I don't think I am BU with my view on Black Lives Matter?

[doglover65]

I am an active social media user and since the BLM movement gained more momentum I began posting more and only about this.

I will preface this by saying I am mixed race - my mum is white British, my dad was born in Kenya although my heritage is mixed that side, not African. My dad came to the UK (granted citizenship following my Grandad's service in the RAF) and was raised British despite his dark skin - he has no cultural aspects beyond a few specific dishes he can cook relating to his heritage. He was encouraged to fit in and therefore different cultures were discouraged to protect him. I am completely British in every way I act. I suppose for me, growing up, I have been very confused.

I remember the day I realised I wasn't white, I was sat in front of my mirror in my bedroom and was so upset - I hated my dad for it. I have only suffered a small amount of obvious abuse such as being name called a 'paki' but I also represent the current 'ideal' look - I am olive skinned, I have dark British textured hair, I speak very Southern British, and I tan easily. So there's always been a conflict, in some ways people idealise my skin colour but I have also felt a disassociation with my culture. I've witnessed my dad being called the 'n' word in our Home Counties town. I've realised people did treat me differently growing up.

So when I educated myself more on BLM over the past few years - I felt so upset. Whilst I cannot truly understand what black people have gone through, I have still experienced racism in the UK and always been dismissed when I spoke up.

Now that this movement has gained voice I made a statement on social media that silence is a form of compliance - I truly believe this. I suppose I have a few reasons and there are caveats:

• my friends who are also active on social media - who must be to have seen me post my point about silence - were happy to post donation links and information on Run 5, Donate 5, Nominate 5 for NHS.

• they are happy to share stories /posts about bikinis, competitions, make up etc.

• they often send funny memes

• why would you stay quiet? if you're reading things, why not share how useful they are for others, or at least the donation link.

This has caused an issue with two people (or those who have been vocal) both white and extremely privileged (parents own million pound houses, bought them their first house). The first is the fiance of my best friend - he is an absolutely terrible person regardless (if she posted on here people would tell her to run. he wants to come on my hen do to monitor her!) so I just responded reasonably and we agreed to disagree.

The second was my best friend. I said to her why I felt the way I do and she said she just disagrees. We left it as I didn't want to argue. But when I shared another BLM post she sent me the rolling eyes emoji, I thought this was just rude now. She said she doesn't agree with the post.

Now AIBU to feel the way I do? I am so confused now about my friendship.

I am another one who won't post anything on my social media pages of a serious nation, I will always call out people in various groups I am in.

I read and digest a lot of what my friends put, but I don't feel the need to interact like that on my private pages.

The eye roll emoji tells you who she is.
I'm mixed race (although not black) and I almost never post political stuff on social media, so keep silent on almost everything.
I don't think it means I'm compliant, even when it affects me (or half of my make up).
My SM is full of my white friends posting stuff about BLM (I haven't actually seen anything from my black friends, which I think is odd).
But out of about 300 fb friends, all but about 30 are silent.

My first ever post. I honestly do not get how your BF can roll her eyes at you for this. I did not grow up with any black people as I come from an ex comunist country (so not many foreigners at all growing up). And only ever saw a black person when I first went to Uni, only have a black person as a friend(not purposely, just life) , so not in a very mixed enviroment so to say, but have always been aware of the struggle people of colour go through, always saw they face racism on a whole diff level. I don't live under a bloody rock. Is she blind to the wold, completly oblivious of you being mixed race and having string feelings about this? While it might hurt you to lose a (supposed) best friend, I would honestly try to avoid her at this point. If even having a mixed race person as a friend has not made her take notice of reality, I doubt she ever will. Pls stand for what you believe in. Hugs

I do call out racism as I see it but I do not post or share things on FB, partly because that's not why I use FB for but mostly because my work contract prohibits anything like that. I'm not allowed an opinion on certain things on social media. I am not complicit. My online presence has nothing to do with my offline work.

Rolling of eyes is something else entirely but silence on social media =/= complicit.

