"Do they have the same father?"

[firstmentat]

The children have an age gap of just over a year (both still quite young). Still, sometimes people ask me this question (not as a part of their professional duties, but in general as a part of "getting to know you" chat). I am a single parent, the father (same to both children) is not involved.
I cannot point out exactly why, but this does sound to me as it has an unpleasant undertone. But I am not British, and there were occasions when I misread the situation due to cultural differences.
To me, they effectively are asking whether I have slept with a man other than my ex husband with a tiny baby. Or am I completely misreading the subtext?

My mum had all her children 10 years apart. There's 10 years between my brother and I, 10 years between my brother and sister, and 20 years between my sister and I.
We all have different dads. She was in long term relationships every time. Married to my dad, long term relationship the second time, married the third time.
It's an incredibly rude question to ask and the answer shouldn't make any difference anyway

I'm 6 years older than my DB and we have totally different colouring, so people used to ask my mum this. Total strangers in the supermarket, etc. It's unbelievably rude.

For the record, my parents have been together for almost 40 years and we definitely have the same dad!

Never ceases to amaze me what people think its appropriate to ask. Just staggering....

It is a really rude thing to ask.

My best friend has 3 children and they all have different dads. When I met her I just assumed they all had the same dad (the partner she is with now), and it never occurred to me to ask. It was only when she told me when we were getting to know each other that I realised.

My first, third and fifth children take after their dad's family, Second is much more like me and my family.

A friend saw me out with all five, looked at child four and said 'oh, I can see how they all fit together now!' Fourth child is very much like me and my family but also has attributes of his father's family.

People had assumed, on seeing me out with various children that there were two different fathers! Although, given the ages, I would have had to have been with them both simultaneously...

Aren't people rude!

It depends. Are the people who ask you this mothers of children who have different fathers themselves? Or folk for who children having different fathers is the norm? In that case, it may just be a normal question based off their own experiences/circumstances.

It depends. Are the people who ask you this mothers of children who have different fathers themselves? Or folk for who children having different fathers is the norm?

It depends? You think it's OK to enquire into how many men a passing acquaintance has had sex with?! Really?

As for it being 'the norm', well, yes, it is. We live in a modern world where we don't stigmatize women for needing to leave abusive men or for even just needing not to be married to a very nice man they no longer love. We expect women to work and look after themselves and we push married as something to aspire to. It really is no suprise, then, that there are women out there with multiple children by multiple fathers but why does anyone in the playground need to know that let alone feel they have a right to ask it?!

In my experience, it is the 'Queen Bee' types who are SAHMs in the gym all day with a high earning husband who feel the need to ask the questions. Not women struggling to get by, single parents or those with children with different fathers. We are usually the ones doing drop and run or pick up and run even faster, not the ones hanging around for a chat. Although god knows, they used to try and catch my eye and ask all the questions they could!

@michelle1504
No particular type. In the case I posted upthread, it was a British Asian male in early 40s, I think - married with teenage child/ren (but not 100% sure).

@Notredamn
Absolutely no judgment on my behalf here, I did not mean that having children by different fathers is in any way inferior. I just found it weird that people need to ask. Because having one child immediately after another to two different men is probably not a very mainstream life decision.

@Lostmyshityear9
This sounds very tiring. I also got asked whether I am on benefits or not, as if people somehow have a right to my private life if they feel they are "sponsoring" me. I haven't touched a penny from the public funds for that matter, but it should not really be anyone's business but mine.

People are so strange. I took my son (11) and three of his friends out for the day a while ago, all the same age but two white, one mixed race child with a black mum and a white dad, one mixed race child with a white dad and a Chinese mum. I was asked twice if they were “all mine.” I don’t know if the people asking thought I gave off some sort of Mia Farrow/Angelina Jolie vibe, or they were asking if all four were biologically mine, who knows? And why did they want to know? I just said “they’re all with me”... I honestly didn’t know what to say.

@Lostmyshityear9 It doesn't really matter whether or not I think it's OK, that's between the two people having the conversation to judge - different people do have different standards. My "it depends" answer was in reply to the OP's "this does sound to me as it has an unpleasant undertone". I'm saying it depends - they may have been inferring something or it may depend on whether this is the norm for the person; they and their friend group may all have children who have different fathers so they may think nothing of such a question/conversation.

I also don't actually recall saying it was OK, so you may want to refrain from putting words into my mouth, thank you.

But then my three sons are very very similar other than having different hair colour (to the point where when they were little I found it tricky to tell which was which if they had hats on!) so I think people definitely look at the superficial stuff.

@ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie would you have felt differently about that question if all the children had been white and you had been asked that same question? Did the question take on a different meaning to you because the children weren't all of the same race?

I just can’t grasp why people think it’s ok to ask questions like this ? Some People are so nosey sometimes

I have had this from multiple people, various occasions; as a single parent on holiday with the kids, by men on online dating, by parents in the playground. It's always been in a judgemental kind of way.

its very rude, i hate was it planned?? aswell.

I used to get this, I don’t know whether it was because I had my first at 22, and looked young anyways because one is dark and the other fair.
People are just rude

When I was pregnant with my eldest I got asked more than once if I knew who the father was.
We’d been married for four years before we decided to have children...

@ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie
I actually think that's rather nice, that someone considered the possibility that somehow (via adoption, fostering or biologically) they could all be yours. 20 years ago, the assumption would've been that only the one that was of identical race to you could possibly have been yours. People will ask questions about kids they see you with "How old is she" "Is the baby a girl or boy" " are they all yours" etc....they're interested, or maybe just trying to be friendly. Don't answer if you find it invasive!

I think the most embarrassing question anyone ever asked me was when I was 17 and newly married and a man at work, probably in his 40s, asked me if I'd slept with my husband before we got married. Seems silly now but a big deals 50 years ago.

Someone else in the office shouted out, "It's not the sleeping that causes the trouble." I said, "If I'd known how he snored I'd never have married him."

I was scarlet with embarrassment. He was normally a very quiet man, don't know what prompted the question.

It’s not cultural. People do tend to ask things like this. I have siblings with a 3 year age gap and 10 year age gap. People have asked me the same too. Don’t worry about it OP.

I’ve just realized I am the only red head in the family and that’s obvs why people ask if me and my sibs have the same dad. Literally just clocked it now 😂🙈

Also the question of a big age gap? Is basically asking if diff dads. Also if got married after 1st they presume not 1st child dad. I always say me and husband had our 1st young but when we had 2and we was married and I had finished uni etc so ppl know str8 away