"Why have kids if you can't afford them?"

[DianneWhatcock]

Aibu to never forgive this once being said to me ?

My "best friend" since I was a teenager said it to me five years ago and I have never been able to fully move on from it. Because it's given me the unshakeable impression she looks down on me

At the time I was working pt with 3 under 8 inc a baby. Dh working full time in a fairly decent job (more than min wage) plus he had a second job (1/2 evenings a week plus was studying). We were renting and saving to buy. We used to get a small amount of tax credits but we relied on that to make ends meet. we ended up having our tax credits more or less stopped due to an overpayment that would last about a year. I was worried sick at the time as this genuinely really fucked us financially. I told her about it and how worried I was and her response was basically "well why have kids if you can't afford them?" (I should also add she hasn't got kids and lives rent free with her parents - they have a big house)

Nowadays we haven't claimed a penny for years. We own our house (mortgaged) , dh is a high earner I'm working more and we don't even qualify for the very basic child benefit.

However H is furloughed and I guess it's back on my mind. Cos if he ends up redundant we may face having to claim some form of benefits again even temporarily. But the thought terrifies me - I thought I was past that part of my life where I struggled and counted every penny. And I can't stand the thought of being a person that gets judged again (even though I would NEVER judge others that way I am not that kind of person)

I will never ever forget this comment and how shit it made me feel. she never really apologised and I don't know whether to just end the friendship Cos it has just tainted it for ever i think

I know this is a really rambly post so well done anyone who got this far

I think it’s really rude

It‘s a shitty state of affairs that employers aren’t obliged to pay a living wage so that anyone can afford a decent standard of living and the ability to support a family (obviously a bit of a difference between having 2 kids and 8 though!).

You chose to have 3 kids without being financially secure. The tax credits you claimed don’t fall from the sky! We had 1 child when we could afford her and waited for 8 years to afford our twins. We worked hard at our jobs and paid taxes. Do you now know where your tax credits came from?? (wow, you saved them up to buy a house! You weren’t exactly struggling to meet ends - were you? )

And yeah, sorry for being so blunt and not sugarcoating stuff.

@tentative3 has a good point. There is a big difference between finicial disaster and deliberately putting yourself in a negative situation knowing that you cannot afford it. This is the problem here some people are only willing to see things from their own point of view and get upset when you don’t agree with them. I think generally people should live within their means.

It's frustrating when I see people with 5/6 kids and one very low earner ( I see it a lot in my job). I just end up thinking why would you have another child when you are already struggling? However I can understand how unplanned pregnancies happen and definitely how circumstances can change. I think it's ridiculous of your friend to say that when you were previously mainly supporting yourselves.

@Flower34

You chose to have 3 kids without being financially secure. The tax credits you claimed don’t fall from the sky! We had 1 child when we could afford her and waited for 8 years to afford our twins. We worked hard at our jobs and paid taxes. Do you now know where your tax credits came from?? (wow, you saved them up to buy a house! You weren’t exactly struggling to meet ends - were you? )

And yeah, sorry for being so blunt and not sugarcoating stuff.

And OP and her DH now pay that forwards in their taxes. That is literally the point of having a system like tax credits.

So, you’ve also been going on nice holidays and upgraded your home without putting away money for a rainy day!??

Why exactly do you think the taxpayer should pay now? I mean, how do you justify? Does it sound fair to you?

Ive had this said to me too.. i said i could aford 50% of the costs, didnt know id end up 100% responsible.

Only an arsehole says something this shit

Your friend was probably being naive when she said it.

Let it go.

Maybe everyone on this thread should consider whether they as an individual could afford children when they had them. Separation and divorce is hardly uncommon. 🙄

Sorry, should say 'everyone on this thread who fed similarly to your friend.'

@Fralla

Bloody damn well good for you for getting where you are !! I applaud you not that you need anyone's approval or a pat on the head

Your friend sounds an absolute twat!! I feel similar about mine like she maybe still sees me in that way and thinks I'm common.
and no matter how successful I get it will never change in her eyes that I'm "common" and used to live on a council estate and be on benefits

Feels* !!

@Flower34, you do realise that the OP is ALSO paying taxes, do you? You are not solely carrying the burden of the OP's children on YOUR tax money, you know!

OP, there’s a lot of Tory’s on here who have lived a relatively cushy life and have absolutely no idea about the deprivations that others go through, through no fault of their own. Anyone who spouts such nonsense should be made to volunteer in a food bank, on a mental health helpline etc. to appreciate their Incredibly good fortune.

The idea that only the financially secure should have children is pretty appalling anyway, but not that far removed from Nazi thinking - that only certain pure bred types should procreate.

Flower34, you do realise that the OP is ALSO paying taxes, do you? You are not solely carrying the burden of the OP's children on YOUR tax money, you know!

lol @ThumbWitchesAbroad

So true !! I honestly think some people believe their taxes alone are funding the "feckless" while also missing the point that many many people "on benefits" ACTUALLY WORK FULL TIME and often on more than min wage

🤦‍♀️

Flower34, you do realise that the OP is ALSO paying taxes, do you? You are not solely carrying the burden of the OP's children on YOUR tax money, you know!

lol @ThumbWitchesAbroad

So true !! I honestly think some people believe their taxes alone are funding the "feckless" while also missing the point that many many people "on benefits" ACTUALLY WORK FULL TIME and often on more than min wage

🤦‍♀️

Whoops sorry for double post there

A good friend keeps things real. If I had a friend with 3 kids under 8 who relied on benefits but was planning to have more I would be blunt too.

We worked out we genuinely couldn't afford a 3rd child so we didn't try. However, if things change we may not be able to afford the two we already have either! Who knows what's around the corner? We're all only a few steps away from needing help. Circumstances change quickly sometimes. Surely C19 has taught us all that ?

Try to foeget what she said. It wasn't nice and reflects on her more than you OP.

I agree with the sentiment that any of us could find ourselves suddenly in a different position and mean we need to claim benefits to live - eg divorce/death of spouse/loss of job (sadly probably going to be more common in the months coming)...

Yes some people with larger families do receive a lot in benefits when all added together including rent etc but so much generalising goes on. Indeed, many families that work need help in the form of child benefit, tax credits etc etc so don;t feel shame if you need help in the future.

Best wishes and hope it works out for you x

Why are you wondering about ending the friendship now after 5 years have passed?
How has the friendship been during the last 5 years?
Or is this just a stealth boast?

Technically she was right. You couldn't afford 3 kids at the time. However I'm not sure I believe your since correction that you were simultaneously saving.

I hate this statement and I think a lot of people don’t realise how close they are to being in this bracket.

Take me as an example.

Always worked full time (over 20 years when I had first child), £40k pa salary., £20k in savings ard no debt. DH and I were saving for a house deposit.

I was made redundant at the same time I found out I was pregnant with second child. Unbeknown to me I was a few months away from discovering DH had lost his job and hadn’t been going to work for months. He’d been leaving home and coming back at the same time but sitting in his friends house. The savings I thought he had was another lie, he had amassed considerable debt and soon I would find myself without any savings, £30k worth of debt and moving in to a housing association house.

If anyone had told me this is where I would find myself with two pre-school children after years of working hard I would have said ‘No way”.

I wouldn’t say that but I would think it. Childfree by choice and I cannot see why people chose to make their lives more miserable and difficult by having a lot of children if they cannot afford them and/or have an unreliable partner like many who post on here.