Hubby’s bombshell regarding work

[Lou898]

Bit of background.
Married with 2 sons 16 and 20 both living at home, eldest just finished University.
I’ve always worked and even when I was unhappy in my job, got another before leaving existing one. Hubby worked in business travel industry for many years but in the last 10 years has moved jobs Within travel several times, sometimes due to takeovers, redundancies etc.
About 4 years ago the firm he was working for had issues and I knew he was unhappy but he came home one day and said he’d told them to stuff it. Panic set in a bit as he’d no plans on what to do and we can’t live on just my wage. Subsequently it caused a lot of stress and bad feeling as it took ages for him to secure another job (Partly him not actively looking and suggesting he could professionally gamble but that’s another story ) and we ended up using nearly all our savings. He did some consultancy work for a few months which he got well paid for and then got headhunted for a new travel venture. This was well paid but eventually went under and again out of work. Again took a lot of nagging and stress and upset on my part as we’d just started to get back on track. He decided he wanted out of the travel business and I too thought this was probably the right decision as it’s slowly dying, but it’s what he’d done all his working life. Anyway fast forward and he secured a job In a totally different sector albeit on much lower pay and unsocial hours but something he thought he’d enjoy, so I was happy for him to take a less stressful job if he enjoyed it. The hours aren’t great 6pm to 3am/4am and then until covid a 45 min drive away, but he was ok with doing it when he started.
Covid has since had him working successfully from home which he’s found much better not having the drive home in early hours.
Tonight he’s come down and said firm are looking at getting them back to office in July. He’s said there’s no way I’m doing that. So I said what are you going to do and he said Jack it in if they insist.
I said are you going to start looking for something else then? At first he said yes but then he said I’ve got some money I might just give you that. I said and how long do you think that’ll last? He answered how long do you expect me to work for until I’m 67? He’s 60. I said no but for a few more years, unless you find out when you can draw your pension and if we can manage on it.
He walked out of the room and has barely spoken to me since.
I feel stressed about this all happening again. I have lost my dad and mum in the last 15 months mum in Dec and am still struggling with that.
My mum left a house which isn’t sorted out yet due to covid but I’m mad if he thinks that the house will be a safety net for him not to work.

AIBU

I suspect gambling might be still on your H's radar

That is the aspect which struck me as well.

He elected to change industry and take a cut in pay, he elected to take the evening shift job to do this. Ok he doesn't like it but he needs to find another job before quitting, just like any other person has to up until his pensions cut in.

Its not reasonable for one half of a couple to unilaterally down tools and demand the other funds their early retirement.

I just wanted to say that if your husband is doing matched betting, which lots of people mistakenly think is gambling, it is possible to make a risk free income from it that will support him in his old age. I know lots and lots of people who are doing this. I would find out a bit more about that to see if it is an option rather than working the unsociable hours he is doing. If it is regular gambling then definitely not a good plan but matched betting is very different.

I don't think matched betting is the best way to go for someone who has historically had gambling issues.

Gambling is not an ok plan when someone else's inheritance is what is being gambled. He can gamble his own pension as long as he continues to pay his share of bills.

Gambling can become addictive and can result in families losing everything they have worked for. Depending on the gambler, safer practices can become less attractive over time. A taste for risk can develop. This man has already demonstrated a propensity for flying by the seat of his pants. If he still wants to do gambling I would honestly start talking divorce or you might find yourself working well into your 70s just to keep the wolf from the door, OP.

I am probably going against the gran since I've MN a strange set of whats mine is mine and whats yours (with husbands etc) is mine too, rather than try and use whatever both have to make the life of each other easier.

@Typohere Maybe. That'd be for the person who got the inheritance to decide though- not for the other person to just quit their job and try and mooch off the other's inheritance or wage without any discussion.

I would find out a bit more about that to see if it is an option rather than working the unsociable hours he is doing.

@Mummadeeze Ohmagerrd, don't encourage him!

Suggest he draws up a budget for the next few years.

Could the two of you get by without his income? Would he have to give up all the things he enjoys (pub? take aways? hobby?) to achieve that?

