AIBU to allow our 8 year old to decide if we move or not

[Starfamxx]

My partner is from England and I am from scotland, I have lived in scotland my full life and my partner came on a trip, we met and he decided to stay, we have went on to start a family and our oldest little one is 8.

About a year ago there was a huge family fall out and basically none of my family speak to each other anymore - us included! so we have literally no family here at all which is very isolating, it is just the 4 of us, my partner and myself haven’t even been for a coffee together just the 2 of us in over a year we have zero help from anyone, we don’t get to go to family get togethers etc because we have no family life is literally just the 4 of us and it’s hard I also worry about the social aspect for our kids as they only have us.

My partners family are amazing but of course live in England. They love us and our babies. We go down there once a month/every 2 months and it’s just so lovely it feels like life should be, we have family dinners, our girls get to be around other people not just us! So my partner and myself have been thinking about moving, it’s 5 hours away from where we are now so it would mean us both moving jobs, getting a new home and our oldest daughter moving schools.

It seems like a no brainer right? The only thing that is making us not take the jump is our little girl, she is very quiet and shy and not the most outgoing she is also very sensitive and has one best friend here who she adores and the thought of moving her to a different school is so scary for me and her, I would never forgive myself if she didn't make friends.

We spoke to her yesterday and she said that she would love to move because she gets sad that we have no family here and she misses everyone but she’s scared about moving schools so we said once the schools and everything are open again we will go visit some and then we will make a decision together - one minute she’s so excited saying she wants to move and then last night we were up until 1am with her really upset crying saying she would miss her friend and was scared about a new school.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don’t want to put too much pressure on her but I also want her to be involved in the decision. AIBU to allow her to have such a say in a huge life decision? And also I would love to hear if anyone’s children has moved schools and how it went? How were your kids? Did they make friends? I’m so worried about her being the only Scottish child, will they single her out? Will they understand her?

Sorry to ramble but I would love to hear other people’s stories and opinions

Thank you

WTF - you are the parents, you make the decision what is best for the whole family

She needs YOU to make the choice that is right for you as a family not her. She is rightly conflicted between it and needs you to steer in the right direction as a family.

To allow her a say is the correct decision and she is clearly a very switched on little girl to understand and the get the issues for both sides. She should be involved and have a say but not the final decision - that is too much pressure

You seem to be handling it well

She will make new friends

Like you I've always felt it important to involve my DC in decisions that effect them. But a few years ago, when we were thinking of changing schools, my then teenage DC said "Mum, I want to know that you've listened to my opinion but I don't want to be responsible for making the decision, I want you to do that".

So I guess I'm saying to tell her to trust you. That you'll listen to her and make the decision for her, with her best interests at heart, but that she doesn't have to tell you what she prefers to do, because that's a big thing when you're little.

(But wfiw I think you should go from what you've said!)

If she is a shy thing prone to overthinking I honesty think you've made the whole situation worse by putting all the emphasis on getting her to decide. She is 8, you are her parents you need to decide. It sounds in general quite hard for her does she really need to know the ins and outs if everything like the falling out? It's a lot to put on her shoulders.

You’re making it worse for her! This is crazy! You’re feeding her anxiety. “I would never forgive myself” - take a step back and stop catastrophising.

Just move and be really positive about it. She’ll be fine. It sounds like it will be a lovely thing for the whole family. I’m sorry you’re alienated from yours

I moved my dc schools at 7,9 +10.. The older one was a bit reluctant.. They kept in touch with friends via their tech. . They settled very well at new school - nearly 5 years ago.. Do not put such responsibility on a young dc.

I was your daughter when I was little. We moved from Scott to Cheshire when I was 7. I had a broad boarder Scott's accent but my parents had English accents and my little sister was just getting going with talking. I stuck out a lot at school. I was also very shy and left behind my best friend. I survived and thrived and your daughter will too. Kids are far more resilient that we think sometimes. We moved from Scotland at the start of the summer holidays so I was settled in when school started in September so I'd recommend that.

It seems like a no brainer right

No, not really.

Lots of people don't have local family or any family. It's not the devastatingly bleak life of isolation you seem so keen to paint it as - no wonder your daughter picks up on those emotions.

Did you not have social contacts outside the family unit before covid? Why would lack of local family mean your children have no social contact? that makes no sense.

If you want to move then make the decision, but stop inventing all this dramatic nonsense and transferring your anxieties to your child.

My shy, then 8 year old, moved countries with us last summer.
We came back to the UK, but had left when he was 4, and he really didnt remember much about it.
He has been fine. I wont say he enjoyed the experience, but he has settled, made friends, and is generally positive about it.
Please dont put such a massive decision on young shoulders. Admit the negatives, and out a plan in place to overcome them, and celebrate the positives it will bring to you all.

This is YOUR decision OP.

A terrible pressure to put on a child.

Make a decision.
Be confident of your decision.

This will help your child.

Putting that pressure on a child is just dreadful.

She needs you both to parent her!

I survived and thrived and your daughter will too.

