AIBU to break up their wedding (*trigger:abuse)?

[alicejen]

OK I am kind of joking but not...

My best friend (BF) I've known for 5 years now. I am her maid of honour. Her fiancé is VERY controlling. I'll give some quick examples: every weekend MUST be spent together, he doesn't like her seeing her friends by herself (e.g. girls nights), he fakes being sick so she can't go to her friends and has to come home, he picks her up from her sporting event with our company and watches (no one else does - it's weird), when she's at work dinners if she doesn't respond in a certain time frame then he will call the restaurant to get hold of her, she isn't allowed abroad without him, my hen-do is abroad and he said he will go and stay in a different hotel to us to keep an eye out (!!!!!), he has gone on other hen dos (stayed in the neighbouring hotel/room and dropped her there and picked her up), if I meet her for dinner he will text me to make sure it's not a cover up and always calls her when she is meant to be there, if she doesn't respond in time he will text me and ask me to send him her calendar (we used to work together), at work events he texts asking her to check in every half hour and I'm usually asked to remind her to text him....
and if you don't see how awful he is, he has also said he didn't have sex with his first girlfriend because she was poor and he didn't want her to get pregnant to use him for money/trap him (they met at a top university - she is still not pregnant to this day and has a good job). His family still send her facebook pictures in the family group chat to make fun of how fat she is.

So my BF was meant to get married this year but COVID...this meant the hen was also delayed. So me and her other good friend organised a virtual hen do. On the game we played answers the fiance gave to one of the games and he was HORRID in them. In all fairness, he says these things in real life, he always puts her down and it was the reason I hated him when I first met him before I learned of his controlling behaviour. However, BF was very embarrassed. We hadn't watched the videos before playing them in the call because we were also playing the game. She confronted her fiance who told her that everything he said he was told to say by me/the other girl. She believes him.
She doesn't blame me and isn't angry but says to make sure it doesn't happen again and it upset her. She says she believes him 100%.

I feel super manipulated. He doesn't like me as I like going out with my own friends, I am not controlled by my fiance, I like to go on girls holidays and I believe in having a separate life. He also hates the other girl for the same reason.

What would you do? Something that hit me recently was my mum - she said this is how it starts and one day he will become physical - is this true?
She seems happy despite the control, I think she sees it as a sign of love?

Do not approach his parents about him, if that is what you are thinking.

OP,

I understood from your msg yest morning when he asked for his sis to be included in the hen plans, that when you said you refused... that you had communicated this to him. So he doesn't know yet... ? I am just wondering will he escalate his efforts for control or if he will now let it go?

I don't understand the context of the Bride's post about DV/abuse either. Was that to her other friends...who sent it to you? Is it something Bride saw & is raising awareness...ironically & sadly, not realising she is in the grasps of an abuser herself.

I can understand totally you treading carefully here. But I think you need to be straight with her & not give mixed msgs such as not knowing why he is texting you abt hen & you don't understand etc. You do know. She prob thinks it is sweet & loving that he is texting about it.

She clearly is not afraid of him (yet) as she does not feel she should go along with his request to have his sis (spy!) involved etc...that will probably change in the future once she marries & becomes more isolated, she'll become more compliant as he gains control.

Also, the fake friend plan...the Bride is in her bubble, she doesn't see any of his behaviour as anything other than his expression of his love & protection of her by the sound of it...I'm not sure the fake friend will be her lightbulb moment, well intentioned as it is. You know her, is she likely to conclude hat her own fiancé ticks all the bad boxes?

Have you, or other friends, never ever had a conversation with her about how inappropriate it is that she cannot go anywhere or be anywhere without him checking up/arriving etc? I don't mean the jokey type where she laughs it off & it is left at that. I mean the type you have when you are talking about boyfriends with your best friend..and you say ' I find it very odd/uncomfortable/weird/alarming that he did x,y,z.'.. red flag stuff??

Nor would I approach his parents...not a good idea.

You have mutual friends, can you speak frankly together about the groom with the ones that know him? Can someone who can say it to her then say it to her? Tell her the worry that this is a huge mistake... ye'd be delighted if she lives happily ever after....but the warning bells are clanging that the cost will be too great.

