Joint finances and step child

[Cheeseaandbiscuit]

DP and I have two young children together. He also has one adult child (mid 20s). Our finances are joint.

I have just discovered DP has took out a £30 a month phone contract for his adult child for the next 24 months. AIBU to think he should have discussed it with me first?

At first I was a bit peed off. Firstly that he took the contract out without mentioning it, and secondly that she's an adult therefore I think it's unnecessary for him to be paying at all. I'm always happy to give a financial hand when needed but I think £30 a month for a mobile phone is crossing a line.

On the other hand I don't know if I would necessarily consult him on all purchases made for our DC so to play devil's advocate and look it at from that perspective maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. What do you think?

Why would you have so little self respect to take off your parents anyway? Dont they deserve to enjoy their own money

In my experience, part of 'deserving to enjoy their own money' is being able to spend it how they please, including doing nice stuff for their kids. What is wrong with that? If someone wants to pay a £30 bill a month to ease the financial burden of their child who is, say, paying London rent or trying to save for a mortgage or commuting to work from a long distance and is leasing a decent car....why not? Helping me out certainly gives my parents pleasure and knowing that my children have things they couldn't afford to give me due to their earlier financial constraints also gives them pleasure.

And you know exactly where you can put your 'lack of self respect' comment. Where is yours? Controlling your partner and his earnings whilst threatening you will leave if you don't get what you want?

@Lostmyshityear9 Cunty seems to have disappeared.

Wonder if it was something I said....

@ActuallyItsEugene
Disappeared? Ha ha my child wont feed herself
Iv read your last post, that's nice

@Lostmyshityear9 we are not funding his lazy children, no discussion to be had really, if he really wanted to thats upto him but he knows it's not a relationship.i would want to have. his decision really, you both sound very much you and poster previously mentioned that you have an inability to stand on your own two feet and hate anybody that has done well for themselves with scrounging off their parents, you have no shame at all admitting it either , sorry but I'd be embarrassed

@Cuntycovid How did you work that one out? Please point out my inability to stand on my own two feet, or my scrounging ways?

I'm very interested to watch what answers you come up with.

@Lostmyshityear9 let me explain more about the finances also
We share the money which was actually my husband's idea , so my salary and his both go in the same JOINT account , all the Bill's are removed from this account via direct debit , all shopping and household purchases and whatever spends we want
Just 5 mins prior to writing this I have taken a delivery of 2 x parts for a PC that my husband is building (299 quid) at no point did we discuss this purchase and I wouldnt expect to
He isnt financially controlled and far out spends me with his expensive hobby
The issue is I'm not prepared To be scroungers off by a work capable adult who could be earning his own money but refuses to because anything less than 50k a year is beneath him in his words

Why do presents only have to be small to be appropriate? Would two small £15 a month presents be acceptable?

A present in my view is something you give with pleasure because you know it will make the receiver happy. It's nothing to do with being scroungers and expecting to be funded by someone else. Its 2 different things.

@aSofaNearYou

Agreed and this was proposed out of their joint monies people seem to be overlooking that
Also the OP said that said adult child. big baby has plenty of spare money
If the child, adult , big baby was struggling then maybe that would be different
I would be ashamed to say my mum paid my phone bill. Sounds about 9 year old

Wow, how has this thread derailed so much.

It’s one of the things about money I find so interesting. Adult people refusing to have conversations and come to understandings about finances/ joint finances/ pots for personal expenditure / what levels of expenditure should/ shouldn’t be cleared with one another.

For me, this isn’t about whether the child is an adult. This isn’t even about the amount per se. It’s about both of these people getting on the same page regarding budgets - joint, saving goals and then individual buckets to do what they wish with.

If the OP had come on here and explained a similar set of financial circumstances and that this man was spending £30 quid a month on the bookies whilst she was working hard and saving, people would be up in arms. But suddenly because it’s to do with an adult child that isn’t hers, the responses (I think) are completely skewed.

If you are in a partnership, then it’s important to have clear joint financial agreements in place. And that includes discussing something like this. How that then gets called controlling? That’s beyond me tbh.

Some of these responses remind me of my DP’s EW and allegations she made during the divorce re his ‘controlling’ her via money.
It transpired that she had a credit card each month with a ridiculous credit limit to spend on, that he cleared each month. Bills etc paid from a different account. All he asked is that she tried to keep within a budget based on their family income.

That = him controlling her. No. Having an understanding of budgets - outgoings vs. Income and then a view on savings/ pensions/ isa’s etc is not controlling. It’s grown up. And if I was running a tight ship, like the OP, I would expect any ongoing commitment to an increase in outgoings to be run by me out of courtesy to our joint financial position.

Why do presents only have to be small to be appropriate? Would two small £15 a month presents be acceptable?

Two gifts of £15 a month would be inappropriate if as a result you don't have enough money to cover your bills or aren't committing to a joint commitment to save. It's about circumstances.

It transpired that she had a credit card each month with a ridiculous credit limit to spend on, that he cleared each month. Bills etc paid from a different account. All he asked is that she tried to keep within a budget based on their family income.

That = him controlling her. No. Having an understanding of budgets - outgoings vs. Income and then a view on savings/ pensions/ isa’s etc is not controlling. It’s grown up.

So he had the understanding of budgets like a 'grown up' and she was just given a credit card to spend? Yeah. That's controlling. Irrespective of how much the credit limit was.

