Inheritance . Who's right.

[Cheeseismymiddlename]

DH has 4 children. I have 2. He bought a house with a mortgage 5 years before I met him. When We married I became a joint mortgage holder with him on the property. Mainly because the house needed a lot of improvement and without my income he / we could not have afforded home improvements. I earn at least twice as much as DH. 5 years on from when I moved in we have had a joint account so everything we both earn has been put together and everything we have spent on the house has been paid from this one account.
My ex DH has remarried and I have no idea what kind of legacy he will leave our children.
My own DH's ex wife is a home owner too and no other children but she has also re married. Neither new partners have children.

But this evening my. DH has decided that my own children have " eroded" his children's inherence. I argued it's the other way around as now I am leaving "my half" to 6 children and not just 2 .
I know he spent 5 year paying the mortgage without me but since we married I have contributed 100 per cent of my salary to the joint account and therefore paid towards new kitchen, new bathroom, updated hallway etc .
He's lost sight that his own children will (or will not inherit) from their Mum. That's not in our control but what is the same is that both new partners of our Ex's do not have children.
He's adamant my children are "stealing" from his. I'm inclined to think it's the other way around if analysed . But up until today I was happy enough to go with the arrangement of a simple 6 way split of everything.
The only other variable in the scenario is my ex Husband is potentially better off than DH's ex wife but given we cannot control variables outside our own finances we should only be concentrating on what he and I can control.

If you are still reading, we are also arguing about the level of support I want to provide while mine go to Uni . Both mine are likely to go. None of his did and he cannot see why I should support them through. I don't want to start carving part of my salary off into another account but he doesn't understand I have financial responsibility to my children he never had.

OP, joint finances when you have joint children are sensible. Doesnt matter who earns more; if you have joint children then you both have their best interest at heart and will both support them as much as needed.

You do not have joint children. You were both financially independent. You do not need joint finances, especially when one of you has decided that his kids should be getting the most inheritance even though he has more children and less income. In his head, your income is how his and the house you have paid half of is still his and should all go to his kids.

Your children are just an inconvenience when it comes to his children's future inheritance. He might love and care for them in the house at the moment, but if you die your kids wont be getting anything.

You love him and you want to stay with him and that's great; but your kids really should come first. That share in the house belongs to you. Your money belongs to you. There is no need for joint finances as you have no joint children and both earn enough to live without the others help.

What you do with your money post death is your choice. You could leave it all to a cat if you want. But you want to leave it to your children so you just sort that out now. As in, get it started today. If something happens to you tomorrow, he gets your money and then his children will get your money. Protect your kids if that is who you want to have your money.

Take the apology but still get legal advice. He might have realised he pushed it too far and decided just to keep his mouth shut.

You need to sit down and discuss that you will be helping your kids through uni and how your going to separate finances accordingly.

Getmeoutofhear2019.

That sound perfectly reasonable to me.

I'm glad you're getting legal advice OP, this sounds like rather a mess. You've got 2 separate issues going on here, and neither is straightforward!

You definitely need to tackle the Uni thing first. I suggest you make a proposal to him for exactly how you think it would work e.g. does it basically come out of "your" spending money/savings or equally out of joint money, or something between the two? I can see from his point of view that it is a lot of money if his didn't have it - my parents didn't have this issue as my sister and I both went to Uni, but I know my mum totted up what she put towards it, and as my sister was cheaper (I went for 5 years, she went for 3) she got the difference added towards her deposit on her first house. It might be reasonable that if it is coming out of joint money, joint money also makes a pot for similar amounts to go to his DC for deposit/wedding whatever. If it is coming out of your money, then there is no need for this.

Inheritance - it does sound like there's a danger of your kids getting shafted if you pass earlier and your assets all pass to your DH. Ask your lawyer about protecting your children's rights. I assume you can talk to your DH about options and come to some kind of arrangement? If you can't agree, then you might have to do some complicated book keeping to work out what you've both put in over the years and, if necessary, be prepared for a legal battle for what's yours.

