Hubby’s bombshell regarding work

[Lou898]

Bit of background.
Married with 2 sons 16 and 20 both living at home, eldest just finished University.
I’ve always worked and even when I was unhappy in my job, got another before leaving existing one. Hubby worked in business travel industry for many years but in the last 10 years has moved jobs Within travel several times, sometimes due to takeovers, redundancies etc.
About 4 years ago the firm he was working for had issues and I knew he was unhappy but he came home one day and said he’d told them to stuff it. Panic set in a bit as he’d no plans on what to do and we can’t live on just my wage. Subsequently it caused a lot of stress and bad feeling as it took ages for him to secure another job (Partly him not actively looking and suggesting he could professionally gamble but that’s another story ) and we ended up using nearly all our savings. He did some consultancy work for a few months which he got well paid for and then got headhunted for a new travel venture. This was well paid but eventually went under and again out of work. Again took a lot of nagging and stress and upset on my part as we’d just started to get back on track. He decided he wanted out of the travel business and I too thought this was probably the right decision as it’s slowly dying, but it’s what he’d done all his working life. Anyway fast forward and he secured a job In a totally different sector albeit on much lower pay and unsocial hours but something he thought he’d enjoy, so I was happy for him to take a less stressful job if he enjoyed it. The hours aren’t great 6pm to 3am/4am and then until covid a 45 min drive away, but he was ok with doing it when he started.
Covid has since had him working successfully from home which he’s found much better not having the drive home in early hours.
Tonight he’s come down and said firm are looking at getting them back to office in July. He’s said there’s no way I’m doing that. So I said what are you going to do and he said Jack it in if they insist.
I said are you going to start looking for something else then? At first he said yes but then he said I’ve got some money I might just give you that. I said and how long do you think that’ll last? He answered how long do you expect me to work for until I’m 67? He’s 60. I said no but for a few more years, unless you find out when you can draw your pension and if we can manage on it.
He walked out of the room and has barely spoken to me since.
I feel stressed about this all happening again. I have lost my dad and mum in the last 15 months mum in Dec and am still struggling with that.
My mum left a house which isn’t sorted out yet due to covid but I’m mad if he thinks that the house will be a safety net for him not to work.

AIBU

The OP has never taken a break from work, whilst her husband has several times conveniently.

He has an interest in gambling....
She has a 20 and 16 year old still within the family.....too right she should protect that inheritance.

She may need it.

One of them needs to be realistic.

Lots of people would love to retire at 60...the reality though is lots can't.

She needs to protect funds that she may need.

You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP about ring fencing your mother's house and proceeds thereof for yourself alone, if you wish to sell it or rent it out. Don't tell him you're doing it.

I agree with math here.

He doesn't want to work. That's the bottom line. He doesn't want to work.

I'd schedule an appointment with a solicitor and see how I could give the inheritance to your children or a trust.

He can sulk and huff all he wants. Grey rock that.

Doesn't matter if you feel old or you don't like it, if you can't afford to not work, you can't afford it. You have to keep on going. Or go on UC if you qualify, and believe me, the same conditions apply until you're pension age, you're expected to work FT.

Right now I'd be looking up solicitors.

Professional gambler, ffs.

I'd have been out of there the first time he pulled that stunt of 'I told them to stuff it' and didn't have another job to go and didn't discuss it first. He's not a team player, so why do you have to be when it comes to this inheritance?

Does he have health issues that prevent him from going back in July? Or is it just that he prefers working from home? Maybe it's worth speaking to his employers to ask if he can work from home a couple of days a week?

He shouldn't be making decisions to give it up without discussing with you first.

I think the reason why posters are recommending OP look into ring-fencing her inheritance is because of her H's interest in gambling.

That, combined with several periods of unemployment and only reluctantly returning to work when forced to, combined with the fact that they have children who will need further educational support including tuition fees, makes it quite a sensible suggestion IMO.

This is not about trying to do the H out of anything he should be entitled to if they were to split - it's about making sure the children are protected.

And whilst I agree that unsociable hours are an unrealistic expectation for older workers, there is nothing to stop him from looking for a new role with better hours.

And crucially I'd expect this to be discussed as a joint conversation - rather than a fait accompli of 'I've jacked my job in - it's now all on you'.

It’s one thing jacking in a job, without another one to go to in a buoyant economy and another in an economy where there is a lot of uncertainty.

There is a lot of uncertainty at the moment. We’ve had a three month hiring freeze on that has just been extended until September, due to the uncertainty around the impact the civic lockdown will have.

As far as the house/house proceeds, seek legal advice if you plan to divorce. From what I've read, in England and Wales an inheritance might or might not be considered part of the marital 'pot'. But look at it this way, if you do divorce, at least you'd end up with half of it. If things go the way he wants them to you'll end up with none of it. And as long as you're married, he can't touch it if it's in your name only.

