Hubby’s bombshell regarding work

[Lou898]

Bit of background.
Married with 2 sons 16 and 20 both living at home, eldest just finished University.
I’ve always worked and even when I was unhappy in my job, got another before leaving existing one. Hubby worked in business travel industry for many years but in the last 10 years has moved jobs Within travel several times, sometimes due to takeovers, redundancies etc.
About 4 years ago the firm he was working for had issues and I knew he was unhappy but he came home one day and said he’d told them to stuff it. Panic set in a bit as he’d no plans on what to do and we can’t live on just my wage. Subsequently it caused a lot of stress and bad feeling as it took ages for him to secure another job (Partly him not actively looking and suggesting he could professionally gamble but that’s another story ) and we ended up using nearly all our savings. He did some consultancy work for a few months which he got well paid for and then got headhunted for a new travel venture. This was well paid but eventually went under and again out of work. Again took a lot of nagging and stress and upset on my part as we’d just started to get back on track. He decided he wanted out of the travel business and I too thought this was probably the right decision as it’s slowly dying, but it’s what he’d done all his working life. Anyway fast forward and he secured a job In a totally different sector albeit on much lower pay and unsocial hours but something he thought he’d enjoy, so I was happy for him to take a less stressful job if he enjoyed it. The hours aren’t great 6pm to 3am/4am and then until covid a 45 min drive away, but he was ok with doing it when he started.
Covid has since had him working successfully from home which he’s found much better not having the drive home in early hours.
Tonight he’s come down and said firm are looking at getting them back to office in July. He’s said there’s no way I’m doing that. So I said what are you going to do and he said Jack it in if they insist.
I said are you going to start looking for something else then? At first he said yes but then he said I’ve got some money I might just give you that. I said and how long do you think that’ll last? He answered how long do you expect me to work for until I’m 67? He’s 60. I said no but for a few more years, unless you find out when you can draw your pension and if we can manage on it.
He walked out of the room and has barely spoken to me since.
I feel stressed about this all happening again. I have lost my dad and mum in the last 15 months mum in Dec and am still struggling with that.
My mum left a house which isn’t sorted out yet due to covid but I’m mad if he thinks that the house will be a safety net for him not to work.

AIBU

"We all enjoy working from home."

Please don't presume to speak for everyone. I HATE working from home as do my colleagues.
I think he hates his job full stop.

If you want him to probably engage in the household and contribute as an adult, you have to speak to the younger part of him that is feeling unrecognised and unloved and taken advantage of. Along the lines of:
'I know how hard it's been for you work-wise over the past few years. I really appreciate what you've been doing for all of us. Look at our lovely kids and how amazing they are. You have been a big factor in that. I love you and I want you to feel happy and feel rewarded, I want to feel that too but I just get worried about money sometimes'.

Also, the reality is that most of us will work until our late 60's.

Yep we do, least I do! and madley enough still enjoy it:)

Also what will he do all day apart from get under your feet? He and thee need a serious talk to see what BOTH of you want from your marridge from now on.

To me the worth of the house the op has inherited plays a part. Is it worth a couple of million in London or 100k in the North.
Plus what are the outgoings on the property that they live in.
If there is no mortgage and a million or more in the bank I can see his point and when the op reaches 60 or so maybe enjoying the time before infirmity sets in will be a priority rather than saving for a possible future.
If both work to pension age then dh will be 74 when op retires will he still be OK doing all the things you want to do.

It sounds like the house hasn't been sorted yet, so still not in her possession. Still possible to protect it perhaps ...

Those saying 60 is not old, are you actually working full-time in your 60s?

I worked f/t for the first 18 months or so after I hit 60, but have reduced my hours twice since then and only do 17 hours pw now. I was finding f/t work absolutely knackering, despite it not being a physical job, and my arthritis has been getting worse and worse since I hit 50, so I'm in a lot more pain.

OP, my DP is 60 too and his state pension age is 66 and 3 months (and that pissed me off too - 5 years younger and he only has to work another 3 months lol). I think you need to have a serious pension conversation with him. You never know, he might be able to draw a private pension now and it might not mean a big drop in income when you take into account not paying NI.

Also, if he has small pension pots from various jobs, he might decide to cash them in and live off the money, despite it meaning a smaller pension later.