I would be wary of a husband who liked the idea of gambling.
However, there are very definitely double standards when it comes to men and women and retirement.
As a pp said, she and all her friends had retired around about 59, 60. Yet, there is an expectation that men ( unlikely to live as long) go on working until they drop.
I am not saying either is right but I do find attitudes to men and work very unfair when compared to women and work. I am still working part time in my late 60's, ditto my husband. There has always been an expectation from both of us that we contribute equally, both domestically and financially.
By 50, many women have children away at university but they still continue with a little part time job and early retirement even though they know statistically that they will outlive their husbands.
Women moan about the pay gap but a lot of women historically have assumed that they will never work more than part time even when their children have left home. Hopefully, that is changing and there is a move towards more equality with regards to retirement and pension provision.

You are married whats his is yours and whats yours is his. You need to tell him you dont see it this way as he clearly isnt on the same page as you.

Can I ask what the views of people who (I think understandably) balance the argument due to not wanting to do this type of job and commute at his age if he were 35 and had a baby on the way?

I am in a similar situation where DH didn't take a permanent role he'd been working in on a 3 month contract because he feels it is beneath him and he doesn't like the hours and doesn't want to wear a uniform.

I went mental because in his chosen freelance field he hadn't been able to find any work since November and over the last five years has intermittently had 3-4 months in total over a year without a job so struggles to find work in that industry consistently but looks down on anything else.

I have a high paying job that covers all our bills if needed but I also have worked my way up from the bottom so my attitude to work is all jobs are respectable and chosen unemployment when you are capable and have the opportunity to do so is thing to look down on.

Note I am not talking about SAH parents. I am pregnant with my first child and would be happy for him to stay at home to look after our child and cover everything if that is what we agree is best for our family.

My question is AIBU to expect a childless fit 35 year old man not to be fussy about what job he does when the alternative option is no job?

Unless you pass the house to your children theres no way you can divorce ans exclude him from it.

My question is AIBU to expect a childless fit 35 year old man not to be fussy about what job he does when the alternative option is no job

No, you are absolutely not being unreasonable.
I highly doubt any of us started as a CEO lol, we all had to work our way up. For me, that means years of crappy low paid jobs just so I could get experience in my field (i also volunteered for ages as i was so committed so I got paid nothing for that). Now, I am reaping the benefits of that but it was a long and hard journey to get to where I am now.

When you have kids you accept the responsibility of providing for them. That means you dont get to be "fussy" about it. By all means, be fussy when its just you to look after- when the consequences only affect yourself you can be as fussy as you like. But when you commit to life with someone else and then bring kids into the mix, you now have a responsibility to share the financial burden since the consequences of being fussy no longer only affect you- they affect other people too. For me, there is nothing more deeply unattractive than a lazy man who doesent want to work, it makes any sexual attraction I might have shrivel up and die. We have all had the experience of doing jobs we didnt particularly love but had to do them to pay the bills. He isnt any different or special. If he really wants to get out then he needs to work hard so that he can move up and out of that role but he isnt going to do that by jacking it in entirely- that will make it even harder to get a job later on.

@mrsmuddlepies IDK if it's a class thing or what, but most women I know don't have a 'little part time job.' They work full time, and they do it until retirement age because they couldn't afford to do otherwise.

I'm not saying that as a moral judgement on anyone, obviously the earlier someone can retire the better, but I don't see the double standard you mention.

Most women's wage is necessary, it's not 'pin money' for a little extra, so they can't retire early(er.)

Sounds like you both want different things in life and you'll need to cut back, tighten your belts.
Your kids are older now so they can get jobs and start to contribute, and 60 isn't too young to want to stop working, especially ft in a demanding job.
Does he know how you'll manage on one wage, will he get a job in a supermarket, do you not discuss these things, they're quite important.

As others have said, do you have a retirement plan worked out? I am 50 and DH a couple of years older. Both of you need to sit down and crunch numbers.
How much do you need to live when you are retired?
What are the drawdown dates and expected returns from your pensions?
When are your State Pensions payable and do you both have full contributions?
Do you have any other sources of income?

After you have done that you may be able to say in 18 months time we can afford for you to stop and I will finish 12 months later. Having an end date might help him manage.

Two observations
You - be really objective. Financial security is really important to me and if I went with my emotions I would never have enough because I always feel a bit insecure.

Him - if he is a gambler then all the plans in the world won’t save you. Run away now.

@NoMoreDickheads . If your experience of women and jobs is representative that is good news. In my group of female friends (teacher) mid sixties, nobody else was still working full time or even part time at 65 ( apart from me). I wonder how many women on here had mothers that worked full time until 65?
My mother worked, part time, until 70. She was really unusual amongst mums.

I think that rather than insisting that he needs to continue working for many more years there needs to be a compromise. He needs to find out what his pension will be and whether he can live off that or top it up with part time work for example.

