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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Do they have the same father?"

235 replies

firstmentat · 08/06/2020 07:08

The children have an age gap of just over a year (both still quite young). Still, sometimes people ask me this question (not as a part of their professional duties, but in general as a part of "getting to know you" chat). I am a single parent, the father (same to both children) is not involved.
I cannot point out exactly why, but this does sound to me as it has an unpleasant undertone. But I am not British, and there were occasions when I misread the situation due to cultural differences.
To me, they effectively are asking whether I have slept with a man other than my ex husband with a tiny baby. Or am I completely misreading the subtext?

OP posts:
Teapot13 · 08/06/2020 16:43

Just say you don't know -- job done!

MsTSwift · 08/06/2020 16:46

I was asked by a nurse when booking in during second pregnancy and also whether I was a hard drug user. She was apologetic and said she had to ask everyone!

Raella50 · 08/06/2020 17:02

My DC look very, very alike so I’ve never had that one. It’s incredibly rude though!

Mumshappy · 08/06/2020 17:06

My youngest two look similar. They dont have the same dad. I take pleasure from telling noisy strangers that they dont have the same dad.

Sarahandco · 08/06/2020 17:08

Completely rude and not an acceptable question.

Personally I would answer that I was not really sure.

TruJay · 08/06/2020 17:14

It’s a rude question, I don’t understand why people care.

Dsis and I have been asked many times if we’re twins. I’m 5 years older than her and we DO have different dads Grin

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 08/06/2020 17:20

@MsTSwift

I was asked by a nurse when booking in during second pregnancy and also whether I was a hard drug user. She was apologetic and said she had to ask everyone!
I remember similar when booking in for my first pregnancy- the midwife asked me if I had any family history of FGM. I am as white British as they come, but I support it is the safest way not to miss anything through making assumptions. That said, is there a clinical reason why it makes a difference that one child has a different father from the others?
PumpkinP · 08/06/2020 17:35

I get this a lot as a single mum to 4. Even though they are all identical it’s like people can’t quite believe you can have 4 kids with the same man and be single! It’s definitely asked in a judgemental way. A teacher at DCS school assumed my youngest had a different dad! I had never said she had a different father so she just assumed, I had to correct her. Mind you I also get asked if they are all mine Confused

herecomesthsun · 08/06/2020 18:00

I have a blond child and a dark haired child, 4 years age difference, I am married to their dad. My own parents had different ethnic backgrounds. I get this question too!! The answer is " ah, yes" said quite firmly. The "how rude" is usually left unspoken.

There is a sort of grubbing about for vulnerabilities with this sort of cheeky bugger questioning that is really unpleasant! it reflects on the questioner and not on you.

Macncheeseballs · 08/06/2020 18:19

I never minded people asking me as it was true

Hadjab · 08/06/2020 18:24

Ha, I’ve been asked this question a million times because of the large age gaps between our kids - oldest is now 28, middle 19, youngest 13. You can always tell who is going to ask it as well, so I anticipate it by saying yes, they all have the same dad.

3LittleMonkeyz · 08/06/2020 19:00

@PumpkinP

I get asked if they are all mine too, even during lockdown when I couldn't exactly just have another kid over for a play date.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/06/2020 19:12

" the midwife asked me if I had any family history of FGM. I am as white British as they come, but I support it is the safest way not to miss anything through making assumptions. "

More likely that she didn't want to be accused of racism if she only asked it of people who looked like their families come from the areas where it's practised.

dentydown · 08/06/2020 19:51

I had this with my first two. Ds1 is brown skinned and dark hair, ds2 was white skinned with mid brown hair. I didn’t mind too much with children, but adults used to get me cross.

Ds2 has inherited all of his dad’s Pakistani features including the nose, nails and dark patches. It has got me into trouble a few times, including his reception teacher who insisted that he had a broken nose with his misshapen nose and “bruises “ under his eyes. I had to take him to a and e and get evidence/write a letter. That was fun!

SunshineCake · 08/06/2020 20:00

"If you don't mind me asking..." actually means you don't get to mind because I sound like I am being polite and giving you a choice...

