AIBU to break up their wedding (*trigger:abuse)?

[alicejen]

OK I am kind of joking but not...

My best friend (BF) I've known for 5 years now. I am her maid of honour. Her fiancé is VERY controlling. I'll give some quick examples: every weekend MUST be spent together, he doesn't like her seeing her friends by herself (e.g. girls nights), he fakes being sick so she can't go to her friends and has to come home, he picks her up from her sporting event with our company and watches (no one else does - it's weird), when she's at work dinners if she doesn't respond in a certain time frame then he will call the restaurant to get hold of her, she isn't allowed abroad without him, my hen-do is abroad and he said he will go and stay in a different hotel to us to keep an eye out (!!!!!), he has gone on other hen dos (stayed in the neighbouring hotel/room and dropped her there and picked her up), if I meet her for dinner he will text me to make sure it's not a cover up and always calls her when she is meant to be there, if she doesn't respond in time he will text me and ask me to send him her calendar (we used to work together), at work events he texts asking her to check in every half hour and I'm usually asked to remind her to text him....
and if you don't see how awful he is, he has also said he didn't have sex with his first girlfriend because she was poor and he didn't want her to get pregnant to use him for money/trap him (they met at a top university - she is still not pregnant to this day and has a good job). His family still send her facebook pictures in the family group chat to make fun of how fat she is.

So my BF was meant to get married this year but COVID...this meant the hen was also delayed. So me and her other good friend organised a virtual hen do. On the game we played answers the fiance gave to one of the games and he was HORRID in them. In all fairness, he says these things in real life, he always puts her down and it was the reason I hated him when I first met him before I learned of his controlling behaviour. However, BF was very embarrassed. We hadn't watched the videos before playing them in the call because we were also playing the game. She confronted her fiance who told her that everything he said he was told to say by me/the other girl. She believes him.
She doesn't blame me and isn't angry but says to make sure it doesn't happen again and it upset her. She says she believes him 100%.

I feel super manipulated. He doesn't like me as I like going out with my own friends, I am not controlled by my fiance, I like to go on girls holidays and I believe in having a separate life. He also hates the other girl for the same reason.

What would you do? Something that hit me recently was my mum - she said this is how it starts and one day he will become physical - is this true?
She seems happy despite the control, I think she sees it as a sign of love?

Poor woman.
I agree with everyone saying that it's unlikely you can now do anything to stop the wedding - so much will be in play, she won't go against him now.
But you could still tell her that you are worried for her, and that you don't believe this is a good relationship for her, and that you will always be there for her if she ever needs to get out in a hurry.

He sounds awful but those "in love" (or who think they are) will make excuses for him forever, sometimes. I know, I've been there and looking back on it, I can't believe the knots I used to tie myself into to excuse the ex's behaviour!

Deep down she will know but she's desperately covering it up because she wants him to be the person she thinks she fell in love with. Letting her know that you know he's an abusive arsehole will go one of 2 ways at this stage - she'll either refute it totally and cut you off, or she'll laugh it off and stay friends with you. Either way, you've given her the nod that, should things ever change, you know what's going on and you're there for her.

I agree with many posters who have said he is just waiting to line you up so she dumps you as a friend! It's exactly what he hopes to achieve.

As for the rest, I couldn't stay silent either but recently posted here about a neighbour who we believe is NPD and was checking his wife's messenger account after she went for a shower not long ago. He replied to my message, not as himself, but as the conversation went on it was clear it was not his wife either and I called him out on it.

I have tried and tried to get her to come out for lunch or dinner and it always gets cancelled. I have search through FB groups I knew she used to belong to, gone. All her social activity, albeit online or in real life, is extinct.

If I ever get the chance I want to tell her she only needs to give the signal and Hubby and I, along with a few friends, will have her out, that she doesn't need to feel stuck. However, these guys are brilliant at convincing their partners that the problem is everyone else, and not them...

Hi OP,

Has no-one, friends or parents, spoken of their concerns to her & pointed out that his behaviour is not loving? What would ye say to her about him when he'd ph looking for her or texting your ph about her? Now is the time to speak up, OP. Tell her you are not lying about the hen games, say it all, tell you you are v v worried for her (because you are from your posts) & so be it if she cuts you off, you can tell her you will always be her friend if she ever needs help but that you cannot support their marriage as a bridesmaid & pretend to be happy for her.

Hi all, today the fiancé text me asking me to ensure I involve others in the hen party planning - this is his sister in law who will report back to him.

I have refused. I have also told the truth - the people who he obviously thinks would help are the ones who want to do the things she doesn't want to do (clubbing, strippers etc). I have involved 5 girls already in the planning and I don't want to be micromanaged.

I am obviously not trusted.

He does not trust you as he can see that you are a strong woman and possibly will destroy his control of your friend. He is worried, let him worry, maybe even give him cause to worry. He will likely show himself for what he really is. A pathetic excuse for a man.

* He does not trust you as he can see that you are a strong woman and possibly will destroy his control of your friend. He is worried, let him worry, maybe even give him cause to worry. He will likely show himself for what he really is. A pathetic excuse for a man.*

^This with bells on.

