"Do they have the same father?"

[firstmentat]

The children have an age gap of just over a year (both still quite young). Still, sometimes people ask me this question (not as a part of their professional duties, but in general as a part of "getting to know you" chat). I am a single parent, the father (same to both children) is not involved.
I cannot point out exactly why, but this does sound to me as it has an unpleasant undertone. But I am not British, and there were occasions when I misread the situation due to cultural differences.
To me, they effectively are asking whether I have slept with a man other than my ex husband with a tiny baby. Or am I completely misreading the subtext?

What twits!

Answer - bloody hell, I've no clue - shagged around so much I don't know whose Dad is whose!

I also get this. Age gap and a lot of children. I think people assume you have children to cement a new relationship rather than because I just love children.

It is very rude to ask. My sisters got a white blonde boy and a mixed race afro haired boy so I'd understand if she got asked but still rude

My sister gets that as she has a 2 year old and 14 year old and yes they have the same father

I can understand it more when there's a big age gap like that - you sort of assume it might be a second family.

However, I have a friend who has a 14 year age gap between her two (same dad) and another friend who is 15 years older than her brother (same dad).

And I love red hair. DS was quite red when he was younger but it gradually darkened.

None of us have ever met a completely red haired family, like the Weasleys, even though we're Scots, so don't understand this rude questioning I know two completely red-haired families where I live in the south of England - and they're not Scottish or Irish (as far as I know - or if they are, it's a generation or so back).

I think it is the red hair. I'm a red head with siblings with dark hair and people would think it was fair game to insult the red headed child. It was much more insulting in the 1950s, my poor mother was mortified. It is still rude now but the stigma of an illegitimate child was strong in the 50s.

I’m white and my partner is black. Our daughter is fair (has my skin tone), has blonde hair but has her dads features and is clearly his daughter (she’s his twin). and We’ve had people approach us and ask if he’s her dad, ask why she’s white if her dad is black and ask how he can be her dad if she’s not brown.

People are rude, ignorant and don’t think about the hurtful nature of their comments. I’m incredulous they even think it’s acceptable to comment.

There's 9 years' difference between my 2 DDs and people have asked me "why is there such a big age gap?" I always answer "because there is". That usually shuts them up, so YANBU, questions like that are nosy and intrusive. I would answer "yes, why do you ask?"

This is awful.
People love to be rude about babies. I had " was it planned?" a few times.

I have a large age gap and get asked this all the time.

It's rude.

'Not sure at all, I've lost my spreadsheet!'

I had my babies in the 80’s 14 months apart. One was pale blond and blue eyed the other was darker skin black hair and brown eyes. I used to either get asked if they had the same dad or if I was their sister. I could see why they asked but I used to get annoyed because people were so nosy. My standard response was “why do you want to know”

I agree it's intrusive and weird but this:

To me, they effectively are asking whether I have slept with a man other than my ex husband with a tiny baby

Is there a certain age your child has to be to sleep with anyone other than the father (assuming he is an ex by this stage)?

I think it’s a look thing. I’m a single parent and have three kids (two different dads and a decent age between 2 and 3) and I never get asked this because all three of mine look exactly like me.

However, it is an incredibly intrusive question and I have absolutely no idea why it matters beyond genetics to a medical professional.

I get this all the time. My kids have a very small age gap and look like twins. People still feel the need to ask. I find it really rude but I never say anything because I am a wuss! And the answer is yes- they do have the same dad.

I was once told by two children "We are brothers, but don't have the same father."

And I had not asked!

@JamieLeeCurtains

It's a rude, intrusive and inappropriate question. It's also judgemental.

Musing here, but would a man out with two young children be asked, 'Do they have the same mother?'

My husband has been asked far more times than I have

He says whenever he says he has 4 children he's asked by how many mothers

When they were little and close in age I never got asked (when I then had the youngest after a 7 year gap I did occasionally get asked if it was a new relationship

I cannot think of a situation outside supplying medical histories for potentially inherited diseases, or stating next of kin for some legal purpose when this question would ever be appropriate.

I don’t get that it’s especially rude. If it’s OK to have kids with different fathers (Clue: it is) then why is it rude to ask about it?

Oh I was often asked this too, small age gap and different looking babies... it’s very odd. I found “what makes you wonder that?” A very useful response!

I've been asked this by someone who had never even seen my children. I mentioned in passing I had 2 children 2 years apart and the reply was to ask if they had the same father. Once I said yes they do I was congratulated because apparently "that's very rare nowadays". I quickly ended the conversation at that point.

I’m a single parent and have been asked that a fair few times. Mainly older women. Sadly they seem to think single mum = slapper who wants benefit babies. Fuck em!

I have a big age difference with my brothers. When I was little some adults asked if we had the same parents. As a child I didn't understand the question.

I can understand it more when there's a big age gap like that - you sort of assume it might be a second family.
Still rude to ask. It might be understandable to think so, but to say it out loud in a chitchat setting? Nope.

This is a nosy question that you are well within your rights to treat with contempt. However, I doubt there is any judgement attached to having children with different fathers.

Red hair is a recessive gene. It is usual for a family with a red haired child to have non-red haired children. It is probably the reason though. People are ignorant. I would find it irritating.

I've had this as a child. I went to private and my older brother went to state school so I had less of a regional accent. My very bemused dad was massively praised for taking his kids from different mums on holiday together by the outdoor activity instructor whilst Mum and little brother were in the cafe. Also the sibling age gap is 30, 28 and 21 so most assume the little one is a mistake (emphatically planned and there's at least one miscarriage in between) or my dad's second marriage. My parents have been married for 35 years.

It is weird and rude of people to say such things. It wouldn't occur to me to ask such a personal question but people are strange.

One of my husband's cousins had two little girls (not close together like yours); one was fair and the other dark. People sometimes asked if the darker one was adopted! What's more they didn't think it was wrong to say that. As it happened the younger one took after her dad in colouring, with dark hair and a rather swarthy complexion, that's all. Like lots of other people. It made me cringe.

Pay no attention to rude people.