"Do they have the same father?"

[firstmentat]

The children have an age gap of just over a year (both still quite young). Still, sometimes people ask me this question (not as a part of their professional duties, but in general as a part of "getting to know you" chat). I am a single parent, the father (same to both children) is not involved.
I cannot point out exactly why, but this does sound to me as it has an unpleasant undertone. But I am not British, and there were occasions when I misread the situation due to cultural differences.
To me, they effectively are asking whether I have slept with a man other than my ex husband with a tiny baby. Or am I completely misreading the subtext?

I’m very sorry but it’s not a dig at you, it’s a fucking rude comment based on red hair.

Why are people so nasty?

I get asked that all the time by people who don’t know me
I had 3 quite young
Then a 10 year gapand I had another Child
The child is now 10 ,and I am around completely different people socially..so each time it came up over the 10 years that I have older / now adult children ,well IF I had a pound for every person who looked suprised I had 3 adult children and said ...do they have the same dad ,I’d be very rich indeed.
I’ve been with my dh 27 years ,
But I do like a wind up
And I’m very good at keeping a straight face and saying the youngest is the milkman’s .

I know twin boys one black with black hair, the other white with straight blonde hair.
You can imagine the puzzled comments the mum gets!

I found it very rude. I was asked as part of an investigation.

Yes it's incredibly rude. It's suggesting I have been unfaithful, slept with someone other than my husband, and fathered an illegitimate child, this having 2 children with different fathers?

How is that anything other than highly offensive?

There is a 12 year age gap between DC1 and DC4. I am married to their father. I get asked all the time if they have the same father / how many fathers there are / how does my blended family work. All my DCs have the same hair colour and skin tone, and DC4 is a mini DC1!

The worst offenders are in the medical / social field. A few months ago, at a meeting at the local "centre médico-psychologique" for DD3's SN, the psychiatrist asked her about our family situation. She told her about her three brothers and sisters. The psychiatrist then turned to me and asked "are any of the fathers part of the DCs' lives?".
After I had retrieved my jaw from the floor she mumbled a half-hearted apology about "broken families" being the norm in her job.

"Musing here, but would a man out with two young children be asked, 'Do they have the same mother?'"

People would be MORE likely to think of it with a man, wouldn't they because men can have two children the exact same age from different mothers in a way a mother can't.
I don't understand why OP is being asked this. Quite apart from being rude, I don't understand why people would think it just because they're close in age and one has red hair.

"IF I had a pound for every person who looked suprised I had 3 adult children and said ...do they have the same dad ,I’d be very rich indeed."

Ah yes, but when there's a very large gap, it sometimes is because of a new relationship so I understand that's question even if it's blunt.

I had the same with my dc but a large gap. So now 12 with adult dds of 22 and 25.
But it's dead weird with close together siblings. I would take offence at that and I'm quite hard to offend.

I have asked this once but because of a (very large) age gap - a friend was about 30, her sister was about 28 and she had a brother of 15. But it was a bit silly of me as one of my close friends has a 14 year age gap between her two, and has been with the same husband throughout.

I certainly can't understand why you'd ask the question when the children are close together and so what if one child has red hair and the other doesn't? Another friend has two children (3 years apart) one is blondish, one is red but you can tell they are siblings. Hair colour is irrelevant.

I know of two completely red-headed families in my town and I am in the south of England, they definitely exist!

"None of us have ever met a completely red haired family, like the Weasleys, even though we're Scots, so don't understand this rude questioning."

Exactly. Red hair is a minority so any red haired child is likely to have siblings without red hair. I don't get it at all.

Bizarre and hugely rude! I'd be totally shocked if someone asked me such an intrusive question.

They want to know if you are dutiful wronged wife who is worthy of their friendship or a dirty slapper after that sweet sweet universal credit.

I’d lie and say no.

I think the NZ Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern had the definitive response to these kinds of questions. When asked about her grey hair during lockdown by a reporter:

"That's not a polite question to ask"

I've had this a couple if times and my children don't look that different. They both take after my side of the family but different parts of it.
It's an extremely rude thing to ask especially confusing when they havent even seen the kids and theres less then 2 years between them.

Last time it happened I looked shocked and said yes the youngest belongs to the postman but dont tell anyone. And walked away.

It's a single parent thing, OP. I don't think it is embedded in assumptions about culture or race (although of course could be in some instances). I am white British, been single 10 years with 3 children, professional job - wear a suit in the playground, home and car owner. I have been asked the same question too many times. My stock response is 'would you ask me that question if I had a ring on my finger?'.

I’d lie and say no.

Or if you really want to get rid of them, lie and say "I don't know".

I used to get this all the time. DD1 has dark, dead straight, hair, green eyes, pale skin and was quite a “solid” child. DD2 has blonde curls, olive skin, brown eyes and was like a twig. I just asked “Why do you need to know?”

Are you related to our Prime Minister? Maybe they think it is a genetic thing?

I get same questions basically if u arent married at time of birth people presume they ain't they dad. We got married cause of this. Basically its stigma of unmarried mothers.

@Ponoka7
I am in London, job in Central London. I don't get asked this by people in the shops - more like school parents, work colleagues etc. People I would generally be on cordial hello-hello terms, not discussing the details of my relationship history.

I had the same questions before. I left an abusive marriage with a newborn and a 2 year old. I lost count of the number of people who asked if they had the same dad. It's was so intrusive and offensive.

Funnily enough now I'm remarried and we have another child together no one questions if all 3 are his. They just assume and look shocked to discover the older 2 have a different surname and are not my husbands.

It's just how single mums are treated. The assumption is there that we all sleep around and have a dozen kids by a dozen different men.

I used to be asked this about DC1 & DC2 once I separated from their father. I think it’s partly anti-single mum sentiment or prejudice. It’s certainly very rude. Tell them so. Just allow yourself to look shocked and tell them how rude they’ve been. Even pretend to think you must have misunderstood because surely nobody would ask that question. They deserve push back.

I have had this comment just because of my children has brown hair and the other is blonde. Not sure they understand DNA

People are just rude.

I do understand somewhat if it was due to different hair colour (I suspect it often is, if the person asking g has seen both of my children), but the last instance was from someone who has never even seen them.

A work-related call (completely outside of my working hours, I hasten to add). I pick up and cannot hear anything due to the children screaming in the background. I apologise and tell the person that I need one minute to switch on the iPad and then I will be able to concentrate fully.
The person on the other end: 'Oh I did not know you have young family, please don't add to the screen time on my account, it's a quick question - just ask their father to look after them, it is literally 10 sec'.
Me: "I am single so unfortunately it's not an option, please bear with me for a moment".
Person: " Oh how old are your little ones?"
Me, frantically looking for the ipad: "5 and 6."
Person: "Oh I see, must be so hard for you... If you don't mind me asking, do they have the same dad?"
Me: what was the work-related question again?

Just cannot explain it. The person asking is a colleague from a different department, not a work friend. And then I obviously remembered all the instances where I was asked the same question, and wondered if there a particular trigger for these questions.