"Do they have the same father?"

[firstmentat]

The children have an age gap of just over a year (both still quite young). Still, sometimes people ask me this question (not as a part of their professional duties, but in general as a part of "getting to know you" chat). I am a single parent, the father (same to both children) is not involved.
I cannot point out exactly why, but this does sound to me as it has an unpleasant undertone. But I am not British, and there were occasions when I misread the situation due to cultural differences.
To me, they effectively are asking whether I have slept with a man other than my ex husband with a tiny baby. Or am I completely misreading the subtext?

I get asked this a lot. My children look different in the sense that no one has the same time of hair, all different - curly v poker straight, dark brown v light blonde and so on. All different lengths too - though I presume that makes no difference to someone's assumption to their genetics!!!

I've wavy red hair for the record - which none of them has the same as that! (one has the same as his dad, but he's now lost all his hair so no one knows anymore).

I don't think my husband has been asked. Once I answer, "No, same father but I'm still not sure who the mother is."

Overall it doesn't bother me that they ask - as I wonder why would it matter if they did have different dads (Obviously my husband might have a different idea!!)

Though I think it can be rude - depends on whether they are being judgemental about you being a single mother with more than one child. Ask them why they are asking.

If they are being judgemental and it's not because they look different they can go shite. Mind you, judgmental people don't like admitting they are judgemental so you probably won't get an honest answer out of them.

I do think this is a weird question to ask when the children are so close in age. Perhaps the children look more different than you think? Also, do you wear a wedding ring?

I was due to get married to dh, father of both my children at the time, and the hair dresser also asked me, if he was their father, i thought that was rude enough, intrusive

Bloody rude. I would never ask this

Also, do you wear a wedding ring?
No, I am divorced from their father.

I don't think it is racism, I am foreign but white.

It is rude. But in an ideal world where women were free, it would become more of a neutral question.

By free I mean not subject to the traditional expectations of purity/discretion or whatever around sex.

It’s extremely rude and intrusive. Even if they look extremely different, it’s rude and deeply personal. Why would they want to know about that? This kind of “if you don’t mind me asking” preface to a question almost always follows precedes something which is at best cheeky and at worst downright offensive. Don’t put up with it.

I have a large gap between DC two and three. People often assume he was either a mistake or another relationship.

‘Follows up with or precedes.’ Mistype.

Its so rude 😂
Me and my sisters all look different so people used to ask us this all the time as children 🤦‍♀️
I would just say what a rude question yes they both have the same father 🙄 then roll your eyes xx

A week after I had my son my neighbour asked if I had adopted or fostered. How effing rude. She must have felt guilt though as £100 was on the door mat the next day

It's a loaded question because if you say yes then they make one judgement about you and if you say no they make a different judgement about you. The next question if you say yes is they try and find a way to work out if you meet the single parent stereotypes. Eg. If you live in a council house, if you receive benefits.

@3LittleMonkeyz
Maybe you're right. I also wanted to ask why so many people (neighbours in this case) seem to assume that I am on welfare despite all the evidence to the contrary (but was afraid that it would turn into a benefit bashing thread). Probably you're right that there are just some "single parent" stereotypes at play here.

I had this growing up. I had white blonde hair my siblings had very dark brown hair and dark eyes. Always a joke from strangers about me being the milkmans. My mum resented the fact that I looked different and I was neglected
My DC look similarly different but only one person ever asked me if they had the same dad to which I replied "Yes. Do yours?"
The look on her face was a picture.

Interestingly, I don't ever recall anyone asking my father if we had the same mother. No one ever asked me if my children had the same father, they didn't by the way. I've been married twice. My son has been asked if his children have the same mother, one child looks mixed race one looks white, one just like mother one just like father. My son said he laughed in their faces but was seething.

I have five children. When their dad left and I had to go onto benefits for a while before I got work (my youngest was two), I got very tired of having to explain to everyone in the Job Centre that, yes, they all had the same father. Filling in forms was fun I just used to put ditto marks all the way down...

That’s incredibly rude, and you are not misreading the subtext at all. I, sorry you have to put up with crap like that.

However you could have a bit of fun with it. Just say “dunno” or “they could be anyone’s really” and watch their faces!

Mine are ten years apart and I get asked this. I think people do wonder especially as they don't expect me to have been with my husband as long as I have (we got together when I was 20 and I didn't have my youngest until I was 40!). Also my eldest has very olive skin and looks possibly mixed race when he has a tan - his dad is pale and ginger as is our daughter.

I don't think it's "rude" so much as unfiltered.

It is rude and unnecessary. If someone starts with, "I hope you don't mind me asking.. " then it would be perfectly reasonable to reply, "Actually, I do mind."

I was once out with my 2, DS7 and DD4 both blond(e) clones of me, DS’s shorter Asian friend and DD’s taller Afro-Caribbean friend, and some random woman asked me if they were all mine! In other words - were there 4 fathers or back to the original one for the last DC!

I had DD when I was 20. I was constantly asked (and still sometimes!) if I was still with the Dad. I always thought it was very rude so liked to give answers like "I'm not sure, we're waiting for the DNA results but there were a lot to go through!"

I think people are just nosey and like to see if other people fit into their stereotypes!

@AtLastEarwax

A week after I had my son my neighbour asked if I had adopted or fostered. How effing rude. She must have felt guilt though as £100 was on the door mat the next day

What? Did you have an invisible bump?!

I got asked this too, I was married to their father and there was 13 months between pregnancies. I agree that it had a judgemental sound when I was asked (repeatedly by medical professionals). I put it down to close pregnancies and being 23 on the second one.

Everyone I know who was a single parent, or under 25 got asked. Not the case otherwise.

@MadameMeursault

I was once out with my 2, DS7 and DD4 both blond(e) clones of me, DS’s shorter Asian friend and DD’s taller Afro-Caribbean friend, and some random woman asked me if they were all mine! In other words - were there 4 fathers or back to the original one for the last DC!

Is it possible, being charitable, that the questioner had a sort of Angelina Jolie scenario in mind and was genuinely thinking that you might be adoptive mother to so woe all of them?