Yes, it's hard to keep working when you no longer want to. Yes, everyone would like to be able to retire early. DH and I both retired in our mid-50s. But we planned it that way. In fact early retirement options were one of our main career choice requirements. Our jobs were never glamourous and often very stressful but we considered that the tradeoff for knowing we'd retire relatively young. And the bottom line is that neither of us would have kicked it in if the money was needed to live on.

If he can find a steady job he thinks will be 'easier' that will also allow expenses to be met without depleting the inheritance, fine. Otherwise he needs to be told 'Suck it up, Buttercup'. No one is happy in their job 24/7.

How big is his pension pot?

Talk to a pension advisor and get them to model what it would look like if he were to draw down enough for his share of your household needs now (taking into account the 16 yo going to Uni, and bearing in mind that the drawdown can reduce once his state pension kicks in.

I have an unimpressive pension pot and am looking at very little employment prospects from the end of Jan next year - my sector has been almost destroyed by lockdown - but I was reasonably encouraged by what my advisor showed me - even the model that showed the effect on my pension of two further 'crashes' between now and when I am 93.

Also: £200k would go a lot further than 10 years @ £20k in a pension.

I love that fact that some posters have decided that he has a gambling problem despite the fact that OP hasn't said he gambles at the moment. I'm not sure what she means by "professional gambling" but if it's match betting he's not risking their money. If he becomes a professional poker player it depends how good he is. Some people make a lot of money.

You know, at first I was going to say what he is doing is unreasonable. But I think there's more here. Instead of focusing on his actions, look deeper - the reasons.

He's 60 and may be feeling really burned out. He may feel like this will never end, so maybe sitting down with a plan. Work out the finances and when can he retire. I mean if your Mum's house is worth a million, he may feel like our continuing to work like this is ludicrous. But if it's worth a far smaller amount the reality is, that may be needed.

Sit down, talk about how he's feeling, figure out your retirement goals - are you both going to work until 62, 65? Then help make this job work - work from home 2 day/week, go to a 4 day a week work week. Life is so much more than a job, and yet considering his age he's so close to finishing, he may just need a bit of encouragement.

And whilst I agree that unsociable hours are an unrealistic expectation for older workers, there is nothing to stop him from looking for a new role with better hours.

Wait till Brexit and the end of most employee rights. People will be expected to take what they can get until they can afford to retire, if ever. He's 60, not 80. Funny how on MN someone dies in their 70s and it's 'he was so young' but you're too old to work FT at 60 and knackered. An unsustainable paradigm.

I'm not sure what she means by "professional gambling" but if it's match betting he's not risking their money. If he becomes a professional poker player it depends how good he is. Some people make a lot of money.

It's still gambling. You can lose money. And people who are successful professional gamblers are those who are very dedicated to their work (which is often nights), do a lot of research, it's not a 'get out of life free' job, it's work. A relative of mine does it professionally, he usually works 50+ hours/week. He is actually very risk adverse and worked in the compliance area of insurance before making the transition (it was a side hobby for some years before).

Then help make this job work - work from home 2 day/week, go to a 4 day a week work week.

So again, it's her problem to make this person behave like an adult? How does 'make this job work' if the employer wants them back to the office? You don't get to just de facto dictate to an employer the terms of your employment, they do.

Spot on. I can see why many men feel agrieved and taken for a ride financially with this sentiment. Strange how after such a long marriage all funds are not for both of them....I am sure in the UK a divorce looks at the total pot and not just a bit of it to suit the convenience of one person.

"SerenDippitty Sun 07-Jun-20 12:02:11
If I had a house left to me I would consider it OUR inheritance (married 25 years - I am hugely higher earner than dh) and am shocked that people are saying to get it ringfenced legally behind her husband's back! This comes up time and again on here. A husband’s money is always “family money” yet a wife’s money is hers."

You need to sit down as a couple, maybe with financial advice and work out a proper framework for a retirement plan that you both agree on.

Take into account if you have another child to get through uni still. Do you want to retire at the same time, as he is a bit older he might want to retire earlier or go part time, you might want to work longer as you are younger and not ready to give up working life. Work out how to finance the type of retirement you both want and when that can happen for either of you, homebirds vs travel the world will have very different financial requirements.

Just now you both seem to have very different ideas of where you are going.

I think there are two issues here that need to be separated. About this particular job maybe he isn't being unreasonable, with its evening start, early morning finish and longish drive. But on the other hand, he has form. And when that happens, he has no plans for what he's going to do instead, and by the sound of it isn't too bothered about finding another job, thinking he'll live off savings or the OP's wage. (Or being a professional gambler!) So I can see that the OP's view of this is coloured by past events.

