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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Joint finances and step child

150 replies

Cheeseaandbiscuit · 05/06/2020 11:04

DP and I have two young children together. He also has one adult child (mid 20s). Our finances are joint.

I have just discovered DP has took out a £30 a month phone contract for his adult child for the next 24 months. AIBU to think he should have discussed it with me first?

At first I was a bit peed off. Firstly that he took the contract out without mentioning it, and secondly that she's an adult therefore I think it's unnecessary for him to be paying at all. I'm always happy to give a financial hand when needed but I think £30 a month for a mobile phone is crossing a line.

On the other hand I don't know if I would necessarily consult him on all purchases made for our DC so to play devil's advocate and look it at from that perspective maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. What do you think?

OP posts:
ActuallyItsEugene · 05/06/2020 15:17

Which phones do you all have, on which network, to say that £30p/m is too expensive?
You must have gotten some pretty good deals.
My contract is £55 per month and I think that's relatively cheap!

Honestly OP, I couldn't begrudge my partner spending £30 a month on his child. She may be an adult, but she's still his child.
In the same vein, I wouldn't be asking my partner if I could spend £30 a month on my child.
If it were him buying her a top, a few magazines, a bottle of something nice... every month (adding up to £30), would you expect him to run it past you? I think the fact that it's a handset is muddying the water.

My dad still insists on giving me money to 'treat myself' every month or so. I'm much older than your SD.

If it's genuinely an issue with the money (and not the fact that he's spent on his daughter) then you need to have a talk.

Cuntycovid · 05/06/2020 15:20

@Cheeseaandbiscuit
Fuck that off he shouldn't be paying for an adult a phone contract every month , especially one who has plenty of disposable income
I wouldn't be happy with this at all , my husband has adult children that do nothing but try and scrounge off us , a very lazy entitled 21 year old lady about being the worse of the two
Iv put a stop to it all now me they get nothing unless xmas and birthday now
Put your foot down

ukgift2016 · 05/06/2020 15:23

I would not begrudge my partner doing this. You need to think carefully about what battles you want to fight...

ActuallyItsEugene · 05/06/2020 15:33

@Flittingabout Do you share finances? If not, it's not your business how he spend on his kids.

'In ways you don't agree with' Confused

ThePianist38 · 05/06/2020 15:41

Cuntycovid- they’re not yours so you will say that wouldn’t you??? and your DH is stupid enough to listen? if he earns his money who are you to tell him not to help his kids? lazy or not they’re his and they were on the scene before you

Many on here it seems they’ve stopped being parents when their kids reached a certain age.

ActuallyItsEugene · 05/06/2020 15:46

@Cuntycovid Again, who are you to decide whether or not your husband spends his money on his kids?
Adult or otherwise.

No one would be dictating to me what I could spend on my child and when. I hope he's not been so spineless as to go along with you 'putting your foot down.'

Lostmyshityear9 · 05/06/2020 15:51

I would talk to him and say that if his done this without you being consulted is his daughter going to pay for this each month. If not tell him that it's to be considered her birthday and Christmas presents for those two years

Why does the OP get to tell someone who is out there earning money what they can or can't buy their child for Christmas or their birthdays?

I don’t approve of subbing adult kids too much as it teaches them to become accustomed to a lifestyle they can’t support independently

What utter rubbish. My parents gave me lots of financial support in my 20s and supported my children when I divorced and lost just about everything I had ever worked for. I suspect, as an only child, I have been very much spoiled in comparison with many. I have never had an issue making ends meet and have never developed a lifestyle which is greater than my income. Indeed, I currently work 3 jobs to make sure my children have what they need - ex hasn't contributed in over 10 years now. And I have what to me is a small fortune in the bank now my grandparents have passed on but I have never touched it because I view it as absolute emeregency only money, not for spending on every day needs or nice to haves. Supporting me above and beyond has only taught me how to value what I have and to work hard to earn as much as possible. I saw how hard my parents worked to have what they had and if you could see my mum's house stuck in the 70s (it could be a film set!), you would understand that the reason they have some money is because they never spend it on anything unnecessarily. No way is that orange swirl carpet going until there's a bloody great big hole in it!

Don't make assumptions about situations you really know nothing about. We are all different. Giving children money doesn't necessarily make them unable to manage it - there are far bigger lessons you can teach as a parent.

curtainsforme · 05/06/2020 15:52

Imagine being a grown adult and not allowed to spend your own money on what you chose.

Flittingabout · 05/06/2020 16:10

I am allowed to have a different point of view. He doesn't have to listen to it/we don't have to agree but having an opinion on what our finances get spent on is my right.

Cuntycovid · 05/06/2020 16:17

@ActuallyItsEugene
@ThePianist38

Well actually I disagree with the pair of you , this 21 year old almost 22 has never had a job , stays in bed until 2/3pm in the afternoon has just been to uni and done nothing with his degree because in his words 'wont take a job that is beneath him'
Continiiuslt asks me and his dad for money
Why should he not work and be bankrolled by us ? Ask him why he doesn't want to work because he doesn't have to , lives with the mother and scroungers off her also
All financial support has been cut off now , he can get off his ass and get a job , husband is aware of my stance , continue funding him and I will go it alone with my daughter, I'm not a cash machine

ActuallyItsEugene · 05/06/2020 16:19

@Lostmyshityear9

Couldn't agree with you more! I'm an only child too and suspect many would deem me as spoilt.