Is she your clone?

The reason she's up crying is because it's too hard for her to decide, she's not able to.

You make the decision and have the confidence that you will make the best one for her.

It's very unlikely to ruin her life if you move.

@ohhyeah
Thank you! She doesn’t know that she has the final decision we have spoke about it and said we will decide together as a family but in my heart I think that is she was totally against it once she visits the schools I don’t know if I could go through with it.

@tinysleepthief
We haven’t told her that she gets to make the choice we have told her that we will all make it together a Family and she wasn’t told the ins and outs of the family fall out but she knows something has went on as one day they were there and now they have disappeared and I don’t think to ignore something as big as that would be good for her, she’s a smart little girl and she deserved some sort of explantation as to why people who were a big part of her life just decided to stop all contact with her. Children are very switched on and not discussing certain things with them can cause a lot more damage - I really don’t think it’s healthy to ignore things like that in a child’s life

You can't ask her to decide!!! That is far too much responsibility for an eight-year-old. You are the adults, you must decide.

By all means involve you DD but please don't make this her decision. YOU make the decision between you and your husband and make it positive for you. I'm Scottish and live in England, there's only DH's mum left as his brothers all moved with their families over the course of the last 7/8 years so don't assume that everything will stay the same as it is for now.

I have very little family left and none where I live. My friends are my family.

As to whether they will be able to understand her - it depends where in Scotland you live and where you're moving to. Inverness to Leeds for example no problem. Glasgow to a Lincolnshire village might be more of an issue. I say this as someone who moved quite far with a very strong accent as a teenager. But she's 8 her accent will change a LOT in a few years if you move.

A couple of things - she is going to be changing schools in a few years anyway for secondary.
If she has just one good friend where you are that's not a great position to be in anyway as that friend could move, or if they fall out etc...then she would regret staying for that friend.
If you're going to move do it before she starts secondary.

You cannot put the responsibility for that decision onto an 8 year old. No wonder she’s anxious!

That poor child - what a burden you've put on her, asking her to decide the family's future. Decisions like this should be decided upon by the parents, not the children. You're doing her a massive disservice by suggesting that she's a decision maker here. She isn't - you're the parent, and you're making her anxiety worse.

You should never have asked her in the first place. Its all way in the future and you're worrying her unnecessarily. I live somewhere where a lot of people have family live near, but me and the kids still had a social.life. I would concentrate on encouraging her to make more friendships where you live now, it can only be a positive.

You might not tell her outright that she has the final say but if she doesn't want to move and you do then surely she will work out that it was because she said no that you didnt move house??

An 8 year old literally does not have the cognitive ability to process the consequences of moving or not moving. All she can do is tell you how she feels in the moment you speak to her. She cannot process the lifelong change that could come from moving.
Moving sounds like the best thing for your family. All children feel sad when they move, but they make new friends and they move on. That's life. But she is 8! She wont be thinking about that; she will just think about the being sad part.

You need to make this decision and do not leave it to someone who hasn't developed the critical thinking she needs to decide.

And it's "my partner and I" not "my partner and myself".

@Starfamxx, please do NOT give that responsibility to your child.
What if yu mve and things don't work out?
What if you stay and you are struggling even more?

You cant let a child decide things of that importance.
And that's wo talking about issues with maturity, seeing the big picture etc...

I move abroad whe I was that age. no one ever asked me if I wnted to, let alone taking the decision. because there as no way I coud have actually grasped what it meant.

Yabvu it would be very unfair on your dd if you did this. She has no comprehension of the bigger picture at all. You are the parent, you do what is best.

We had to move house / schools due to my disabilities and no longer being able to manage.
It's was a difficult decision especially as I had a year 10 child. I also have twins one who is very quiet and shy.
The children were anxious but understood it couldn't be put off.
When I chose schools I went to look without children and applied. I took the children once they had been accepted. I kept them informed and told them why I'd chosen the schools however I didn't allow them to make any decisions because it was to much for them.
It has been very positive y10 child has improved massively. The dt have done amazingly well. One said why didn't we move years ago I liked my old school but this one's even better.
We had a few anxious days leading up to starting as obviously moving house / school is very life changing. They quickly settled in. The school suggested joining an after school activity to get them socially mixing which helped. I let them find their feet for the first half term then encouraged them to invite friends over.
I'd say go for it. Keep dc informed and explain why you're making these choices however I think these are to big a decisions to be made at 8.

@user135844794

Firstly we are a very positive house, what I write on here for other adults to read is not what I say to my daughter! we don’t go around crying about the fact we have no close family infront of our kids in fact we go the extra mile to be positive and happy however that does not mean that me and my partner in privacy don’t open up to each other about it!

Secondly I don’t understand why you are able to tell me that my situation isn’t hard?

Believe me having no mum, sister, gran, papa, cousins etc is hard, of course we have friends but we are only in our mid 20s and none of them have kids so we don’t get to “socialise” as such - our kids have friends and we arrange play dates etc but that’s not the same as having a network of people

But thanks for you reply