Joint finances and step child

[Cheeseaandbiscuit]

DP and I have two young children together. He also has one adult child (mid 20s). Our finances are joint.

I have just discovered DP has took out a £30 a month phone contract for his adult child for the next 24 months. AIBU to think he should have discussed it with me first?

At first I was a bit peed off. Firstly that he took the contract out without mentioning it, and secondly that she's an adult therefore I think it's unnecessary for him to be paying at all. I'm always happy to give a financial hand when needed but I think £30 a month for a mobile phone is crossing a line.

On the other hand I don't know if I would necessarily consult him on all purchases made for our DC so to play devil's advocate and look it at from that perspective maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. What do you think?

£30 a month is a lot for a phone contract, you can get a decent phone and loads of calls, texts and data for about half that, so is definitely a luxury if money is tight.

But it sounds like it's a symptom of a wider problem in that he's a spendthrift who's shit with money.

And unless his DD is really struggling, she should pay for her own phone, but if the OPs DH wants to pay for it, he should pay for it out of his own spending money, not family money. And the OP should have the same amount of money as he does, after all joint bills, child expenses and joint savings. OP will you have over £700 to spend on yourself over the next couple of years?

Maybe buying a house isn't a great plan.. You need to speak out or your finances are going between 3 adults and 2 dc...

What phones do you all have ? to say £30 a month is too much? you’re all stuck with Alcatel’s? he’s 20 yrs old not 50. My DD’s phone contract is £50 pm

I'd be unhappy. DP and I each have children from a previous relationship. Any money I spend on DD is from my money, not joint, and the same with his children. Fine if there was an urgent need and for some reason we had to consider using joint money, but only if it was explicitly discussed first.

I think it would have been better if he’d talked to you in advance, especially as you’re saving, but I also think that adult step-children deserve regular financial support wherever possible, especially in the current climate. Maybe it would be a good idea to factor that kind of support into your saving plans?

@ThePianist38 Not quite the point but my contract for a decent Samsung is only £15 a month.

I wouldn't be bothered about him giving some money or buying odd bits for his adult daughter without mentioning it. But this will cost him over £700 so yeah I think he should have mentioned it personally.

Depends if he’s doing it from joint money or personal money. We both have an amount of money every month that’s just our own to do with as we please.

We are also able to make individual decisions about joint money without consulting one another, as long as it’s not a big purchase- which for us would be £200+ as a one off or £50 a month recurring. It depends what you’d consider a big purchase really. Even then it’s less about the money and more about the fact it’s something we’d both likely be using, so we’d want to get something we both liked/suited us.

This wouldn’t be the hill I’d choose to die on. If he’d spent it on himself, maybe I’d raise it. Spending it on his child, even a grown up one, definitely not. As you’ve said yourself, you wouldn’t always consult him about purchases for your children, so that’s the established standard.

I would however have a good look at what my reaction to this was telling me and take action accordingly.

So if it was telling me that I wanted as a family, to prioritise saving more towards house purchase, then I would have that conversation. If DH was in a similar place, then that would mean reconsidering priorities and spending across the board, maybe setting targets and deciding sacrifices. I would have that conversation from a positive place though e.g. “I’m just realising how much buying a house together means for me and for our future. Can we look at how we can make that a even bigger priority for us?”. I wouldn’t link it to the phone and I would be open to the fact he might have different ideas, either about how important it was or what changes should happen.

Equally, if this is about transparency, or setting some limit to how much you spend without consulting one another, then either a positive conversation or just start being the change you want to see. Again, don’t link it to the phone.

If, honestly, it’s anything about the fact it’s a step-child or a grown up child rather than a young one, I’d be taking a look at myself. I mention the latter because your children together will always be younger than your step-child so it could be a covert way of favouring your own children without seeming to, even to yourself. And I’d realise it’d be best to explore that within myself or with a trusted friend with a view to getting to a better place about it, being fairer and more even handed in my outlook.

What phones do you all have ? to say £30 a month is too much? you’re all stuck with Alcatel’s? he’s 20 yrs old not 50. My DD’s phone contract is £50 pm

I have a Motorola G7 Power that's excellent for the money - I paid £75 on a black Friday deal, but the full price is around £140. I intend to keep it for at least 2/3 years. Plus I pay £6 a month for a Lebara sim which includes 6 Gb data and unlimited minutes and texts, so works out at around £10 a month, less if I keep the phone for longer.

£50 a month phone contract is fine if you can afford it, but it's certainly not necessary to spend anywhere near that amount for a decent phone and service so it's somewhere to look to reduce your outgoings if you have more important things to spend your money on, like house deposits.

Ask yourself - if it was £30 subscription for something for himself not his child, would it be a problem?
You need to decouple whether the issue is the money or joint money on his child.

