Joint finances and step child

[Cheeseaandbiscuit]

DP and I have two young children together. He also has one adult child (mid 20s). Our finances are joint.

I have just discovered DP has took out a £30 a month phone contract for his adult child for the next 24 months. AIBU to think he should have discussed it with me first?

At first I was a bit peed off. Firstly that he took the contract out without mentioning it, and secondly that she's an adult therefore I think it's unnecessary for him to be paying at all. I'm always happy to give a financial hand when needed but I think £30 a month for a mobile phone is crossing a line.

On the other hand I don't know if I would necessarily consult him on all purchases made for our DC so to play devil's advocate and look it at from that perspective maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. What do you think?

I don’t think you should bring it up. Maybe he should have mentioned it, but he doesn’t have to get your permission to spend money on his child, no matter what age they are. Joint money means that your cash goes further and adds fairness for partners who can contribute less due to childcare/less career advancement etc. It doesn’t mean every pound spend has to be agreed together in advance. Unless you are really short on cash and £30 is a lot to you then leave it alone.

I have stepkids. Couldn't get wound up about £30 per month unless we really were struggling.

@aSofaNearYou I didn’t say there definitely was a problem with having an issue based on the child being an adult. I said do a bit of introspection and be sure it’s not a covert way of making a distinction that will forever favour their joint children. With some people it won’t be unconscious favouring. With some people, sadly, it will.

I also didn’t say she needed to sugarcoat it or dance around the subject. I just said don’t link it if what it has done is make her aware of something they need to address. It is probably best to try to avoid making the conversation highly emotive. Just because you’d want the conversation to actually be productive.

I said this because
A) as she has mentioned herself, her own behaviour isn’t always in line with a “consult one another first” approach- people generally tend not to like being held to different standards so that wouldn’t get a discussion off on a good footing.
B) Sometimes thinks might not be wrong in themselves as measured against the rules as they are in place at the time. But sometimes discomfort with an action that is fine by the current rules can let you know the rules need updating or refining. That’s usually best approached as a side by side thing rather than an adversarial fight.

It does also sound that overall, at best, their priorities are different. That does need some attention. There may well be areas which he sees as a priority and she doesn’t and vice versa.

Plenty of people do without to provide for children, even adult children. It is his choice if he wants to do that. It does become joint when his doing so affects the essentials for others in his household.

But that’s probably best addressed by taking a wider look at what is essential, what is a luxury and how to best budget properly, rather than making the phone a huge issue, which is virtually guaranteed to become highly emotive. A highly emotive conversation about finances is unlikely to solve much.

It really depends if you want to actually make changes that improve the situation or just vent.

And when I say “avoid making the conversation highly emotive” I just mean have a calm and considered conversation. It’s fine to bring emotions and feelings into it as factors, but not to act directly and unfiltered from a place of emotion.

Joint money means joint decisions. That's what a partnership means.

@Cheeseaandbiscuit

It would be just as big an issue if he set up a £30 monthy subscription for himself or even our other children on something unnecessary. It's may not be a lot money to many. But it is if you don't have it. It seems I have a much better grip of our financal situation than him.

Then you need to have a conversation with him about the money and ignore that it's for his daughter. If you truly have a problem with the money regardless of who it is for you need to talk about it.

OP he could have mentioned it to you at least. Especially because the ‘child’ is an adult. Also the fact £30 for a phone contract is expensive and tied in for 2 years. She could have bought a cheaper second hand phone and paid £10 for a rolling contract?

The concept of separate money when you’re in a couple, I do find a bit strange. You share a life, house and children but not money? Surely it’s about respect and you appreciate that the money is equal so be considerate when going on a spree...

My DH is stepdad to my dd1. I bought her a sofa when she was 24, one of those interest free 24 months one. I didn't ask him, I told him I was doing it. He pointed out that it would cost an additional £15 to get the matching chair too!
OP, do you both earn exactly the same amount of money? You're actually sounding a bit controlling over money. Why don't you just split the bills in equal proportions in relation to your incomes, including savings etc, then leave each other to spend their remaining money on whatever they see fit.

I find this tricky. His child is an adult. Having said that my partner also has older children and I love his caring side but also can get frustrated by spending on them in ways I don't agree with!

Unreasonable

Big picture . Phones are a lifeline .
A dad wanting to keep in contact with his daughter .
Its not like he'ssubscribing for Tinder dates

In this case I think you should have separate finances for bills, food and kids expenditure including his dd. After that any separate money is yours to do with it what you will. I also think it is a terrible idea to have joint finances when one partner is spendthrift which is why I would never have one with my dh.

I disagree with the whole kids are for life thing yes you will always be their parent but it doesn't mean you have to be financially responsible for them as long as they live. I want to equip my kids with the skills to be competent adults that can manage their own expenses as all adults should do. I am 33 and would never dream of taking money off my parents for anything. If I was hard up I am sure they would offer but I wouldn't want gifts/ handouts for the rest of my life nor would I expect them.

