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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DP to get public transport and go home

395 replies

cakedup · 06/06/2020 07:57

DP is usually great but not so much when he has had a drink.

He kept telling me to fuck off when we were in bed last night so I slept on the sofa. Then this morning he came and started on me because I was on the sofa and he said it was weird the cats were sleeping on me. He kept going on and said it's over between us but I know he doesn't mean that. He kept mimicking me and then accused me of crocodile tears. I couldn't stand it any longer so I went out for a walk, luckily he was asleep when I got back.

It's going to be unbearable today. He will carry on being a dick until he sobers up and then he will apologise profusely. I just want to be left alone today but feel I'm stuck unless he takes the tube to his house, I can't ask him to do that can I?

OP posts:
AwwDontGo · 06/06/2020 09:46

Just tell him to leave and don’t get into any discussion with him. You’ve made you mind up and that’s that.

You don’t need anyone in your life that treats you like shit.

Not saying it will be easy but you really have to get rid of him. Stay single for a good long while and enjoy your son and your cats in peace.

stophuggingme · 06/06/2020 09:48

I’d throw the fucker under the bus never mind make sure he got on it
Seriously abusive horrendous man.

I would cruelly call the Police and have him removed, say he don’t leave your property, is drunk and you are frightened. He has no lawful right to be there, he is trespassing against your will. Get him out of there.

Never see him again.

sparklefarts · 06/06/2020 09:48

I honestly wouldn't care if this man did get ill from going on public transport.
Not even a tiny bit.

LadyEloise · 06/06/2020 09:50

He must leave.
He is being abusive.
Ii wouldn't wake him up, I'd wait til he gets up and tell him to leave.
I hope he does not get violent, so please tell someone in your real life what is happening.
Is he the father of your son ?

IDontLikeZombies · 06/06/2020 09:50

Please don't marry this man and please don't have kids with him.

DF is exactly the same. A giant sweetie of a man when he's sober, an absolute monster when drunk. He started on me when I was about 13/14. I absolutely idolised him when I was little so being called names, belittled and raged at was incredibly hard. It took a long time but I realised that he chose to drink knowing that he hugely increased the risk of being abusive towards us. The alcohol didn't fall out the sky into his mouth so I reckoned he made an active choice to drink, with all the baggage that brought with it. I had a couple of periods of NC over the years and I've got some really strong boundaries in place. I love DF and my relationship with him is pretty good now as long as my boundaries are respected. I'm not entirely mentally okay, my self esteem can be fragile and I have to work on my mental health on a daily basis.

For me it is what it is but you have a choice to walk away now and if I had that choice I'd take it.

Porridgeoat · 06/06/2020 09:52

Pack his bags and leave them by the front door.

Tell him to leave once sober

Call the police if he refuses to leave

dudsville · 06/06/2020 09:52

OP, I hope you take all of these poster's comments on board. It really doesn't matter that he's usually loving, if anyone is even a smidgen hurtful and abusive more than once it's a big red flag. And he has control over it, you say he stops when your son enters the room. So he knows that he doing. That's such awful behaviour. You deserve better.

curtainsforme · 06/06/2020 09:55

Tell him to leave. What he does and how he gets home don't fall under your responsibility. That's his look out.

TeaStory · 06/06/2020 09:55

IDontLikeZombies makes an excellent point. He acts apologetic afterwards, but clearly he’s not sorry because he knows he abuses you when drunk yet still chooses to drink. His apologies are just words.

diazapamdependent · 06/06/2020 09:56

Hope OP isn't scared off

I remember my first few threads about my abusive ex. I'd post and hide away when the answers were over....

We are all here and we get it

Tiredmum100 · 06/06/2020 09:56

He needs to leave. My ex was vile to me when he was drunk. It will only get worse and it's weird he's got a problem with the cats? I'd take your ds and cats over that idiot any day.

Megatron · 06/06/2020 09:59

OP, if you had a daughter, would you be happy for her to have this kind of relationship? I doubt it. Tell him to fuck right off and not turn back.

zaffa · 06/06/2020 09:59

Oh Op this man sounds dreadful! I'd be really worried about your cats. Is he kind to them? When you're not in the room - is there a chance he is hurting them because he is jealous of them and your affection to him? It sounds like his true colours are coming out and a man who is jealous of animals and so very unkind to his partner is not a man you want around. Send him home and tell him not to come back - he sounds truly awful

MashedPotatoBrainz · 06/06/2020 10:03

He needs to go permanently. He's not a loving, caring man, he's an abuser. This won't get better, it'll only get worse. What will you do when your DS starts to step in to defend you and he turns on him? Because it will happen. Ask ant woman who's been in your situation, they'll tell you.

