To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

If his family are "super frugal and loaded" then there is your answer about why your DH is like this................

If your DH can't stop being critical of what your spend your money on and it is making your life miserable, then have you thought of leaving him? It sounds like he won't (and doesn't want) to change. Do you love him?

I don't think the clothes thing is so bad - no different to a charity shop.

I think you need to work on why it bothers you though. He has his tastes in clothes and food, you have yours. He is fine with you doing what you want. But when it comes to his tastes, you feel bad for some reason, maybe thinking that he isn't enjoying himself and is secretly judging you. But there's no evidence at all that he isn't enjoying himself or that he is judging you.

Divorce him. It's sounds like you've got enough money for a good lawyer. Then you can get a husband who suits you better.

Carole - I’m not sure. He regards his job as more ‘worthwhile’ than mine and he has only ever wanted to do that. But I agree, he does like taking charge over the finances and that being his thing. I freely admit he is ten times better than me at it.

The crux of this issue is that it is hard to enjoy something when you know the person you are with is not or is just going along with it to please you. It’s very difficult to articulate the feeling

I think YABU to try and change his tastes. If he loves baked beans then fair enough. What isn't being unreasonable though is being left to enjoy things that you like. If you want to get in some nice wine or something, given you save a lot as well and you can afford it, it's not ok for him to make 'jokey' comments about it or try and detract from your enjoyment of it in any way. It's horrible when you're about to tuck into something and someone else pulls a face even if they don't say anything.

If he has grown up like this it is probably very entrenched and unless he really wants to change, he won't. I guess that could become a problem if you want to go long haul 5* holidays and helicopter trips and Michelin star restaurants while you're there while he wants to go camping in Wales and eat his beans. As long as you can compromise in some way and still do the things you enjoy either by yourself or with friends then it should hopefully be ok

I don’t want to leave him but no we don’t have fun. That could be the lockdown though.....

OP this is not relevant really but I'm interested in what job you do, if you don't mind saying? Considering a career change in general so interested in what careers pay v well and whether I could make a sideways move with additional training / qualifications.

It is “just existing” to never go out and only once a year if you do. Most poor people would love to go out more. It’s very self limiting when people who can afford it don’t see the value of it. It is awful to be so limited. Most of us want to do things with the man we love and not just stay at home all the time.

Hi I’m sorry but my job is extremely niche so I can’t really say. I do work for a very large corporate, though

how boring

I do understand you. Sharing pleasure and ways of achieveing it is pretty important in a marriage - and not just about sex. Enjoying other sensual and cultural pleasures forms part of the wider context of experience and attitude that informs your enjoyment of each others' company and each other.

You can have different interests and hobbies but not enjoying the same sort of life as a couple, doing the sorts of things you do as a couple, is tricky.

More practically, sharing attitudes to money, drinking etc make life together much easier. If you can agree on some headlines - like both having excellent pensions, what sort of retirement ages you're aiming for - that might help give a structure that you can then be more flexible within.

YABU. I much prefer the simpler things; a takeaway pizza/fish fingers to a fancy meal. I also don’t see the point in wasting money on flowers that will just die, and I don’t drink nor do I agree with alcohol in general.

I am who I am, and DH knew that about me when he married me. Similarly, though your DH might be getting worse with age, you knew most of those things about him.

You can’t change him, and you shouldn’t try to. As long as he isn’t stopping you—and you’ve said he isn’t—you need to accept this is just who he is.

@Finerthingsplease

Carole - I’m not sure. He regards his job as more ‘worthwhile’ than mine and he has only ever wanted to do that. But I agree, he does like taking charge over the finances and that being his thing. I freely admit he is ten times better than me at it.

The crux of this issue is that it is hard to enjoy something when you know the person you are with is not or is just going along with it to please you. It’s very difficult to articulate the feeling

If you struggle even with him going along with what you want and not discussing his own feelings, it's hard to view the two of you as compatible. A person can to some extent change or at least control their behaviour, but they can't alter who they fundamentally are and it isn't realistic to ask for that.

Yes, I agree that actually addressing why we are saving would be a good place to start. We were saving for a house but we’ve had that for years now, with a very good loan to value, but the saving has just continued and increased! We are saving about 35% of our monthly income I think.

" I think its just a older man thing."

