I don't think I am BU with my view on Black Lives Matter?

[doglover65]

I am an active social media user and since the BLM movement gained more momentum I began posting more and only about this.

I will preface this by saying I am mixed race - my mum is white British, my dad was born in Kenya although my heritage is mixed that side, not African. My dad came to the UK (granted citizenship following my Grandad's service in the RAF) and was raised British despite his dark skin - he has no cultural aspects beyond a few specific dishes he can cook relating to his heritage. He was encouraged to fit in and therefore different cultures were discouraged to protect him. I am completely British in every way I act. I suppose for me, growing up, I have been very confused.

I remember the day I realised I wasn't white, I was sat in front of my mirror in my bedroom and was so upset - I hated my dad for it. I have only suffered a small amount of obvious abuse such as being name called a 'paki' but I also represent the current 'ideal' look - I am olive skinned, I have dark British textured hair, I speak very Southern British, and I tan easily. So there's always been a conflict, in some ways people idealise my skin colour but I have also felt a disassociation with my culture. I've witnessed my dad being called the 'n' word in our Home Counties town. I've realised people did treat me differently growing up.

So when I educated myself more on BLM over the past few years - I felt so upset. Whilst I cannot truly understand what black people have gone through, I have still experienced racism in the UK and always been dismissed when I spoke up.

Now that this movement has gained voice I made a statement on social media that silence is a form of compliance - I truly believe this. I suppose I have a few reasons and there are caveats:

• my friends who are also active on social media - who must be to have seen me post my point about silence - were happy to post donation links and information on Run 5, Donate 5, Nominate 5 for NHS.

• they are happy to share stories /posts about bikinis, competitions, make up etc.

• they often send funny memes

• why would you stay quiet? if you're reading things, why not share how useful they are for others, or at least the donation link.

This has caused an issue with two people (or those who have been vocal) both white and extremely privileged (parents own million pound houses, bought them their first house). The first is the fiance of my best friend - he is an absolutely terrible person regardless (if she posted on here people would tell her to run. he wants to come on my hen do to monitor her!) so I just responded reasonably and we agreed to disagree.

The second was my best friend. I said to her why I felt the way I do and she said she just disagrees. We left it as I didn't want to argue. But when I shared another BLM post she sent me the rolling eyes emoji, I thought this was just rude now. She said she doesn't agree with the post.

Now AIBU to feel the way I do? I am so confused now about my friendship.

I’m sorry you bf turned out to be a racist twat. That must be incredibly painful

We choose our friends formany reasons and generally it's a package deal. We cant demand our friend share our views and nor should we seek validation from friends, that's a dependency not a friendship. The events on the US are shocking and should promote much thought on our society and what we want it to be. Justice and opportunity for all is is what I feel we should be aiming for but I don't necessarily think that my lack of social media makes means I'm failing or complicit in injustice.

But when I shared another BLM post she sent me the rolling eyes emoji

She is not your friend and that is more than just rude.

It's really difficult, I have mixed heritage. My grandad was Nigerian, my grandma and mum white British. To be honest I never knew my grandad to 'act' anything other than British, he was British. He grew up in Nigeria which was part of the British. His favourite shop was M&S, he spent his weekend doing the football pools, he did a great impression of Alan Sugar firing people. Theres no way to act black or white, we might come from or be influenced by other cultures but I think sadly not enough people have friends from different ethnicities and think their homes, behaviour and intetests must be so different from their own.

It's hard being mixed and sometimes easy to forget we're a growing ethnic minority of our own. I've met very few people that have a black and white grandparent and two white parents. I'm easily white passing, my brother less so. Especially when you grow up and have different experiences and perspectives, there are always new things cropping up.

But people have a different experience and don't know how to accept your difference. You need to distinguish between those that accept and those that ignore, there's a difference. It sounds like your friend is the latter. I used to have friends that spelled my name with an apostrophe after the O' as if my Nigerian name was Irish, still makes me chuckle but ultimately they wanted me to be Irish more than Nigerian and they were terrible friends in the end. I was only a teenager. Or like my husband I don't even think he thinks about it but he's quietly got on with championing diversity where he works, acknowledging his privilege unasked and I think his BAME colleagues and reports appreciate his support and acceptance. Sorry a bit long but you're not alone, I don't think you could find better friends.

i wouldnt ever do that to a friend

but i have stayed silent as theres alot of heigtened tension atm whther white poeple should or shouldnt say anything

Argh wish I could edit that I DO think you can find better friends! Definitely

I haven't posted anything on the matter but have liked some posts.
Some posts I think are over the top and I'm allowed that opinion.

A friend posted yesterday that she has noticed all of her white friends who haven't posted in relation to the movement and is judging them accordingly.

She can judge me as she wishes, I know I am not racist and I dont see how by not sharing things that it makes me racist.
If she wishes to delete me because of it then I will be thankful the trash has taken itself out.

