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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to break up their wedding (*trigger:abuse)?

147 replies

alicejen · 08/06/2020 17:58

OK I am kind of joking but not...

My best friend (BF) I've known for 5 years now. I am her maid of honour. Her fiancé is VERY controlling. I'll give some quick examples: every weekend MUST be spent together, he doesn't like her seeing her friends by herself (e.g. girls nights), he fakes being sick so she can't go to her friends and has to come home, he picks her up from her sporting event with our company and watches (no one else does - it's weird), when she's at work dinners if she doesn't respond in a certain time frame then he will call the restaurant to get hold of her, she isn't allowed abroad without him, my hen-do is abroad and he said he will go and stay in a different hotel to us to keep an eye out (!!!!!), he has gone on other hen dos (stayed in the neighbouring hotel/room and dropped her there and picked her up), if I meet her for dinner he will text me to make sure it's not a cover up and always calls her when she is meant to be there, if she doesn't respond in time he will text me and ask me to send him her calendar (we used to work together), at work events he texts asking her to check in every half hour and I'm usually asked to remind her to text him....
and if you don't see how awful he is, he has also said he didn't have sex with his first girlfriend because she was poor and he didn't want her to get pregnant to use him for money/trap him (they met at a top university - she is still not pregnant to this day and has a good job). His family still send her facebook pictures in the family group chat to make fun of how fat she is.

So my BF was meant to get married this year but COVID...this meant the hen was also delayed. So me and her other good friend organised a virtual hen do. On the game we played answers the fiance gave to one of the games and he was HORRID in them. In all fairness, he says these things in real life, he always puts her down and it was the reason I hated him when I first met him before I learned of his controlling behaviour. However, BF was very embarrassed. We hadn't watched the videos before playing them in the call because we were also playing the game. She confronted her fiance who told her that everything he said he was told to say by me/the other girl. She believes him.
She doesn't blame me and isn't angry but says to make sure it doesn't happen again and it upset her. She says she believes him 100%.

I feel super manipulated. He doesn't like me as I like going out with my own friends, I am not controlled by my fiance, I like to go on girls holidays and I believe in having a separate life. He also hates the other girl for the same reason.

What would you do? Something that hit me recently was my mum - she said this is how it starts and one day he will become physical - is this true?
She seems happy despite the control, I think she sees it as a sign of love?

OP posts:
LouLouLoo · 08/06/2020 19:23

@2pinkginsplease

What a good friend you are. I hope that in time you get her back.

HowFurloughCanYouGo · 08/06/2020 19:24

As much as I would want to confront the situation, that's exactly what he wants. An excuse for you both not to be friends.

So I would keep quiet because she is going to need you.

And the pp is right, physical abuse may well have already started.

If not, apparently a third* of DV begins when the person is pregnant.Sad

*it might not be exact, perhaps someone can be more specific. But it's a frightening amount.

Original poster
alicejen · 08/06/2020 19:24

That's another thing! They appear as the most perfect loving couple!

We are both in high earning and high paid jobs.

OP posts:
Bluewater1 · 08/06/2020 19:24

It's abusive already. Cutting her off from people and watching her every move. I've been there and got the t shirt sadly. I wish I had listened to my one friend who was brave enough at the beginning to tell me what she thought was happening. Other friends told me only after we finally broke up.
I would tell her, you may risk your friendship but you may save your friend

tartanbow · 08/06/2020 19:25

I dont agree at all with those saying this is nothing to do with you and to stay out of it. OP, I get you probably wouldn't want to risk your friendship but I would do everything I could to stop this. are you close to her family at all? could they intervene? she might not thank you for it now but fast forward and one day she will.

the alternative is to do and say nothing, something awful happen and you living with that. not saying anything awful will definitley happen but atleast your conscience is clear

Original poster
alicejen · 08/06/2020 19:25

High power*

OP posts:
Bluewater1 · 08/06/2020 19:25

Ps the person that did tell me is still my best friend

Bluewater1 · 08/06/2020 19:26

Oh... And many people thought we were the perfect couple....

LouLouLoo · 08/06/2020 19:26

Would other friends be willing to speak to her about him?

MadeForThis · 08/06/2020 19:28

You need to let her know that you will always be there.

You can't make her walk away from him. She needs to realise herself what is happening. You can disagree with her choices but still be there for her.

My dsis is married to someone that is bad for her. I told her before the wedding exactly what I thought. I told her she should leave him. That she could call the whole thing off and walk away. I would help her.

But

I also told her that if she decided to stay I would be there for her. She could always come to me regardless of my opinion of him. I would never judge her.

Veterinari · 08/06/2020 19:28

@alicejen
Can you send her this?
www.laurarichards.co.uk/what-are-the-signs-of-coercive-control/

Ideally work with your mutual friends to fit her down and raise your concerns together. You can't all be wrong - Tell her you love her and you don't want her to be trapped with a man that abuses her. He's already lying gaslighting and isolating her. Even if she gets angry tell her you love her and you'll always support her
Perhaps print the list linked above and give it to her to think about

HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli · 08/06/2020 19:28

It almost certainly will get worse. A good friend tried to gently make me see but I already knew and for some reason didn’t think I deserved any better so I just felt like I was being criticised for not hiding it better.

