To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

Why can't you enjoy this kind of life with friends?

The biggest issue here is you having little knowledge of your financials. My aunt was like this and then her husband died and it caused a terrible mess. There was also considerably less in savings than there should have been and to this day, she doesn't know where the money went. It also leaves you quite vulnerable. You are earning a huge amount of money but could you easily access savings if you needed them?

I understand this. I am not a big earner but was in a relationship with someone like your husband. Yes, I could buy myself flowers for £5 but he would pull a face every time he looked at it. If I came home with shopping bags, he would arch an eyebrow. If I wanted to go to a restaurant she would insist on going to one with a deal on. I remember a huge row one birthday where he kept insisting on going to an Italian restaurant because it was cheap, even though I don't like most Italian food. I wanted to go to a Mexican one, which was my favourite but he argued for so long that it was too late to go out. Then I wanted to get a takeaway, which he refused as we had food in the freezer.

I get different approaches, but criticism doesn't always have to be vocalised to sting. In addition, I don't want to do all the things I like with friends. I would also like to spend time with my partner.

“Jokey” comments would wear me down too tbh.

I have one of those. Always orders the cheapest thing on the menu instead of what he'd actually like and then is jealous of my choice, thinks £5 is the limit when buying clothes, won't go on any paid excursions, museums etc when on holiday. It's very draining to feel like you're being extravagant for the smallest things, nearly always paid for with my own money. I now book and pay for all our holidays, and just tell him a made up sum (I earn more than he does) which he pays me back. He'll also usually buy me something nice on holiday with a flourish, though quite often it's using my own money as I'll be the one who's organised buying currency and he doesn't use his bank card abroad... apart from the holidays, I just try and treat myself once in a while to going somewhere nice either with a friend or on my own where I don't feel like someone is totting up the bill before we've even ordered.

He says all he needs is me and baby.

Does he have friends that he sees? Hobbies? Does he do stuff independently of you?

The problem for me would be that friends don’t have the same disposable income as I do. We go to cheaper restaurants with them but we wouldn’t dream of suggesting a high end restaurant to them. It’s very difficult to find friends who feel the same as you. One hopes your husband does! That’s the partnership you have actually sought.

I might find something as a hobby I could do on my own. My way round it would be to collect antique jewellery. Make a collection for you. I do that because I love it. Then you have something beautiful and lasting.

I would be heartbroken in this situation. It doesn't matter what the food is like, or the wine, or the flowers. It's that you have very different views to each other (increasingly so) of what brings you joy. So unless you can compartmentalise that, and are happy to get those kicks elsewhere or alone, it must leave you wondering what you do have in common and you probably feel quite lonely. I get you OP!

He is controlling op. There’s no nice way of saying this. Not wanting you to have pleasure is controlling. He has all he wants and he doesn’t want you to have more. No wonder your mum is worried. It’s not normal. It’s certainly not acceptable behaviour.

Why should his interests and preferences trump yours though? Why do you choose to view his way as intrinsically better? If you were truly committed to your own way, if you believed it was entirely justifiable and the right way to live, you wouldn't do this. It sounds as though, on some level, you agree that his way is better and that you are a spendthrift. Why?

Is it just that you've never really thought through your own approach; defined what is important, what you're saving for, how big your pension should be, considered care home costs, what you want out of life, how much help you expect to give your child as a young adult, whether you want to enjoy what you have or leave a large estate etc?

You sound as though you're blindly copying what your family has done before you, without ever 'fact-checking' that approach, or considering and dismissing others.

I bet you'd arrive at a similar conclusion if you did, because so much of this is about values and preferences, but you'd know your decisions were built on solid ground.

I think you'd gain a lot from going through that process, in terms of your wants and your finances. See an IFA and talk things through, so you know what your options are. Maybe see a counsellor if that would help you talk through your feelings about it all.

OP,
Being sensible with money is not a bad thing at all.

But like a lot of things there is a middle ground.

My husband is a very high earner and wouldn't spend a penny on himself.
It's just the way he is.
He moved into my house years ago with a sports bag.
He's not a stuff person.

Financially he is extremely savy and we too would easily save 35% of our income.

However, it would never occur to him to remark on my buying nice wine, or the house full of flowers, because I love them or any food expenditure.
That really is mean.

Now if I spent 500 quid on a kitchen bin as someone belong to me did🙄, I don't think he would be impressed but if I did, I just wouldn't mention it and he wouldn't know the difference anyway, because he doesn't tract my spending.

Him tracting your spending is creepy and would really fxxking annoy me.

But each to her own.

Bottom line is, he is who he is....the question is if you wish for your life to be one where the entire focus appears to be the accumulation of money?

An utterly miserable way to live to my mind.

I don't think either of you deserves a character bashing. Have you ever read about Gottman's perpetual problems? The incompatible things that will never change in every relationship...You have to decide if they are too bad to make a happy life and how you could live with them if not.

DH is much more interested in food than I am. So many meals I've been out to over the years where I'd much rather have eaten at home and saved the expense, esp when friends we do this with order stuff like £75 sharing seafood platters to start between 2, wagyu mains etc
He just goes with his friends now as although I've always enjoyed the company, it's not my bag at all

You need to have a conversation about what you both enjoy and how you will work together to find things that you mutually enjoy. And don't accept the snarky comments, they're eroding you.

