AIBU to break up their wedding (*trigger:abuse)?

[alicejen]

OK I am kind of joking but not...

My best friend (BF) I've known for 5 years now. I am her maid of honour. Her fiancé is VERY controlling. I'll give some quick examples: every weekend MUST be spent together, he doesn't like her seeing her friends by herself (e.g. girls nights), he fakes being sick so she can't go to her friends and has to come home, he picks her up from her sporting event with our company and watches (no one else does - it's weird), when she's at work dinners if she doesn't respond in a certain time frame then he will call the restaurant to get hold of her, she isn't allowed abroad without him, my hen-do is abroad and he said he will go and stay in a different hotel to us to keep an eye out (!!!!!), he has gone on other hen dos (stayed in the neighbouring hotel/room and dropped her there and picked her up), if I meet her for dinner he will text me to make sure it's not a cover up and always calls her when she is meant to be there, if she doesn't respond in time he will text me and ask me to send him her calendar (we used to work together), at work events he texts asking her to check in every half hour and I'm usually asked to remind her to text him....
and if you don't see how awful he is, he has also said he didn't have sex with his first girlfriend because she was poor and he didn't want her to get pregnant to use him for money/trap him (they met at a top university - she is still not pregnant to this day and has a good job). His family still send her facebook pictures in the family group chat to make fun of how fat she is.

So my BF was meant to get married this year but COVID...this meant the hen was also delayed. So me and her other good friend organised a virtual hen do. On the game we played answers the fiance gave to one of the games and he was HORRID in them. In all fairness, he says these things in real life, he always puts her down and it was the reason I hated him when I first met him before I learned of his controlling behaviour. However, BF was very embarrassed. We hadn't watched the videos before playing them in the call because we were also playing the game. She confronted her fiance who told her that everything he said he was told to say by me/the other girl. She believes him.
She doesn't blame me and isn't angry but says to make sure it doesn't happen again and it upset her. She says she believes him 100%.

I feel super manipulated. He doesn't like me as I like going out with my own friends, I am not controlled by my fiance, I like to go on girls holidays and I believe in having a separate life. He also hates the other girl for the same reason.

What would you do? Something that hit me recently was my mum - she said this is how it starts and one day he will become physical - is this true?
She seems happy despite the control, I think she sees it as a sign of love?

OP, please stop enabling his abusive behaviour re. texts and phone calls and check ups - block the twat! Can you screenshot this whole thread and send it to your BF. There was a lovely poster on here last year, Fedupofitnow123 - she went through an horrific ordeal with her partner who turned out to be someone else - he used different names, had other kids etc. and he controlled the poster's every move, had cameras set up in the home, mistreated her terribly, didn't allow her to go out without him etc. - find the thread and show it to your BF - luckily in the end for Fedup, it ended well and she had to escape (literally!!) to an unknown relatives house. MN is a good place for your BF to understand that abuse you don't see or want to admit to at the start can spiral massively - once they're married, he's jumped his first hurdle of complete control and power.

@Fedupofitnow123, apologies if tagging you here is completely ill thought of me - your thread was so heartbreaking to read but also so amazing to see how you managed to make things better for yourself and your son. I know I asked recently, but hope that you're all still doing well.

According to the law people are not entitled to step in with any form of reporting an abusive situation like this.
I think the day will come and he will physically do something to hurt her. Getting all her family and friends away from her to isolate her is a known technique of abusive men. He will do things to her that are not obvious like he will bruise her arms or legs as they are not seen as much as her face is.
We really need to have some form of intervention for these situations. I know how far a situation I was close to went before anyone actually did anything and it seemed to me that the abused woman was blamed more than the criminal and abusive man.

^ please feel free to delete my post above if I've broken guidelines?

I'd definitely reinforce the fact that you and your other friend did not suggest he answers horribly in any way and you think it's just awful what he did. Say that most men wouldn't have done that even if someone had asked them too anyway?!

But don't push it too much. He wants you to fall out, he wants to drive a wedge, he wants to isolate her. She knows you can see right through him. Tell her that you are worried about her and you will always be there for her if she ever needs to talk.

When is the wedding? You may still have time to save her.

Is he in the house all the time at the moment? I haven't read it myself but people always recommending a book called "why does he do that?" I'd be tempted to drop round a copy of that book with a fake cover to hide it from him! If she gets angry, challenge her to prove you wrong and read it. If nothing resonates with her then you're obviously wrong...

I honestly think you need to seek professional advice on how to help a person in an abusive relationship.

She might react badly to a confrontation unless it is very carefully managed, and without knowing her its not a great idea for people online to tell you what to say - this is one for the professionals, someone with real world experience in this stuff. Worst case scenario, she rejects what you say and falls out with you. Even worse, she also tells him - exactly what he wants to happen, to cut her off from everyone else.

