Hubby’s bombshell regarding work

[Lou898]

Bit of background.
Married with 2 sons 16 and 20 both living at home, eldest just finished University.
I’ve always worked and even when I was unhappy in my job, got another before leaving existing one. Hubby worked in business travel industry for many years but in the last 10 years has moved jobs Within travel several times, sometimes due to takeovers, redundancies etc.
About 4 years ago the firm he was working for had issues and I knew he was unhappy but he came home one day and said he’d told them to stuff it. Panic set in a bit as he’d no plans on what to do and we can’t live on just my wage. Subsequently it caused a lot of stress and bad feeling as it took ages for him to secure another job (Partly him not actively looking and suggesting he could professionally gamble but that’s another story ) and we ended up using nearly all our savings. He did some consultancy work for a few months which he got well paid for and then got headhunted for a new travel venture. This was well paid but eventually went under and again out of work. Again took a lot of nagging and stress and upset on my part as we’d just started to get back on track. He decided he wanted out of the travel business and I too thought this was probably the right decision as it’s slowly dying, but it’s what he’d done all his working life. Anyway fast forward and he secured a job In a totally different sector albeit on much lower pay and unsocial hours but something he thought he’d enjoy, so I was happy for him to take a less stressful job if he enjoyed it. The hours aren’t great 6pm to 3am/4am and then until covid a 45 min drive away, but he was ok with doing it when he started.
Covid has since had him working successfully from home which he’s found much better not having the drive home in early hours.
Tonight he’s come down and said firm are looking at getting them back to office in July. He’s said there’s no way I’m doing that. So I said what are you going to do and he said Jack it in if they insist.
I said are you going to start looking for something else then? At first he said yes but then he said I’ve got some money I might just give you that. I said and how long do you think that’ll last? He answered how long do you expect me to work for until I’m 67? He’s 60. I said no but for a few more years, unless you find out when you can draw your pension and if we can manage on it.
He walked out of the room and has barely spoken to me since.
I feel stressed about this all happening again. I have lost my dad and mum in the last 15 months mum in Dec and am still struggling with that.
My mum left a house which isn’t sorted out yet due to covid but I’m mad if he thinks that the house will be a safety net for him not to work.

AIBU

@keepyourdistance - completely agree with your posts there. Throw into the mix a husband who doesn't have a pension (apart from the state pension at 67) and who hasn't contributed since January and you have one very resentful working wife.

It sounds like you need to sit down and look at all your finances, esp pensions, and estimate when you both can think about retirement.

You say in your Op, that you told him unless you find out when you can draw your pension and then go on to say he has a private pension.

Private pensions can usually be drawn down from 55 - given that you don’t seem to be aware of that, suggests that not much retirement planning has been made. He maybe has a large enough pot to replace a reasonable amount of income for next few years.

At 60, I think retirement age is 66 (he can confirm on govt website) and I doubt any changes in age will affect those of 60+, so it’s likely he will get state pension at 66. I am assuming he has more than met the required 35yrs he needs to pay in? Does he have any final salary pensions from his earlier working life, the money purchase schemes were less prevalent in 80s?

I can see your point of view, but I can also see your DHs, we are late 50s, but with long commutes and difficult jobs. Whatever others say, working does get harder with age, my memory is not what it was, and I find it harder to bring facts to mind than when I was 30! I have also become a lot less tolerant of the BS that happens in most companies and of people that say plenty but do little - age has made me much more cynical.

We are looking to finish by 60, but we have been planning for that for many years, with both having ISA pots to supplement pensions. We too have a variety of private and company pensions - some of the latter will pay out to me at 60, you may have similar, worth looking at, as women's retirement age was 60 when we joined early schemes.

We also have had some windfalls - an inheritance, endowment policy and 2 share payouts. Most of it was ‘my’ money, but we have always shared and after a family holiday and a newer car for me, remainder went into joint point. There is no way I would tell DH he couldn’t benefit from it, but then he doesn’t have gambling tendencies, so I can understand your caution.

Our eldest has also just finished uni, youngest 20 but chosen not to go at moment. As pp said, if you are on lower income they get more in loans and other help. We won’t put off our retirement in case she decides to go.

Very fortunately my wages are enough for me, him and 3 kids. But can't see an end in sight and it does feel like a flippin millstone around my neck.

It sounds to me like he feels he has 'done his bit' and now deserves to live work free on savings/pension/money you can provide.
I think you need to sit down with him in a very calm and open way, without any anger but explain that his working all those years was for his kids and that you are not comfortable with him living off you as it will leave you both financially in a situatin you have not signed up for.

How long have you been together ? Surely if he has worked very hard over the years and paid more into raising the family than saving and maybe you saved more as was better at it

How would you feel if he got a house give to him and he wouldn’t share it with you

I worked 21 years with just 1 break due to not been able to work and I got 22 years left to get to 60 I can imagine at 60 them hours would be brutal

Could you not come to a agreement he works for a year or 2 and all his money goes into a pension

To be honest, I too think some of the comments are a bit harsh.
As some has said he has worked 40 years and now to do the strange hours he is doing at his age wont be easy.
I am sure his feelings of wanting to retire are compounded by his brother and possibly by his contempories. All my friend's have retired early and I am still working and I do envy them somewhat, but they can live comfortably in their retirement, I cannot.
You actually say you both have good pensions, so are sure that if he took his work pension now it would not bring enough in to the household pot?
You say you were brought up poor, so possibly this has brought out an irrational fear that you will never have enough?
I agree see a financial adviser, I am sure you already know your pension forecasts and discuss options from there.

Also if you are married your mums house that she left you is half his.Do you think this is in his calculations?

