To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

@category12

Yes, when lockdown is over, widen your circle of friends and share these experiences with them.

Yes do this. You need to actively seek out people who share your interests, such as joining a wine or dining club. You need to accept that he doesn’t share any of your interests and there’s no point in him going along with it for your sake, that’s no fun for either of you.

Please check that some of your savings are in your own name and not all joint. Or worse still, his name only. And that it actually IS going into your pension.

I know that saving is boring but you have a child and a good income so it’s important. I think you know this if you are clever enough to earn what you do. Your attitude is probably a reaction to your husbands behaviour.

Do you think your marriage is going to last in the long term ? You don’t sound very compatible TBH.

Sorry to be so blunt but you need to consider this, especially if you are ever thinking of having another child. Also it affects your finances and might need to inform your financial planning .

Reminds me somewhat of my ex - even now I know he schleps all over town to save 20p in one shop etc. He travels for miles to get unwanted food on the olio app. It’s draining and you feel constantly judged.

We have never really shared any specific interests, more just done our own thing and but clicked as a couple. I had always seen our opposite-ness as a positive but perhaps not anymore. I suppose I don’t really see wine and food as interests but a normal part of life to be enjoyed. He doesn’t, so that’s the issue.

If you're in Scotland @Finerthingsplease I'll happily eat nice food and drink lots of wine with you.

I will ask about savings. My understanding is that ISAs have to be in individual names but there is the same amount in each one.

Ha, very sadly I am not in Scotland but thank you!

@Finerthingsplease

Carole - I’m not sure. He regards his job as more ‘worthwhile’ than mine and he has only ever wanted to do that. But I agree, he does like taking charge over the finances and that being his thing. I freely admit he is ten times better than me at it.

The crux of this issue is that it is hard to enjoy something when you know the person you are with is not or is just going along with it to please you. It’s very difficult to articulate the feeling

I think this is it, the lack of a shared experience.

I have always said that if my Mum could have eaten a futuristic "nutrition cube" every day rather than eat meals she would have. She found no real enjoyment in food, she would say something was nice but wouldn't be ever over the top in her response. My Dad cooked everything.

We were out for a meal as a family and Ds1 took his first bite and looked right at me and said oh my God this is amazing. He took time, savouring the flavours in his mouth. He is only 17 but said I couldn't be with someone who doesn't get food. It doesn't have to be Michelin star stuff just good quality tasting food.

It is like when you read a book and you can talk to someone about it, or see a film and comment to someone. It isn't about the money it is about someone important not enjoying the things you enjoy too, or even someone loving it because you love it.

Its alll very well saying the op should drink the wine on her own anyway but that isn't as fun as drinking with your husband. He sounds miserly. Is there anything you do like doing together?

It sounds like a miserable way to live. I couldn't be with someone so tight and dissimilar to me

^This.

I'm disabled and on benefits and watch every penny. But I still treat myself to a bunch of flowers sometimes (not the cheap £5 ones either, they tend not to last and don't give the same pleasure).

I think its more about enjoying life really, or at least trying to, that is the issue. I love toddler food (fish fingers and cauliflower cheese anyone . But I also like something a little bit more adventurous and try and cook it at home. It would do my head in if someone was judging me for that, for goodness sake you're not out there buying diamonds in the snow.

Couldn't be doing with someone judging my little treats to myself. Which makes me wonder, does he treat you by the way, OP? Do you have to be "very" appreciative of same ...

Anyway, he really does sound a bit joyless and judgy tbh. Is he?

Have you tried really having a conversation with him about it...not about him not wanting to spend the same way that you do, but how you feel your own approach to spending has been tainted by his attitudes?

As in 'I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but I feel guilty around spending because of your approach to things, and I really don't want to feel that way - it's stopping me from enjoying my life as much as I can.'

Ask him what he's hoping for by saving money with no specific plan in the future to spend it. As they say, there are no pockets in a shroud - you can't take it with you, and none of us knows when our short lives will come to an end. Ask him, if he knew he was going to die in 10 years time, what he would have liked to have done with money in that time. If he says 'but I could like for another 40 years' just say 'yes, but you could also only live for another 3 years'. Saving to a degree is healthy and you do have to anticipate possible long retirements, however he needs to find a way where he is not conveying disapproval of spending habits to you - I would ask him if he can find a way to do that.

If it's a question you will feel that way anyway, just by virtue of him not enjoying spending money on things he won't take pleasure from, then you have a fairly straightforward incompatibility. Then you have to work out if that is a dealbreaker or not. If everything else was good I don't see that would be a dealbreaker for me, I would just guiltlessly spend the money and find others to enjoy the spending with me.

Tellmewhy- no, he doesn’t ‘Treat’ me. My bday and Christmas presents are chosen by me. I never receive gifts in between really.