Sorry for typos, 7yo kept interrupting 🙂

@Frazzledmrs Your post was very nice to read.
I’m black (Angolan)but my daughter is mixed (her dad is white).
Sometimes I worry that as she grows up, she might feel like she doesn’t belong.
I hope that as she grows up, she can meet people like you. 😊

What you have to understand is that ANYTHING a white person does currently is wrong - not acknowledge - wrong , post something - wrong. try to understand - you can't because you are white , blah blah blah . Look at all the celebs who have had a lashing because of this . Just WTF are people expected to do ?

@doglover65,
I’m sorry your friend was so dismissive.
She doesn’t seem like much of a friend.
If she cared, she would have called you and spoken to you do hear what you had to say.
It was a chance for her to learn from you.
Live is too short to be surrounded by people who do not value you or your experiences.

@FrodoTheDodo my stance remains - silence is compliance - but the silence isn't just social media (as I said in OP it has caveats) such as people not using SM, I explained in my post (it was a long written one) that not engaging or attempting to engage is how this has lasted for so long.

That's what I said.

In reality I do think it's shady to not mention a thing if you're still posting pics of your iced latte in the midst of this all.

I've come to the conclusion that being silent is being complicit. I try to choose posts/memes that aren't rude in the way they explain things but I also think that social media is one way to have our voices heard. People don't have to agree with you but they can just keep scrolling then. Everyone's voice matters and dialogue is important to society. Unfortunately, I think that many of us are now seeing some friends and family members in a new light and we'll have to sort out our feelings over time.

@Unionistmum that's so nice of you! Thank you. I have to be honest and my dad never felt he belonged but that was the 60s and nothing like today. Even then he was constantly accepted and admired, he just never appreciated it, things were complicated.

The idea that silence is compliance can of course be correct in some circumstances, but it doesn't always hold true. I don't believe it's the case because I haven't made some kind of public statement on what little social medial I use, that I'm compliant in systemic racism. I don't use it as a platform for any kind of agenda really, other than keeping in touch with friends and family, and occasionally here chipping into a debate.

I think there's a danger that the weaponised use of "silence is compliance" is just going to drive more division.

It is difficult as a white person to know how to respond. As I am anonymous here I can say that the footage of the murder of George Floyd gave me a disturbing nightmare, without being accused of virtue signalling as no one knows who I am. Should I remain silent in the face of injustice and brutality? I am aware that I am a person with advantage. An individual might bully me or commit a crime against me but the institutions of society are on my side. The police would see a white middle class granny and protect me, the courts would listen to me. America was built upon stealing land from the natives and bringing people from Africa to exploit as slaves. The wealth of Britain is linked to Colonialism and the slave trade. Black people have never been fully emancipated, the very structure of society does not work in their favour. Injustice and stereotyping persists. When I speak about this am I being patronising? Am I not allowing people to speak for themselves? I don't know. I do not know what to do. Last night while posters on here were arguing about virtue signalling and semantics I saw posts on a facebook page called The Manc ( for people from Manchester) full of venom, lies, hatred and blatant racism. Language changes. I am nearly 70, I may not be up to date with language. What was previously seen as rude becomes the right term to use. I try to use my vote to redress inequality but it needs to go deeper. I need to examine my own prejudices too but honestly is it better to keep quiet or make a fuss? I can only try to imagine the fear of black mothers and grandmothers who love their sons and grandsons.

This is a difficult one, because twitter at the moment is awash with people saying "let black voices be heard" "Let black people speak about their lived experiences" etc (which I completely agree with!).
So in my case, it's not a case of being silent and in compliance. It's that I don't think I am qualified to comment over people who live this every day. I WILL call out ignorant comments and racism from friends, if I see or hear them.

I don't think, given the eye rolling emojis, etc, that that is your friends case. I actually don't think she sounds a very good "best friend".

I haven’t posted anything on sm - I never post anything political. I don’t think social media posts help anyone. Most people operate on social media in silos of like minded people anyway.

What I have done is listen and watch - interviews and articles. It is uncomfortable viewing/reading, and it should be. The discussion is uncomfortable because the status quo is convenient for white people and the answers are not simple.

