to tell DP to get public transport and go home

[cakedup]

DP is usually great but not so much when he has had a drink.

He kept telling me to fuck off when we were in bed last night so I slept on the sofa. Then this morning he came and started on me because I was on the sofa and he said it was weird the cats were sleeping on me. He kept going on and said it's over between us but I know he doesn't mean that. He kept mimicking me and then accused me of crocodile tears. I couldn't stand it any longer so I went out for a walk, luckily he was asleep when I got back.

It's going to be unbearable today. He will carry on being a dick until he sobers up and then he will apologise profusely. I just want to be left alone today but feel I'm stuck unless he takes the tube to his house, I can't ask him to do that can I?

Tell him to get to fuck.

The only reason he shuts up in front of your DS is that he's 15 and likely getting big enough to take him on for abusing his mother.

And you are being abused. He sounds like an utter prick.

I don't know if this makes sense, but what hurts me most is when DP treats me badly, I think he is treating DS' mum badly and that hurts even more than if I just think he is treating me badly. iyswim

That completely makes sense. It's easier to see other people's problems than your own. You now need to work out what needs to change so DS' mum doesn't keep suffering. DS' mum deserves freedom from nastiness.

I personally would let him sober up so he will be more reasonable when you tell him to go home. Once he is home text him to tell him it’s over. Seems the safest way for you, your son and pets

You had to sleep on the sofa in your own house???? If he won't go you call the police. Who cares what he's like sober if he's like this when he drinks and continues to drink? Please raise your self esteem and get rid of this excuse for a man.

Also stay on the thread a bit longer because no doubt if you end the relationship he will do everything to try to get you back into the cycle of abuse. It will be tough to ignore the ‘loving’ man you fell in love with. Just keep telling yourself that it’s just a mask to keep you in the relationship. If he was abusive all the time you would leave

The stuff with the cats is bizarre. Is he trying to suggest you’re sexually attracted to your cats?? Why is it ‘fucked up’ to stoke a cat and his leg?

He sounds like a very oppressive presence in your life. I wonder what would be easier for you if he wasn’t in it?

OP you do seem to value your son more than yourself - which I understand.

My advice is as follows - you say your son doesn't see what your partner (I say that in loose terms as he is no 'partner' if he treats you the way he does) I would say your son sees and heard enough they you are probably not aware of.

This will be damaging your son - massively - seeing this abusive behaviour will be damaging him and very possibly giving him the wrong message of how to treat your partner.

Get rid of your 'partner' call the police - I don't care if he's not always been like this - you and your son deserve more.

DP is usually great but not so much when he has had a drink.

That's exactly what I used to say about my ex. I put up with 5 years of him staying out until 4 in the morning drinking several times a week. He was in a lot of musical groups and he didn't seem to be able to go out with the others to a pub for a couple of drinks and go home. He'd always be one of the last two to go home. He'd come in completely wasted, screaming and shouting at me. I'd be blamed for everything under the sun. He'd regularly break it off with me (as it turned out usually when he'd met some woman on the night out and fancied her and concocted some bullshit in his head that she was in love with him).
It just went on and on and I could not find the strength to end it for good because he was always so apologetic and would "behave himself" for a while after particularly bad incidents. He'd have excuses about his behaviour and claim he was "trying to improve".
I'm so angry with myself - it's been 18 months now since we split for good though he tried to weasel his way back in when my Dad died. I can see I was an idiot to be taken in by him and i wasted 5 years of my life on this shit who was never going to change.
BUT my life is so much better - on my own with my two cats.

Some men can be weird about cats. Ex loved the cats until he was drunk and would then start raging about them and saying they stank, they made a mess with their hair etcetc. I was spoiling the.
FFS. He'd also say everyone in the village laughs at you because you're a mad, old cat lady.
I had another ex who complained about the cats sleeping on top of the radiators and said he wasn't prepared to pay money to heat a cat up as they were stopping the room getting warm so wanted a reduction of his half of the bills because I should pay for MY cats using the heating......

Please OP, get this fucker out today. He will never be any better. He is not a good man. He has serious issues surrounding alcohol. You should not be subjected to verbal abuse in your own home. It ends up completely fucking with your mental health - one minute love bombing, the next being shouted at and called names. Please believe me - I know. It takes a long time to recover so the sooner you get someone like that out the sooner you can begin to recover and the less damage is done in the first place.

