"Why have kids if you can't afford them?"

[DianneWhatcock]

Aibu to never forgive this once being said to me ?

My "best friend" since I was a teenager said it to me five years ago and I have never been able to fully move on from it. Because it's given me the unshakeable impression she looks down on me

At the time I was working pt with 3 under 8 inc a baby. Dh working full time in a fairly decent job (more than min wage) plus he had a second job (1/2 evenings a week plus was studying). We were renting and saving to buy. We used to get a small amount of tax credits but we relied on that to make ends meet. we ended up having our tax credits more or less stopped due to an overpayment that would last about a year. I was worried sick at the time as this genuinely really fucked us financially. I told her about it and how worried I was and her response was basically "well why have kids if you can't afford them?" (I should also add she hasn't got kids and lives rent free with her parents - they have a big house)

Nowadays we haven't claimed a penny for years. We own our house (mortgaged) , dh is a high earner I'm working more and we don't even qualify for the very basic child benefit.

However H is furloughed and I guess it's back on my mind. Cos if he ends up redundant we may face having to claim some form of benefits again even temporarily. But the thought terrifies me - I thought I was past that part of my life where I struggled and counted every penny. And I can't stand the thought of being a person that gets judged again (even though I would NEVER judge others that way I am not that kind of person)

I will never ever forget this comment and how shit it made me feel. she never really apologised and I don't know whether to just end the friendship Cos it has just tainted it for ever i think

I know this is a really rambly post so well done anyone who got this far

People who think tax credits were a “benefit” should watch this advert from hmrc

So you now have a joint income of £70k and worried about having to claims benefits if your dh lost his job. Honwslry if you haven't managed to save emergency funding with that amount of money coming in I would be and wonder how the hell you haven't.

You really shouldn't need to have to claim benefits

But no one owns a crystal ball
When you have kids with someone how can you know how life will turn out ?
Jobs change the economy moves People split up It’s called life

We would all make different decisions if we could see the future

It’s very telling that you aren’t engaging with any of the posters who disagree with you, or are asking why you planned a third when you were struggling with two.

^ This. But of course OP won’t reply to that, because the only answer is that they just didn’t care that they couldn’t support a third child on their own. They wanted another and selfishly had one despite not being able to financially take care of it themselves at the time.

I wouldn't say it to someone but I do wonder why people go on to have many children when they're not financially stable. Of course circumstances change, accidents happen, breakups happen, pandemics take place, but then doesn't negate that hundreds of thousands of families go on to have children they couldn't support without state intervention via tax credits, UC. I think children are a luxury, not a right that everyone is entitled to have.

But, who cares what I think / your friend thinks / anyone thinks?

[quote DianneWhatcock]@makingmammaries

Honestly I've never been feckless I've worked since 16 as has dh. we would never ever claim benefits as a choice it was purely Cos despite (at the time) having almost 3 jobs between us we couldn't afford to live without a little help
Our house at the time was modest as well we didn't even claim housing benefit and 2 of the dc shared a room [/quote]
But arguably you couldn't afford your 3 children at that time on the income level you had, regardless of how hard working you were.

I don't think the statement is offensive per se. More matter of fact. Having children knowing you're reliant on benefits to make ends meet isn't morally what should be happening.

Your so called friend is a cunt and you sound a thoroughly decent woman. There's nothing wrong with seeking help that you're entitled to, just cos she's a spoiled bitch who doesn't seem to have had to graft for anything, she wouldn't understand hair swish

@MehMehMeow you can't choose not to work until your youngest child is 13, it doesn't work like that. When your youngest starts full time education you are required to go on Jobseekers and look for work. Your fictional "friend" obviously doesn't know how the benefits system works.

To any concerned about whether we've saved money since we started earning more - we have saved a fair amount altho some went on house improvements before all this

However unfortunately That won't last forever particularly as we've had to use some of it during dh furlough. his income dropped to less than half due to the cap. plus I had to stop work for a bit too. Although I am back now which is positive

We are being very careful with money but you just never know. If he loses his job it may take time to get a new one in this climate esp as he's in construction. So eventually our savings will run out in which case may need benefits however as I say hopefully it won't come to that 🤞🏻

What an odd thread. I dont think this is about your friend at all. You just want to brag about how amazing your life is. Boring.

I would have thought the same as your friend (I have also never voted Tory in my life) though I would have kept my thoughts to myself.

Interesting that you dont answer the repeated question about why you had a 3rd when you were already relying on benefits... But then again it isn't really what this thread is about, is it?!

For all the judging harridans on this thread, here is the average cost to bring up 1 child in the UK today. So unless you had that saved for each child before conceiving, I really think you need to keep schtum.