There was a heartbreaking series of threads on here a few years back, written by a woman whose daughter was in a very controlling relationship and who engineered her complete isolation. The abusive boyfriend was nicknamed Lobster Boy. I think you'd recognize the type.

You could start by reading the Lundy Bancroft book, "why does he do that?" which is available as a free PDF online. That should help you better understand what's going on. Might also be worth seeing if Women's Aid or similar organisations have any info on line.

In your shoes, I'd think very hard about your next move before you make it. I really hope your friend breaks free of this awful man.

Could you talk to her Dad? Is he a decent man?

I’ve been in an abusive relationship but managed to break free from it after I couldn’t take anymore, my cousin is now in a relationship so similar to what you’re describing but she is madly in love and I know if we try to speak to her now we’ll just push her away, then there’s be the issue of her being alone with him and if it’s gets worse.

I can only say support her the best you can as one day she’ll need you but she needs to see his behaviour for what it really is and take the rose tinted glasses off, it’s such a tricky situation but just make it clear you’re always there for her.

If you need to then speak up but jus

I pressed post by accident.

I was going to say if you need to say something then just remember she may end the friendship, as others have said it’s a difficult mentality to break.

This is just awful to read, he sounds horrendous. My friend had a boyfriend like this. We used to get dressed up for a night out and he'd be asking her why she had a short skirt on and demanding to know 'who she was dressing up for'. When we were out she'd get constant texts and he would go off on one if she didn't answer, and would very often turn up where we were. We went on holiday to Ibiza (god knows how she managed that, think it was only because we booked it just before they got together - she would never have booked it while she was with him). She had to call him every single day (and this was back in the day when we had to use payphones as it was too expensive to call on mobiles and there was no whatsapp back then!), he went mad if she didn't. One day I made a jokey comment on the phone to my boyfriend about how we had been sunbathing topless, he was there (he was friends with my boyfriend). My boyfriend found it funny, her boyfriend absolutely went off on one and our night was ruined by constant raging calls and texts from him. He was her first boyfriend, she had never experienced a normal relationship.

Unfortunately she is still with him, she is now married to him and he's cheated on her more times than I can count. I really hope you can get through to your friend and make her see that this isn't normal. God imagine putting up with this behaviour for the rest of your life, it makes me go cold just thinking about it.

It will only get worse. I agree - show her this thread.

Many years ago now, my beautiful, bright BF so wanted to be married and happy. On holiday, she met a "lovely" man a bit older than her, and the courtship went to plan. He proposed very romantically on holiday with a lovely ring, on Sydney Harbour Bridge at midnight in New Year. Over the next six months, she was persuaded by him that her old friends, and his old friends really weren't friends, so they slowly cut everyone adrift, and moved overseas where she was isolated. I have sent messages on FB, but they disappear into the ether. It was almost 20 years ago now, but I still miss her, and worry whether she is okay and has made her own life. I really wonder what more could have been done, but because we had a lot of friends in common, I know we were all edged out around the same period.

I think it's a ticking time bomb. I was BM to my BF 2 years ago. Similar situation, I took an instant dislike to her fiancee who has verbally abusive to her and controlling. They got married and last year her husband physically assaulted me when I asked him to stop him calling her and their baby foul names in front of his mate. Long story short, she's still with him and we now don't speak. My point is, men like this are very good at isolating and manipulating. You can point out his behaviour but ultimately she has to want to walk away.

This is just awful to read. He is already starting to isolate her. Those of us who have survived this type of man can see the signs. She will change how she dresses. Stop going out. Defend him. Deny any problems. She will begin sentences with, 'I have decided ...' but it will be his words. Everything that is strong, independent, vital and glowing about her self, will be ground down into fearful compliance.
All you can do is offer an unconditional couch to sleep on. Keep reminding her you will be there for her.

Have you done one of those searches? Where you find out about possible restraining orders by past ex's? Does he have a SM account you can search to see if he has hurt or abused or mistreated past gf's?

I know this will stick in your throat but, try not to combat him or speak your mind. My best friend told my ex straight that he was horrible to me. He relentlessly wore me down to cut her off, as she was "jealous and causing trouble between us" It was just easier to give in.

God help her. I doubt she'll find it easy to get out now.

/She probably doesn't feel that she can control her own life. I was like this. I believed that life just happened. I would hear about other women leaving their abusive husband and I'd think, ''that's ok for them'' because i was already too ground down to believe I could have the power to bring anything good in to my own life.