Get rid, get rid for good. But be prepared for the tears, the apologies, the promises it'll never happen again. Because it will happen again and it will escalate. It always does.

TARSCOUT · 06/06/2020 10:06

OP if you're still reading please do what's right for you and your son. Be brave, we're here for you.

TorkTorkBam · 06/06/2020 10:07

Pack for him while he is sleeping. Leave the bag by the door.

In vino veritas.

He's training you to be abused. He already has you keeping other dirty secrets for him you say, that make it difficult for you to get help now. He is in control when he's drunk and is choosing to let the truth out. Soon it will come out when sober.

In a shared house there is no way your son is no hearing what's going on.

At 15 he must feel terribly sad and emasculated to be powerless to stop his mum being abused at home. Imagine DS lying in his bed hearing his mum's boyfriend shouting vile abuse at her. Eventually his own fears are less than his fear for you and DS decides to come into the room because he knows his nasty step dad lays off his mum for a bit then.

Then next day he sees his mum simpering like a teenager over this twat of a man she's made him spend his lockdown with.

I suppose DS hasn't had much of a look in for your attention during lockdown seeing as you moved your boyfriend in and like to simper over him?

And you can't ask him to leave because he'd have to get the tube or a taxi. You couldn't make it up.

You are acting like one of those women who only care about their dickhead boyfriends. The children are secondary.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/06/2020 10:08

When he has gone start preparing yourself for family and friends asking daft questions.

You don't have to explain anything. Just have one stock answer for everyone, one that has nothing to niggle at. Something like "It had run its course. I no longer wish to be in a relationship with him".

My life, my choice!

AJPTaylor · 06/06/2020 10:09

Ok
Based on what you have posted.
He is abusive. More so when drunk. He chooses to get drunk.
He also seems to think you have some kind of sexual interest in cats.
None of these are good.
You are using corona virus as a reason not to boot him out.
Are you frightened of him?

converseandjeans · 06/06/2020 10:12

Maybe go and speak to DS and let him know what you're planning to do? He's old enough to be told. It wouldn't be nice for him to be woken up by the kerfuffle.
If you decide against it - next time record him. Then you can show him how horrible he is.
Would you want DS or a friend being spoken to like this?
Please do get rid though.

Orchidflower1 · 06/06/2020 10:13

@cakedup
If you need some strength to make him go picture this scene....

It’s a month from now and your lovely 15 yo ds has been slowly absorbing what that tw!t has been doing to you. He’s had enough so he gets up the courage and shouts at your “d”p to leave his mum alone. Your “d”p- realising that someone is not going to tolerate his behaviour, punches your ds squarely in the face, breaking his nose and knocking him out.

Pause and think about this.......
be strong it’s your home. Get him out and change the locks, today. If you can’t get the locks changed get a new bolt on every door.

Just because he’s not hit you yet doesn’t mean he won’t.

🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

CleanUpWoman · 06/06/2020 10:18

I can almost guarantee he will physically hurt you. I'm not saying this to scare you, but to encourage you to act now. This WILL escalate.

I had exactly this behaviour for almost 6 months. Leaning over me in bed, chanting "whore, whore, whore" down my ear. Being abusive about past relationships, criticising my parenting, telling me I had failed relationships because I was a whore, suggesting my child could "smell the STIs" on me. Thats just a snippet.

And oh yes, couldn't he be the most loving, perfect, affectionate, supportive man. When it suited him.

He wasn't. He was (and most likely still is) an arrogant, nasty, abusive and violent piece of shit.

I let things go too far and it ended up with his hands around my throat. Dont let that happen to you.

Get him the hell out your house NOW.

hapagirl · 06/06/2020 10:19

This man sounds awful. Kick him out and shut the door. It’s not your problem how he gets home or if he catches anything on the way. Cuddle your cats. You deserve better.

Cadent · 06/06/2020 10:20

People are getting the tube all the time. Glad you’re going to tell him to shove off. I’ve had coronavirus and I would happily get on the tube again in this situation.

MaeDanvers · 06/06/2020 10:24

I know what you are saying about it hurting because he is treating your son's mother this was. I think you also need to consider that yes your son will have noticed how he treats you. Not only that, at aged 15, your son will also just be starting his own journey not long from now into romance and relationships - and what is this teaching him? About how men are to women, about what women will accept from men?

You're his mother - it will hurt him to see you being abused, but it may also show him that the way your partner acts is ok, because, well, his mum accepts it.

LadyEloise · 06/06/2020 10:26

Great post TorkTorkBam
Please read it @cakedup