If parents are able they can help their kids as much as they can or as little as they want financially but only if they can afford too and it sounds like your dh can't if he is expecting you to then cover bills. That is unreasonable!

whys is he paying for a phone contract for an adult

she needs to stand on own two feet

330 a month isnt much for a phone but over 24mths is £700 so a lot

he should have discussed with you

*should say joint finances for bills etc.

It's his child and he can make any financial decisions regarding them as he wishes.

However as your finances are now joint he has an obligation to mention this to you as it effectively comes out a family pot and not his own account.

So I think he was slightly unreasonable to not mention it but I would never ask permission to do something for my own child

4pence

Oh come on, surely if the only way that the DD will keep in touch, is if her dad pays for the phone - esp when earning and plenty of disposable income - indulging that entitlement is not doing her any favours.

If credit check is the problem, she can save to buy a handset outright and then get a £10 SIM only contract.

This is what both my young adults did when they turned 18. Saved birthday and Xmas money for the handset and got a SIM only contract in their name.

They both have PT retail jobs, and whilst we don’t take board, and help in other ways, they both know they are responsible for phones and subscriptions such as Spotify.

Op, does he have guilt from not being with her as she grew up? Feels he owes her? Maybe point out that he is not doing her any favours, it would be different if you already had a house and easily afford it, but sounds like you can’t.

^Big picture . Phones are a lifeline .
A dad wanting to keep in contact with his daughter^

But it doesn't need to cost anywhere near £30 pm to keep in touch and it sounds like the DD has more disposable income than the OPs family, so there's no reason why she can't pay for her own phone.

In his position, if my husband/partner had the attitude towards my child that I would expect them to, I wouldn't have considered this a problem and would be rather perturbed to find it was being made into one, tbh.

I'd tread carefully over this unless you want him to start vetoing purchases you want to make for your joint children. Fine - and in this situation probably important - to have a discussion on principles over money and spending (for all the children), though.

she is not a joint child, so it is entirely different from spending joint money on the children you share

But he also goes out and earns his own money and as such, should be able to spend it as he sees fit? And realistically, why does the OP get to say you can't spend some money on your own child? There is a need to be careful or this becomes something of a financial control situation.

It is clear that there is a split in how people see adult children. I am personally of the view that I will always help out my children as long as I am able.

she is not a joint child, so it is entirely different from spending joint money on the children you share
From reading what the OP wrote earlier, with the finances were separate and they split everything for their joint children, she had no disposable income and he did. So there is an argument that going back to separate incomes with disenfranchise the OP more than her partner.

He should have discussed it with you.

But just why is he doing it for an adult in their mid twenties?

Does he plan to pay her water or electric bill next?

Dh and I are comfortably off, he took out a similar priced contract for his adult ds as a Christmas gift, £30 isn’t big deal for us but he still spoke to me about it and asked if I approved, it’s just respectful and quite frankly not doing so feels like your dh knows it was wrong hence keeping it quiet. If you are keeping things tight an extra phone contract for a working age adult is silly. Chances are this adult currently has more money to splash than you. I don’t approve of subbing adult kids too much as it teaches them to become accustomed to a lifestyle they can’t support independently, I’d rather put money aside to help once they’ve got themselves established and have learnt to live within their means. Then parents can step in and help pay for nice to haves like activities for grand kids or special stuff like a wedding or furnishings and home improvements.

From reading what the OP wrote earlier, with the finances were separate and they split everything for their joint children, she had no disposable income and he did. So there is an argument that going back to separate incomes with disenfranchise the OP more than her partner.

From what I read, she had no money left because she was paying for all the expenses related to the house and kids, and he had money left over because he wasn't doing that. He wouldn't always then have money to fairly reimburse her for his half of those expenses as he would have spent it on luxuries for his older daughter, or she would feel too petty to ask.

If she would be out of pocket by having separate finances, it wouldn't be for any fair reason.

30 quid a month isnt a lot but over 24 months it's a huge amount of money.

As far as I'm concerned it doesnt need discussion, if his adult child wants a mobile they can pay for it themselves. Or if your DH insisted upon paying it should be out of his own money, not shared money. Very cheeky.

I want to equip my kids with the skills to be competent adults that can manage their own expenses as all adults should do
You can do that and still want to treat them.

We don't know here if she begged her dad or mentioned her needing anew phone but having to get a payg because she can't get credit.

My kids are very independent and worked 20 hours + since being 16 whilst doing their A levels and Uni. That doesn't mean I don't treat them at times and will continue to do so.

I would talk to him and say that if his done this without you being consulted is his daughter going to pay for this each month. If not tell him that it's to be considered her birthday and Christmas presents for those two years. Given that it will be costing £360 a year think he can't argue that should more than cover it.