So he had the understanding of budgets like a 'grown up' and she was just given a credit card to spend? Yeah. That's controlling. Irrespective of how much the credit limit was.
Agreed Classic controlling behaviour

Would you feel differently if it was your child that was being supported this way?

If it's a yes YABU. If it is no then YANBU.

I am 36 and my dad still gives me £20 when I see him for bits and pieces. I earn a living, own a house and have a child. It doesn't stop him from being my dad.

I disagree wholeheartedly. It’s controlling to say ‘please don’t spend three thousand pounds a month on the credit card, because our outgoings (with bills and mortgage etc) then total 5 thousand and I only earn 4 after tax leaving us accumulating debt of 1 thousand a month if you consistently shop/ spend at those levels’. That’s controlling?
(Amounts are made up)

Or is it ‘classic’ please grow up and please understand that there is a finite amount of money and we need to run our home within budget?

. The world has absolutely gone mad. Asking someone to be financially responsible and not take you into debt is controlling.

disagree wholeheartedly.

Well you would, you married him.

It doesn't change the fact that he had full control and she had none. Dress it up however you want, but he was absolutely financially abusive to her.

. The world has absolutely gone mad. Asking someone to be financially responsible and not take you into debt is controlling.

No. Having control of every aspect of the finances and only giving your partner a card with a limit on it controlling. That's what you said happened.

If my partner told me I couldn't spend £30 a month on my child I would say it was time to separate our finances and be questioning if I wanted them as a partner. I hope he has a will set up where all his children get an equal inheritance.

FYI £30/m is pretty reasonable for a new phone.

Didn’t marry him actually. And we’ll agree to disagree. This is why financial (adult) conversations and expectations need to be discussed up front. Like the Op on this thread.

Are both adults on the same page financially? And out of respect for their joint financial goals saying ‘x is the amount of disposable income we have and we have to stick within it or we get into debt/ don’t reach our goal to save for a deposit.’
Or does one adult have a view of budgets/ saving goals/ zero debt and the other think ‘what budget? I’ll spend what I want, when I want and if anyone tells me otherwise it’s controlling.’

More people need to have these convos up front. Me? I’m a budget person. And if someone says to me ‘money is tight, we need to spend less’ I wont view that as controlling, if view it as eminently sensible and pragmatic.

I only spend £28 on my phone so what are people getting for these high amounts? (Tangential).

A PP has nailed it I think when they mentioned how one defines joint finances. It isn't, for me, about amounts, it is about whether the partner has enough left after paying for a regular DD to his adult child (if not in a time of hardship but just every day life) to contribute to bills and savings etc.

£30 a month isn't a lot. Personally I think it's fine. He should have mentioned it, but perhaps didn't because couldn't face/would have felt angry about your reaction?

I'd be angry if my partner told me I couldn't give my older child £30 a month. I'd say fuck off and not have shared finances.

Ah Zombie just said the same as me (in a nicer way! Sorry - it just hit a nerve 😬) (I had a partner who took the light bulbs out of one of the bar lights in my child's room so less electricity was 'wasted')

I think it is totally fine for him to help his child, if they can afford it but it sounds like they can’t really. It’s not very fair to expect OP to go without to supply his child with a luxury - an expensive phone contract isn’t a necessity, I have a smart phone on a sim only contact for £10 per month. And lack of communication is an issue too. My DP pays his daughters phone but we can afford it and he discussed it with me first. His son (26) asked him to become a guarantor on his flat and we discussed it first and refused as we couldn’t afford the rent if he defaulted, he was very angry but we just didn’t have £750 per month to pay his rent if he fell sick etc. We felt terrible refusing but unfortunately we just don’t have the money.

Exactly, Plancina that's what everyone seems to be missing, is that it sounds like this family can't afford an extra £30 to pay for something that the SD can well afford to pay for herself, and even if she couldn't, she doesn't need the luxury of a £30 contract, there are plenty of perfectly decent phones with full service for about £10-15 pm all in.

And I can't believe that people are saying that it is 'controlling' to need to stick to a budget. It would be nice if everyone was able to spend all they liked without thinking about it, but the reality is that most people can't and if anything is controlling, it's spending family money that's needed for essentials on personal luxuries, to the detriment of family finances, as it generally puts the partner who's trying to make the budget work in a position of stress and worry.

Nobody is saying sticking to aa budget is controlling
as long as the budget is jointly agreed

Well the discussion about ‘budgets’ is the whole point about this OP. And hence why I’m saying people / partners need to have these convos up front and understand where they sit re budgeting. Do they agree with the concept of finite amounts of money/ living within their means? Or do they hate that prospect?

I have friends who earn good money but are constantly in debt because they splurge on what they want when they want. The debt doesn’t seem to bother them even when it appears that they’re only paying the interest on the debt / or they just keep moving the debt from one interest free credit card to another. Budgets are not for them, life is too short (so they say). Would I join finances without someone like that? No. Never. Why?

Because that sort of behaviour would cause me sleepless nights and countless stress. I would say that the vast majority of the population have limited budgets. Asking your partner to stay within them is surely common sense and how most people operate if finances are joined?

If anyone finds it controlling/ distasteful, then go out, earn your own money and spend it all you want. Accrue debt in your own name and then dig yourself out of a hole. As many of my friends are now having to do.