I have known people that have passed away before state retirement age

However, I think that the virus has changed everyone's perspective on life recently.

I agree that you both need to look at your income & expenses now & for the future

If your oldest child is living at home, they should contribute to the household

I am hoping to retire before my state retirement age, but I have some things in place to do this.

Why do neither of you know when he can draw his pension?

As a pp said, she and all her friends had retired around about 59, 60. Yet, there is an expectation that men ( unlikely to live as long) go on working until they drop

Nonsense, retirement ages are the same for men and women in pension schemes and the state pension and have been for years. That isn't changed by one pp who was able to fund early retirement.

Early retirement is a thing of the past other than for high earners.

A "little part time work" is a nice way of dismissing women who have compromised work opportunities with managing family care to enable a man's career and financial opportunities.

At 60 doing night shifts will be hard, he's missing family / couple time. Have you sat down and worked out if he can afford to retire ? Tbh if my DH was unhappy and we had the money to do it I'd let him retire, you're a long time dead.

As I'm American, I don't know how this financial advice translates exactly, but here, financial advisors traditionally say that, beyond your pension/rents, etc., for any annual amount that you need, you should go by the four percent rule. I.E.; You should take out four percent or less of your savings per year. So, for each 250,000 you have saved, you can afford to spend 10,000 a year without beginning to drain your savings, if you have your savings well-invested. But this may not work as well if, during the first year/s of the retirement, there is a recession. Also, as a woman, you have got to look out not just for your husband's retirement but your own long life ahead. You could end up being his caretaker and then going broke yourself. Your house must be your nest egg, too. www.investopedia.com/terms/f/four-percent-rule.asp

It sounds like he wants to live off your inheritance ... what will you have left when you retire 15 years or so from now and he's spent it, and then he predeceases you?

I would be very upset. He picked the career change. He picked the hours. And now he doesn't want to because you have a house coming your way.

I'd threaten to legally separate if he doesn't figure out a better option so he can't have your inheritance.

You could discuss delaying his retirement until your youngest is 18 or 20

I'd also point out that there's often a big difference between working at 53 and at 60. At 53 I didn't see myself stopping working until I was forced to. I loved my job. But for many of us energy reserves and physical issues start rearing their heads earlier than we realise ( and to be honest, I'm probably more luckier than many people of my age). In seven years time, OP, you might realise why those horrible hours just aren't sustainable for him any more.

He needs to get another job before he quits his current one. Also does you're eldest contribute to the household?

I think it's sad that people work so much in life and are unable to find a good balance, especially when they are older.
There's so much more to life than working to pay bills.
can you not live more frugally so that you earn less but have fewer expenses.

In seven years time, OP, you might realise why those horrible hours just aren't sustainable for him any more

Maybe they arent sustainable but that doesnt mean the OP should pay for everything does it? thats hardly fair.

If he doesnt have the pension to be able to retire now then he'll have to change jobs or reduce his current hours/schedule. If OP supports his lifestyle until she retires and then he needs care for example, her money will be almost gone and they'll be nothing left for HER to retire on.
Not to mention, I'd be very very concerned allowing someone access to such a large sum of money when they've made it clear they enjoy gambling....

@Cambionome it depends on the child, one of mine was no trouble at all as a young child and a total nightmare at 16. He's a lovely adult now but at 16 he was so difficult he was making me ill.

I think 60 years isn’t too young to retire, especially if you do both have a pension. If he was 50, I think I’d see it very differently. You can’t ignore the fact that you will inherit though, but we’re you intending not to share that with your husband? I inherited a house but it never once occurred to me that it was solely mine to do with whatever I wanted. As I was married, I felt it was our inheritance. Why wouldn’t your inheritance be a ‘safety net’? It must help in a way?

At a deeper level, what's going on the burden of responsibility thing. I suspect of the two brothers, his other brother took the role of parenting the mother, and your DH was the one who was more reactive and less compliant. It's not that he doesn't want a job, he wants freedom from responsibility.
Some kids take a 'parenting' role towards their parents, other kids take a 'hostile' or punishing role toward their parents.
He is also reacting against his employer and you who represent the parent. He's not getting the recognition he craves. When his own kids came along he had to compete with them too and recognition decreased at that point.
He's like a kid you asked to mow the lawn - he's saying 'why do I have to do it? I'm worth more than that but no one really sees that!' But he's been saying that all his life.

Where do people get that he has a gambling problem? He suggested professional gambling but the OP hasn't said he has a problem. Same with him being lazy, from what the OP has said there wasn't a problem on his side (not his fault if firms closed) until 4 years ago, so until 56 he worked. He is saying he doesn't want to go back to travelling to and from work at night, he likes working from home. Hopefully his firm will allow it.

I'd threaten to legally separate if he doesn't figure out a better option so he can't have your inheritance.

He will get half the inheritance if they divorce and considering that he can probably draw on a private pension too if he is 60, that won't necessarly put him off.

I wonder how many of those who think he is lazy for wanting to retire at 60 are anywhere near that age themselves. I and most my friends (all in our 50s ) would love to retire as soon as possible. I think it's very common to not want to work after you've had a few decades of it.

Blimey, some really harsh and some pretty outrageous replies here.

If I had a house left to me I would consider it OUR inheritance (married 25 years - I am hugely higher earner than dh) and am shocked that people are saying to get it ringfenced legally behind her husband's back!

Of course I understand your frustration OP and it sounds like he's made selfish, unlilateral decisions so I realise the situation is complicated.

I think this is down to a MASSIVE lack of communication. You both need to be absolutely clear about what you both want and be open and honest about any monies you both have and how you both believe they should be used.