Oh God No.
This idea that men get to just become miserable gits and their long suffering wives put up with it because, that's what men are like...NO!!

I loathe this idea.

I've seen this dynamic in many marriages develop.

My Dh could have a tendency towards this, and I have told him in no certain terms, that much as I love him, as we get older if he starts to become a moaning/ pessimistic/ miser I will not tolerate it and I will leave. I don't want to live like that, or with someone like that.

I want my DH to be the person I most enjoy sharing life with and for me some of the things the OP mentioned would really be part of enjoying life.

This idea of having a miserly DH at home while you go to nice restaurants with your friends being the way to live is nuts. I love my DH, I want to share the pleasures of life with him.

Luckily my DH and I make an effort to enjoy each others interests take pleasure in activities in the same way - holidays/wine/eating out/buying things for the house. I spend more than my DH on things like clothes, flowers and perfume and he enjoys me enjoying them - maybe the key difference with you DH?

If our life together wasn't pleasurable I wouldn't stay (now the children are older.) This is our time to enjoy life together.

If you both enjoyed frugality that would be fine as you'd be enjoying it together.

You are maybe realising that as you change as you are getting older you might be incompatible.

I could not live like that. You earn 2.5x more but he thinks his job is better, and after a hard week at work you're made to feel bad for wanting some decent wine?

Jesus christ.

One day you're gonna be old. Cash rich and experience poor, with all this time wasted on someone like this. All the things you could be doing with your life, and all you want are a few luxurious and you can't even have that?

Princess - I think him being a bit tight used to be a joke between us but how much it has rubbed off on me has shocked me. I just can’t get pleasure in what I used to because I imagine what he would say about (even though he doesn’t always even say it). Does that make sense?

This sounds miserable. It seems like he’s got inside your head. Can you get him out?
You’re a very high earner, you don’t have to make do with £5 supermarket flowers love.
You probably can’t change his behaviour or ideas but can you change yours so that you stop worrying what he will think?

My husband is very similar (grew up with miserable parents who rather than try to improve their financial situation just accepted it land now they all think sacrificing the things they want is a good thing ). He was a lot worse before we had our baby but having him has now given him a sense of his own mortality.

I just ignore him, always have. If I want something I just go for it - there’s no need to discuss purchases (even large ones) when we are both high earners and save so much.

@Finerthingsplease - that can be reversed though. Just make the things you want to enjoy part of your weekly routine. Buy flowers, wine, books, treats and gradually you will stop feeling self-conscious about it.

More worrying that you've had no fun during lockdown though. Having fun with a DH should be something that can easily be done with almost no money - long walks and chats, having a giggle playing cards or board games, doing quizzes together, having a dance if he's up for that (mine isn't but I live in hope) even just cuddling up together on the sofa to watch a comedy show or a film. What sort of fun do you want that you can't have with him?

Theholly - yes, it is inside my head. And I think mainly it’s the idea that I should not view ‘Stuff’ as important. He says all he needs is me and baby. My small requests seem stupid when viewed in that light.

My husband is exactly the same. Wants a cheese sandwich for lunch every day and I want sushi, a salad or some soup.

I've learnt to have lots of friends to enjoy these things with. He's happy to let me carry on but causes problems when I want to eat somewhere different to pizza express.

I know it's going to come to a head when it comes to retirement.

You need to get to a place where he accepts that wearing your dad's cast-off clothes is fine (no really, it is: tolerance is a two-way street) but that sitting around oozing disapproval at something you enjoy is not. He may not physically be stopping you but if you can't buy some flowers without having them commented on then obviously you're not going to be able to enjoy buying flowers.

You need to find a way of functioning as a couple where you can both enjoy being you.

Work out as reasonable compromise re e.g. how often you go out as a couple, accept that saving is something that makes him happy and that is fine, but flowers is something that makes you happy and that is also fine.

Why can’t you share those things you enjoy with your friends? I’d rather do wine tasting with the girls & I try out more new restaurants with my friends than I do DH. He likes lots of things I don’t, i mean the same he’d probably prefer a McDonald’s over a nice Thai, I don’t try & change him just go with someone else?

Lemon - my friends can’t really afford to do things like that regularly and we all have children so it’s difficult to arrange. And I would like a nice evening out with my husband, I suppose!