I would be careful about calling him out because he may try to punish you, obviously you are the one best placed to judge what the most effective strategy might be, but remember.... you catch more flies with honey

If this man perceives that you are a threat to his aims and objectives he will try to block you
If he trusts you and thinks that you will work for him then you can get in under the radar

Not sure if I would confront her directly. She will be in total denial going off anybody I have known in abusive type relationships. You could say it once unless she already knows how you feel but in my experience people just don't want to hear the truth.

Could you talk to her parents? Wat is her relationship like with her siblings, if she has them?

You will lose your friend either way. The best thing you can hope is it’s temporary and she will come back.
But you have to do what you need to sleep at night. And if that’s Talking to her, tell her you love her, that you’ll always be there, you’ll always have a sofa for her, any time any day and you won’t ask questions.
It’s not right, it’s not love.

If you don’t talk to her he will try and isolate her from you and he will win, for the easy life. He will win.

He’s done a right number on her and it sounds like her childhood did the ground work.

The quote that sticks in my head from my ex as I read that, was “no one will love you like I do, look what I do for you”.

OP,

Has he text u back since? Just curious as to how far he will go to gain control of hen night...

This rings all sorts of alarm bells as someone close to me had a similar problem. I wish in retrospect I had been more curious and pushed harder to let the person know I was worried about them, but it's very easy for someone in an abusive relationship to become defensive.

I'd be torn between being honest and up-front and confronting her about the weirdness (going and staying in the same place as a hen-night she's at, wtaf???); and playing the long game, staying in touch with her and working against the efforts he makes to distance her from her friends. But as I write this, I'm leaning towards the second choice, staying in touch, making sure she knows you love her, and ensuring that she has a safe friend-space to turn to.

I don't understand how this man has your number? I'd block him to protect yourself.
Say your bit to your friend, expect to be dumped and leave it at that. She is aware of her shitty situation and does need to get herself out of this. Of course there are people that will help but until she decides to leave then there is little hope.

I was in a similar scenario, my bf was in a controlling relationship, I tried talking to a mutual friend, I tried warning my BF. Not only did she cut me off she went out of her way to turn everyone else against me.
Three kids down the line she's no longer with him. I'll never know the full story but I just hope she's in a good place now.

He won't trust anyone he perceives to also have influence over your friend.

Was wondering what the relationship is between your friend and her dad? Would it do any good to speak to him?

You might be surprised at what happens if Dad makes it clear to them both that he's turning off the money tap once they're married.

I knew someone who had a boyfriend like this. In particular he was hell bent on alienating her from her friends. It later transpired that he was sexually abusing her.

She thinks he is smothering and controlling her because he loves her. He actually does it because he does not trust her. Nor will he ever no matter how hard she tries to convince him.

You might want to ask her how long she thinks he will allow her to have friends he is unable to manage the same way he manages her. Control is a buzz word for abusers so try to avoid it.

Your poor friend. And poor you, it’s horrible watching someone you care about go through this and feel helpless to get them out of it. You need to tread carefully though. He wants you gone from her life along with all her other friends and probably her family members so she only has him. Don’t let him push you out of her life.

Is she close to her Dad? Can you try and get in touch with him? Get his number for a "wedding surprise" and explain your concerns.

His behaviour is pretty horrifying and I really do feel for you both op.

I'd go completely neutral with him, vague and non-committal e.g if he texts you not replying/respond the bare minimum and not engage - the sil comment I would have deleted and totally ignored, or just reply after ages and be like 'yes I'll speak to sil' and then just ... forget. Relationship with her is trickier but basically be there to hold a mirror up to his behaviour 'fiance asked me to get Sil to check up on you, I'm not comfortable with doing that so I won't. If you ever want to talk please speak to me?' rinse and repeat, so she doesn't have to defend him 'oh he's so protective of me' but you still call out his behaviour as not right, again and again.

If he replies, say you don’t trust him knowing anything since he lied to your friend about saying those horrible things about her. See what he says about that.. it’s in black and white that you’ve accused him of lying X

I couldn't keep quiet. I'd call him out on his lies although I would be prepared for her to take his side.

A friend of a friend had a husband like this. Picking her up from everywhere, checking up on her. It got so that she was visibly frightened of him. Then one day my friend rang me up to ask if I could mind her son as she was taking her friend to hospital after her husband broke her jaw and cheekbone.

Please try and intervene.

As an update - I didn't respond to him. I did say to BF that he text and I don't understand where this has come from.

She said I should ask him, she is unaware and has a work deadline. She said it has nothing to do with her. I responded that I will no longer inform either of them about the hen as it is meant to be a surprise - she was happy with this.

She shared a viral post about a secret warning of domestic violence today - her close friend I've never met (who was in the hen, a bridesmaid and also notes his bad behaviour) sent it to me and said it was a strange coincidence.

So I've definitely decided I won't confront her on his behaviour. I KNOW she would respond badly and I think I'm the only one of her friends strong enough to put up with any crap in order to save her when the time comes.

I was thinking of something though. She doesn't know all my friends and isn't a suspicious person. So I could easily make up a friend and talk about the things Fake Friend's boyfriend does that are similar but slightly different to what her fiancé does. Id then say how she looked up the abuse checklist (the one a few of you have sent) and read them to her - I'll say how shocked she was etc. Do you think that could work?

I don't know her dad and he seems to be more of her financier than her father. Her fiancé also controls how much and when she speaks to her parents as he finds them annoying. I do however have the address of his parents as they stayed there in lockdown and I sent her a gift. Could I do something with that? An anon note about their son?