The most recent Cost of a Child report from Child Poverty Action Group reveals that the basic cost of raising a child until the age of 18 (including rent and childcare) is £74,333 for a couple and £102,620 for a lone-parent family. And if you throw childcare into the mix then these costs rise to £155,582 and £187,036.

The reason working people NEED to claim benefits is the Governments failure to make the living wage law.

I would never say anything either, but would probably think it

Me too. Can’t get my head around why you had a third child. Seems highly irresponsible to me.

Also, that you’re scared if your husband was made redundant you would need to go on benefits? You should be planning for this and have a safety net for if this did happen. That would be the sensible thing to do and financially responsible.

For all the judging harridans on this thread, here is the average cost to bring up 1 child in the UK today. So unless you had that saved for each child before conceiving, I really think you need to keep schtum I did save before my child, to cover maternity and ensure a safety net when I returned to work at 8 months to pay for childcare. 1 child on benefits I understand, maybe even 2- 3? No

What an odd thread. I dont think this is about your friend at all. You just want to brag about how amazing your life is. Boring

Lol No

My life is not amazing whatsoever unfortunately for me. I have nothing to brag about seeing as I'm waiting to see if dh gets made redundant and we could lose pretty much everything. and also my business which I've worked so hard on over the years has taken a massive hit

For all the judging harridans on this thread, here is the average cost to bring up 1 child in the UK today. So unless you had that saved for each child before conceiving, I really think you need to keep schtum.

Not really, most people have expressed surprise at knowingly bringing further children into the world when your financial situation is already precarious; they acknowledge that with the best will in the world life can change in an instant and people who have had the rug pulled out from under them should be helped by benefits. I don't think anyone has said that you should be able to pay up front before having them and you're irresponsible if you can't.

Not nice but I’m afraid I agree with it, it’s common sense and I had a similar situation but my friend had 3 kids to 3 men and on full benefits and HB and shacked up with some waster, got pregnant and decided to keep it because she is a catholic and ‘just couldn’t abort’ yet would rather live a life of struggle and having zero time to herself.

Anyway she got pregnant and told me and I didn’t congratulate her, she was upset and asked me why I didn’t congratulate her and I said “it’s nothing to be happy about, you can’t afford the ones you have because tax payers pay for you and yours, and your bringing another one into it, get on some contraception”, we haven’t spoken since, too many people enable women to keep popping out lots of kids and expecting tax payers to pay.

I’m not taking of top up benefits either, I’m talking “full I can’t be arssed working benefits so I’ll just keep having kids” benefits

@Namechange2020onceagain

The reason working people NEED to claim benefits is the Governments failure to make the living wage law.

Well said !!! 🙌🏻

@FilthyforFirth I totally agree.

@Namechange2020onceagain

For all the judging harridans on this thread, here is the average cost to bring up 1 child in the UK today. So unless you had that saved for each child before conceiving, I really think you need to keep schtum.

The most recent Cost of a Child report from Child Poverty Action Group reveals that the basic cost of raising a child until the age of 18 (including rent and childcare) is £74,333 for a couple and £102,620 for a lone-parent family. And if you throw childcare into the mix then these costs rise to £155,582 and £187,036.

The reason working people NEED to claim benefits is the Governments failure to make the living wage law.

This is pretty hyperbolic - it's really more about the balance of probabilities rather than having saved all kid-related expenses in advance, obviously.

For example, having three kids is far riskier than having two; having kids with someone you've known for two years is much riskier than having known them for six; staying home for ten years is much riskier than staying home for three, and so on.

But I agree that wages are criminally low in the UK.

@Poppyfields21

Also, that you’re scared if your husband was made redundant you would need to go on benefits? You should be planning for this and have a safety net for if this did happen. That would be the sensible thing to do and financially responsible

I have covered this up thread

However if you missed it we do have savings however they won't last forever, esp as we are already coping with a dramatic income drop. though obviously we'd draw on them before benefits which would be the absolute last option

Is @Solomummy* actually Katie Hopkins ? She sounds horrible enough . . . . .

The real question is can society afford for you NOT to have your children. Your children who will generate the wealth and taxes that will pay for OUR health care, our roads our society whilst we enjoy our retirement. So there is absolutely no issue with the state supporting you to raise your children when you need that support. Parents invest all their money, emotional energy, and put on hold their ambitions to do the essential role of bringing up the next generation. Good job someone does it

@DianneWhatcock

I’ve lost all respect for your after your attack on solomummy.

You’ve repeatedly refused to answer why you chose to have a third child and seem hellbent on reiterating how well you’ve done. If you want to brag, just brag, don’t try to drag your poor friend in to it.

I agree but i would not say it to my friend.

You weren't only just making ends meet if able to save for a deposit though.