It is not your problem how the fuck he gets home. The facemasks are not yet compulsory on the tube. If he doesn't want to use the tube he can walk or get a taxi. He's not in the least bit concerned about his own health if he's drinking that much alcohol so you shouldn't be concerned about him either. He's big enough to get himself drunk during lockdown so he's big enough to get himself back to his own place.

As for the cats, it's completely normal that they sleep on top of people who happen to be lying on the sofa.
I love my cats and I don't give a shit if people call me a mad old cat lady. At least my cats have never come in rolling drunk and shouting abuse at me and they've never been to a brothel either.

He’s an abusive bastard. When he’s sober he is love bombing you. Your 15 year old knows, don’t kid yourself that he doesn’t know. Protect yourself and your child. If he kicks off call the police immediately. Contact Women’s Aid for support. You don’t have to accept being treated this way.

I wold leave him to sleep, purely from a safety perspective - if he is more reasonable when he's sober then he's less likely to kick off.

But be ready when he wakes up. No cups of coffee or letting him mooch about. As soon as he's alert, you tell him he needs to leave. That this is non-negotiable.

That this is a pattern of behaviour that keeps being repeated.

That despite his many promises not to do it again, he still does. Therefore the relationship is over.

You do not want to see him again.

You are not interested in excuses or promises.
There is nothing to talk about.
He needs to leave your home straightaway and if he refuses then you will call the police and have him removed.

The fact he stops the abuse - even when drunk- when your son walks into the room tells you he knows what he's doing, and he knows he only has to say sorry, and you'll be fine about it. No wonder he wants to marry you. He can abuse you more then, as you'll belong to him in his eyes. He'll then start on your son, make you get rid of your cats, and generally control the household.

I have had relationships with controlling arse wipes in the past.

When I was young and green, I just used to tolerate it and think of it as the norm, so i’m not here to criticise you, only help.

Drinking seems to bring out a man’s real personality. When they are sober they are able to control or suppress their true behaviour and intentions.

Drinking doesn’t make a man a ‘bad man’ necessarily. That bad man just exposes his true self under the influence.

He can take the tube, the bus, a taxi, beg a lift from a friend, or walk. How he gets home is not your problem.

Do you really need this nonsense in your life? You know if you don't dump him this will just go on happening time after time.

And as for how he gets home - that's his problem. He can walk his hangover off if he doesn't want to get the tube.

@cakedup

He will always apologise profusely for his behaviour, always ashamed when he sobers up and often can't remember what he has said/done

Nah, I don't buy it. " Not remembering" is a brilliant reason to carry on the behaviour.

Surely he remembers the conversation about it after?
Does he remember respect?
Decency? Love?
Seems not.

Risk is minimal if he goes on the Tube. Give him.some hand sanitizer if you want to assuage your feelings of guilt, but then send him on his way.
What an awful creature.

Yikes get rid

@scheffsm

DP is usually great but not so much when he has had a drink.

That's exactly what I used to say about my ex. I put up with 5 years of him staying out until 4 in the morning drinking several times a week. He was in a lot of musical groups and he didn't seem to be able to go out with the others to a pub for a couple of drinks and go home. He'd always be one of the last two to go home. He'd come in completely wasted, screaming and shouting at me. I'd be blamed for everything under the sun. He'd regularly break it off with me (as it turned out usually when he'd met some woman on the night out and fancied her and concocted some bullshit in his head that she was in love with him).
It just went on and on and I could not find the strength to end it for good because he was always so apologetic and would "behave himself" for a while after particularly bad incidents. He'd have excuses about his behaviour and claim he was "trying to improve".
I'm so angry with myself - it's been 18 months now since we split for good though he tried to weasel his way back in when my Dad died. I can see I was an idiot to be taken in by him and i wasted 5 years of my life on this shit who was never going to change.
BUT my life is so much better - on my own with my two cats.

Some men can be weird about cats. Ex loved the cats until he was drunk and would then start raging about them and saying they stank, they made a mess with their hair etcetc. I was spoiling the.
FFS. He'd also say everyone in the village laughs at you because you're a mad, old cat lady.
I had another ex who complained about the cats sleeping on top of the radiators and said he wasn't prepared to pay money to heat a cat up as they were stopping the room getting warm so wanted a reduction of his half of the bills because I should pay for MY cats using the heating......