I'm sorry, OP... i'm not sure there is any way through except to be brave & say it. She prob won't listen, she prob will think you are jealous, cruel, horrible...whatever label allows her to justify it to herself. But you can tell her you are her friend, her best friend & this is why you are saying it now & youwill always be her friend, in good times & bad. Even if she doesn't talk to you for a while, if times get tough with him she will remember that she has a best friend who put it on the line for her.

You can do that. Or decide to stay quiet & watch & wait...

Was the viral thing she sent something trivialising DV, or saying that people should be aware of it?

I think she'll see through your fake friend really quickly. It's a nice idea but everyone always does see through these ploys (well ok, not every one but most people) and then she might be insulted anyway.

Just give her every opportunity to say something if she wants to - chances are that she believes she's stuck and has to go through with it all now, regardless. She's not and she doesn't - but I know that people can get stuck in that mindset.

Well done for telling the fiancé to back the fuck off (well, not quite that!) and I agree with everyone saying do NOT contact his parents.
It rarely ends well and will just let him know that you are definitely his enemy.

It's hard, but she's going to do what she's going to do - all you can realistically do is be there for her when it all goes wrong.

Jeez, what a controlling dangerous man he is?!
I'm glad the wedding couldn't go ahead because of Covid but let's just hope she can see the wood for the trees before it's way too late.
I think you just need to be there for her and support her.

He's a disgrace. This is how it happens. My mum was in abusive relationship before she met my dad and it started off like this. He would beat her black blue, broke her nose, gave her STI's. The list goes on.
She needs to leave before she ends up dead.

She's so far down the rabbit hole I doubt you'll be able to break up the wedding, but you don't have to be involved in it.
Be very careful what you say to her, she's probably at the stage where she reports everything to him.

She is long gone op. She will marry him no matter what. She thinks that what he does is love. Maybe that is the only love she has ever know. But it isn't love. Or at least not healthy love.

She will not listen to you and probably definitely fall out with you if you try and bring this up.

So I don't know. Either tell her and lose her. Or don't tell her and watch her go down with the ship shit choise.

Is he going to gatecrash the hen party, or insist on being in the next room?

Have you asked your friend what sort of father she would like for any future children?

Have you asked your friend what sort of father she would like for any future children?
Good question. There can be tiny tiny seeds of doubt even when deeply in love.

Whatever you do, if you do use the fake friend situation, at all points, emphasise how strong fake friend is and in no way criticise fake friend. Then she'll know the sort of non-judgmental assistance she can expect from you when she eventually sees the light.

PS - It's shit having to play mind games, but at least you care enough to try.

Just to mention, my one close friend NEVER ever criticised my ex (through 7 years of beatings - well six - it didn't start until a year in). But she would try to get me to go away with her for weekends, but I refused - I couldn't possibly leave him alone for a weekend while I partied?
She waited probably quietly on the sideline until I was ready. She still doesn't criticise me OR HIM. That makes me feel like it was MY IDEA and that I WAS THE ONE STRONG ENOUGH TO LEAVE.
She's an incredibly wise soul though and sometimes I thought that she wasn't giving the situation the gravitas it deserved and other times I was grateful for her lack of interference.
It's a complicated dynamic.

Definitely do not contact the BF's parents. Though it's not always the case, coercive control is often learnt behaviour from parents.

My first relationship was with a guy who hated me going out with my friends, would always start an argument, I could never just decide to go out if they rang me up, I had to give him loads of notice but he'd still start an argument. He wasn't quite as controlling as your friend's fiance - he wouldn't ring me up to check who I was with or need evidence. Just made it really difficult for me to have any other kind of social life.

Anyway my point is that I didn't know this wasn't the norm. I was very young, I just kind of accepted it. It was only when I finally left and started seeing other people that I realised it wasn't the norm. I was genuinely surprised when my next bf was encouraging of my friendship groups, not calling them slags and controlling my social life. Massive weight lifted, 25 years on I'm still feeling relief.

I think she needs to learn somehow that this isn't normal relationship behaviour. She probably doesn't think he will ever be violent (and he may well not) but she needs to know it's not just about that. That's the mistake I made back then.