I don’t know how, but someone somehow needs to get her to tell them (you?) or admit to herself what he is like rather than anyone trying coax it out of her or convince her into agreeing it’s not quite right. Faux concern because he has ‘changed so much lately’ might be a way in. Even if he hasn’t.

ZoeCM · 08/06/2020 19:28

I think she probably knows deep down that you and your other friend didn't tell her fiance to say those things.

MrsNoah2020 · 08/06/2020 19:29

He will 100% cut you out after the wedding, OP, because you're probably the number 1 threat to his control of her. So you have little to lose by telling her how you feel now. Stress that you will be there for her if she ever wants your help, even if it's a decade from now. Be prepared for a very negative reaction. You are being a true friend, but she won't see it the way now.

GimmeAy · 08/06/2020 19:34

My abusive ex was exactly like this. First year I thought it was love. Then I got the first hammering. I stayed 7 years in total. He would sulk if I had a friend over and be rude to them. Hated me talking to friends when he couldn't hear everything I was saying. He beat me approx. every 6 months. I went back and back and back.

Tbh, there's fuck all that you can do. Maybe try to chip away, but until/when he hits her, she's blinded. Even then, she is statistically likely to go back.

BrexpatInSwitzerland · 08/06/2020 19:36

Speaking from double experience, this can go either way ...

I personally almost married a man like this. I was young, so very self-conscious and insecure and I believed him when he used to say that nobody would ever love me like he did because I was odd and unworthy and that ringing every five minutes if I was ever out after 10pm was a sign of his love and devotion - not of him being an abusive, controlling dick.

Luckily for me, I believed my lovely friends and my incredible mother even more when they staged a TV worthy intervention. They were right and it was a lucky escape. I'm lucky to have been surrounded by people who cared enough to risk our bonds in order to save me from myself.

On the other hand, I've not spoken to a former best friend of mine ever since I told her that the man she was seeing was an abusive, disrespectful cocklodger and that she deserved better. I never - and in hindsight perhaps I should have, but it seemed unneccessarily hurtful at the time - told her about hownhe came on to me the day she introduced me to him when she needed the loo. She's been miserable ever since she married him. Also, our lifelong friendship didn't survive me calling her dreamboat "sort of a narcissistic arse". I still miss her. She was the best friend I ever had (and I've some stellar friends).

I'd say something anyway. Worst case scenario, she'll ditch you for him. It happens (see above). But I personally couldn't forgive myself for letting someone I love fall over the edge into the abyss without at least trying to warn her.

KellyHall · 08/06/2020 19:36

Makw sure she knows you love her and will support her no matter what. It sounds like he's done such a good job of grooming her that she can't see the abuse at the moment and I'd be worried if you push it too much, you'll push her away. And that's exactly what he wants, to have complete control over her so he can use her lack of support network to continue his abuse.

I've been your friend in the past, it never did get physical but the mental damage lasted for years longer than the relationship did.

GimmeAy · 08/06/2020 19:36

Other examples were that if I mentioned a male colleague at work he'd say 'You fancy him don't you?'. If I chatted to someone at a bar while ordering a drink, 'he was chatting you up and you were flirting'. He then offered to buy all drinks. When getting dressed up for work he'd sulk because I was getting done up for 'the men'.

It's a hellish future for her, but as I said, she's blinded.

Wakaranaihito · 08/06/2020 19:43

She probably already knows deep down that her situation is not right. A good question to ask is 'What would happen if you went out with a friend and didn't answer the texts?' Ask her how that makes her feel in her tummy. If she feel anxious she is not free.

I'd definitely tell her the truth about those videos and say you are concerned about the level of control he has. There are really easy online check lists you can find with simple questions to see if you are in a potentially abusive relationship.

It may not make a bit of difference but letting her know that you are there for her and not judging is really vital.

Gfplux · 08/06/2020 19:45

OP has he started to control her finances yet. If not that will start after the wedding,

Ireolu · 08/06/2020 19:55

Pls show your friend this thread, this behaviour is NOT normal and is certainly not love.

Be prepared though to lose your friend but be clear that you will be happy to have her if things go tits up.

ilikemethewayiam · 08/06/2020 19:56

I get why she would believe him over you but that would sour my friendship with her. She’s basically calling you a liar and accusing you of these things. I think he will ultimately come between you anyway. There’s nothing you can do about her relationship. It’s up to her but I would be taking a step back and putting my energy into other friendships. If one day it all goes tits up for her then you can help pick up the pieces.

Rainycloudyday · 08/06/2020 20:01

Could you send her a link to this thread? That might be a terrible idea, others will say so if it is I hope as I probably don’t know as much as many of the posters on here. I’m so sorry, what a horrible situation for you to be in. It’s heartbreaking watching your friend with someone like that.

Tomorrowsanewday · 08/06/2020 20:06

I don’t quite understand how you would break them up if your friend is taking his side.

I had a friend like you. Before they married he was very possessive.
If I met them out he couldn’t keep his hands off her. Gripping her round the neck in a loose arm lock if she talked too long.
She oohed and aahed like it was a big joke.

Us single girls took it in turns to meet in each other’s homes for a girly night, but when it came her turn her told her she wasn’t to host us.

Gradually we lost touch.

Twenty years and 2 children later they separated.
She contacted me 3 years ago to say they’d separated and she’d met someone else.
When ExH found out he came to her home when her 2 adult DC were at work and raped her.
She took him to court and he was found guilty and got jail time.

Your friend needs to get away from this man.