To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

PS. And that if he can't see the value in making this effort and adjusting his behaviour, then you are clearly unsuited to each other and need to talk about separating.

There is absolutely NO WAY I would spend my life with someone who was determined to remove any element of joy from the things that I like doing. It would be a controlling and utterly miserable way to live.

He sounds tight and miserable, I couldn’t live with someone like him tbh. I once worked with a man who had a very similar attitude, had £2million in investments and savings get still came to work at 74 years old, he used to take shared food home out of the staff room (which was meant for other staff) so he didn’t have use his own, went on holidays to beach resorts in winter because it was half price, he got a kick out of spending as little as possible. I had numerous conversations with him about it as it made no sense to me and he would constantly discuss money. It was an obsession, his attitude was that having a large amount of money brought him more happiness than spending it, he got joy from looking at his bank balance numerous times a day and making more and more money, spending money actually made him upset unless he felt like he was getting an amazing bargain.

There’s no way I could be in relationship with someone like this, money alone does not make me happy, it’s merely a tool for me to use to pay for things that do make me happy. I think you and your husband are fundamentally different people and you’re going to have clash after clash over this for the rest of your life, I think the more money these kinds of people have the worse they get as well.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. I couldn’t live such a joyless life when there was no financial need to. I’d find someone more compatible to live the rest of my life with.

I once rented a room from a couple like your DH. The properties they had were worth £££ (naice town in Home Counties) but gosh, they did not like spending! Only had the heating on for an hour in the morning and an hour in evening, same with hot water. I worked shifts and once rang my mum in tears as it was a freezing cold day and I couldn’t bear to get in a cold shower to wash my hair. She told me to go and get a blow dry and she put money in my account. I’d get in from work and find them sat in coats and scarves rather than put heating on. And much more...

I honestly don’t see how they got any enjoyment from anything. They were nice enough to chat to but any conversation about ANYTHING always had the question “Isn’t that really expensive?” They even told me they’d stopped going to places and for days out once the DC got to an age when they were no longer free/reduced. I thought it quite sad that they had stuff that they enjoyed doing/seeing but they would rather sit in old coats and scarves freezing and never leaving the town as they’d rather save a few pounds (for what?) than enjoy themselves.

I couldn’t live like that. We had the heating on earlier when I got in as it’s blustery and raining here. My parents would be horrified (as would my old LL). But I’m buggered if I’m sitting and being cold in my own house. When we go out for the day we eat out, we pay to do what we enjoy. Otherwise what’s the point?

It's a bit parent/child him disapproving of your spending and also a way of putting you down the implication that you are being somehow frivolous and he is more "worthy" than you because he saves more, like his job it more "worthy" than yours...

But those are all controlling traits aren’t they? He is continually saying his way is better. And it’s the only way so he’s disapproving of the op. That’s not a way to live is it?

Hi OP,
I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband about how you feel and go right back to basics and do a budget together and decide on some shared goals.

You need to tell your husband that you respect that he plans for your future and has simple tastes but he is making you unhappy in the present and that you want/need to work out a compromise that you can both live with.

(Disclaimer - we are on a modest income so our budget is nothing like this so I have very little idea of actual appropriate figures!!)

You are high earners so with that in mind for example

• he might suggest £500 groceries/household budget. You might prefer double but compromise on £750.
• budget for meals out - compromise on £400/£500? (we spend £100 on a chippy tea once a week and the odd McDonalds!)
• "grooming" £200? He probably won't need a budget for this if his needs are just a £10 haircut or owning a pair of clippers
• "baby" £100/£200? This could be saved when the baby doesn't need anything and splurged when they do. Don't make the mistake of baby items needing to come from your personal spends.
• each of your own pots for clothes/gadgets/whatever - £300 - £1000 - I have no idea but will be less if you can have separate savings budget "pots" for things like "holidays" and "replace car" You could perhaps encourage your husband to spend his budhet and treat himself.

Then you need to budget also for the things that might be more important to your husband. Allocate an amount in your budget each month for "pensions", "emergency fund one years expenses" (or however long you both decide", "long term savings", "upsizing/extension", baby's university fund (and school fund if you intend to go private), baby's house deposit, wedding, driving and car, same for any siblings planned, maternity leave, ....

Don't forget to also budget boring stuff like monthly, annual bills, maintenance...

When you start to consider each others needs and wants in a balanced way you might find that you are willing to compromise a bit on the restaurant budget, and willingly so, if it means your child (and any siblings) have healthy driving, university, wedding and house deposit funds. You need to strike a balance between today and tomorrow that you can both live with.

A budgeting tool/app such as YNAB can help you both to track that you are sticking to the agreed budget and once you have hammered it out your husband (hopefully) might see the win as staying in budget on a category rather than spending nothing. So for example if you agree your restaurant budget is £400 then you don't want to hear any negativity about even a £200 meal as long as over the month you are on budget.

If you can listen to each other and respect each other's viewpoints hopefully your differing viewpoints can form a happy balance.

Re planning for the future I used to be fascinated watching the "Real housewives of Orange County" episodes filmed during the financial crisis of 2008. I was amazed to see the people that had held lavish (and i mean lavish) parties for their partner's birthday with accompanying gift of very expensive motorbike or $40,000 Rolex watch worry about losing their homes the minute the crisis hit. I couldn't believe that they would buy those things when they had not paid off their mortgage and had no emergency savings!!

I didn't have a problem with it until the drip feed of you only having access to 4% of the family money. Hes financially abusive and you should be making plans to get out asap before it gets worse

He sounds like a sanctimonious prig who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Even if his own tastes are simple I'm afraid I think there is something wrong if he cannot take pleasure in your enjoyment of something.

