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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Joint finances and step child

150 replies

Cheeseaandbiscuit · 05/06/2020 11:04

DP and I have two young children together. He also has one adult child (mid 20s). Our finances are joint.

I have just discovered DP has took out a £30 a month phone contract for his adult child for the next 24 months. AIBU to think he should have discussed it with me first?

At first I was a bit peed off. Firstly that he took the contract out without mentioning it, and secondly that she's an adult therefore I think it's unnecessary for him to be paying at all. I'm always happy to give a financial hand when needed but I think £30 a month for a mobile phone is crossing a line.

On the other hand I don't know if I would necessarily consult him on all purchases made for our DC so to play devil's advocate and look it at from that perspective maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. What do you think?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 05/06/2020 11:41

Why can't you just talk to your husband, and tell him, ok he has done this, don't make big deal of it, but ask him to just let you know before he does this again.
Tell him you will also make sure you tell him of anything over £50 in total that your thinking of buying for your children.

Jeremyironsnothing · 05/06/2020 11:44

It's a bigger deal just because you are actively saving and cutting back.

relievedlady · 05/06/2020 11:44

Mm
Joint finances here too with our won two dc.
I have a young adult dc that no longer lives at home.

Dh has always paid half of everything inc with his step child etc as all treated the same.

We both financially supported dc through college and once he was earning he would pay a small amount of keep while still living here including his gf three nights a week.

When he moved out we bought him furniture and dh spent days laying carpets and building furniture for them.

We have no need to support him financially now however I wanted to pay a gym membership for him each month
It's a nice thing to do and encourages fitness.

Said to dh about it who didn't bat an eye lid and it comes out of our joint finances.

It's always mentioned on here when the women have dc from previous and a partner moves in etc people are quick to say he should take on the kids as well inc finances as you come as a package.

It's no different.
I get it's an adult dc but still his child none the less.

When ops kids are older I'm sure you will do similar because that's what we do.

It's £30 a month. No big deal

RedskyAtnight · 05/06/2020 11:44

Would it be ok if he'd spent £30 on a phone contract for himself without discussing it with you?

user1487194234 · 05/06/2020 11:50

He should probably have discussed it with you but I don't think it's unreasonable to pay for a child's phone ,I pay lots of bits and pieces like that for mine.
But then again I am not saving up for a new house

Tricky,I think a discussion would help iron out the difficulties

curtainsforme · 05/06/2020 11:57

This is the problem with joint finances. Unless you are ok with the other party spending money then joint fiancées isn't for you.

I have had finances joint with DH for almost 20 years and not on e has either of us had to 'ask' to spend.

MitchellMummy · 05/06/2020 11:57

We have separate accounts for this reason!

mindutopia · 05/06/2020 12:01

I think this is why having joint money and personal money is a good set up. You pay your joint expenses from your joint account, but if you each have personal money proportionate to your incomes in your own accounts, then your dh can pay for whatever he wants to for his dc out of that money.

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2020 12:04

Yes of course he should have discussed it with you, for many reasons.

  1. she is not a joint child, so it is entirely different from spending joint money on the children you share, plus you've already said you would have spoken to him before spending this amount on your joint children anyway.
  2. she is an adult, so it isn't a given you would be covering this cost and any such aid given to adult children should be discussed in my opinion. It's also a very lavish gift - £30 a month is an expensive contract and I do think that is a bit much to spend on a phone for another adult. If she was struggling and desperately needed a phone, £10 a month should have been enough.
  3. you are actively saving. Taking out a £30 monthly contract for somebody else, knowing you are supposed to be saving and everybody else in the family has been making sacrifices, is really cheeky and unfair.

At this point I would be looking at some degree of separated finances, perhaps the "fun money" idea others have suggested. Though realistically if you are both supposed to be committed to saving then he simply should not have done this, period, and I would be quite angry.

AriadnesFilament · 05/06/2020 12:04

Your joint finances are now tied in to a 2 year commitment. It doesn’t matter what it was for, that warrants a heads up/chat first.