Spot on. I can see why many men feel agrieved and taken for a ride financially with this sentiment. Strange how after such a long marriage all funds are not for both of them....I am sure in the UK a divorce looks at the total pot and not just a bit of it to suit the convenience of one person.

Again I get that, but equally the DH seems from what we know to be thinking that it is all there for his convenience, allowing him not to work any more, without discussing it with the OP. I'd like to hear his thinking on that - is he planning to give up work, but expecting that the OP will carry on working in order to allow him (plus the inheritance) to do that?

The problem is that he makes these decisions unilaterally to tell his employer to stuff it. And then the OP is expected to get on with it, however difficult it makes things.

It's still gambling. You can lose money. And people who are successful professional gamblers are those who are very dedicated to their work (which is often nights), do a lot of research, it's not a 'get out of life free' job, it's work. A relative of mine does it professionally, he usually works 50+ hours/week. He is actually very risk adverse and worked in the compliance area of insurance before making the transition (it was a side hobby for some years before).

I didn't say that professional poker playing wasn't gambling if you read. I just see no evidence from OP that he is a compulsive gambler. Professional poker players aren't necessarily compulsive gamblers as you say yourself. It doesn't even sound as if he has done any yet. She doesn't even say that it is professional poker that he is interested in doing. It may just be match betting.

At 60 you just can't Jack in a job and expect to get a new one, especially with his work history.

He sounds like a waste of fucking space.

And I’d also make it clear that if he jacks the job in our marriage would be over. And I’d mean it. He is really taking advantage of you
Actually save that until you've taken legal advice, especially around your inheritance. I'd suggest seeing a solicitor on your own - I wouldn't mention that to him until you were ready had already received formal legal advice.

Also the pair of you should see an IFA with all your financial information to get the best and worst scenarios (both with and without your inheritance) and also mentioning your DH's wish to professionally gamble as an occupation...

I’ll give a bit more information that seems was missing for some of the posters.
I deal with all the finances. He has always given me his full wages and then has had an amount transferred to his account to spend as he wishes. He was happy with this arrangement as I worked in a bank and he was happy I sorted everything out financially.
He doesn’t have a gambling problem ( not in any debt) does like a bet (horses), is quite successful at it as he researches a lot into it, so much so bookies have stopped him betting as he takes too much money from them. He inherited abou 60 k when his mum died, he gave 20k each to the kids (invested) £10k he kept and remainder went to joint funds ( think ended up going towards a new car). I’m thinking this might be where the funds he suggested might be coming from.
We are mortgage free.
Mums house is not worth millions probably about 250k.
I’m not adverse to sharing the proceeds of the house just don’t want to just use it for bills. I had hoped to do something more interesting with it.
I’m also not expecting him to continue working till he’s 67 just maybe a few more years.
I agree we need to find out what his pension pots worth as I have to admit I don’t really know.
I know my pensions will give me a good proportion of what I earn now.
I currently earn slightly more than DH but he has previously earned quite a bit more than me.
I am really happy in my job, moved jobs 10 years ago as I was really unhappy but wouldn’t have dreamt of leaving my job without another in place even though at that time we could probably have afforded to do so.
He moved to this job about 15months ago so he knew what it entailed however if he wants to look for something else that is not an issue.

I have no idea when I want to retire and had never really considered how it would all work or really planned retirement other than paying into pension plans. Now might be the time to look at it. It might be a case of not realising ( or choosing to ignore) that we are getting older and to the point we need to look at it.
I think he took me by surprise and maybe because of all the things that have been going on ( parents deaths) sorting out uni things for oldest and working full time I’ve not really realised what’s coming up.
I will look into his pension and what the situation is as I do think it’s important we do as maybe he can retire or reduce hours, just hadn't realised it was so close.
The eldest doesn’t work but only just come back from uni at end of May altho will be expecting him to find a job and contribute.

Good time to seek financial advice and see if retirement is possible for him, if that is what he wants.
I think we need to do this as well.
Good luck

YANBU. I hate my job but I have to do it or we will live less well. I will also have to work till I'm 67 as will many many others. My DC will have to work till 68 (assuming they dont raise it in the next 30 years) I've also been working through the pandemic as key worker unable to work from home. And protect your inheritance by keeping it separate. Do not fund him from your mums house

I think you hit the nail in the head with the inherited house. Clearly your DH has already felt it ok not to work from time to time. Add to that the inheritance, and in his mind, why should he work at 60.

I’m concerned that at 60 there hadn’t already been discussions between you on retirement - when based on housing plans (mortgage paid off, down sizing etc) , cost of everyday living, supporting the kids etc.

These discussions need to be had and I’m afraid to say it, but the inheritance needs to be added to the pot as in law, if it’s been left to you, it’s a marital asset.

Some serious, in-depth discussion and fact finding (on your finances) are needed for things to progress one way or another. Best of luck with this.