I should say that he doesn’t like gifts....as he never wants anything....so I don’t treat him either

I would say he is joyless and judgy, yes. It’s difficult to argue the point with him though. E.g. on the wine, I will get ‘you don’t have to drink to have fun’. On gifts - ‘surely it doesn’t matter if we’re all together’ etc.

Time to rejig the finances. Allow yourself to keep more of what you earn, then you can spend it without guilt.

My DH is not mean at all but he doesn’t appreciate “the finer things” either because he had a very poor childhood. He doesn’t see the difference in quality that I do, and he will sometimes question my choices. But, here’s the important thing, he doesn’t control them.

Maybe you need to swap jobs. I don't say this because either of you is wrong, but because you are both going to extremes. You don't look at the finances and so want to be wild with the money and he is spending too much time looking at the finances and is going overboard with frugality.

That might help you both to balance your different natures

Different things bring joy to people

My first husband seemed like a good idea because at the time we are at an age where we both enjoyed the gym, dressing in designer labels, travel etc.
Then I had my kids and realised actually I had to think of them and we couldn't afford to live the lifestyle we had been.
OH couldn't accept it and shagged his boss. So I fed him to my tigers divorced him.
My now husband is the best. We genuinely have similar interests and the same life goals and we look forward to doing things together. We also have a good balance of doing our own things and interests too.

OP, can you imagine getting to retirement age with this man?

I really don’t think I am ‘wild’ though. I don’t want to buy huge amounts of stuff, I just want to enjoy some nice things every now and again with my husband. I’m not actually ask for him to spend much more money than we do; the issue is the attitude and how I feel if I do something which I enjoy or try to get him to participate in it.....

I feel like finances have become the issue on the thread when really the issue is his attitude towards pleasure...

you don’t have to drink to have fun

He sounds a barrel of laughs himself!

surely it doesn’t matter if we’re all together

So eg at Christmas, gifts don't matter as long as you're all together - but you are all together all year, aren't you?

Good points above. I wouldn't spilt up but I would start leading more separate lives.
Establish your own social life away from him. Go on holidays with new friends too. You don't have to live in each others pockets and a lot of couples don't, as they get older.

This sounds a lot like my DH. 'Joyless' is a phrase I would describe him. No fun, no frills. Nothing uneccessary.

He's wearing his work clothes this weekend like he normally does when he's not at work.

Initially it was so he didn't wear out his own clothes. But now it because he no longer has a pair of casual trousers of his own.

We do have to be a bit careful with money.

But wtf.

I don't think yabu but then neither is your dh - apart from making you feel shit about it.
I'm slightly like your dh, not as bad but don't like to waste money willynilly. That's not to say I don't enjoy spending because I do :)
My dh on the other hand just isn't arsed how much things cost and will buy the first thing he see's regardless of cost and without looking around for comparison. He sometimes needs reigning in a bit but only sometimes. E.g I needed a new cafetiere and he said he'd pick one up. I asked him to nip to wilko's he went to John Lewis and paid 30 pissing quid more just because it was convenient.

Tell him how it makes you feel. You've every right to buy what makes you happy independent of him, if he doesn't wish to participate (like the wine) then that's his choice but he needs to stop making you feel guilty about it. The flowers thing actually made me feel sad for you.
It's really tiring and so unattractive in anyone never mind a partner.

God, he sounds so joyless. Picture yourself 20 years in the future when your baby has grown up and flown the nest. Perhaps you'll be retired or at least working less, wanting to travel and enjoy the fruits of your hard work. What will it be like to share your life with this man then?

I agree that finances aren't the issue. He sounds completely joyless.

It’s difficult to argue the point with him though. E.g. on the wine, I will get ‘you don’t have to drink to have fun’. On gifts - ‘surely it doesn’t matter if we’re all together’ etc.

And my response to that would be:

Why is it so important to you that we both do, and enjoy exactly the same things? Why do you always feel the need to make a negative comment about the things that I like? It's really sad and quite demoralising, and being honest, it makes me not want to tell you about these things because of how you react.

It sounds like he needs a good, sharp shock. And the best way to do this will be to have a serious sit down conversation, where you point out that the future long-term success of your marriage is going to depend on mutual enjoyment. That means respecting each other's differences and being supportive nonetheless. Make it clear that you don't pressure him to spend money, or judge him for being super-focused on saving every penny - so if he cares for you, then why can't he extend you the same courtesy?

Well, on further detail given, he sounds a bit of a bore really. So he does nag about it. And honestly him not feeling the need to treat you/spoil you when you guys have the means...a bit worissome. My husband is a bit crap with getting me pressies without specifications, but he still gives a shot once in a while bless his heart, because he think ls i deserved to be surprised and not always demand exctly what I want. And sometimes he nails it, though mostly not 😁 but I still apprectiate the effort. Long post, but was trying to explain that he still should try and treat/surprise you here and there.