Hubby’s bombshell regarding work

[Lou898]

Bit of background.
Married with 2 sons 16 and 20 both living at home, eldest just finished University.
I’ve always worked and even when I was unhappy in my job, got another before leaving existing one. Hubby worked in business travel industry for many years but in the last 10 years has moved jobs Within travel several times, sometimes due to takeovers, redundancies etc.
About 4 years ago the firm he was working for had issues and I knew he was unhappy but he came home one day and said he’d told them to stuff it. Panic set in a bit as he’d no plans on what to do and we can’t live on just my wage. Subsequently it caused a lot of stress and bad feeling as it took ages for him to secure another job (Partly him not actively looking and suggesting he could professionally gamble but that’s another story ) and we ended up using nearly all our savings. He did some consultancy work for a few months which he got well paid for and then got headhunted for a new travel venture. This was well paid but eventually went under and again out of work. Again took a lot of nagging and stress and upset on my part as we’d just started to get back on track. He decided he wanted out of the travel business and I too thought this was probably the right decision as it’s slowly dying, but it’s what he’d done all his working life. Anyway fast forward and he secured a job In a totally different sector albeit on much lower pay and unsocial hours but something he thought he’d enjoy, so I was happy for him to take a less stressful job if he enjoyed it. The hours aren’t great 6pm to 3am/4am and then until covid a 45 min drive away, but he was ok with doing it when he started.
Covid has since had him working successfully from home which he’s found much better not having the drive home in early hours.
Tonight he’s come down and said firm are looking at getting them back to office in July. He’s said there’s no way I’m doing that. So I said what are you going to do and he said Jack it in if they insist.
I said are you going to start looking for something else then? At first he said yes but then he said I’ve got some money I might just give you that. I said and how long do you think that’ll last? He answered how long do you expect me to work for until I’m 67? He’s 60. I said no but for a few more years, unless you find out when you can draw your pension and if we can manage on it.
He walked out of the room and has barely spoken to me since.
I feel stressed about this all happening again. I have lost my dad and mum in the last 15 months mum in Dec and am still struggling with that.
My mum left a house which isn’t sorted out yet due to covid but I’m mad if he thinks that the house will be a safety net for him not to work.

AIBU

Why can't you be the main earner now that your children are both adults?
He could work part time and you could look into how to increase your salary with training, promotion etc.
If you're aiming to work for another 14 years, this could be your time to focus on that whilst your DH takes part time retirement/pension and perhaps even starts a hobby.
Life really shouldn't be all about money and work, you both need a healthy work life balance.

The pension age is again under review according to the government’s website so getting a state pension at 67 cannot be relied on. Of course he needs a job 60 isn’t old if he’s in good health. This must be causing you a lot of stress OP I hope he sees sense soon.

I would find his attitude towards work an unattractive thing and I don't think I could live with it.

There was a post on here years ago, it said that the spouse kept leaving dishes etc lying around. The other partner was sick of it and said 'every time you do this, its like saying "F you, you can take care of it" to me' so when you are leaving a glass down the next time, just think of this.

Sorry for the long winded post, but your husband is doing this every time he leaves a job, he is just expecting you to take care of it. That is really awful.

I'm very sorry for your losses, and sorry you are dealing with this man.

This:

"This would have worn out my respect for him a while ago and I would be separating before he fritters away all the money and you are left stuck with him in retirement."

I think you said he's 7 years older than you? So he's 60 and you're 53? If he retires now, that's a long time he'll be retired while you're still working. The financial burden will be on you and it will be very hard not to feel resentful.

I would expect to retire at state pension age, and any earlier is a bonus - you would need to review finances and pensions, and ideally get financial advice, to decide what's affordable.

He could live off you for another 30 years or so. And what if either of you has care needs in old age? If you've used all savings/inheritance to live in, there won't be anything left as a safety net.

If they're in England and Wales, it's not always as easy as just deciding to ringfence an inheritance if the beneficiary is married. Especially not when there's still a minor child.

The job sounds unsustainable. He can't just assume he can take early retirement funded by your inheritance, but this is night work with a 45 minute drive in the wee small hours and the reality is that not all 60 year olds are going to be capable of sustaining that. So you do need a proper financial discussion, exploring what can be afforded and what options are on the table.

Is there a compromise? Can he draw his private pension and get a part time job? I've several friends and relatives who retired from their careers at 55-60 and top up their private pensions working in supermarkets, driving school mini buses etc while waiting for state pension to start.

I don't blame him not wanting to go back to night shift.
You do both need to have a good look at the figures and work out what can be done.
If you are thinking of letting out your mums house could he manage that? Get it ready, deal with agents and tenants etc?

What he can't do is quit and use up your newly rebuilt savings without a proper plan.

R u mortgage free?

He's been made redundant several times in the last 10 years, working in an unstable industry and possibly feeling old and disposable. He's now had a break from driving 45 minutes home at 3 or 4 in the morning after work (which doesn't sound much fun to be honest) and feels he can't face going back to it and is possibly feeling overwhelmed by the idea that he 'has no choice'.

It sounds to me like this runs much deeper than just being 'lazy'.

You quite understandably feel stressed and overwhelmed by it all too, not least given your recent bereavements. But if you can find a way to talk about about this from a place of listening and understanding with a prior agreement that no decisions will be made either way during that conversation, you might be able to get to the bottom of things and then eventually work out a plan together for the next couple of years, or maybe 5 years max, that helps both of you feel less scared, overwhelmed, powerless...

An honest conversation for you both with a spreadsheet. How much cash you have, forecast pension ages and amounts is what’s needed.

