"Do they have the same father?"

[firstmentat]

The children have an age gap of just over a year (both still quite young). Still, sometimes people ask me this question (not as a part of their professional duties, but in general as a part of "getting to know you" chat). I am a single parent, the father (same to both children) is not involved.
I cannot point out exactly why, but this does sound to me as it has an unpleasant undertone. But I am not British, and there were occasions when I misread the situation due to cultural differences.
To me, they effectively are asking whether I have slept with a man other than my ex husband with a tiny baby. Or am I completely misreading the subtext?

Some or all.

I hate this! I don't have children myself but my nan often makes comments about my niece and nephew who have a different father to their older sister. She'll say 'well they're bound to be closer because they're full siblings!' it drives me mad.
Also if I mention so-and-so is having another baby it's always 'is she with the father' 'is she married?' 'is it the same dad?'
I know these are her old fashioned views but it makes me so annoyed and I wish I knew how to assertively tell her how I feel.

That telephone conversation you quote OP is utterly bizarre. Normally if someone says their kids are very close in age that would Make the other person much less likely to think they had different fathers- as you say, it’s pretty rare to get together with a new partner when your baby is very small. And if the person says they are single that means she has had a baby, split up with that father, guy pregnant by someone else and also ended that relationship- that’s a hell of a lot to do in such a short space of time.
It’s a rude question no matter what the reasoning but it would make more sense if your colleague perhaps misheard 6 as sixteen or something?

'Why do you ask?'

I have always found people do not think before they speak about single parenting and this is invariably from a perfect stranger or somebody whom you would not regard remotely as a proper friend. Rather than asking nosey questions as if it is any of their business it would be more helfpul in society if people did not either pity or judge us and just accepted it as an everday occurrence. Which indeed it is.

It’s a rude question no matter what the reasoning but it would make more sense if your colleague perhaps misheard 6 as sixteen or something?
I am probably not old enough to be a parent to a 16 year old (I am in my early mid 30s), unless I was a teenage mother. But yes, it is a possibility, maybe I look older than I think

@firstmentat

I've been asked if there dad is dead, in prison and a drug addict. Been asked if I claim benefits. Asked if I live in a council house. Then there's the other questions which people ask when they want answers to those questions but a bit more discreetly. I get asked about my ex A LOT. I don't think people would ask me about my H that much. But single parents are fair game for prying questions, right?

Sometimes I get asked the same questions but in a different tone. So the person might ask 'when are you going back to work' but with person one it's light and breezy and with me there's a stern look. Also the follow up questions are then slightly different. When you say "oh I'm not sure yet babies still so little I'm just enjoying them right now" and get "but you are going back, right?" It's like I have to justify my personal life and personal decisions to everybody who wants to know.

No I don't. I don't need to disclose to every person I meet that I am a single parent because of domestic violence and in a bad economic situation because of domestic violence. Because once you open that can of worms, it must be something I did wrong right? I made the mistake, never my ex.

It's CHAV hunting and I guess if by CHAV you mean council house and violence in halfway there now whether I like it or not

I think with huge age gaps, it's an understandable thought but still astonishingly rude to voice it.

With two children close in age, it's hard to understand how it even crosses people's mind. And of course, it's still rude to ask.

But then, I have been a bit surprised to realise that all those tropes about single mothers being excluded on the playground etc are actually at least partially true. I'm friends with DS' best friend's mum who is a single mum of three. But I've now realised she doesn't have many playground friends. I've also noticed that people are quite quick to make comments about her with zero sympathy for her situation. She is, admittedly, a bit chaotic but with three v young children whose Dad is completely absent, I find it hard to blame her. Also, if you spend 10 minutes talking to her you'd find that she's also incredibly kind, quick to help people etc. Makes me cross how easily she is dismissed.

Oh, and you won't be shocked to hear the single dad (who is genuinely a nice guy too) is welcomed with open arms everywhere...

It's the old trope of a red haired child being fathered by the milkman.

It's shit. Truly shit.

I used to get this sometimes when mine were tiny. DS has red hair and green eyes, DD almost black hair and brown eyes. I have mousy hair and blue eyes. I was asked if DD’s dad was Asian (nope) and where I’d adopted her from (!) It happens less now they’re older because despite the very different colouring, they have similar facial features.

would a man out with two young children be asked, 'Do they have the same mother?' I can't imagine that. People are being rude, OP. Answer with 'I beg your pardon?' in an icy tone.

would a man out with two young children be asked, 'Do they have the same mother?

We have friends whose 2 children look completely different to each other and have huge differences in colour - dd is similar to my friend and DS is like his father. Their dad does not get asked if the children have the same mother. Rather, he's had a few awkward moments where people have assumed he's not the father of DD....

undertones?

downright rude,

reply with "Didn't learn any biology at school?"

people have kids with different fathers for a lot of reasons mainly father number one was a bit of a twat..