I am thinking back to before I had a baby with my x, what could have persuaded me to leave... More belief in myself? More confidence? It's different for everybody but I felt great after zip lining, getting a new job... She is unlikely to try to achieve anything that would be significant enough to make her feel she had power over her own life before her wedding though :-/

I wouldn't warn her. Keep connected. i lost contact with people who tried to ORDER me to value myself. I just couldn't.

Do the rest of your mutual friends feel the same as you? If so then either separately or together you all need to speak the truth to her. She won't listen, they very rarely do. Be prepared to be accused of being jealous, not wanting her to be happy, not understanding him, etc etc. Don't get drawn in. Be prepared for her to cut you out of her life. It's hard, but I would rather speak the truth and lose a friend than stand silently by and watch that friend be abused. If nothing else, your words will come back to her at some point and will make her question her relationship.

Speak your truth simply, give examples, don't call him names, or use over-the-top language. Then tell her that no matter what she thinks right now you will be there for her always and you will always stand ready to help when she needs it.

Obviously, she's in a controlling, abusive relationship, and she'll be lucky to see any of her friends after she's married ... he's going to slowly run them all off, no doubt.

Sadly, she won't hear you on this. Very sad. She's setting herself up for a miserable life.

I just read a book called The Other Wife. In it, the main character suddenly realises her husband is controlling - tracks her movements etc. Can you get her to read this (or something similar) to show how unnatural his behaviour is.

Has she got low esteem, so likes this knight in shining armour. I often think there’s a fine line between caring and controlling, and he has crossed this line.

If you don’t confront her, you will loose her (as he’ll cut her off from you), so you have nothing to loose by confronting her. Just make sure that you mention you are always there for her, whatever.

I dont think this is true for the friend getting married though @Standrewsschool
She would be better off knowing that if she leaves, She does still have friends.

This is what happened to my lovely younger sister. Her husband was a jealous, paranoid, psycho. He took every bit of her confidence and ambition, replaced her friends with his sisters and ground her down from a gorgeous, vibrant woman into a dowdy frump.

And then he started hitting her. And then he started hitting the kids. At which point she told me and we helped her get away. Of course it didn’t stop there and it’s taken about 10 years, and him finding another victim, for her to finally get some peace.

She says she’ll never live with a man again, (though she has a nice boyfriend) and, to me, the kids seem quite damaged, but maybe they will okay with time.

My grown up daughters have had the red flags drilled into them since they were young teens.

😪

These arseholes know how destroy lives.

Please get her that Lundy Bancroft book Why does he do that?

And let her know that if she's really angry with you for warning her, you'll always be there for her and if she's in trouble, she should call you even if you've fallen out.

Then tell her that his behaviour follows a pattern and that it always escalates. He will control her even more. He'll make her give up work, or stop her driving, or stop her wearing what she wants. He'll start pushing her, lightly at first so it can be explained away as an accident. By the time he starts hitting her and leaving bruises, she'll already be blaming herself and believing she is all alone and she'll probably have a baby because most domestic violence starts when the victim is pregnant or within a year of her giving birth.

If you tell her how it will happen, maybe at some point on that journey, not too far along, she'll remember that you said the journey would be like this and realise you were right and she has to get out before she reaches journey's end.

Also send her this link:

lundybancroft.com/all-to-himself/
lundybancroft.com/how-he-gets-you-back/

Is she close to her parents? Do they know what he is like? Maybe if a few people tell there concerns. Even if she doesn't listen at least people who care about try and tell her they will be there for her even if she reacts badly.

A lot of your message resonates with me and the behaviour of my ex husband. If I went out with friends or colleagues after work for drinks I had to 'check in' and stay in contact. I could be out and literally get 30 missed calls demanding to know when I was. There was other controlling behaviour but very similar. He hated my best friend said she was a bad influence. My friends hated him by the end. Couldn't speak to family on the phone with him listening

He wasn't so bad when we got married but got steadily worse. He had anxiety and I got so worn down by the constant accusations and arguments about seeing friends I started to stop it wasn't worth the effort.

He didn't have friends wasn't interested in seeing people without me - hugely dependant on me.

Then I snapped and decided I wanted to leave but it felt impossible immediately. I also decided to stop playing by the rules and start doing what I wanted when I wanted. I used to get shouted at when I did what he said so what was the point?

Eventually one evening I came home at 9. At 2am he came and woke me up demanding to know where was I, who was I with. He questioned me for 4 hours and wouldn't let me sleep. Pure torture. He threw an object at me when I couldn't answer

The next evening he was arrested for pushing and shoving me around in a public place.

I had some doubts before the wedding but it just got worse and I so wanted me marriage to work. The divorce was hell.

Please show your friend my message - it gets worse - not better and my ex husband got aggressive.

This is already full on emotional abuse - ‘coercive control’. Would she read a book on abuse? Would she read this thread? She won’t believe you alone.