I had a friend once (plenty of money, a GP, lots of savings that I knew about) who wouldn't go out for a coffee because we could have one cheaper at home; who wouldn't go out for a pizza because we could get one from the supermarket; who as young adults would rather have McDonalds because it was 'food' than enjoy an evening in a cheap-ish restaurant enjoying time and food together. And made a big deal out of these things. Who also ate 'toddler' food and couldn't see why I would want to eat anything different because I could eat what she liked but not the other way round. It sucked the life out of me.

The 'all he needs is you and the baby' line is rather manipulative and almost certainly not true. I bet he'd be at a loss with the huge part of his identity that comes from his job, for example.

It's like 'I only work to support you', which is oft said but almost never true. People work for pride, social status and identity, as well as money.

I think that £5 flowers from the supermarket are largely a waste of money - because if I were buying the things, I'd be going to a florist and spending a fuckton more than that on ones that last longer, I can choose individual sprays of, exclude shit that's poisonous to cats and I get to spend time in a florist and put some money in the pocket of an independent trader. Or, as we actually do, growing a load in the garden and cutting some specifically to have in the house.

I would (if I ever had any money) set up a separate account, instant access, that was just for me and run by me - that way there's no danger of bloody pie charts heading my way to put a dampener on payday. I'd also be transferring more out than 4% if I earned 66% of the money in the house and making damn sure that all those savings, pensions and investments aren't all in his name.

DP tends towards the 'we don't need' or 'I'm happy with' narrative. Fine when it's just him that has a packet of Haribo and some Pringles for lunch, but I am having what I like, which could easily be something a bit wanky. Same way when I do the shopping, there's more than yellow stickers and Basics labels in the trolley and when we're buying something for the house, I don't pick the cheapest thing on a Sort Low - High list because 'they're all the same anyhow'.

I feel sad that somebody can willingly deprive themselves of the tactile/sensual aspects of life in favour of seeing numbers - I like working with numbers, I like putting them in, seeing them tally up and produce attractive charts and graphs, but that's a continuation of liking physical things that are aesthetically pleasing.

Different things please different people - I wouldn't hold back on my enjoyment because somebody else isn't keen, but if they're happy with scratchy sheets and holes in their socks, as long as it doesn't stop me from having nice linen and squishy soft, warm ones, that's fine by me.

Also and obviously, there's frugal and there's frugal. There's being careful with money so that you accumulate it for the things you want and care about. Then there's frugality as habit, hobby and identity, which loses any connection with its purpose and becomes an end in itself. It sounds like he's developed the latter habit as an identity.

Sounds like my inlaws. They are not particularly hard up but want the cheapest in everything. A "gorgeous meal out" means the local Hungry Horse for microwaved burgers. DH and I love eating out and he made the mistake of telling them we went to some swanky restaurant for the tasting menu on a birthday, bill was about £250 for both of us. THat was about 8 years ago and they're still going on about the "time son and sock spent £250 on a meal, you could have 10 meals for that at the pub, what a waste, gorgeous ready meals in Iceland you know" blah blah blah.

The thing I would find draining is constantly being told what you want to do is a waste of time/money/effort.

For instance I also don't much see the point of cut flowers in the house, but if some appear I can either say a brief "nice flowers" on the understanding that the purchaser enjoys them and I don't have to but I can still be nice about it, or I can moan about what a pointless waste of money they are even though the presence and purchase of the flowers have no effect on me

Same with a different meal - I can still eat it and be appreciative even if I'd be perfectly happy with fish fingers. Or I could moan about it being pointless.

One attitude is respecting your differences and making a small accommodation, the other is thoughtless, disrespectful and very draining for the recipient. I'd find it hard to put up with.

I used to have an ex-boyfriend like this, note the ex.

He says all he needs is me and baby

That's lovely - but you and the baby are not pictures to hang on the wall, but living breathing human being with your own needs, ideas, interests. Plus it's not actually true that's all he needs - he has his hobby of computer gaming.

The baby will grow up and want to do activities, go on holidays, see friends. You have things you want to originate for you all to do as a family. At the moment it seems his contribution is going to be a jokey comment about the expense while you plan everything and drag him along.

Oh God, as I write this I realise that this has turned into a problem about wifework.

He needs to buck his ideas up as 'you and the baby' are not on a pedestal but people he needs to interact with.

Yes, do think about how this is going to play out with your child, when they want things, experiences, parties etc.

I feel really fortunate that both my DW and I share a liking for many things - food, wine, restaurants, holiday destinations (won't be going on one this year sadly), walking, films etc.
One of my cousins has nothing in common with her DH and it makes her really unhappy.

Thank you lots of great points.

He does have interests and friends but nothing which really costs anything!

I agree that the line about me and the baby is borderline manipulation. His dad frequently makes similar comments. He is very invested in his job and it is a big part of his identity.

I will definitely have a chat about where the money is and what it is actually there for. I don’t think we have really discussed how we want life to look. I know if I asked him that question, the answer would be having lots of money saved.

It sounds like a miserable way to live. I couldn't be with someone so tight and dissimilar to me