AIBU to allow our 8 year old to decide if we move or not

[Starfamxx]

My partner is from England and I am from scotland, I have lived in scotland my full life and my partner came on a trip, we met and he decided to stay, we have went on to start a family and our oldest little one is 8.

About a year ago there was a huge family fall out and basically none of my family speak to each other anymore - us included! so we have literally no family here at all which is very isolating, it is just the 4 of us, my partner and myself haven’t even been for a coffee together just the 2 of us in over a year we have zero help from anyone, we don’t get to go to family get togethers etc because we have no family life is literally just the 4 of us and it’s hard I also worry about the social aspect for our kids as they only have us.

My partners family are amazing but of course live in England. They love us and our babies. We go down there once a month/every 2 months and it’s just so lovely it feels like life should be, we have family dinners, our girls get to be around other people not just us! So my partner and myself have been thinking about moving, it’s 5 hours away from where we are now so it would mean us both moving jobs, getting a new home and our oldest daughter moving schools.

It seems like a no brainer right? The only thing that is making us not take the jump is our little girl, she is very quiet and shy and not the most outgoing she is also very sensitive and has one best friend here who she adores and the thought of moving her to a different school is so scary for me and her, I would never forgive myself if she didn't make friends.

We spoke to her yesterday and she said that she would love to move because she gets sad that we have no family here and she misses everyone but she’s scared about moving schools so we said once the schools and everything are open again we will go visit some and then we will make a decision together - one minute she’s so excited saying she wants to move and then last night we were up until 1am with her really upset crying saying she would miss her friend and was scared about a new school.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don’t want to put too much pressure on her but I also want her to be involved in the decision. AIBU to allow her to have such a say in a huge life decision? And also I would love to hear if anyone’s children has moved schools and how it went? How were your kids? Did they make friends? I’m so worried about her being the only Scottish child, will they single her out? Will they understand her?

Sorry to ramble but I would love to hear other people’s stories and opinions

Thank you

" the only Scottish child" ?

She's 8. Its the UK?

You don't even have to consider her opinion - you have to think about what would actually be better for her. At 8, she doesn't get a say in it, she gets presented with the final decision that you and your partner have made for the whole family.

On a seperate note, I'd be wary of thinking that you are going to drop into a ready-made network of family just because you move. Your partner's family will no doubt be happy to have you nearer, but you may find that it's not the full-on loving family life that you are expecting - people are very different on visits than they are day to day because they will have their own lives to be getting on with. You will still have to work at making new friends and building up a network which doesn't rely just on family.

You need to decide. It isn’t about her knowing she has the say but as her parents you need to think carefully about what would be best for your family. 8 year olds will decide based on right now. Not long term. The one friend keeping her here might be long forgotten by secondary school regardless if you stay or not anyway so basing it on one friend is pointless. They can stay in touch anyway. If it was me and I thought that life down there would genuinely be better then I would go now. Things will be changing in schools etc after summer anyway. It’s been a long time off. It’d be better doing it while that’s happening than getting her settled in school again and then doing it. They are still young and will adapt. But think carefully because you wouldn’t want to have to move back when she’s a bit older. That would be more disruptive.

Have to say too that right now, in UK terms, I would much rather be based in Scotland than anywhere else in the UK!!

You are not only BU, you are being irresponsible.

You are the parents. You make the decisions based on what is right for the whole family. To have the emotional response of an 8yo (who can't imagine the changes) tip the balance is completely ridiculous.

She's EIGHT. She can't possibly be the deciding vote (whether or not you tell her).
WHat hi her friend moved away? or changed schools? or they fell out? It's not rational to make choices for a family based on the friendship group of an 8yo.

Have a look at Bach Flowers to help her through this move.

Please please please do NOT tell her that she has any say in anything. You are the adults and you are responsible for ALL choices. Just tell her that yes you ARE moving but she can look around 5-6 schools and she has a great deal of input into that but the final say is and will always be YOURS.

I was 13 when my parents asked me and my sister if we wanted to move house. It was all our choice, we were the deciders. Just a few months later after we moved our parents divorced, I was groonmed and repeatedly raped by mothers new fellas bestfriend and my little sister had a total breakdown. It was the worst 5 years of my entire life, of both our entire lives and do you really think it helps knowing that we actually CHOSE that life? Chose it at an age when we had no idea, no concept of the possible fallout. I have spent 20 years in and out of therapy and struggling with addiciton. All because my parents let us have a choice and now we cant help but feel that its all our own fault. But it isn't, it was our parents fault. Please do not let her choose in anyway. Just bloody move house and take ALL of the responsibility like the adult you are.

She will make new friends, having cousins and family will improve her confidence and sense opf belonging all day long. You have nothing keeping you where you are. Just go. Dont dither about it and add to her anxiety.

I moved schools at 7 and again at 8! I was really really fine. 8 is a good age to move... Plenty of time to settle down prior to high school. She and her old friend can be pen pals.

The prolonged uncertainly is terrifying her. In hindsight it was a wrong move to even mention it to her (never mind think about letting her decide).

Make up a reason why things will stay as they are and don't tell her again unless it is 100% finalised you are actually moving, even then if possible leave it until just a few weeks before you move.

You do realise that your 8yr old's friend could move one day?
Or they could fall out?
Or when they start secondary school, lose touch?

If the pros of moving (seeing extended family, more time for you and your partner) outweigh the cons, then go.