HappyDinosaur · 05/06/2020 12:04

I think it sounds as though he is being a good father, kids are for life not just the first 18 years, I am sure he will be the same with your joint children. He should have mentioned it maybe, but it doesn't seem a big deal. If you share finances you trust him to be sensible, as does he with you, so he shouldn't need permission as such.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 05/06/2020 12:08

To be honest as a mother of a 24 yr old I wouldnt dream of paying for his phone contract. That seems very odd never mind your OH not telling you about it. What else is he paying for his adult DC?

Alsohuman · 05/06/2020 12:13

If he had his own money this would never have arisen. It’s the main reason we’ve never had joint accounts.

Plancina · 05/06/2020 12:13

My DP has three adult children from a previous marriage and he’d definitely discuss this with me, he does actually pay one of their phone contracts and sends another one money each month as she is at uni and I think it’s absolutely right that he support them as much as he can but of course he should also discuss this with his wife, communication costs nothing, and saves this sort of issue.

Windyatthebeach · 05/06/2020 12:14

Tit for tat.. Its too late to say anything without appearing the bad guy.
Get something for you op... Make it around £30 a month. Gym? Magazine subscription?
Beauty treatments?
He will have to suck it up.

DarkDarkNight · 05/06/2020 12:16

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. If your finances are really tight then maybe it should be discussed, but £30 a month isn’t a fortune. It’s still his child adult or not. He’s allowed to spend money on them.

I’m not of the opinion that you shove your children out in to the world at 18 or 21 and never give them a helping hand again. It’s a nice thing to give your children a helping hand or a treat regardless of their age.

Original poster
Cheeseaandbiscuit · 05/06/2020 12:19

The joint finances worked out the best for a few reason;

  1. I buy everything for kids/house. At one point we both paid 50% of bills from our separate accounts but it ended up meaning he had his leftover money for him and every penny of mine was going on the kids/house. He didn't have an issue giving me money towards stuff for the kids but he could only do so if he hadn't already spent what he had. I would feel a bit petty to say "I bought DD a t-shirt at £6 from supermarket, can you give me £3 towards it." Sounds silly but we all know the few quid here and there fast can add up to majority of your money after bills.
  2. He was terrible with money, most of it went to his adult child. So he would be paid and keep giving them money, almost always for luxuries - nights out etc. This is absolutely fine and his perogative if he had the money but he didn't. So he would hand over that much of his wages that when it came to his bills coming out, he often didn't have enough to cover them so I'd end up having to transfer him money from my account.

We aren't massively high earners. We aren't skint because we (well I) try to live within our means. So to those saying it's only £30 a month, some months we have it to spare but other months the car needs MOT, it's one child's birthday and the other one needs a new coat and shoes. Months like this £30 isn't just £30

OP posts:
sunflowersandtulips50 · 05/06/2020 12:20

A helping hand is one thing but paying for an adults phone contract is another. I paid for my DS contract when he was uni and it was transferred to him when he got a job. I dont expect to be supporting my adult DC when there working.

AdultierAdult · 05/06/2020 12:20

My husband is stepdad to my DD (although she is only 12 and he's been in her life a long time). I spend and then tell him (I manage all our finances though he's the breadwinner) and he doesn't mind one bit.

I think it depends how much £30 is to you. I've discussed it if we were to buy her a new piano or pay for a ski trip - though he always just says "it's up to you" - but probably wouldn't discuss a monthly £30 payment. But, again, I handle our finances!

Standrewsschool · 05/06/2020 12:20

Probably should have mentioned it. If he had, would you have kicked off, said No, or agreed to it? Maybe he didn’t mention because because he knew you wouldn’t agree.

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2020 12:20

but £30 a month isn't a fortune

Surely that depends on your finances? That would be my most expensive subscription and it could be a genuine strain some months.

Original poster
Cheeseaandbiscuit · 05/06/2020 12:22

@Windyatthebeach
Precisely why I haven't discussed! As much as I've love to get something for myself, as I said above I'm saving as much as I can just now so ultimately I'd be cutting my nose of to spite my face Sad

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 05/06/2020 12:22

Just seen your update. Definitely should have mentioned it, instead of playing Disney dad.

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2020 12:25

Your last update makes him sound awful OP, and like he has continually made paying for luxuries for his adult child your burden to bear, as you are left to bail him out. I would go 50/50 to cover bills and your joint kids expenses, and keep any extra separate.

ThePianist38 · 05/06/2020 12:26

Is his child, do you not spend £30 a month on the other children?

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