Honestly I would not want to be working night shifts at 60 and you guys can probably work out a way forward that comfortable for you both.

Although, I would feel cross at my partner making drastic unilateral decisions. I guess this is why I’m not married because I could not tolerate someone else making drastic decisions that impact my finances.

What is his pension situation? I retired at 61. I was knackered and the job was affecting my physical health. I looked at my finances and pension (I'm widowed, no mortgage) and I could just about afford to do so, so I did.

I'm not going to knock anyone for feeling that they just can't keep going. And his hours and commute sound tough. I'm losing friends of my age already, and life feels short. And that's without covid.

So would his pension pay his share of the bills? Or would be expect you to prop him up?

I think you needed to have retirement discussions and plans well before he reached the age of 60. When can he take his private pensions? In my profession most people are retired by 60 and they can take their pension And lump sum from 55.

I’m also not sure why it’s so wrong of him to think the inheritance could be a route to retirement. Depending on the amount, you could be bringing in an income stream from investments or perhaps a rental that could go some way to replacing his income. What would you do if he was ill and unable to work? The previous suggestion of gambling would worry me but I think you’re going to have to come to terms with the fact he’s likely to retire before you and that will change your family dynamics.

Laughing at posters who have said how hard it must be for him to work at the age of 60! 60 is not old (assuming no health problems)! I will be working till 66 and I suspect many of the younger posters on here will be working till at least 70, so probably a good time to have a think about your attitudes towards aging.

Just looked up my state pension age - 68! (Although it's a long way off so will probably be increased by then.)

He definitely needs to rethink his ideas on jacking his job in without proper discussion with you - very selfish - but I also think it would be a good idea for you to think about increasing your earning potential op. It looks like you will have a good 13/14 years left before you retire? If he has been the higher earner for most of your married life (apologies if I have that wrong) then there is nothing wrong with you stepping up and taking on more of the burden. This does of course mean that he steps up with other things (housework, life admin etc). He also needs to knock the idea of gambling on the head once and for all.

I would be very wary of being too dependent on this unreliable man op, but I do think that the solution lies at least partly with you.

Laughing at posters who have said how hard it must be for him to work at the age of 60

Me too! imagine if you said on here- well, 60 is quite old, most people would be exhausted by then, you'd get a FLOOD of people saying "I'm 60 and I climbed Mount everest in my lunch break as a personal trainer, in between doing a marathon and competing in a body building contest!"
You'd get lots of people complaining that 60 isnt old and that they happily work a 60 hour week etc

@Cambionome

Laughing at posters who have said how hard it must be for him to work at the age of 60! 60 is not old (assuming no health problems)! I will be working till 66 and I suspect many of the younger posters on here will be working till at least 70, so probably a good time to have a think about your attitudes towards aging.

There is maybe one person who has arguably implied that. The rest of the posters talking about how difficult his job is at his age have been clear it's the night shifts and drives home in the middle of the night that are the issue. Most of us who are young enough not to expect to retire at 66 also don't expect to be doing that kind of job in our 60s.

Sounds like you need a proper talk, perhaps after financial advice, about incomings, outgoings, pensions etc. Could your mum’s house be rented out and allow him to reduce hours? Not wanting to commute 45min each way to work nights doesnt sound unreasonable but if you cant afford for him to be out of work for any period of time then he cannot just quit. If you have already burnt through joint savings while he was out of work then of course he needs to take responsibility.. Unhappily working nights for another few years doesnt sound good for him or you relationship.

Those saying 60 is not old, are you actually working full-time in your 60s? I also think it depends how physical your job is and the night shifts and driving in this case would be a killer.

Oh I agree that some jobs would be much harder in your 60s- but why not ask your employer if you can go part time or switch hours? Or get another job?
the answer isnt a knee jerk- I'm going to quit to become a full time gambler and live off your money is it?

it’s not binary though is it? It’s not work in the job doing night shifts or doing nothing.

He can get another job.

I’d worry that if you’re coming into a lump of money & he believes he can be a professional gambler. I’d be at the minimum ensuring that he had no access to the money.

‘What do you expect me to do?’. This is him taking the role of the child & you the parent. Fix this for me Mammy. Not attractive in an adult.

You’re supposed to be a team, .

@Igtg

Those saying 60 is not old, are you actually working full-time in your 60s? I also think it depends how physical your job is and the night shifts and driving in this case would be a killer.

I am working at the age of 60 in a stressful and emotionally draining job, 30/40 minutes commute in heavy traffic and taking work home with me to do in the evenings and at weekends.

Honestly, 60 (with no health issues) is not that old! Don't forget, 60 year olds don't have the stresses of young children, school drop offs etc. My life is much easier now than when my dc were young - now that was a tiring time!

If I had a house that I could either sell or rent so that my husband could retire at 60 I'd be overjoyed!

It maybe that he's able to work full time-but if there's a way he could part time-why not?

I also can see why you are pissed off about him jacking in his other job & savings being used & the suggestion of gambling though.

Also the job market is very ageist (even pre-covid) and I think It’s unrealistic to say at 60, just get another job.

His hours are very anti social. I'm late 60s so a bit older than him but I don't think I could face those hours. Apart from that a 10 hr working day with 1.5 hrs travel is alot in your 60s. I think him changing jobs is a good idea if they won't let him work from home, obviously he needs to find something else.

I'm not sure why some people are talking like he is some layabout who has never worked, two periods of unemployment isn't exactly alot and it sounds like he doesn't take time off work.

Is he nervous about being more at risk of Covid due to his age, is that part of his wanting to wfh?