Hubby’s bombshell regarding work

[Lou898]

Bit of background.
Married with 2 sons 16 and 20 both living at home, eldest just finished University.
I’ve always worked and even when I was unhappy in my job, got another before leaving existing one. Hubby worked in business travel industry for many years but in the last 10 years has moved jobs Within travel several times, sometimes due to takeovers, redundancies etc.
About 4 years ago the firm he was working for had issues and I knew he was unhappy but he came home one day and said he’d told them to stuff it. Panic set in a bit as he’d no plans on what to do and we can’t live on just my wage. Subsequently it caused a lot of stress and bad feeling as it took ages for him to secure another job (Partly him not actively looking and suggesting he could professionally gamble but that’s another story ) and we ended up using nearly all our savings. He did some consultancy work for a few months which he got well paid for and then got headhunted for a new travel venture. This was well paid but eventually went under and again out of work. Again took a lot of nagging and stress and upset on my part as we’d just started to get back on track. He decided he wanted out of the travel business and I too thought this was probably the right decision as it’s slowly dying, but it’s what he’d done all his working life. Anyway fast forward and he secured a job In a totally different sector albeit on much lower pay and unsocial hours but something he thought he’d enjoy, so I was happy for him to take a less stressful job if he enjoyed it. The hours aren’t great 6pm to 3am/4am and then until covid a 45 min drive away, but he was ok with doing it when he started.
Covid has since had him working successfully from home which he’s found much better not having the drive home in early hours.
Tonight he’s come down and said firm are looking at getting them back to office in July. He’s said there’s no way I’m doing that. So I said what are you going to do and he said Jack it in if they insist.
I said are you going to start looking for something else then? At first he said yes but then he said I’ve got some money I might just give you that. I said and how long do you think that’ll last? He answered how long do you expect me to work for until I’m 67? He’s 60. I said no but for a few more years, unless you find out when you can draw your pension and if we can manage on it.
He walked out of the room and has barely spoken to me since.
I feel stressed about this all happening again. I have lost my dad and mum in the last 15 months mum in Dec and am still struggling with that.
My mum left a house which isn’t sorted out yet due to covid but I’m mad if he thinks that the house will be a safety net for him not to work.

AIBU

Why do you say he doesn’t need to find something else before he jacks it in.
@lou898....apologies. that was a typo. He does, need to find simeghing else before he jacks it in.

And if he can't, he needs to suck it up.

OP,

He is massively trying to take the piss.

My patience would have worn thin a long time ago.

I too think he thinks that YOUR inheritance is just the job to pay for his early retirement.

As @mathanxiety writes, see a solicitor and put that in a new separate account.

Tell him that he does not give up his job before a new one and if he does that you will separate.

Let him know you are serious.

He sounds extremely selfish OP.

Are you happy in this marriage?

If not, then this is the time to spell it out to him that he shapes up or ships out.

Retirement is not easy on some marriages.

I suspect his will be very trying for you as you continue to slog away.

Protect yourself.

You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP about ring fencing your mother's house and proceeds thereof for yourself alone, if you wish to sell it or rent it out. Don't tell him you're doing it

His work /unemployment history sounds like a man who likes plunging his family into difficulty, sabotaging financial security, creating drama and chaos. Professional gambling????

^^what mathanxiety said.

OP this man has 'chaos' written all over him. I bet your DCs have noticed it too. He'll be a millstone around your neck and a huge stress to you in your elder years. No man is worth it.

Urgh he's awful, does he have any good points?

You need to read him the riot act and say that you will not accept him leaving his job and relying on your income / inheritance.

At 53 you need to have a plan for your future financially, are you actually better off with it without him? It sounds like you can't trust him financially and that's a dangerous place to be.

My sister in law got divorced at your age, she's never been happier and met someone she respects and is much more compatible with. Just saying.

Your husband is a cock lodger. He is the 'modern man' who wants to live off his woman.

Your very lucky to have a husband like that. Solid, hardworking...