I understand there is a line white people are taking where they don’t want to sound like they are jumping on the blm band wagon and infuriating the BAME community.

But honestly I think silence is not the right line to take. Unless you are a Tory voter. In which case it’s hypocritical.

We all need to fight for this, not just people in the BAME community. It’s everyone’s fight.

@monkeynuts no not quite as I know some people are still taking it in.

I said that people who are still using it actively and are just continuing in their old ways - not interacting with posts, reading them or even thinking about sharing the donation link despite saying "but I donated!" Is the issue.

Sorry I haven't been clear as I didn't want to post my exact text in case it was outing or google-able!

I said that silence in general - not necessarily social media - is wrong. That you should interact ie read the posts and the articles people are sharing. Not that you HAVE to post.

I do think it's weird for people who say they agree or have donated to stay silent when they post copious amounts of crap on Instagram day in and day out.

The rolling eye emoji was in response to a post I shared from an influencer of the people with protest boards at the protests.

She said she doesn't agree with the whole message.

Either she's not your best friend or it's her boyfriend's influence. The rolling eye emoji would be a deal breaker for me I think. I'd be tempted to ask her to articulate why she doesn't agree and see if she just parrots his views.

But how do you know people haven't read the posts or articles? You don't. I came off SM years ago for many reasons but one was that I was pissed off with the crying face emojis on very serious high profile matters and trite phrases coming from people that won't even remember the persons name in a few weeks.

I found the 'i'm engaging with this issue' by posting an emoji and sharing articles to demonstrate how much I care (but I don't really) far more offensive than people not commenting at all.

I have not posted on it because I've noticed white people being criticised for posting about it. The black screen profile is apparently wrong now as is using the hashtag.
I would like to post my support, but I won't because of the above.

Sorry I've confused you. Two different best friends!!

The fiancé is not the fiancé of the other girl. They don't know each other.

@frodothedodo I don't know if they have that's why I didn't mention anyone specifically. I just said "for anyone who hasn't engaged it saddens me..." and went on.

I am white and my daughter is BAME (she is adopted). Cute photos of DD = 100s of likes. Talking about incidents we've suffered = 10s of likes. Posting the experiences of a British black man = 1 like.
YANBU

You have to decide for yourself if you want to stay "friends" with folk who have other views, OP. I don't think you should ask us to decide what are your red lines & what you can agree to disagree about.

fwiw, if I read what you posted, I would take it personally: you're calling me complicit about tolerating disgusting views because I'm not a vocal activist against them. I just don't have the energy to jump to your tune. Yes I am incompetent at life and can't fight against all the injustices in the world. I don't care if you think that of me since you've already said some horrible things about me. I would not say anything but fairly sure I would unfollow you on SM.

Honestly, I just feel awkward and like I am trying to appropriate a movement as a white woman where I don't fit. I've donated, and I've been reading things but I feel awkward and like I am.getting things wrong if I post. I'm not trying to be complaint, but I genuinely feel overwhelmed by everything and a little helpless and empty when it comes to helping. I don't tend to share lots of charity links unless I have specific lived experience. I do try and call out bigotry where and when I see it but I struggle with the backlash you can sometimes get (I've had some when I've supported other causes more publicly) and I feel uncomfortable. We're it not for lockdown in Wales, I would join a protest to show solidarity. But I feel a bit awkward. By degrees I am becoming more aware of my own privilege as I get older, and I try to tackle it where I can but it sometimes feels like I'm tilting at windmills.

You're not being unreasonable for how you feel, but I can understand why your friends aren't sure what to post. At the same time, sometimes we need to hear the harsh truth about our relatively comfortable lives.

Lots to learn, lots to change. Can feel overwhelming.

To clarify, not your supposed BF and the rolling eyes. More the people not posting/ not posting yet. That was rude and dismissive.

I have not posted on it because I've noticed white people being criticised for posting about it. The black screen profile is apparently wrong now as is using the hashtag.
I would like to post my support, but I won't because of the above.

Same experience here.

Maybe they are afraid they‘ll ‘get it wrong’ so say nothing.

SM isn’t always the best place to have those debates. You were brave to try.

Talk to her properly offline. Maybe it’s been a miscommunication, maybe she’s a vile and shallow person, maybe she’s actually harbouring racist attitudes. You need to know for sure what’s happened and see if it’s a miscommunication before you write her off.

You're changing your mind now OP, you said you thought silence was compliance, then said no, SM silence wasn't silence, you just wanted people to read etc but didn't need to comment on SM. Now you're saying that you saw lack of comments as 'not engaging which saddens you'.

So..you did want SM comments and in the absence of that, you thought people weren't engaging with the issues. Which isn't true.

I don’t post political stuff on social media really - just not what I use it for. It doesn’t mean I don’t have political views or support certain causes, and I know quite a few people like me.

You neee to get better friends. Regardless of whether they agree with something or not, no good friend would post rolling eyes emojis onto a topic their friend feels passionate about.