For all these people saying she isnt entitled to have an opinion because SD isnt her child...
Maybe not.
But IT IS HER MONEY. So yes, she absolutely should get a say in how her money is spent!

Saying that, my issue wouldnt be so much the phone contract, more the fact your husband has done this behind your back.

Why cant she pay for it herself?

I do think your dh should have mentioned it to you, but did you agreeif he did? I do think once you are married, your step children should be treated same as your own. Do you think you would never support your own children when they are older?

I think if you are unhappy, maybe you should have separate finances. £30 a months is a lot of money, but not really, if you are supporting your loved ones.

@cuntycovid
She can, she's just quite entitled tbh. She's in her mid 20s with no kids. She has plenty disposable income

Is the child working or a student?
I'd be blown if someone told me I couldn't give my child a monthly treat for £30.
I think the issue is that you've hitched your wagon to a man child who can't manage his money. If £30 a month is genuinely a deal breaker in your finances then I probably wouldn't consider buying a house with him, you're not on the same page financially.

YANBU

Particularly given your update that you can’t afford £30pcm some months and everyone else has been cutting back to save for the house purchase and that he is bad with money.

I know why you don’t want separate finances as before he just wasted all his money.

I’d suggest all money going into one account - enough to cover bills, expenses for dependant kids, emergency savings and savings for the house then each having an amount left over if there is any left over.

I actually think you should take £30 for yourself even if it means longer until you can buy as it’s complely unacceptable that you have none of your joint money for yourself but he spends his on an adult.

DP and I have one child together and he has a DD from a previous relationship. Although neither of our children are adults at the moment I still don’t think one of us would sign up to a contract for either of them without discussing it first. Like many others we have a joint account for all bills etc and then personal accounts with our own spending money and yes if he’d have taken out a contract from the joint account I’d expect him to tell me. I would also do the same in a “I’m looking at phone contracts for DS, it’s £30 per month etc”. It would be nice to be in a position where £30 was nothing and could easily be spent each month without it needing to be discussed.

It would be just as big an issue if he set up a £30 monthy subscription for himself or even our other children on something unnecessary.
It's may not be a lot money to many. But it is if you don't have it. It seems I have a much better grip of our financal situation than him.

@JessicaDay

There's nothing wrong with her having an issue with this on the basis that the child is an adult. It is perfectly reasonable to not want to be paying for luxuries for an adult compared to a child, especially when you don't have the money to spare yourself. There IS a difference between paying for luxuries for a self sufficient adult in their mid twenties, compared to your dependant children. It's not "unconscious favouring" of the younger children, it is perfectly valid logic.

She shouldn't have to sugarcoat things and dance around mentioning the phone to him when he has repeatedly left her in the position of having to cover his bills for him because he had spent that money on luxuries for his adult child who is capable of working for her own luxuries. He should not be paying for them if he cannot even afford his own essentials as a result.

The only fair comparison would be if one of your child said they wanted to do karate class when already doing a regular activity.

Would you discuss it with your oh first or would you go ahead and sign them up to it because it was a given it was ok and mention it afterwards?

With or without the step child, joint accounts work best when you both have the same mindset with money. Otherwise they cause resentment. We have a joint account and a set amount into individual accounts.

Going forward you need to have joint account for bills, a savings account which you both sign for, and a separate basic bank account each for fun money.

He can then indulge his eldest from his fun money.

The issue here is not the amount. To some people £5 is a lot of money, to some £500 is just a drop in the ocean.

If I was scrimping and saving and working hard, not treating myself, budgeting and trying to secure a sound financial situation for me, my children and my husband and my partner in crime had a different / blase attitude, then I too would have a huge problem.

OP, does your partner have the same attitude towards saving that you do? Some people are not savers/ are a lot more carefree with money. ‘It’s there to spoil and enjoy’. Because if he was as committed to what you’re trying to do, he would have discussed this with you. The fact that he hasn’t? Tells me he potentially doesn’t view money (and the expenditure of it) the same way you do.

We're saving up for a house deposit hoping to buy ASAP so currently I've been treating every penny as a prisoner and keeping unnecessary expenditure to an absolute minimum. I haven't spent a penny on myself for months which I was happy to do for the long term gratification of a nice house for us. I think this is adding to my feeling a bit disgruntled.

I think this hits the nail on the head. It sounds as though you're on different pages.

I would have a wider convo about financial attitudes. I would never have a joint bank account with my DP for precisely this reason. I am a ‘saver’ (or Scrooge) as he has started to call me. Me? I am budgeting every penny in this lockdown as am bracing myself for financial instability and I’d far rather have a cushion than not. £30 a month on an adults phone bill whilst I am midst financial lockdown? I wouldn’t be happy to, not because of the amount, but because of the disjoint in attitudes. One is saving and saving. Whilst the other? Isnt.