I agree with PP that he also sounds controlling but you have clearly handed much of this control to him. You must get a handle on your finances.

@RandomMess that's a really good point.

He sounds as if he thinks that he's better than the OP full stop. His job is worthier, he spends less money, he only needs his wife and baby and has no interest in frivolous things.

The problem with living with a miser is that they suck all the joy out of your life, for them nothing is of more value than saving money, it is their whole, all absorbing, focus.

They may start by merely being economical or frugal with money, but as their fixation grows, it will begin to affect all areas of your life with them. They will end by being miserly with emotions and with love.

They will not recover or improve, your life will become bleak if you stay with them. Take back control of your own money, control is a major part of the addiction of miserliness. That's why he makes disparaging remarks when ever you spend money. He wants you to know that he disapproves, he hopes you will stop spending in order to make him feel better. It's a way of controlling you.

Get some flowers delivered, buy a bottle of champagne, think about the rest of your life and how you want to live it.

There has been a really interesting programme on Radio 4 about this called the Money Clinic. It's on Sounds. You have an interesting dynamic going on if you earn 2.5 times as much as him but he single-handedly manages the finances. This is probably less about money and more about power/anxiety/relationships. You consider your tastes to be 'fine' and his to be boring, but I wonder about his financial background. If you can't do what Winter2020 suggests, maybe counselling is the way forward because you are not communicating well right now.

My ex never wanted to do anything much with me (not money related) so if he did I always knew it was on sufferance which really takes away any joy, as you say it’s the attitude not the actual money

The crux of this issue is that it is hard to enjoy something when you know the person you are with is not or is just going along with it to please you. It’s very difficult to articulate the feeling

I think you have to get away from thinking that just because he could enjoy the same things as you, he should. If you enjoyed running marathons, would you expect your husband to, or stop doing it because he didn't want to? Obviously if he objected to you spending money on decent sports bras or running shoes that wouldn't be on, but if he just wasn't interested in joining in then no problem.

oooh this resonates!! i get this!! marriage is about a shared identity maybe for you and you want dh to enjoy mutually pleasurable things, its natural. however you also feel the need to be yourself. we feel happiest when those 2 things overlap. " oh what amazing flowrs youve bought" is what we would all like to hear from our our dps. then real life hits. you need to work out how and where to draw that line, only you can do this, either as a couple or by yourself. just re the food thing, what do you want to model for your child as they grow up? food is both basic, sensory, and where manners start in the history of humanity. do you want yr child to see you eating 2 different meals? can you gloss over your dps more limited (not judging him honestly) pallet or food outlook by doing meze type meals or salad where you help yourself to the bits you like but it all comes under one meal bracket?

What you need to grasp is that your DH gets as much of a kick out of denying himself things and saving money, as you get from buying things and treating yourself. And as time goes on he needs to deny himself more and more in order to get the same amount of 'kick'.

My partner and I differ on this. But I like to rub it in his face in a jokey way how I like watching ballets, listen to classical music, like to have my camomile tea in a fine bone China cup. He’s fine with it, and if he’s not, why should I care haha.

He can be crass but I love a bit of rough and we get on great. Hth

I agree with @lottiegarbanzo. I've often been frugal in life but always with an aim in mind. Eat very cheaply at home for a month because I want to take the family out to a Michelin starred restaurant. Buy cheap clothes and groceries because we are saving up for a really good holiday. We don't have much income but we live really well because we're extremely frugal about things that don't matter to us (car is an old banger, house is very scuffed around the edges) and spend a lot on things that do. (Including flowers, wine, holidays, lots of days out, dinner out, theatre etc.)

To be clear, I have access to our joint account. The 4% is my ‘fun’ budget.

Lots of interesting replies. I would never think of him as controlling. Maybe he is but not consciously so? He does definitely think of himself as less ‘frivolous’ than me!

Oh and damn straight you need to have your salary paid into your own account! Plus you should have log-on details for every single joint account that you share with him.

I think you have to get away from thinking that just because he could enjoy the same things as you, he should. If you enjoyed running marathons, would you expect your husband to, or stop doing it because he didn't want to?

But when you love someone you find pleasure in seeing their fulfilment in something that they enjoy. The DH might take no pleasure in running marathons but he might come along to cheer his wife on, or cook her favourite pasta dish so that she can carb-load. It sounds like OP's DH accompanies her only under duress so that he can silently disapprove, and I can see how that quickly sucks the joy from pretty much everything.

And yet you've unconsciously modified your behaviour in response to how he treats you.

**#17ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords it's more basic than marathons it's daily things like food and flowers though. not sure why everyone's focussing so much on the finances though? just take the cost of the flowers out of the joint account and double the budget if he refuses to engage, he sees them too. maybe he can have his own patch of grey wall to look at as he walks past another area to compensate for their beauty?

My DP is miserly. Everything I want he says something like "well, if it's a bargain". When we book holidays I joke with him that if he was a millionaire he'd still want to stay in a budget hotel. I think he gets it from his parents, they are utterly joyless.

Very similar to my husband. We are comfortably well off but he will not "waste money" going for a nice meal - the carvery or local pizza place is fine. Same with clothes cheapest is the best but he refuses to step foot in Primark or budget supermarkets as they are full of chavs!! He is exceptionally financially savvy and is very up on the best savings accounts etc. He literally spends his spare time researching financial matters He wants to retire at 55 hence his attitude!!!!