Only you can decide how far you want to push this. We don't know enough about your marriage/the amounts involved to know how much damage you would be prepared to do to your marriage to protect your kid's rights. But if you disagree, you have to get it nailed down legally, I really wouldn't just leave it and hope it'll turn out all right.

Legal advice and revisiting your will sounds like a very good move here. It should be independent of him.

I don't know what sort of savings you have but I would be looking at putting some of yours into your children's names now.

*Fuck that he sounds horrible. I would change the will, your half divided by 2 and his half divided by 4.

And make sure you are protected in case you die first because you cannot trust him to look after your two.

Separate accounts immediately and only contribute 50/50, not a cent more.

Then you are free to sort out savings for your own kids for uni and let him do the same.*
I agree...
I don't think you have any other viable options really apart from divorce given that he's made his views very clear.
It sounds as though he doesn't like your children, and certainly doesn't have their best interests at heart. This would be a massive concern to me, if I were you.

I don't know why the bold letters failed in my post above!

I echo what everyone on here says. I had property before I married my husband. The house we then bought together has us as tenants in common with me owning 70% to reflect my investment. He has a son from a previous relationship and we have one DD together. Our wills leave our share of the house in trust - my share will go to my DD, his split between DD and DSS- with whoever outlives the other being able to stay in the house until they die. Anything else is unreasonable surely?

@Plancina please think further about your wills.
Neither of you are protecting your child’s inheritance against future events: the surviving partner re-marrying someone who then outlived them. E.g suppose you tragically meet an early death, your DH remarries (men often remarry quite swiftly after the death of a partner), he then dies and his new wife (who has kids of her own ) inherits everything including your original share of the house... you think your child would get fair treatment in her will? Your child’s intended inheritance might even end up paying for new wife’s care home.

I have seen 3 of my friends receive no inheritance after surviving step parents remarried. In fact even when the step parent didn’t remarry.

Leave your assets to your Dc with a life interest to live in the house for your DH. And he can do the same.

When someone shows you their true colours, don't try to repaint them.

Why would he think you would be dividing 6 ways between your children?

If you are doing this, treating all the children as jointly both of yours, then I'd expect this to extend to support during university too.

If in fact finances are separate then you should leave your half of the house to your 2 children.

Not to mention other separate finances. Eg contributing a portion of salarys.

He cant have it both ways.

Solicitor. Convert joint tenancy to tenancy in common. Lasting Power of Attorney, with someone reliable other than/as well as your DH acting. Will ditto re executors, making your position clear. Financial review on pensions and savings.

Divide everything by 2. Half for you , half her him.
Your half divide by your children. His half divide by between his 4

Well, it seems like your DH landed on his feet when he got with you!

He already had a house, but couldn't actually afford it, so you picked up the slack? Now he's arguing about how you support your kids?

Honestly, OP, he sounds like a grade A dick.

It's nothing to do with the sexes - if the sexes were reversed in this scenario, I would obviously still say that a man in your position was being grossly taken advantage of by the woman and that the woman was not a nice person. Good luck OP.

One thing I will say is that I don't feel financially abused. I don't see it any different as to when the man earns more and it all goes into joint finances. Well, not until today at least

Usually the man earns more because

• the woman has taken on the major share of domestic labour
• the woman has taken maternity leave to care for his children
• the Woman works part time to care for his children
• the woman has damaged her career prospects, income and pension because of the above - caring for his children and running his home.

None of the above apply to your husband in your situation, do they ? Has he done any of these things to facilitate your career and better earning power ?

In addition you have the complications of him having more children than you, the you ( possibly ) not owning your home and very different views about supporting children through uni.

Whatever the sensible legal / financial solution, the language he uses, your kids ‘eroding’ his kids’ inheritance is horrible.

Spilt the house in half.
Half for his kids. Half for your kids.
But then he also takes back his 5 years for his kids.
Then take your own respective money and split it between your own kids.
You dont give his kids any money.
He doesnt give your kids any money.

