to tell DP to get public transport and go home

[cakedup]

DP is usually great but not so much when he has had a drink.

He kept telling me to fuck off when we were in bed last night so I slept on the sofa. Then this morning he came and started on me because I was on the sofa and he said it was weird the cats were sleeping on me. He kept going on and said it's over between us but I know he doesn't mean that. He kept mimicking me and then accused me of crocodile tears. I couldn't stand it any longer so I went out for a walk, luckily he was asleep when I got back.

It's going to be unbearable today. He will carry on being a dick until he sobers up and then he will apologise profusely. I just want to be left alone today but feel I'm stuck unless he takes the tube to his house, I can't ask him to do that can I?

He can make a provisional face mask out of an old scarf and some hairbands. Plenty of YouTube clips to show you how to do it. And yes, regardless of the rules, other travellers have a right to be protected against him.

Or he can walk. Who cares if it takes him all day?

In either case, not your problem. You have a right to a better life. Kick. Out. Now.

@cakedup

I will tell him to leave today. I can't keep doing this.

Only yesterday we kept telling each other how much we are in love. We are like soppy teens most of the time. He wants to get married.

So lovebombing then...

He is a horrible excuse for a man.

You deserve more.
Your DS deserves more.
Your cats deserve more.

I think if you stay with him, it won’t be long until he is physically abusive to you. He is abusive, treats you like crap, clearly hates your cats and is NOT in love with you. Of course he wants to get married, then he can control you even more and make it harder for you to leave his abusive backside.

Get rid of him. Block him on everything and don’t ever take him back.

Women have been in your situation and then the abuse gets worse and they end up dead. Do you want to leave your DS without a mother? I know you don’t.

Op what you are describing is what I lived for 11 years. It took me me a lot of strength to finally have the courage to break away from it with my two DC. He was always sorry and couldn’t remember what he had done after he had been drinking. He refused for years to believe he had a problem and also had personal problems going on that I felt I couldn’t share with anyone so I carried that on my shoulders and allowed it to excuse the way he treated me. It took me me such a long time to recognise the emotional abuse and looking back no I can’t believe I was living that life. He always said he wanted to stop drinking and promised things would be different but could never follow it through. I tried my best to support him and got him counselling but in the end he just couldn’t stop the pattern of behaviour. I know how you are feeling right now and because he such a lovely person without the drink you want to believe that things will get better. My advice would be to end this relationship now before it ends after years of sadness and self doubt. I appreciate how hard that will be to do but I wish someone had given me that advice years ago and my life my might be a little different now. You deserve to be treated with respect in your own home OP.

Take him coffee, wake him up. & say
"I want you out of my house today. This is not up for discussion".
Leave the room.
If he ignores & goes back to sleep that is all you need to know that it was entirely the correct thing to do.

Yes he’ll be so sorry and so lovey dovey when he wakes up - because he wants to manipulate the situation. Manipulate you.

Don’t let yourself be swayed by deceit like that. It’s bullshit.

Be strong. If he won’t leave, call the police.

You don’t even have to get into a huge discussion: this relationship isn’t working for me anymore and I want you to go back to your home.

Repeat.

If he won’t, police.

Be strong OP.

he wants to get married

Aye I’ll bet he does.

That should always be be a ‘we’ . It is all about two people when it is right.

Deep down you know it is all shades of wrong.

He is a hole.

You deserve so much better than this, if your sister or best friend was re-counting this story to you along with his recent alcohol fueled behaviour what advice would you give????
Please tell him to leave and not to come back. X

So sorry OP but all this sounds quite disturbing. Please do not accept or normalise this behaviour. Would you speak to someone you loved like that when you were drunk? I wouldnt. If anything happy people are super soppy when they are drunk. The comments about your cats gives me the creeps. Sounds like his mask is slipping when he's drinking. My ex and I were soppy most of the time but whenever drink came out it got snappy and nasty (him not me). Eventually it got worse. Tell him to go home, do yourself a kindness and use lockdown as an excuse not see him to give yourself the chance to think about it all. Give yourself some space from him and hopefully you'll see that relationships shouldn't be like this and that you deserve better. Good luck.

You know that all these posters are right OP. That kind considerate loving partners don't behave like this.

As someone said, what you see when he's drunk is his true colours not his sober self.

It's been going on 6 months? And he's been living with you for 3 months for lockdown? He can't keep his mask in place and it's slipping. Another 3 months he will behave like this sober...

However right now you are hurting (as you say) and you have three choices. I would put money on his abusive side coming right out when confront him.

1. let him sleep it off and wait for the shame to kick in (or guilt) and so his apologies will feel euphoric for you after his nastiness. You will feel such relief you will let it go.... and then it happens again maybe even tonight

2. end it- this will be what you know is what needs to happen but this option is the long game and will be messy and painful. It will make him aggressive ( at a guess) and leave you hurting even more for a good while until you start feeling better stronger and in control. Get your life back with you and your son.

3. some weird half way house of telling him to go home. He will be pissed off, aggressive probably and will try and wear you down until you can't take it and you let him stay.