I don't think many employers are in a position to have everyone back at work yet, because of social distancing. And his employer may find, like many, that WFH works so well that they are happy to let it continue for those who prefer it, even if only for part of the week.

YANBU.

You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP about ring fencing your mother's house and proceeds thereof for yourself alone, if you wish to sell it or rent it out. Don't tell him you're doing it

I'm afraid that's unlikely to work; I believe you're in the US (?), but in the UK - and especially after a long marriage - OP's inheritance will almost certainly have to be considered part of the joint pot

Perhaps it might be an option for him to WFH one or two days a week in July when his workplace reopens. I think a lot of people will probably be calling for more flexibility, assuming them WFH has, been a, success? It could be the start of a slow wind down for your husband toward retirement?

To me the worth of the house the op has inherited plays a part. Is it worth a couple of million in London or 100k in the North

This is a very good point. People are acting as if an inheritance will provide for the rest of your life! It often wont.
Imagine you inherit a property worth 200k. If you exists on a lifestyle of 20k a year (which is actually a VERY modest lifestyle) - that will run out after only 10 years. OP will be just be retiring then and her husband will be approaching 70- he could live another 20 years after that! or require care to pay for- what then?! Not to mention, what about house repairs? university fees for their kids, what if they want to help their kids on the property ladder? then it would run out in what?- 5 years?

Unless you are inheriting a couple of million, its not going to allow you to live income free for 30 years+

In 7 years if the dh of op has paid his insurance he will be entitled to probably about 9k a year,not very much but helps with bills etc so really talking about next 6/7 years with no income if he gives up work now.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

To me the worth of the house the op has inherited plays a part. Is it worth a couple of million in London or 100k in the North

This is a very good point. People are acting as if an inheritance will provide for the rest of your life! It often wont.
Imagine you inherit a property worth 200k. If you exists on a lifestyle of 20k a year (which is actually a VERY modest lifestyle) - that will run out after only 10 years. OP will be just be retiring then and her husband will be approaching 70- he could live another 20 years after that! or require care to pay for- what then?! Not to mention, what about house repairs? university fees for their kids, what if they want to help their kids on the property ladder? then it would run out in what?- 5 years?

Unless you are inheriting a couple of million, its not going to allow you to live income free for 30 years+

This is not a valid point - they will not be income free as state pensions will have kicked in by 66/67 for him at the latest (op might possibly be later) and private pensions almost certainly well before.

If I had a house left to me I would consider it OUR inheritance (married 25 years - I am hugely higher earner than dh) and am shocked that people are saying to get it ringfenced legally behind her husband's back!

This comes up time and again on here. A husband’s money is always “family money” yet a wife’s money is hers.

said no but for a few more years, unless you find out when you can draw your pension and if we can manage on it

The issue could be that you said No rather than support him emotionally. Had you said "sure, let's see what the pension figures are and check if we can manage financially" do you think he would have reacted better?

I don't think this is a lazy man, he has worked but the travel industry has been volatile and I have known highly skilled people out of work due to severe dips in the sector.

At 60 many people are looking at retirement as an option so he isn't being unreasonable. The inheritance should be considered a joint asset given the length of marriage.

As a couple you are facing bereavement, retirement, covid, growing children.. it is stressful. Be kind and try to understand each others positions

I don't think anyone would be suggesting she ringfence the house if her Dh didn't appear to be planning to live off of it when he should still be working like she is. If he blows through that, and OP is still only 53, she won't have anything to retire on other than her pension which likely isn't much.

Why should he get first choice to retire, if you are coming in to money? That's very unbalanced.

If ignoring is his usual tactic for getting his way, then be ready for it this time.

Good luck.

This is not a valid point - they will not be income free as state pensions will have kicked in by 66/67 for him at the latest (op might possibly be later) and private pensions almost certainly well before

Of course its a valid point lol - we dont know if the OP can survive on the pension amount he's going to get - if it covers her expenses/mortgage/bills etc or the lifestyle he actually wants. We know noting about their financial commitments- my dad for example was unable to conintue the lifestyle he had on his pension. many people cannot.

I worked full time in a highly stressful profession from 21 until I was 73. I would have continued had not ageism and racism got in the way. I then worked 4 days a week in a physically and socially demanding environment. When that job came to an end I did manual labouring jobs. wherever I could find them. Now, when my assorted skills and experience are apparently not wanted, I live on my two pensions. I miss work, but I don't miss the current working culture. I have an expensive, much loved old horse, who lives a life of luxury and care. I also have a lovely rescue cat. I go without food so they can eat. When I worked, I earned a good wage and they had "staff". The horse still does! . The spoilt companion cat also still does - me!