You cannot put this decision onto a child. You are already looking for her to resolve your ambivalence which is more pressure than a child can cope with. Your daughter has to learn trust and confidence in her own decision making process and that involves you role-modeling your own competence and ability to deal with the outcome of whatever decision you make. She needs to see that you can cope with the many unknowns of life not shift your anxiety elsewhere. Have a bit more faith that whatever decision you make you can work it out. Good Luck.

honesty think you've made the whole situation worse by putting all the emphasis on getting her to decide

No, they've made the whole situation worse by cutting themselves off from family and then not looking for a support network elsewhere. Family aren't the be all and end all, it's perfectly possible to live happily with lots of friends and support and no family for miles.

Would it not be better to try to repair your relationship with your family ?

Maybe you guys could take this in stages. Both you and your partner start looking for jobs and check that aspect out first. It may mean you are apart for a while but could also facilitate the checking out of properties more easily.

regarding the fallout, is there anyone in the family that you can speak to about it? You are very young to have a situation like that dictate your (non) relationship with your family for the rest of your lives.

Your DD doesn't have the wisdom or the experience to make this choice so I think she would be happier if you made it for her. I moved my youngest two to a different school at ages 8 and 10 and they were fine with that.

There are often threads on here about friends falling out at age 9 and 10 so if you decide not to move based on your DD's friendship you could well regret it. Really and truly you have good, family reasons to make this move and so you should probably go for it. Involve your DD in age-appropriate decisions like decor for her new bedroom and new activities and she will settle down and be happy.

I’ve not rtft but please don’t ask your dad to decide. She’s 8. The concept of moving area and school will be scary but your confidence is key. It’s about making a decision and focusing on the positives of that decision.

I only have my mum and dad as family. My mum babysits occasionally. Dhs family never babysit and never have. If you and Dh want to go out, pay a babysitter!

On the one hand, it is your decisions as parents and you need to take that responsibility.

On the other hand, whatever decision you make, it is your responsibility to build up a network of friends and acquaintances that provides your dd with adult social interactions and doesn't leave them isolated with only you two.

And yes, I know what it is like to live without access to family: I am an immigrant to the UK, my ILs, who were the only relatives in this country lived a 5 hour journey away and were already elderly and frail. We did spend whatever spare money we had to travel to see them, and my Swedish relatives, so yes my children knew their extended family. But we could never rely on them for care and we didn't have to. We built support networks by supporting other people: I babysat the neighbours' children, I started a toddler group, I got to know the parents who did the same hobbies as my child.

Do whatever you think is best, but please don't let your lo think it is impossible to change the situation in the place you are. I watched my mother sit isolated in a town which wasn't where she grew up and it seemed so unnecessary: there were people there who would have been her friends if she'd only reached out.

So you want to 8-year old daughter to take on the responsibility of things working out/not working out?

Do you and your partner both have stable jobs where you are?
Do you have a house to sell?

The economy isn't in the best shape now so might take that into consideration that it might not be so easy to find new jobs now.

You parent
You make decisions
You involved her far too early
Tell her when it’s a done deal

I am a foster carer and therefore have been involved with many children who move homes - to other foster carers, to adoptive parents, back to their birth parents, to other family members or to residental care. All of these children need to have the security that the adults in their lives will make what decision is in their bests interests. Maybe the teenagers would be asked their thoughts, but ultimately they all know this is the adults decision - and therefore if things don't work out it is the adult's responsibility. I'm not sure any child I know could have handled that responsibility, not should they be asked to. It would be far, far too much to take. Plenty of time for them to make their own decisions WHEN they are adults themselves.

I think her being upset at missing her friend is very a natural thing, but I think she'll miss her friends in a similar respect to you missing your work colleagues. Lots and lots of reassuring and easing her worries, she will definitely make new friends 8 years olds are very welcoming and schools put provisions in the make sure new children settle in well. I do agree you should factor these kinds of things in, but not to the magnitude that you are currently, you know moving is the right thing for your entire family, all it needs to be is one for the con column and weigh everything up together, and FWIW I also think you moving to be near your in laws is a good idea and it will drastically improve your quality of life.

I know you got a bit shouty earlier that she doesn't get the final say, and I don't think people are being rude they're putting across a very valid point, but I think telling her you'll talk about it and go see schools etc. is so so much for a little one to comprehend. For me the best way to do it is to gently explain you're making the move to be near granny and grandad and all her cousins, but not to worry about a new school because you're sure she will make lots of new friends and she will be able to write to her current friends, or you could add their mum's on some sort of SM/messaging app so she can stay in touch, it'll be easier for her to get her head around the fact her situation is about to change rather than her backing and forthing about what she wants to do, it's a lot of pressure

You need to stop talking to her about moving. This is a decision for adults to make. Taking her into consideration, of course, but not giving her the prerogative to stop the move. She's too young to have a 'broad enough' view of her life and the future to make a 'wise' decision.

Chances are if you and DH will be happier it will create a happier home and she will be happier, too.

We moved when our sons were 6 and 11. We explained why it was best for the family but we didn't give them veto power. They settled in and DS2 who was very shy made friends after a 'settling in' period.

Are there cousins near DH's family near DD's age?

Based on your thread title, YABVU

You're putting too much onto a child. Make the decision and tell her. Listen to her if she's upset etc, obviously.

Be the parent in this scenario.

Sounds like you all want to move and would have a better life in england. She's just scared of a big change. Make sure you move close to your family so shes moving closer to more people than shes moving away from.