Whatever you do keep your cats out of the way of him during any of these choices. And your son.

Im being harsh but Ive been there with this kind of man and the cycles he's going through.

Get out whilst you can. Choose option 2

Take care

Jesus he sounds pathetic. If he gets ill from the tube he can blame himself for acting like a five year old. Does he act that way and still expect you to have any form of attraction to him after he’s apologised? Bizarre behaviour and I’m 100% sure there’s someone better out there for you

The only acceptable level of abuse is zero.

The 'reason' for abuse is irrelevant.

He is at no more risk taking the tube than thousands of workers every day. In any event, this is not your responsibility.

Your DS will be picking up on this shit. This in itself is enough reason to get rid of him.

Never keep a man who objects to your cat(s). THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

My DP can be an arse when drunk, but nothing like this.

I'd be worried he's working round to you getting rid of your cats. Flaunting control. Then it'll be your friends you lose, then your son.

Nowt weird about stroking his leg and a cat at the same time. Mine's jumped on the bed when we're dtd before now. DP just raises an eyebrow and carries on!

Wait til he's sober then throw him out. We'll be here for you.

He sounds terrible. If he was really loving and cared for you then he would avoid drinking because he knows he'll have a Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde transformation and he wouldn't want to do that to you. He chooses to drink knowing he will be abusive to you when he does. He has shown you that drinkng is more important to him that you are. Get him out of your house and out of your life. You deserve so much better that this.

First 6 months - best behaviour, don't spend all that much time together, he can control his drinking and abusive tendencies
Following year - don't live together, still able to hide his real self from you, but also probably started to abuse and control you in some ways without you really noticing
Last 6 months - he's got used to you, probably thinks he's got you under his control, can't be bothered to control his alcohol abuse and abusive behaviour.

This is the real him. If he's apologetic after he drinks and abuses you then goes on to drink again then HE DOESN'T CARE that he hurts you. And yes - what he does and says when he's drunk is exactly what he thinks and feels. Of course it is.

He knows what he's doing and he is able to control it. He knows it's wrong because he shuts up when ds is there. He doesn't care or respect you.
All abusers have nice sides. That's how they hook you in. He talked it up 6 months ago and so far you took it.

I'm glad you are going to send him home. It's not acceptable.

cakedup

re your comment:-
"I'm sure DS has no idea"

Denial is a powerful force isn't it?. He knows cakedup that his mother is being abused by this man, he certainly knows far more than you give him credit for.

This man needs to be gone from your lives as of today never to come back. He will indeed probably further lovebomb you now into further submission but hold any and all resolve here to get this man out of your lives permanently starting today. If he did stay he will indeed in time get rid of your cats and your son when he turns 16.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

Please look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme and do this online for now. Abuse like you describe can take a long time to recover from and I guess too you met this individual (who targeted you really) when you were vulnerable and or otherwise in a low place yourself. Some abusive men too actively target single mothers and this is perhaps why targeted you also.

No he never acts this way in front of DS. Even if he is in the middle of having a go at me when drunk (which he does quietly so DS doesn't hear) if DS comes in to the room he shuts up immediately.

So he CAN control his behaviour when it suits then. It is not the alcohol that is the problem. He is the problem. LTB.

Ramped. Not talked.

And it's worrying that you think he won't leave anyway.

He shouldn't have a choice. Don't give him one.

The fact that he can turn the abuse on and off is very alarming. He’s not just a drunk, he’s a persistent, calculated abuser.

No matter how good the good times are, nothing, NOTHING, is worth the regular and unacceptable abuse he is putting you through.

Please please end this for yourself and your son.

No he never acts this way in front of DS. Even if he is in the middle of having a go at me when drunk (which he does quietly so DS doesn't hear) if DS comes in to the room he shuts up immediately.

So he's getting wasted when your son is around? Regardless of whether your son actually sees him abusing you (which he does! No doubt) he's being forced to put up with a drunken man in his house. That's disgusting to be honest.

You really, really are worth more than this. Take this opportunity to start again by breaking up with him You and your son and deserve so much more than the life you have now. Take care

OP you are scared to wake him up! What does that tell you???

There's some great advice on here. I would take it. Dont get into heavy conversations with him or rows. Just tell him to go.

Then when he's gone cuddle your cats, put your rubbish music on and have a good dance 🙂🙂🙂🙂!!!

OP, it’s so sad that your self esteem is that low. You would consider throwing him out for your son’s sake but apparently not for your own sake.

When you do finally get rid of this manipulative abuser, please don’t rush into a rebound relationship and repeat the pattern with another abuser. Take a break from dating and get some counselling, explore your issues with self esteem, boundaries, codependency, enabling of abuse etc.
You need armed with psychological weapons, have your self confidence raised, and be taught to recognise red flags, so you never get taken in and groomed by an abuser again.
Good luck. Find your voice and stay strong.

Agree with a PP:

We will all be here when you tell him to leave. The support will continue.

Sending strength to you - you can do it