HulaHuh · 08/06/2020 20:02

That's a rather intrusive question isn't it. I don't know why it would matter if your children had different fathers so it's definitely an odd thing to say. Saying that though i had an appointment a few years back for my dd with the paediatrician. I'd never met this doctor before and she wanted to do a full history so medical family etc. I have 2 older children as well and so i told her i had the 3 of them along with their ages any medical issues etc. She turned round and asked me if all of my children had the same father, to which i replied yes why. She said, in a smarmy way, oh it's rare these days for multiple children to have the same father that's all. I was honestly gob smacked. I told her that i'd been with my dh since i was 16 (38 now) and she was like wow so young and you're still together. Erm, yes we are. Some people, educated or not, can be complete knobs.

Bettysprocker · 08/06/2020 20:03

We have nine years between DC1&2 and I've list count of the number of times I've been asked this.

RiftGibbon · 08/06/2020 22:04

A friend of mine has two children from her first marriage (at a young age). When she was 23 or so the relationship broke down and she was single for ages. Around 12 years ago she met a divorced guy with an early teens daughter.
She and her partner have a child too
So when the whole family are out, she gets called "Grandma" and when she puts people right she gets the same dad question and the "why the big age gap?" question.

I also know of a woman (friend of a friend) who has fertility issues. 16 miscarriages and 3 marriages. First husband used to beat her. Second husband divorced her because she couldn't carry a child. She has list count of the amount of times people have asked her, "Why haven't you got children?" (Sometimes phrased as "Don't you want children, then?")

OhTheRoses · 08/06/2020 22:27

I was asked by a midwife in my drawing room when I was 11 weeks pg with ds2. Has this baby got the same father as your ds? DS1 was about 2 and a quarter. She really didn't like it when I said "I think it's a little difficult to get divorced, meet a new man and get married within two years of having a baby, what do you think?"

I know why she had to know but the way she asked and the fact she asked it in the way she did in my home, with a dated wedding photo on the sideboard, when my name hadn't changed was downright offensive.

What made it sadder was that little boy was born and died at 27 weeks and I felt he had been rubbished by the intimation that he may not have been planned. Very strong argument for apts to take place in hospital and formality to be maintained. I have expected hcps to use my title since then, never ever my first name - i will not tolerate overfamiliarity from people who think they are entitled to over step the mark.

3LittleMonkeyz · 08/06/2020 23:44

Don't worry about midwives asking, there are clinical reasons. It's not just the midwife being nosy. It effects the likelihood of certain maternal illness, such as pre eclampsia, which is influenced by the fathers genes, and risk factors for baby too. I wondered why everyone was asking me but it's because I was hospitalised for suspected pre eclampsia and that is a risk factor if not your first baby

Itsmybirthday19 · 09/06/2020 00:05

It's not a single parent thing.

There is 18m gap btw my two (one school year apart). They are same height, but one
Is blonde and blue eyed and the other is very dark (hair and eyes). Husband has SERIOUS JOB, so rarely makes it to school gates. Blonde child very like him, dark child very like me... weird but there you go. A teacher asked me the same question.

My brother and I have 16y gap but look very similar. My mum was never asked if we had the same dad (we do).

It's a looks thing.

Creamcar · 09/06/2020 00:52

I've got five DC and I have had people ask me this. They are like peas in a pod as well.

PollyPelargonium52 · 09/06/2020 08:46

It is the single parents with a lot of different children from different fathers that get mentioned in the gutter press plus Channel 5 programmes as it makes more exciting story lines than those who all have the same father. It is thanks to media distortion that this intrusiveness even exists! Sensationalism.

Lostmyshityear9 · 09/06/2020 13:03

It's a looks thing

that might be your experience but please dont' suggest to others that it isn't a single parent thing. I have the same child 3 times, there is no doubt looking at them that they have the same parents. You don't need to ask to know that. If anyone asks me that question, they are fishing for something, looking to upset or distress or just be plain unpleasant.

BitOfANameChange · 09/06/2020 13:45

I remember similar when booking in for my first pregnancy- the midwife asked me if I had any family history of FGM. I am as white British as they come, but I support it is the safest way not to miss anything through making assumptions. That said, is there a clinical reason why it makes a difference that one child has a different father from the others?

In some cases, yes. It was explained to me that my risk factor for pre-eclampsia was highest with my first child, and the risk drops for each subsequent child with the same father. The risk would jump back up if I then had further children with a different partner, I think it was related to genetics.

As it happened, I had a CS due to pre eclampsia with my eldest, and no pre eclampsia with my second. There will not be a third child, ever, even if I do find a new partner having left my abusive ex.