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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

413 replies

Finerthingsplease · 06/06/2020 13:29

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 06/06/2020 17:31

Hi OP, I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re struggling with this with your husband. Buying £5 supermarket flowers is not extravagant, nor is it is frivolous to want to share a relaxing evening with wine with your husband. I wanted to say, there’s a mental health/state of mind aspect here, where he doesn’t understand the value of flowers. Maybe you could try to explain, I know it sounds cringey, that the flowers are beautiful, colourful and cheer you up. Explain the purpose. Enjoying something actually not at all materialistic like flowers is a mindful kind of enjoyment and very soothing.

Another thought I had was maybe saying to him that you would like to have one ‘date night’ a week, to improve the quality time in your relationship, and that it would mean a lot to you if that could be having a nice meal and bottle of wine. In lockdown, that could be cooking together and when all the madness ends, maybe going out if someone can baby sit your little one. If he says it’s too expensive, say you’re aware that of course it is more expensive than having baked beans, but you’ve weighed it up and you think that the benefit for the relationship of spending some money on such experiences is worth it.

I don’t think you can expect a complete change of attitude from him, but I think you deserve to be able to enjoy these things and it’s not fair for you to have to look for friends to enjoy them with instead. I think he should be able to step up and make some effort, even if it’s not his preference. Otherwise I’m afraid resentment may grow if you feel like you’re missing out on all these enjoyable and not at all unreasonable things for no good reason. Good luck OP.

headlock · 06/06/2020 17:32

Do you have friends you can enjoy these things with? Obviously once lockdown is over.
I get what you mean, it's nice to appreciate a good meal or wine with someone who 'gets it' or at least tried to take an interest.

sussexmum · 06/06/2020 17:36

#Ghostlyglow surprise him with a lovely meal out or better still ask for 5* hotel night dinner bed and breakfast vouchers for birthday/Xmas and see how he feels to enjoy the lux life for 24 hours!!

TellMeWhyRI · 06/06/2020 17:39

Ada on the money. Sorry, no pun intended.

TellMeWhyRI · 06/06/2020 17:40

Well if you want to torture him SussexMum Grin...

TellMeWhyRI · 06/06/2020 17:43

I didn't have a problem with it until the drip feed of you only having access to 4% of the family money. Hes financially abusive

On a serious note, ^ that too Sad.

TellMeWhyRI · 06/06/2020 17:45

4% fun

Can't even get my head around that one. Very strange. I'd be upping that to 40% myself.

Treacletoots · 06/06/2020 17:48

My exH once asked for chicken nuggets from the children's menu in a very fancy restaurant for our anniversary.

Note, he's an ex.

C0RA · 06/06/2020 17:51

I feel like finances have become the issue on the thread when really the issue is his attitude towards pleasure

But he does get pleasure , just from different things than you. To me it seems that the problems are

  1. Both of you judge each other for enjoying the things you do. He things you are frivolous and you thing he’s a bore / killjoy
  2. You can’t even enjoy your interests alone / with others because you hear his judgemental voice in your head
  3. You want him to do things like eat out with you and he doesn’t want to
  4. You have reacted to his over scrupulous / obsessive attitude towards savings etc by being very uninvolved / wilfully ignorant

Unless I’ve got it totally wrong ?

Gwenhwyfar · 06/06/2020 17:52

"He's allowed to like what he likes and it's not great to dismiss his tastes as "toddler food" because you don't share them."

I was offended by that as well. Nothing wrong with simple food.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/06/2020 17:53

" wanted to say, there’s a mental health/state of mind aspect here, where he doesn’t understand the value of flowers. "

What? I find flowers a waste of money too and I don't have mental health issues. It's just a preference.

Ugzbugz · 06/06/2020 17:55

What exactly does he plan to do with all these savings? Live life whilst you can and enjoy yourself whilst saving a little, life is way to short!!

ainsisoisje · 06/06/2020 17:56

Can you join a wine tasting club or go for a supper club where you could meet people who like the same things? I feel sad that you can easily afford it but can't really do it atm. Agree with Carolebaskins comment above also.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/06/2020 17:56

" it’s not fair for you to have to look for friends to enjoy them with instead. I think he should be able to step up and make some effort, even if it’s not his preference."

Hmm. Do all couples have to have the same pasttimes? What if your DP enjoys train watching? Do you have to go and stand on a bridge for hours because it's not fair for him to have to find friends to do that with?
I think it's fair enough to have different interests as long as each person is able to do their own thing.

JamieLeeCurtains · 06/06/2020 17:59

OP may I ask, is that 4% of your gross or net joint income. Each or between you?