Please OP, get this fucker out today. He will never be any better. He is not a good man. He has serious issues surrounding alcohol. You should not be subjected to verbal abuse in your own home. It ends up completely fucking with your mental health - one minute love bombing, the next being shouted at and called names. Please believe me - I know. It takes a long time to recover so the sooner you get someone like that out the sooner you can begin to recover and the less damage is done in the first place.

It is not your problem how the fuck he gets home. The facemasks are not yet compulsory on the tube. If he doesn't want to use the tube he can walk or get a taxi. He's not in the least bit concerned about his own health if he's drinking that much alcohol so you shouldn't be concerned about him either. He's big enough to get himself drunk during lockdown so he's big enough to get himself back to his own place.

As for the cats, it's completely normal that they sleep on top of people who happen to be lying on the sofa.
I love my cats and I don't give a shit if people call me a mad old cat lady. At least my cats have never come in rolling drunk and shouting abuse at me and they've never been to a brothel either.

Please op, listen to this one. She is you a few years down the line. She can be you at her five year mark - living in hell - or 18 months later where she is happy. But you and your son and your cats all deserve more.

@cakedup

No he never acts this way in front of DS. Even if he is in the middle of having a go at me when drunk (which he does quietly so DS doesn't hear) if DS comes in to the room he shuts up immediately.

So he can control it and it's not a result if being so drunk he cant control himself, hes a horrible prick, kick him out, and dont let him back

if he can control it as as soon as your ds is in the room then its even worse-he knows exactly what hes doing

He is abusive, get rid now. Walking on eggshells is no way to live, I've been in exactly your scenario and it's horrible. He will never stop, this will just ramp up from now on unless you bring your boundaries crashing down now.

I've been on the tube constantly in the last few months maskless and haven't caught anything so don't start giving yourself guilt for some imagined consequence, it's catastrophising. It activates your guilt channels and makes you the bad guy, you are not the bad guy, he is.

I echo everyone else. He has to go, today.

Do and say whatever you need to do to get him out the house. Tell him your DS heard him last night / pretend you just want him to leave for a few days / tell him your neighbours complained. Just get him out and then despite whatever he says or does for not ever let him back in your home.

If he will not leave then call the police. Yes its embarrassing and curtains will twitch but YOU have done nothing wrong.

Your DS will know what is going on. One of the most damaged human beings I've ever known was my Ex who spent his whole life (we met in our mid 20's) living with his mum and his stepdad, who was a drinker and systemically abused his mum.

While you are deciding if you dare wake him up just start packing his shit up. If you manage to get all done by the time he wakes up he can go home in a taxi with it all. (Assuming that's still possible with CoVid).

Gives him less time to argue and make a scene. Packed, then up and directly out.

I’d not be in a relationship where I’m treated so badly. Chuck him out and don’t have him back. He’s a twat. He really is. Being drunk does not entitle him to belittle you, make you cry and generally be a dick. What a horrible man. Get rid. Stay rid.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but he's bad news.

His thinking re your cars is incredibly warped and worrying. No sane man sexualises a cat

He's intimidating you in YOUR home, in your DS's home. You slept on your sofa in your own house last night because he was being an obnoxious git in YOUR bed

2 years feels like a long time I know, but it's really, really, not. This is just the beginning, before you know it, you'll lose the 'nice/fun' (on best player acting behaviour) and get more & more of what he was like last night

He's an adult, how he gets home is his problem. Wait until he wakes up and TELL him to leave. It's YOUR house, 'not going' is not an option. Call the police if you need to. You can call 999 and press 55 if you can't talk.

I know you'll say but he's fabulous most of the time & I love him... but you need to think past that! Most abusive men are nice a lot of the time, it's how they keep you Going back for more.

He is NOT a good man.

Get the police and ask them to remove this 'man' from your house. You should not be afraid to go back to your own home.

And FFS, you've had a massive, banner waving parade and laser lights beaming at you letting you know what his true colours are. End your relationship now.

Font be getting caught up in it and bleating he's horrible a few years down the line and FFS don't bring kids into it.