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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Joint finances and step child

150 replies

Cheeseaandbiscuit · 05/06/2020 11:04

DP and I have two young children together. He also has one adult child (mid 20s). Our finances are joint.

I have just discovered DP has took out a £30 a month phone contract for his adult child for the next 24 months. AIBU to think he should have discussed it with me first?

At first I was a bit peed off. Firstly that he took the contract out without mentioning it, and secondly that she's an adult therefore I think it's unnecessary for him to be paying at all. I'm always happy to give a financial hand when needed but I think £30 a month for a mobile phone is crossing a line.

On the other hand I don't know if I would necessarily consult him on all purchases made for our DC so to play devil's advocate and look it at from that perspective maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. What do you think?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/06/2020 11:06

Would you discuss a £700+ for one of your shared DC? If so he should do the same.

Have you asked him why he’s doing it and why he didn’t tell you beforehand?

UnfinishedSymphon · 05/06/2020 11:10

The difference is the other two are both of yours, his son isn't. DP was going to give, not loan, his daughter £5k to pay off some gambling debts from OUR joint account without discussing it with me first. I was furious, we don't have £5 to lose

Epigram · 05/06/2020 11:12

I do think that he should have mentioned this.

However, if you have joint finances and step children, I think you basically have to accept that you may end up supporting them in ways you don't necessarily agree with. If you're not happy with that, I'd say don't combine your finances in the first place.

Love51 · 05/06/2020 11:14

Joint money, joint decision. Not one you can easily say no to, but it is really rude not to discuss it with you.

HugeAckmansWife · 05/06/2020 11:17

Mention it maybe but not ask permission as such. Unless £30 pm is going to cause a problem and going to mean you going without something I think it's ok. My mum gives me £50 pm to contribute toward my kids activities. I'm an adult but they like to help where they can. I don't think you can dictate that he doesn't help her without running it by you

Ineedcoffee2345 · 05/06/2020 11:20

You answered your own question. You wouldnt consult him about purchasing anything for your DC, why should his child be anu different

Original poster
Cheeseaandbiscuit · 05/06/2020 11:26

Joint finances were just to keep things easy as possible with bills. I do the food shops and buy any clothes etc the kids need. We're saving up for a house deposit hoping to buy ASAP so currently I've been treating every penny as a prisoner and keeping unnecessary expenditure to an absolute minimum. I haven't spent a penny on myself for months which I was happy to do for the long term gratification of a nice house for us. I think this is adding to my feeling a bit disgruntled.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 05/06/2020 11:28

Did he tell you or did you find out ? Was it fir a birthday or something like that ? Is the adult child paying him back but couldn't get credit so he did it ?

Original poster
Cheeseaandbiscuit · 05/06/2020 11:28

You wouldnt consult him about purchasing anything for your DC, why should his child be anu different

I never said I wouldn't consult him about ANY purchases, just not necessarily EVERY purchase. As a pp said it does collectively add to over £700 and with that much I would, without a shadow of a doubt, mention it before I spent it.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 05/06/2020 11:29

I'd expect him to mention. Or probably ask for my thoughts on this.

My thoughts are, £30 pm is a lot for a phone contract. I have an average phone for about a tenner. That's what I can afford. I presume it's a 2 year commitment too?

GabriellaMontez · 05/06/2020 11:30

This is for an adult not their shared DC!

Ridiculous to compare.

Original poster
Cheeseaandbiscuit · 05/06/2020 11:31

@notapizzaeater I found out, child is definitely not paying back and it wasn't a birthday gift or anything like that

OP posts:
SallyLovesCheese · 05/06/2020 11:32

@Ineedcoffee2345

You answered your own question. You wouldnt consult him about purchasing anything for your DC, why should his child be anu different
Because those children are theirs and the money is theirs. If they both kept some of their money separate then he can do what he likes with his. But if he's spending joint money then he at least needs to discuss it with his DW, regardless of what it's for.
BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 05/06/2020 11:32

@Ineedcoffee2345 because it isn't her child.

Her 2 children are also his 2 children. However his one adult child isn't her child.

OP he should of mentioned it. Personally I wouldn't take out a phone contract for any adult including a child but I would give an adult child the money. That way if they screwed up it would be their credit record they screwed up not mine.

Murraygoldberg · 05/06/2020 11:33

I suppose it depends on what you usually do, but £30, if someone told me I Couldn't spend £30, I would laugh in their face, but this is why I don't and never had joint finances. Maybe they are not for you either and you should have equal spending money and he could pay it from there

chubbyhotchoc · 05/06/2020 11:33

This is why I wouldn't have a joint account with my dh. I can see why you do though. He shouldn't have taken it out without speaking with you. She's an adult

SpilltheTea · 05/06/2020 11:33

You can't compare an adult stepchild to shared children ffs. I'd have expected him to say something about spending £700 on a phone for a grown adult from joint finances.

Waveysnail · 05/06/2020 11:35

I wouldnt begrudge my husband spending £30 a month on his child.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/06/2020 11:35

I see your point but I do wonder if finances are ENTIRELY joint isn’t this inevitable. Has he never paid anything to or for his daughter whilst you have been together?

TeaMeBasil · 05/06/2020 11:36

Murraygoldberg - it isn't just a measly £30 though is it?

It's a commitment to £30 a month for 2 years - that's over £700!

LellyMcKelly · 05/06/2020 11:37

You should have a joint account and keep some separate ‘fun money’. If he wants to spend a lot of money on his daughter it should come out of that. The point however, is that he didn’t mention to you that (assuming a 2 year contract) he was spending over £700 of your joint money on her without asking. Yeah, I’d be furious.

zingally · 05/06/2020 11:38

I don't think it's unreasonable for a parent to help an adult child out financially. Like Judge Judy says, "it's a child's job to take money from their parents!" I'm 35 and my mum still gives me £20 for "petrol money" whenever I visit!

That being said, your DP should have discussed it with you first, as £30 a month for 2 years is a considerable sum.

TeaMeBasil · 05/06/2020 11:38

I wouldn't necessarily begrudge my DP spending £30 a month on his child either - I would begrudge it not being mentioned when it adds up to a lot of money though & you've made an agreement to actively save.

TippledPink · 05/06/2020 11:39

You should give yourselves each money each month you can spend on whatever you want- then if he chooses to use some of his for his DD, then that's fine.

I have this with OH, we give ourselves £900 a month each to spend how we choose- then if he wants to waste it bailing out his 27 year old DD constantly I don't really have a right to get annoyed by it (although I still do a bit, mainly because I am the breadwinner and she is only a few years younger than me!). And he can save for his golf membership without it coming out of my money.

Murraygoldberg · 05/06/2020 11:39

TeaMeBasil, it's £30 a month, if a father needs to run that past someone, in my opinion that's crazy and it would not be something I would want to have to justify and I wouldn't justify it but as I said I don't like totally joint money

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