Do you have pay slips available to at least check your pension contributions at source?

This seems very disordered, given the causes and the outcomes are not what you want (tbh).

Thesuzle · 06/06/2020 17:59

Haven’t read to the end but I suggest he is suffering from Dented Pride.
You earning so much more is stopping him from enjoying it.
But still you earned it, you have what you want, but I would ask him the question re pride

JamieLeeCurtains · 06/06/2020 18:01

@Gwenhwyfar

"He's allowed to like what he likes and it's not great to dismiss his tastes as "toddler food" because you don't share them."

I was offended by that as well. Nothing wrong with simple food.

The OP has already said that 'toddler food' is her husband's own description not hers.
LaurieFairyCake · 06/06/2020 18:05

My DH is much more frugal than me - turns lights off, favourite meal beans on toast

However I'm an utter spendthrift- buy masses of stuff because I fancy it

We genuinely help each other to enjoy life. Smile

He insists we 'save' by over paying our mortgage as he knows I see this as 'direct debits' so untouchable.

And I organise a dinner, theatre, pub, activity once a month.

Also - he wants NOTHING for his birthday and is perfectly happy for me to get a £200 present on mine and him nothing

The bottom line is we're the SAME at bill paying, we both want to retire by 55. So we have a shared priority. If we retire at 55 it will be frugal-ish. Mortgage paid off, smallish pension - but loads of time to enjoy it.

billy1966 · 06/06/2020 18:08

For all those women who are with husbands that are tight as can be and are planning on finishing working at 55 or so......it will be a very very long retirement for you!

I repeat, there is nothing wrong with being financially savy, I would certainly consider myself so, but the type of joyless meanness the OP speaks off is just awful.

OP, I wonder how he is going to feel about you wanting to know EXACTLY where your money is, whose name it is in, directing more to an sole account for you...

I wonder how he will feel about all of this.

Unfortunately, I do feel he is very controlling, manipulative and subtley undermining you with your oh so frivolous ways.

Clearly from what you have said little in common, he doesn't care to remedy this....

I would be concerned that you are a kind, naive cashcow for him.

Do you feel loved and cherished.....or is all his joy and love saved for your money, and his spreadsheets.

Your Mother is not happy.....talk to her.

If you were my daughter I wouldn't be happy either.

Flowers
Cyberworrier · 06/06/2020 18:14

@Gwenhwyfar

"He's allowed to like what he likes and it's not great to dismiss his tastes as "toddler food" because you don't share them."

I was offended by that as well. Nothing wrong with simple food.

The OP explained that her husband describes his tastes as toddler food!
Cyberworrier · 06/06/2020 18:17

@Gwenhwyfar

" wanted to say, there’s a mental health/state of mind aspect here, where he doesn’t understand the value of flowers. "

What? I find flowers a waste of money too and I don't have mental health issues. It's just a preference.

Haha, I didn’t mean that he has mental health problems for not appreciating flowers! You’ve missed my point, sorry if I was unclear. I meant that some people find simple things like flowers enormously beneficial for their own well-being. Not everyone! But just means her husband shouldn’t dismiss it just as he doesn’t get the same benefits. I don’t find the football relaxing but I don’t stop my husband watching it as I know he does 🤷‍♀️ 💐
Ghostlyglow · 06/06/2020 18:23

@sussexmum he would just refuse, and there would probably be a huge row. Not worth it Smile. He likes to be in control, he only likes surprises on his terms Grin

Ireolu · 06/06/2020 18:27

I used to be spendy until we bought our house. My husband used to be tight but now enjoys spending if he thinks it is worth it. It's just about being sensible. He changed and actually indulged me in a few expensive treats pre-children. I think spending £60 on wine is ludicrous but that's my opinion and it's not really my thing. I also don't see why him being happy with a pizza is a problem. You can try to speak to him about how his attitude affects you and maybe he will see it fit to not respond with disapproval when you bring something home. None of it sounds like a deal breaker to me.

Typohere · 06/06/2020 18:33

I doubt he will change.

You earn more anyway so just go ahead and spend your money on the more expensive wines and buy as many flowers as you like. Ignore him and don't even mention it since he is a spoil sport. Enjoy spending yiour own money.

Thehollyandtheirony · 06/06/2020 18:33

Pop out and buy yourself a big bunch of peonies. They are expensive and don’t last long but oh the pleasure they bring in those few days!
If you want to override his voice in your head, you need to work at it. Also, think carefully about the effect on your child if your Dh’s attitude is the predominant influence in their upbringing.