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

This is not a valid point - they will not be income free as state pensions will have kicked in by 66/67 for him at the latest (op might possibly be later) and private pensions almost certainly well before

Of course its a valid point lol - we dont know if the OP can survive on the pension amount he's going to get - if it covers her expenses/mortgage/bills etc or the lifestyle he actually wants. We know noting about their financial commitments- my dad for example was unable to conintue the lifestyle he had on his pension. many people cannot.

You said the op and her dh would be income free - I am saying they won't be income free as they will have their pensions! The pensions may or may not be sufficient for them to live on but they will not be income free. Ok?

I am saying they won't be income free as they will have their pensions

Mens state pensions dont start until what?- 8 years time for her H?
We dont know what kind of other pension he has now so we cannot assume.

Maybe the OP also wants to retire early?!
I think it’s pathetic the childish way he just stormed off so you couldn’t discuss it rationally. He sounds like a petulant toddler who didn’t get the instant “of course you can give up your job” answer that he wanted so he’s shit the conversation down. You are completely reasonable OP to want a grown up conversation about finances and how you’ll manage if he does this.
He doesn’t seem capable of it though, he’s jealous of his brother and clearly wants you to finance him as now you have money. Think very carefully about this. You don’t want to blow through it all just as it’s YOUR turn to retire. He’s acting like a man child.

@RandomMess

Obviously if you keep your inheritance entirely separate and don't use it all to contribute to the "family pot" he has no entitlement to it in divorce.

You could choose just spend it on yourself and retire and use it to draw it as income just for you!

Is your mortgages paid off in full?

If a man suggested doing that with his inheritance people would be up in arms. Anyway, if the OP in in Englandnor Wales, the inheritance, and all the pensions, will be classed as joint money in a divorce.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

I am saying they won't be income free as they will have their pensions

Mens state pensions dont start until what?- 8 years time for her H?
We dont know what kind of other pension he has now so we cannot assume.

I would suggest reading the thread, if that's not too radical.

The dh will get his state pension at 67 so 7 years time and has a private pension. The op has 2 private pensions; most private pensions can be drawn down by 60. In your original post you talked about them being income free for 30 years; this is not a possibility.

OP, at what age do you plan to retire? Statistically, your DH has a further 19 years before he dies. When you're 60, you will have a further 23 years before you die. When you hit 60, which I have, your own mortality becomes very real. Your DH possibly more so as his parents died much earlier than most.
I worked full time from being a teenager, in a very stressful job. I didn't actually realise how much it affected me until I retired. I'm very lucky that I could access my private pension at 60. My DH is younger than me but we are already looking at him going part time asap as I believe it will give him a better quality of life.
Would you still feel the same if the roles were reversed? You're married, supposed to be a team and yet you're more bothered about having a stash of money than your husband's health or mental state. The job he does must be awful working those hours. People who work unsociable hours are at far greater risk of dying earlier!
You both should sit down together and look at the actual numbers. How much money do you need to live well on, how much do you have in savings, (including the inheritance as this would be seen as joint money if you divorced) and both your pensions plus state pension. Put it all on a timeline for when it's accessible. Then you can look at how much income you'd need to jointly earn in order to live well, and he can then look for a position that would provide his share.
But this has to be a joint decision.

weenurse I'm also 56, and I've been made redundant. I'm shit scared of not being to get another job because of my age and skillset.

Thankgod my DH is of the "we'll get through it" despite having a similar background to you as have I.

To be fair, a university friend of mine makes £70-100k pa playing poker online.

He started doing it alongside working, waited til he was achieving a regular income and had a good financial cushion before he quit his job.

It does involve him keeping quite late hours as most of the people he plays are US based. So he plays through the night, sleeps in the morning and has afternoons to himself.

He’s used his time to get involved in a cause he cares about (refugees from a particular country).He says he needs to do that, otherwise he’d feel guilty about the aspect of it he calls “basically fleecing drunk Americans”.

He worries a little bit that the people he plays are compulsive gamblers or losing the roof over their families heads. Not enough to turn down the type of money he makes though. He’d been going from one temp job to another, never making more than £20k-22k a year before that.