If you want to put your kids through uni do so. It's nothing to do with him.
The fact that he didnt put his kids through uni is not your problem.

Sometimes when you are trying to merge families you just have to keep some stuff separate. Usually inheritance and uni funding etc. Simply to prevent these arguments.

Your weariness towards solicitors will cost your children their entire inheritance if you don't overcome it. It's not enough to just think about taking legal advice or use a service because you're in a step/blended family situation. You need to seek professional legal advice for your kids' sake, not put this man and your own reluctance first.

Apologies are just words unless backed up with, 'You're right, let's make an appointment with a professional and make sure this is fair for everyone.'

You're burying your head in the sand.

What about his argument that your children shouldn't be supported at uni?

This sounds like trying to hang onto a relationship with someone you know doesn't see you and your kids as family, but his kids as a his real family but is happy to take what you can give.

His comment about your kids' 'eroding' his kids' inheritance, here is what that truly means: it means 'This house is actually mine and your contribution to it (no matter that I couldn't have kept the house without it or maintained it or added value to it) is secondary to MY house.'

I really hope you wake up soon.

Thinking about this more... I think I can understand why he has come to this conclusion. He is totally wrong because he has chosen to miss out important info but I can see it.

He might be thinking that if you had never moved in then his 4 kids would share his house between them. You moved in and now there are 2 other kids who will get 50% of the house. He sees it as his kids inheritance being stolen away.

But he is looking at that info in a vacuum, which makes him totally wrong.

You moved in and paid for renovations, increasing the value of the property but also giving him a much nicer home to spend his life in. You then split the bills which gives him more disposable income to enjoy his life (or save if he wants to give his children a cash gift). You also share your much larger salary with him, so that's another even bigger increase in this quality of life.

He wants to eat his cake and have it too.

He wants the nicely renovated house, the cheaper bills, the bigger savings and the extra disposable income your salary provides but he also wants to keep "his house" solely for his children. It just doesnt work like that.

The house is no longer his. It isnt funded by his money alone. It wasnt renovated with his money at all. It's your house just as much as it is his. It is not longer his children's inheritance. Half of the house is, if that.

You need to make that clear. And you need to start having a joint account for joint expenses and joint luxuries, but separate accounts for your own money. That way, he can do what he likes with his and you can do what you like with yours, including supporting your children as you see fit.

As you don’t have children together I would try and separate your finances. Each pay for half of bills and each pay for their own children’s presents/clubs/university etc. I am presuming all children are adults/nearly adults.

You can then leave your half of the house to your children and he can do the same with his half. You can also support your children with university out of your money.

Absolutely prioritise your own children here as he seems to want to disregard them

I have also seen a friend receive no inheritance because the stepparent got the whole lot. Was a lot of money as well. The stepparent spent a lot of it on her own children. They got help buying houses, cars, you name it. Then the CFs had the nerve to rub it in my friends face, shaming her for not being in the same financial situation as they were. It was my friends family money in the first place! It’s so unfair. Imho you would be crazy as a parent not to take care of things fairly in your will.

Count your blessings, OP. Your DH has already shown you his true colors. You still have time to fix this.

I think everyone is right, go get your will sorted.
Your DH will never find out, but if you die before him you will have covered your children's future.
Also your pension, leave it too your children name them. it is not included in your will.
If you have the right house insurance your mortgage gets paid off anyway.
I think you should tell him that as he doesn't want to pay for your children to go to uni, that your going to set up accounts from your extra wages, and pay into them for the uni as you don't want to use HIS money to pay for your two.
Also leave this money too your children.
He has shown his true colours, no need to divorce, but after all your agreeing with him.

Just to mention as well, if you have any important bank statements showing your financial transfers, please copy them and get them placed on your legal file with your Will.

The banks only keep records for so long (last I heard it was ten years) and if someone else (say a 2nd wife) is left in charge of financial affairs, its a lengthy and costly process for your family/children to get their hands on the proof.

Just make it as easy as possible for your children to prove who did what down the track... and yourself of course. :)