Oh and just to add my friends weren't entirely happy but they never went against me, and were there for me when I decided to leave. I just woke up one day and realised I wanted out. It was like a light switch.

I remember when my DSis was in her first marriage, there were clues about what was going on but I didn’t see them at the time. My new DH did, because he was a new person looking in. When they broke off, she came to stay with us and I helped her file for divorce, I arranged an appointment for her at the firm of solicitors where I worked as a legal secretary.

She started to talk to us about what her marriage was really like, how he abused her. But she blamed herself and wouldn’t let me express my anger about what she went through. She defended him constantly.

Years later, married to a lovely second DH, she gets it, and knows that her first marriage was abusive.

You just need to stay close to her. You can’t rescue her, she has to understand what’s going on for herself. It will be very hard for you, though.

I’ve read the thread. I don’t have experience with this but I know personally I would feel complicit with this relationship if I didn’t confront it properly so this is what I’d do.

I’d talk to her without him present and say. That she needs to let you speak. Tell her her relationship is abusive, he controlling her and she needs to really consider whether she wants to marry him. I’d refuse to be her MoH because you can’t support the marriage and that if she wanted cut contact you’d accept it. But that you would be there for her when she realises he’s awful and needs to escape, whether that’s 1 month or 10 years.

I’d tell her it’s not about judgement but protecting yourself as you can’t watch your friend destroy herself.

That’s how I’d deal with it.

I’m not saying it’s right but I couldn’t be friends with someone in that situation without declaring my opinion.

Hi all, sorry for always replying late to this.

The sister is already involved in the hen as she is a bridesmaid - I just refuse to involve anyone more than I have as I will not be micromanaged. I haven't heard from him again.

He has a brother who is the opposite to him - his wife goes out, holidays with friends, partying. So I don't think it's learned from his parents. I have heard that the brother is the known favourite though so maybe that contributes?

I think I'll need to be there then. She is excited about getting married I think that's it - I don't think the person really matters to be honest. The fiancé has planned everything for the wedding, so much so she can't answer questions on colour scheme etc. She is very laid back.

I definitely think she sees control as love.

They've discussed children. She is going to give up work and he will never change a nappy as he doesn't like poo - that's literally what they've said and she's happy with that. The reality will definitely be ugly.

The one thing is - she always wanted to live where she grew up - a very expensive home county (both parents are rich and they're both doing alright). He wanted to live in his home county near his parents. The argument was that when she had kids she'd be isolated in his home county as she doesn't know anyone - however he won as his parents are close by. Whilst her parents are in one home county - as the mum likes a drink and the dad is someone who throws money at things - her parents aren't suitable care givers. Anyway, he had a falling out with his parents during their home search and she won - so now they've moved to their first home together - bought for by the dad (£700k house!) she's happy.

Interesting insight into her upbringing there - if her parents were emotionally absent, which it sounds as though they might be (alcohol and money solving all problems) then it makes more sense as to why she thinks this deep interest in all her doings feels like "love" to her.

Ah well. Just be there for her and watch it play out. :(

@GimmeAy yes i wasnt beaten, merely shoved and shouted at,but i am no longer friendly with anybody who made me feel an idiot.

Print out this thread maybe omitting your input as BF might feel you’ve divulged too much of her personal info.
Hand write a short note. I am worried about you etc. Send it to work along with the print out. Don’t email it to her as he probably already checks the emails.
Plan a long weekend for the Hen somewhere remote so he can’t stay anywhere close, total red flag about him staying nearby.
You are a good friend to her, she is lucky to have you and will need you more in the future.

Perhaps the money angle is what would get her dad onside. He's just paid 700K for a house - they actually get married, he loses half of it.

I was that friend abused horribly for years - and it started with controlling what I did and slowly isolating me (I didn't even see my parents for 5 years). None of my friends said anything. Not a damn think. He would come with me to everything. I couldn't go to the toilet alone.
Nobody said A SINGLE WORD. I get not wanting to lose a friend, but then she'll know that you see it and aren't tacitly saying this is ok by ignoring it. She'll come back to you eventually.