@doglover65 Have you considered buying your friend a copy of White Fragility? I’m assuming she’s trying to shut you down because she’s hoping you’ll return to being the person she knew before, not an activist. This doesn’t make her a bad person, but it does mean she doesn’t want to hear you - because you speaking differently makes her feel uncomfortable - she’s probably never considered you as a POC before. I hope you can resolve it.

blissfulllife Thu 04-Jun-20 12:44:18

My child told me something this last week that really struck me. If we stay quiet you allow it to continue, if we speak out we become part of the cure. For every one person who you can help to see racism in all its forms and have them understand it better...that person will go on to educate another person on this. And then that person passes on that knowledge to another etc etc and eventually...hopefully...one day...it won't exists anymore.

She's eleven x

That is one very smart and insightful little girl you have there!! Very wise beyond her years!! x
Kudos to her, and to you (for bringing her up to be the wonderful young lady she is).

@CoronaMoaner

*I have not posted on it because I've noticed white people being criticised for posting about it. The black screen profile is apparently wrong now as is using the hashtag. I would like to post my support, but I won't because of the above.*

Same experience here.

Maybe they are afraid they‘ll ‘get it wrong’ so say nothing.

Precisely this.

I asked on another thread how can white people step up without getting in the way and got told to educate myself - so that was helpful.

I think many people are trying to do the right thing because we do support you and stand with you, we just don't know what the right thing is, particularly on social media. In real life I will always call out any racism that I see. I will always call out any racist posts on sm but to post my own views - is that the right thing to do?

[quote doglover65]@FrodoTheDodo my stance remains - silence is compliance - but the silence isn't just social media (as I said in OP it has caveats) such as people not using SM, I explained in my post (it was a long written one) that not engaging or attempting to engage is how this has lasted for so long.

That's what I said.

In reality I do think it's shady to not mention a thing if you're still posting pics of your iced latte in the midst of this all.[/quote]
Do you really believe silence is compliance? Do you post about every atrocity committed? If you don't does that mean you are compliant in that act?

If I post a meme on social media does that make me ok in your view even if in reality I turn a blind eye? Conversely, someone doesn't post on social media but is compliant in your view but then takes a stance in everyday life.

Just posting for the likes isn't doing anything is it?

It does sound like she is not your friend, but you should definitely try to talk to her about it.

A lot of white people feel terrible about all this. We are made to feel responsible when in many cases they gave never consciously been racist. Many don't see their white privilege because most people barely get by in life, it feels anything but privilege. I really don't want to make this about white people, but a lot of the words we use for the debate feel very harsh and some people feel very defensive as a consequence, even though they want equality for all. I understand why the language is so harsh, but I think going forward maybe bringing people together and using more neutral language could help.

White privilege feels like an insult until you look into it, maybe a better term would be more like white advantage?

This is a difficult one, because twitter at the moment is awash with people saying "let black voices be heard" "Let black people speak about their lived experiences" etc (which I completely agree with!).
So in my case, it's not a case of being silent and in compliance. It's that I don't think I am qualified to comment over people who live this every day. I WILL call out ignorant comments and racism from friends, if I see or hear them.

^This 100%. I think calling our racism whenever we see it is what everyone of us needs to be doing. But I feel exactly the same, that I'm not qualified to comment and really want to understand and to know how best to help and support.

Re your friend's comment and emoji, YANBU, OP, she isn't a friend.

Unless t's something you'd feel happy shouting on the steps of the town hall, don't post.
it only allows those who want to be offended, to be.
Even when you are right, or just your opinion can get taken out of context.
Also, very few people only have true friends on sm. They are maily associations, colleagues, people you know vaguely.

You’re absolutely not unreasonable OP. Literally every person I’m good friends with has been very vocal about this issue. Silence is compliance.

I think the term "privilege" has actually been a massive disservice to many causes. Most of the people it is aimed at don't actually have privilege as a result, they have an absence of discrimination. I think that's a big difference.

If you say to someone they enjoy white privilege, or male privilege, I think it does suggest that they are better off and you can see why many can't understand that if they are actually living very hard lives.

If however you say someone doesn't suffer discrimination because they are white or male then that's true, no matter what else is going wrong they aren't also.suffering discrimination on top.

Also if people don’t want to post stuff on social media that’s fine - but talk about it in real life, call out racism when you see it, check in on your friends who may be affected by it. Don’t send an eye roll emoji, that’s disgusting.