I have my own money, my own home, my own car and I pay my own bills.
My lifestyle is within my means and I've worked bloody hard for it after going through some extremely tough times.

Doesn't stop my dad from wanting to give me things though. He enjoys treating his DGD and I, no amount of telling him to stop would make him (as much as I've tried.)

I don't know why but there seems to be a huge amount of jealousy on this thread from 'new' partners towards adult children. They will always be your DPs/DHs child, no matter what. If they want to spend on the DC then why shouldn't they?!
Parenting, nurturing, caring, providing and loving doesn't stop at 18.

Cuntycovid · 05/06/2020 16:21

Laxy entitled , demotivated I could go on and on and on
Told me and his dad we should pay for his driving lessons and buy him a car also
Was offended at the suggestion of getting a job
And all those saying he should be allowed to spend his money on what he likes not joint family money , our daughter is one year old also so we provide for her of course she is our daughter I'm not funding a lazy adult who by his own admission cant be bothered

ActuallyItsEugene · 05/06/2020 16:22

@Cuntycovid You don't have to bankroll your partners kids.
That's not reasonable.

I imagine he earns his own money though and is entitled to do with that what he wishes?
Or have you told him 'Give your kids anymore of your cash and I'm leaving you?'

Cuntycovid · 05/06/2020 16:25

@ActuallyItsEugene I have told him that I do not thinks its appropriate that his so who doesn't want to work and canr be bothered thinks we should give him money , do you not agree he should get a job ? Also he has never had a job, like ever

I earn 150k a year also , I started off cleaning toilets , you get in what you put out

Cuntycovid · 05/06/2020 16:26

Spelling is shocking typing in this phone apologies

ActuallyItsEugene · 05/06/2020 16:26

@Cuntycovid You keep taking about you funding DPs kids.

What I've been saying is that it should be up to your DP how much of his money he spends on his adult children.
Presuming that he's earning and is allowed a share of his salary.

Your situation is very much extreme though.
This thread is talking about gifts, not funding entire lifestyles.

Cuntycovid · 05/06/2020 16:28

@ActuallyItsEugene

You sound lazy and entitled also , touched a nerve because you sound like you enjoy living off your parents also

Cuntycovid · 05/06/2020 16:30

@ActuallyItsEugene

It is not the job of the parents/ step parents to fund adult childrens lives
Why would you have so little self respect to take off your parents anyway? Dont they deserve to enjoy their own money

You still havnt answered my question, why shouldn't he get a job?? The OP also advised that the phone was bought for an Adult child whom had plenty of disposable income

Cuntycovid · 05/06/2020 16:30

And me and my husband share money so Its coming out my pocket also

ActuallyItsEugene · 05/06/2020 16:31

@Cuntycovid This thread is about gifts, no one should be funding a capable adults entire life except that adult!

I found your initial response about birthdays and Christmas only a bit prickly. Can see now that actually the DC is taking the piss massively.

We've all got to start somewhere. If they don't want to try, they can join the benefit queue and enjoy all the experiences that come with being young on UC!
Don't blame either of you in that instance.

ActuallyItsEugene · 05/06/2020 16:37

@Cuntycovid I've worked my arse off since 16 to have what I have, if you read above you'll see. Own home, own car, pay all my own bills, can afford the nicer things in life.
My mum died traumatically in my arms 2 years ago and left me money behind. Not really living off her - I was sorted before she died and I'd rather her here if I'm honest.

But yes, my dad giving my DD and I gifts because he's a generous man is definitely the problem Grin
Not that I ever reciprocate.. oh no. He definitely doesn't live with us, definitely doesn't go on holidays with us, definitely has to contribute to food and running of the house, definitely receives nothing on his birthday, Christmas...

Alsohuman · 05/06/2020 16:43

@Cuntycovid

And me and my husband share money so Its coming out my pocket also
Seriously? The poor bugger doesn’t have a penny to call his own?
sunflowersandtulips50 · 05/06/2020 16:45

Getting gifts from parents or little treats is different from paying rent, bills or phone bills imo

MellowBird85 · 05/06/2020 17:23

Surely the whole point of successful parenting is raising your child to be independent and able to stand on their own two feet. Of course there’s nothing wrong with little gifts / treats but ongoing bills, contracts, etc. is something else.

OP, YANBU. He should have discussed it with you. This isn’t about “not having a penny to call his own”. It’s about basic respect that comes with being in a relationship and having joint finances.

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2020 17:30

I think a lot of the differing opinions come from people having different ideas of what having joint finances means. Me and my partner have joint finances but we still discuss pretty much anything we buy beyond a few quid. That comes quite naturally when you don't have a lot of money to spare, as anything you spend means you won't be able to spend on something else, which a lot of people on here saying it isn't enough money to be bothered about don't seem to understand. My parents also have joint finances, but as they are financially secure and always have plenty to spare, they don't feel the need to check with each other. OP and her husband are not in that position.

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