My two kids look very different from each other, different hair colour, eye colour and skin tone. I have been frequently asked if they are 'full' siblings. I reply 'What are you trying to say?' to make them consider the connotations of their intrusive comment, I have also had someone ask if my newborn baby was mine (at 8 days old) because she looked so radically different to me - some people are idiots.

People can be so weird and intrusive. I’m an adoptive parent who is very short. My DC, even though they’re very young, are tall for their ages. People sometimes look at them, look at me, and say ‘is your husband tall?’, as though it’s sort of hilarious.

For the sake of my children’s privacy, I summon all my self control not to say, ‘no they’re the adopted children of me and my lesbian partner but now that you mention it, she is very tall’.

I obviously remembered all the instances where I was asked the same question, and wondered if there a particular trigger for these questions
The trigger seems to be the realisation that you are a single parent. Despite things being better than they were, there is huge stigma towards single parents. I often feel people think you can catch single parent and what they need to do is not have things in common with you because if they do, the realisation is they might get single parent too! Hence the over the top, rude questions because if she asked you do you live near here, would you like to come to the baby group or shall we go for a coffee, you might find you have things in common! Over the years, I have had all sorts from some utter bitch drop off her child for a play date and literally sniff at me 'I suppose we're paying for you to live in that' (my house is owned outright and is every so slightly bigger than average for the area), to being told by someone that she too would love to be a teacher 'only, I can't, because I have a husband'. One woman blamed by child's dyslexia on my being a single parent and another suggested my children should live with the ex and the other woman so they could experience what a 'proper family' is like.

I have also had conversations in my early single parenting days that went like this:

• how many children do you have?
• 3
• all the same father?
• yes
• were you married
• yes
• do you work
• yes
• what as?
• a teacher
• how long have you been a teacher?
• 20 years
• do you live near here
• yes
• in the council flats behind the school?
• no
• are you on benefits?
• no. As I said, I am a full time teacher
• why are your children always in after school club?
• because I work. Full time. As a teacher -
• it's a shame you had children you're not able to look after properly. Poor things at school the whole time.
• did you go to university?
• Yes. All teachers have degrees.
• But did you go to university when you were 18?
• Yes. Did you marry young?
• No. I was 30.
• Did you know him long?
• 3 years.
• did you have children before you got married?
• No.
• did he beat you?
• No.
• So you didn't work very hard at your marriage, then?
• He had an affair.
• does he see them?
• Yes.
• I suppose you receive thousands in child maintenance then as you have a new car?
• No. I work hard and do tutoring and other stuff as well.
• So, your poor children have to put up with that? Gosh.
• John said you went to Spain on holiday last year. Did you?
• Yes.
• I suppose all those single parent benefits helped pay for that.
• As I said, I'm not on benefits. Do you receive tax credits?
• Oh yes. I don't work. It's not right to work when you have children. My husband works but he doesn't earn much.

.....

Thankfully I am rarely in the playground but I developed a bit of a reputation as a bitch and perfected the Paddington hard stare and people leave me alone now. Suits me.

do you wear a wedding ring?
Why should it matter? If you ask this question to someone you barely know such as in a school playground (my experience) or at work (OP's experience) you are just being rude. You don't need to know. Polite chit chat is 'how are the boys today?' or 'did you have a nice weekend'? Not, effectively, 'just how many men have you had sex with, then?!'

My children have different fathers, it's just a fact. Nothing I'm ashamed of obviously but I can honestly say I've never been asked, ever. There's about 5 years between them.

We have 4dc with a 3 year gap between dc2 and dc3. I cannot count the times I've been asked if they have the same father (they do). Even the HV expressed surprise when she came to do her checks on dc4 - surprise that we all had the same surname, then that were actually married, then that the dc all had the same parents. I was surprised by her surprise!

Best one, though, was when DH took dc2 to the dentist and he was asked if I was DEAD because it is so unusual for dads to bring their children to appointments! Actually dead?!

@Lostmyshityear9 that's awful.

I get this fairly regularly! I separated with my twos dad when I was pregnant with the youngest, there's 22 months between them, both look like me but have different eye colours. I always assume it's because I'm a single mum and therefore must be unable to hold down a relationship.

I have read the full thread and I feel angry on behalf of all of you who have been asked these ridiculous questions. I had no idea that people were this rude on a regular basis.

The sorts of questions you have listed are the kind of questions that I wouldn't feel comfortable asking someone unless we were very close friends, and even then I would feel a bit cheeky for asking.

My DCs looked very different from each other when they were small. I was asked by a very nosy school mum if the youngest had the same father - I said ‘I’m not sure, I’ve narrowed it down to two men’. She never spoke to me again!

I am ten years younger than my next eldest sibling and 11 years younger than the oldest sibling - I look quite different to them but we have the same parents. People still ask us do we have the same dad! Never the same mum always dad! Madness

It's very rude. I learned my lesson about commenting one time to another mum that we see so much of ourselves in our children & why I find it makes me atune to their behaviour. I later found out that her children were adopted, I felt terrible when I realised what I had said previously. Don't make assumptions & don't pry either