He's got his eyes on your mother's house... he will have worked out that he doesn't need to work for the next 7 years or so because once the house is sold or rented out there will be enough money per year to replace his salary.
But this would be irresponsible of both of you if you were to use up the money from the house at a time of life when both of you are still fit enough to work. That money should not be touched until retirement or until health issues might make one of you unable to earn.
He should work until he is old enough to claim his pension.

I think there are some very harsh responses on here. At the age of 60 and having worked for the last 40 year working till 3 a m every morning is no walk in the park.
It’s time for some proper financial analysis; what is in his pension? What will be his income if he takes it now? What does he mean he has some money and will use that?

I have some sympathetic for his feelings, but he can’t just dump this on you if you’re a partnership, you need to work it out together.

I don't blame him for not wanting to go back. He's a higher risk group and the job itself sounds tiring hours. Your kids are nearly fully grown and he is near retirement age. Is he in good health? It sounds a good time to have a proper conversation about what the future looks like. His pension if he takes early retirement vs keeping working. Your overall financial committments. Your plans for retirement. He might decide that some kind of low pay job with better hours is enough for the next six years til retirement. Or not.
My father died at 68, sudden cancer diagnosis, it probably colours my views on slogging it out til retirement but obviously he can't expect you to cover all expenses either
For Uni, on one income your younger son might get more bursaries and scholarships so it's not necessarily a reason to wait til then.
Is he also due any kind of inheritance?

I'm sorry about your mum. It's hard

I normally hate this argument but if a 60-year old woman came on here and said 'i'm exhausted from doing night shifts and they're forcing us back into the office despite Covid, but my husband won't let me pack it in' there would (rightly) be howls of indignation.

I think some of the responses are harsh and his question is valid- how long do you expect him to carry on? Have you talked about retirement and what you want to do? What were your thoughts when you had children a a relatively old age for him re how long he’s need to work for to support the family? I’d find it baffling if you haven’t got a plan for retirement or at least discussed what your long-term financial plans are.

You need to see an IFA at he may be able to start taking his pension of draw some money from it.
At the very least it will help both plan for retirement.

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about the situation and your joint future, try not to get worked up, just ask about whether he feels he's fed up with going to work and wants to call it a day, and how that might be managed financially if so. You want him to open up about his feelings, that will help you understand whether he's just tired of it all. If you two have a reasonable discussion he might come to his own conclusion that giving up work at this point isn't financially sustainable and will agree to carry on for awhile longer. At the moment you are basically telling him he has to carry on and he is clearly thinking he doesn't want to. Both of you are reacting and digging your heels in. Each of you needs to see the others' perspective.

I normally hate this argument but if a 60-year old woman came on here and said 'i'm exhausted from doing night shifts and they're forcing us back into the office despite Covid, but my husband won't let me pack it in' there would (rightly) be howls of indignation.

But if the woman had repeated form for quitting jobs with nothing to go to and had chosen this job despite it being low paid on the basis that it was low stress, the howls might be a bit tempered. Maybe he's spent all his non-working time as a tireless SAHP, but it doesn't sound like his style.

I think though that the biggest red flag to me is the fact he previously wanted to make it as a professional gambler (which also seems to explain why he's happy to take such big risks, which haven't paid off, in the job market). It's actually very hard to ringfence an inheritance when you're married, but if I were OP that's what I'd be trying to do as much as possible, assuming she wants to stay with him.

It sounds like he wants to live off the inheritance money. How much pension would he get and when? Have a proper analysis of the finances and talk about it

I think you should tackle this a different way. Why not approach it in such a way that you suggest looking at his pension provisions and working to a target income, after which he can retire if he chooses. Once you start sharing what the implications of his actions on your household income is he may think differently. Also, have you thought about what you want your inheritance for. Maybe you could suggest that once it's liquidised you could put a lump sum in both your pensions making earlier retirement possible.

