AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons

[Theladyofshalot]

Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.

Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.

My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.

My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.

The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.

10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)

FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)

With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.

FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!

I currently have 11 missed calls from him.

*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter

@Theladyofshalot

On reviewing the .gov calc the payment he would owe on the wages he pays to himself out of the business and with the other kids there would have been no way that would have paid for uni anyway even backdated - it's a moot point really.

If everyone really feels that money should have been hers ill happily pay it to her out of my savings.

It is not a moot point at all. It doesn’t matter if he only pays for example 3 k over the next x amount of years, this is 3 your dd doesn’t have to find or get into debt over.

Sorry, but I agree with him. I'd have split things three ways

If it was my money ie money I had control over and had inhertited free and clear I probably would to.

However as it's in a trust with the deceased DH family still involved and antagonist towards the OP - I really don't see how that is an option.

I guess, to look on the bright side, your DD does benefit through having a nice house to live in and you having the stipend. So it isn't all bad for her. The problem is her nasty idiot for a father. In all senses. But I would just ignore his raving. There would seem to nothing you can do about sharing the financial support from the boys' father (for that's what it is). And nothing the greedy idiot can do about it either. I would, however, be saving up a little nest egg for your daughter. You could suggest he might want to contribute to that?

You sound like a great mum btw!

The simple fact of the matter is, that the trust has nothing whatsoever to do with your daughter. You need to have a conversation with her about it at some point, that the boys have money because their father died and that it was put into trust for them and them alone.

Your FWB is clearly a complete dickhead if he cannot understand that.

I totally agree with other posters, that you should go after him for CSA now , if he wants his child to be provided for. If you don't need it, then put it away for her for when she is older.

So basically your ex husband has paid to bring up another man's dd anyway by providing a roof over her head that he should have been contributing to.

Your ex is dead
Money is for living

Your FWB is a twat
BUT In your position I would have absolutely financially planned for my daughter to have as similar as possible as my son.

Sorry, but I agree with him. I'd have split things three ways
The money was placed in a legal trust 10 years before the daughter was born...

@MarmiteOnToastAndWine and how would you do that when the money is in trust specifically for her sons as a result of their father's death?

* I doubt OP can even access it or use it without showing what it's being spend on.*

Agreed

However where there is a will, there is a way.

So - if I was I was OP, as soon as I discovered I was pregnant with my third I would have started financially planning so she could enjoy the same as her brothers without drawing on the trust that wouldn’t be available to her.

Presumably the OP has saved a lot of money due to the trust.

The boys aren’t living at the house anymore when they go to uni so I would downsize.

In short - there is a way in the OP’s Situation but it involves sacrifice as planning from day 1

I don't think it's fair to put emotional pressure on the boys to split their inheritance. However I would try to correct some of the disparity in any will and through help which may be given. I would talk to the boys and your daughter about this so there are no secrets. There is nothing worse than feeling forgotten. FWB has no right to comment and I'd be pointing this out.

Your DH's family are greedy assholes and your DD's father is a deadbeat prick.
OP, you may not have needed the CM and I understand that you chose to follow the path of raising your DD independently and alone but that man still has a financial obligation to support his DD, especially as he is still in her life.
Claim CM on principle.
As for your sons, their inheritance is theirs alone. It's for you and Deadbeat to provide for your DD's future.
YANTA. He is, massively.

There is nothing worse than feeling forgotten
The girl has not been "forgotten" by her brother's father, he never even knew her and would have no obligation whatsoever towards her even if he were still alive.
They're half siblings, in very different circumstances. It happens.

Say
"I have thought about it and you are right, she is treated very unfairly. My sons father provided for them and you are an utter failure of a man"
Then pursue lost maintenance and save for your daughter.

There is nothing worse than feeling forgotten

And don't you think that's her actual father's responsibility? You know, the one who hasn't paid a penny towards his daughter, but who thinks that someone else should pay for her - that she should be entitled to a share of an inheritance from a dead man who had nothing to do with her?

Tbh your husband died whether u were together or not. U have another child your child. U should pay for private school and if on a low wage get a discount if able?

Bloody hell, Op can't split the inheritance from her husband 3 ways, it's not hers to split!
Op - get after your DD's father for the maintenance. If he keeps pestering you with multiple phone calls it's harassment so deal with it accordingly. Hopefully your DD understands the situation with her brothers, but it not make sure she does now. Before her father starts trying to poison the relationships in your family.

Your poor daughter, make him pay maintenance and put that in a trust fund for her.

@Juliet2014

Your ex is dead Money is for living

Your FWB is a twat
BUT In your position I would have absolutely financially planned for my daughter to have as similar as possible as my son.

But that would only be possible if the OP had surplus income available to do that. Most people can’t afford private school for their children. The only reason her sons did was because their father died and a trust fund was set up.

@Healthyandhappy do you have any idea how much private school costs? And are you missing the fact that OP's daughter was fathered by someone else after her husband died, which is why the inheritance has nothing to do with her DD?

OP do you have any savings for your DD in place?
Would you not consider trying to claim CM and put both savings and CM together on a separate fund for her?
It’s a very difficult situation but I’d also hate for one of my children to get less and would try to sort something out myself.
XFWB needs to calm down and understand your hands are tied in regards to your sons trust fund, other his other children also going to private school?

@Marnie76

The op has been living mortgage free with the trust paying for her two children.

Once I knew I was pregnant I would have started planning. Downsize my home. Save.

The OP has had very limited expenditure for 18 years. She could have saved. Plus I’d be talking to the boy’s schools head. I would be completely open about the situation. The boys have been there for years, fees paid in full throughout. I’d be seeing if there was bursaries available.

I am a single parent on a low income and no family support whatsoever.

I secured a 90% bursary for my son.
And my daughter will start in September on a 70% bursary.

I had to work dog herd to get this far. But I did it.

No matter your reasons for not claiming maintenance it isn't your money to reject. You should have taken it and saved it for your daughter for when she is older.

So he pays nothing but thinks he has a right to decide anything to do with anything that costs money? Dick.

@Theladyofshalot

AITA - Am i an AHole?

YANTA - You are not the AHOLE

I should point out my kids are awesome. I have a simple happy life, normally drama free and i am blessed with a job I love which means we have the means to live a comfortable life. DHs family are not part of my life anymore so i keep contact with them to the bare minimum (dont get me started on the rights of grandparents issue sigh)

This is a snapshot of a single bad day - and a few on my past that were corkers. XFWB will just be calmly told to go see his sol its his money to waste.

Me and my daughter are going to have a movie night and a low key chat about all this.

A movie night sounds like a great option, Theladyofshalot. Your daughter might not have as much financially as your sons but it sounds like she has a great mum and a nice relationship with her brothers. This is what will sustain her in the long run and help her make the most out of life, not a theoretical pot of money from a man who probably would have made sure he was assessed as only needing to pay the most token of sums. A friend of mine took the decision not to pursue her ex for the £40 a month maintenance he was assessed as owing but did not pay (old style CSA arrangement and familiar MN story about minimising his earnings and fictionalising maximising his child care. Her argument was that the £40 was not worth the stress and damage to her mental health of pursuing it. I think she was right. The idea that your daughter would have a savings account for university fees/car/flat deposit etc only works if the ex actually pays.