I'm not sure what you mean by "professional gambling" but if you mean match betting it's not really gambling in the sense that he's not taking a risk. It's limited money but if he has income from a pension it may be enough. If it's as a professional poker player then that's not necessarily an issue either if he is good at it.Victoria Coren-Mitchell seems to do well out of it.

I understand the outrage at the idea of him banking on your inheritance but bear in mind that if you divorce he will get half of it so you're not going to be able to "ring fence it" as suggested by some posters..

I agree with the poster above. It sounds like he doesn't have a clear plan for retiring, just a desire to stop work.

You both need to work out how much you need to survive and live happily on. And how much he needs to contribute to this.

When he looks at his pension he might realise he needs to work another 3/4/5 years. But psychologically this might be enough.

The gambling would scare me.

But he doesnt need to find something else before he jacks it in

This makes no sense to me at all. I would never leave a job without another to go to unless there were very dire reasons.

YANBU OP, and I think packing a job in right now in the current circumstances is madness. This would really make me question his commitment to your family life to be honest, if he doesn't want to contribute.

God I wouldn't want to do those hours at his age either. Could he start winding down a little and find something closer to home ?

For me, there is nothing more deeply unattractive than a lazy man who doesent want to work, it makes any sexual attraction I might have shrivel up and die. We have all had the experience of doing jobs we didnt particularly love but had to do them to pay the bills. He isnt any different or special.

I think this sums up my deepest down true thoughts and it has had an impact on my feelings towards him but I am full of guilt for feeling this way.

My Dad was work shy and I grew up with the toxic household and resentment this creates in a marriage.

Thank you for responding x

It would be crazy to give up a job now, with the economic crash that’s just starting. He should definitely give up gambling, and (if he has access to your money) I would close any joint account except a small one for household expenses.

suggest looking at his pension provisions and working to a target income, after which he can retire if he chooses is excellent advice.

I am going to put a different point of view. I am 60 and retired at 58 and my husband did the same. He is 61 now. However we planned for it for more than 25 years and overpaid into pensions and saved and paid off our mortgage. I would not like to do his hours or his commute so can understand at 60 why he would no longer want to do that. He needs to plan it though and make sure he can cover his half of the expenses. It sounds like he is expecting you to keep him.

As there is 7 years difference in age between you this is a conversation which should really have happened 10 years ago. Have either of you planned as to what will happen in retirement and when you will stop work? State pension age for him is 66 but for you it is probably nearer 67 or 68. Have you worked out your finances and tracked your pension income? Are you planning on taking early retirement too or do you plan to work until state pension age? If you do that he will be 75 and most of us would not want to work until then.

I would make it clear that the house left to you by your mum is not to be seen as his pension pot. Have you decided what to do about that? Is he handy DIY wise so he could do it up if it needs work and you maybe rent it out to subsidise your salary and you go part time? You both need a conversation about how you see your future as believe me having seen many of our friends our age in their 50s and 60s suffering health issues and even dying you should not be working in a job you hate if there is an alternative.

The only caveat to that is if he is lazy and the difference between him and my husband is mine worked for 42 years from the age of 16 to 58 without any breaks so I was quite happy for him to retire then 2 years before me. This sounds like this is the issue is that he has not held a steady work record and maybe has not saved and is expecting you to cover the bills with your salary and your inheritance. I think you have a point then but making a plan going forward is critical. Who deals with the finances? Is your mortgage paid off?

OP can you get some financial advice and see what you can afford and if you both need to be at work full time? Not all people can work till retirement age and in all honesty it is so sad people have to as they can't afford to retire early, but it's worth examining the options available to you. I would also suggest couples counselling to address the issues around work he has been having and get to the bottom of why he us so unhappy. If you can afford to retire or part retire using savings and the inheritance, I would say consider it. Life can be very small and you never know how you may be health wise later on, so enjoy the time together whilst you are well. Of course, no one knows more about this than you and all we can do is offer some suggestions. It can be easy getting upset with our partners, but from experience try to communicate and see if you can work out a compromise tends to work well.

My Mum divorced my stepfather when he started getting into debt after her Dad died . . . he knew she would inherit quite a bit of money and she felt he just decided she could pick up the slack (she had helped with his debts when they first met). For her it was the last straw.

You could both live to 90, he needs to keep earning for as long as he can if you don’t have a big amount of savings/huge pensions.