"Do they have the same father?"

[firstmentat]

The children have an age gap of just over a year (both still quite young). Still, sometimes people ask me this question (not as a part of their professional duties, but in general as a part of "getting to know you" chat). I am a single parent, the father (same to both children) is not involved.
I cannot point out exactly why, but this does sound to me as it has an unpleasant undertone. But I am not British, and there were occasions when I misread the situation due to cultural differences.
To me, they effectively are asking whether I have slept with a man other than my ex husband with a tiny baby. Or am I completely misreading the subtext?

I don’t agree it’s a looks thing, mine are identical. Same hair colour, eye colour, skin tone. I think it’s a stereotype of single mums tbh. Mine do not look different at all.

I was asked by my parents neighbour if my children (11 and 13) were looking forward to their stepbrother being born. I said I had no idea but they were quite excited about their brother being born.
My mum said I was rude but I think she was far ruder for assuming my children had different dads.

I'm sure sometimes it's about the way they look (with some borderline racist and ginger-ist undertones) but mostly it's used because of the single parent stereotypes

I don't think I mean borderline. Sometimes it's pretty overt

I've never been asked the same father question, but once my twins were out of the pushchair obvious stage, there were people who refused to belive they were even related! They are ethnically white but with different hair and eye colour and skin tone. When they were born, he had so many heelprick tests because every medic that looked in clocked his olive tones against his sister's English Rose pink and decided he must be jaundiced. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Rosebel - surely they meant half brother in any case?

Why does it matter? What's actually wrong with your kids not having the same father? It just means things didn't work out with man #1, it happens.

Boris Johnson A man can have kids littered all over the place and no one bats an eyelid.

Yes I suspect that is what she meant actually. There isn't anything wrong with different dads but it's rude to make assumptions.

@Gimmecaffeine

Why does it matter? What's actually wrong with your kids not having the same father? It just means things didn't work out with man #1, it happens.

Boris Johnson A man can have kids littered all over the place and no one bats an eyelid.

Isn’t this the truth!

It's blatantly rude to ask such a question. Calls for raised eyebrows and an obvious change of subject if you want to be polite, or a "did you mean to be so rude?. If you are feeling less conciliatory, it would be "just what exactly are you implying?"

I’m white and English born and bred. I was asked the same by a random woman in a cafe while sitting with my husband and two kids. She was not English, Mediterranean I’d guess. Apparently English “girls” have a reputation for it.

A good friend of mine an absolutely lovely natured, kind, generous person who doesn't have a bad bone in her body had 4 children and she used to get this a lot at the school gates. They were all hers and her partners children but the eldest looked like her, the second like her partner and the younger two were a different combination of them both. I think it was just jealousy as she was so nice and her partner had a successful business and they had done fairly well for themselves.

I’m a redhead, my sister brunette and my brother blonde. Nobody ever questioned my siblings’ parentage, but there were many ‘milkman’ jokes made about me .

I had exactly this some years ago. I had youngest in his pram and had just collected his brother from school, there is 2 years between them. One is dark and one is fair. This mother who I didnt know and had never met before, approached us, looked at me and from one to the other and said ''have they got the same Dad?'' My reply nowadays with a bit more age and confidence would have been different, but I just replied ''yes they have'', to which she raised her eyebrows slightly and said ''ohh, ok'' as though she didnt believe me

I just remembered being at the doctors and the doctor saying the baby is better looking than the older one. I kind of just looked at him....

I have 2 by different fathers. They are as close as siblings can be. It's none of anyone's business!!

I have a neighbour. An older lady. I call her Hyacinth Bucket. I've lived here for years. One day recently she said to me "I've seen (DD) with a man, and (DS) with his father, another man" , I just smiled as neutrally as I could manage.

Don't give their judgement any credence. Just smile and walk away. It drives them crazy not to be able to satisfy their nosiness.

It’s a cheeky question

I’ve had someone ask me this too OP. Fucking rude and unnecessary.

Does their father, or one of the children have an inherited medical disorder ? If so, the DR may be wondering if one or both children are affected.

It’s rude to ask.

The only thing I can think of is that they look a similar age, so maybe they are wondering if one may be a step child?

My 2 boys didn't look even remotely alike when they were small, they still don't actually. If i had £1 for everytime someone assumed they had different dads I'd own my own house
I mean seriously, is it inconceivable that a young mum could have 2 children with 1 man?

I used to look after my friends DC when she was at work (she worked in their school so worked inset days. Her DDs were the same ages as mine and all good friends) I took the 4 dc to the cinema one time i needed the peace and quiet and someone commented on my having 2 sets of boy/girl twins. My dc are white, the friends are black
People are odd.

It's rude, I went mad once.
A bloody teacher who should have known better.
a gap of 9 years between ds2 and dd, and I was called in due to bad behaviour.
Teacher said not to worry as they are making allowances as it can't be easy for him having a new half sister.
When I said that all 3 dc had the same father, she said we just presumed.

My two look nothing alike. I’ve been asked several times if they have the same father (they do). I’m a redhead and there were plenty of milkman jokes about me when I was younger.

It doesn’t bother me too much, I give different answers depending on the mood I’m in.

Very very rude question. Ignore!

Two of our DGCs are of mixed race, one is much darker than the other, two years difference.

An old lady once said to their mum, “What beautiful children, do they have the same father?”

There is a lot of it about.