People who are not yet 60 don’t know how hard it gets to be working at that age. Having retired early due to caring responsibilities, and knowing how tired I was in my last working years, I feel genuinely sorry for those who will be expected to work till they are nearly seventy.

However I think there’s more going on here.

OP I’m sorry but your DH sounds as though he sees your inheritance as his Get Out Of Work card. You absolutely need to nip that thinking in the bud.

You really do need to discuss retirement plans, because one of you is going to be working while the other is at home seemingly at leisure. How is he planning to spend the day? Will he be taking over responsibility for any of the household tasks you currently do? How are you going to manage your finances? Is he expecting you to pool everything, and will he have free access your funds? I’m concerned in this case because of the mention of gambling.

I absolutely agree with people saying you should find a way to ringfence your inheritance. It’s not his rainy day money.

I’d threaten to divorce him. See if he thinks he can live off universal credit.

Well he is being unreasonable to resign from a job that was previously ok just because they won't let him carry on working from home. Did he think this would go on forever?

It's his language that is all wrong in my opinion, eg how long do you expect me to work for. It's not about what you expect of him, it's about the two of you, as a partnership, sitting down and agreeing upon a plan given your financial situation. For example, if you're going to be able to retire at 60 too then his request would seem more reasonable. But if he retires now and in 7 years you'll still be working with no end in sight then that would be completely unfair.

You need to have a proper conversation about how he thinks finances are going to work.

So he was 56 when he first started to mess things around. My dh wants to be retired by then. I also think you need a serious talk about finances and if it would be possible for him to retire whilst still ring fencing your inheritance.

Have you both always work FT?

I'm not surprised he is knackered with these hours and commuting at 60.

Hi OP,
Why not ask him to find out how much pension he can draw and consider if he could ask his employer to go part time or as a pp suggested calculate together how many more years he needs to work. Subject to his employer allowing him to go part time he might have the choice, for example, of four further years half time or two more years full time.

If the house is in a good location and condition then renting it out could provide a stable income (I’m not suggesting that this is to allow your husband to do less). If you choose to sell I don’t necessarily agree with the idea that you mustn’t touch the money. It sounds like you and your husband have been sensible and hardworking so I would make sure you get a holiday/a few treats and treat the children before investing the rest. If your husband gambles don’t let him get a whiff of access to it. Put it in an account in your on name.

I agree with PP he’s a selfish prick who expects you to bankroll his lifestyle now.

As for the age 60 nonsense, I didn’t realise that bills suddenly stopped at age 60 and everything was free then?! Life doesn’t stop demanding money at age 60 does it so who will be pay for everything? Oh that’s right - the OP! No. That’s grossly unfair to expect her to finance him for the rest of his life. Yes it’s tiring but we all have to work and most of us continue to retirement age. Sure it would be lovely to retire earlier but most people can’t afford that so he isn’t some poor little snowflake.

I would also mention that the inheritance won’t last forever- he could live another 30+ years. If I was you I’d rent the house out for now and give yourself an income. Definitely ring fence it and don’t let him have it, it’s not fair.

Sound like he’s happy to use up all your money.....

I agree about your husband finding at least a part time job. Many people approaching retirement panic at the thought of not working and do their best to hang on to their jobs.
Having said that, I am constantly amazed at how many older women seem to think they can only ever work part time or not at all. If you look at Gransnet, most of the older women don't work and a common complaint is that they dread their husbands retiring when they are used to have the house to themselves.
That is not the case for you OP. My mother worked until 70 and her GP said work one of the best ways to deal with getting older is to continue working. Lots of research shows work is good for you.

/I normally hate this argument but if a 60-year old woman came on here and said 'i'm exhausted from doing night shifts and they're forcing us back into the office despite Covid, but my husband won't let me pack it in' there would (rightly) be howls of indignation

Nah that’s not the whole story though is it? If she then said, I want to become a full time gambler, and I want to not work ever again, my husbands parents just died and I want to live on their money I suspect the responses would be VERY different lol