AIBU to allow our 8 year old to decide if we move or not

[Starfamxx]

My partner is from England and I am from scotland, I have lived in scotland my full life and my partner came on a trip, we met and he decided to stay, we have went on to start a family and our oldest little one is 8.

About a year ago there was a huge family fall out and basically none of my family speak to each other anymore - us included! so we have literally no family here at all which is very isolating, it is just the 4 of us, my partner and myself haven’t even been for a coffee together just the 2 of us in over a year we have zero help from anyone, we don’t get to go to family get togethers etc because we have no family life is literally just the 4 of us and it’s hard I also worry about the social aspect for our kids as they only have us.

My partners family are amazing but of course live in England. They love us and our babies. We go down there once a month/every 2 months and it’s just so lovely it feels like life should be, we have family dinners, our girls get to be around other people not just us! So my partner and myself have been thinking about moving, it’s 5 hours away from where we are now so it would mean us both moving jobs, getting a new home and our oldest daughter moving schools.

It seems like a no brainer right? The only thing that is making us not take the jump is our little girl, she is very quiet and shy and not the most outgoing she is also very sensitive and has one best friend here who she adores and the thought of moving her to a different school is so scary for me and her, I would never forgive myself if she didn't make friends.

We spoke to her yesterday and she said that she would love to move because she gets sad that we have no family here and she misses everyone but she’s scared about moving schools so we said once the schools and everything are open again we will go visit some and then we will make a decision together - one minute she’s so excited saying she wants to move and then last night we were up until 1am with her really upset crying saying she would miss her friend and was scared about a new school.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don’t want to put too much pressure on her but I also want her to be involved in the decision. AIBU to allow her to have such a say in a huge life decision? And also I would love to hear if anyone’s children has moved schools and how it went? How were your kids? Did they make friends? I’m so worried about her being the only Scottish child, will they single her out? Will they understand her?

Sorry to ramble but I would love to hear other people’s stories and opinions

Thank you

I agree with everyone else, you can't let a child make a decision like that.

You are the adults, you know your child best and whether she react's well to a move isn't dependant on anyone else's experiences.

One that that stands out though is your, to me, very strange view of being Scottish in England, why would you think that would be an issue? English children aren't brought up to have any animosity to Scots (well maybe in some weird families), no one is going care that shes's Scottish, people move around the world every day no one will bat an eyelid.

OP you are the parents here, you are the ones with life skills and experience. You need to show some leadership, dare I say it!

She is totally picking up on your anxiety; no wonder she is confused and upset. You cannot expect a child to have the maturity to weigh up the pros and cons, to decide whether the risks outweigh the potential benefits to you all as a family.

Of course things will be difficult to start with if you choose to move. But if it’s the right thing for your family, you will get through the difficulty.

Make a decision, and tell your children. Do it confidently and with enthusiasm. It will all work out but you must take responsibility for it yourselves.

She sounds strung out by it all.
Don't move. Not now.
Why don't you let her finish her primary school, then move for secondary?
Don't underestimate your DD's sense of stability. You're the adult. You can cope well with the move. It'll be much harder on your DD, especially now that it's become an overwhelming issue for her.
Leave it lie for now. Don't even bring it up. Just put it to one side for a while and make a long-term plan to move.
FWIW, DH and I have no family here at all. You have to build your village, OP, with or without family around. You could move and fall out with DH's family down the road. In my opinion, I think life is easier without close family around. Less invasive. It's not a bad thing, you know.

SHE HAS NOT BEEN TOLD SHE GETS TO MAKE THE DECISION AND I HAVE SAID IN PREVIOUS COMMENTS SHE HAS BEEN TOLD WE ARE THINKING ABOUT IT AND WANT HER OPNION HOWEVER WE ALL NEED TO DECIDE TOGETHER AS ITS A BIG DECISION! IN OUR HOME WE INVOLVE HER AND DONT JUST MAKE LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT - MY FRIEND IS A GP AND ADVISED ITS VERY HEALTHY TO INVOLVE CHILDREN IN DECISIONS THAT EFFECT THEM - I REPEAT SHE HAS NOT BEEN TOLD SHE HAS THE FINAL DECISION BUT AS I SAID IF SHE WAS TOTALLY AGAINST IT I DONT THINK I COULD MOVE SO THEREFOR ULTIMATELY DOES BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT

@TheVanguardSix

Of course she is strung out on it all. She's had a family disappear because if some dispute which she simply will not understand and now she is being questioned on something she is not mature enough to decide on.

The move wont be what destabilises her. The pressure of the decision will. If they move, she gets a family and full support system. She will love that.
School will be a little harder, but making new friends is a valuable life skill and she shouldnt be taught that we avoid that because it's hard.

Be careful too that you're not painting too rosy a picture of life at the other side of that greener grass over yonder. Would the family really be on-tap for childcare so that you and your DH can have more time for yourselves? Are they accomodating and helpful? Or would you just have more family obligations to fulfill? Sometimes family isn't as helpful as we hope.

Thank you
We are being very positive about it to her.
But the time our oldest is in high school our youngest will be in primary school so we would be in the same position

You cannot put the responsibility of a decision on to her because it's far too much of a weight on such young shoulders. I am not surprised she is anxious.

What happens if she picks a school, goes there and doesn't like it to start with? She'll feel like it was her fault because she chose to be there.

You need to model this decision positively for your child. If you decide to move, then you tell her you are all moving. Likewise you go and view schools but you pick the best one as a parent that you think will meet your child's needs. If you want to give her decisions then these need to be age-appropriate - like how she wants to decorate her room.

bobbie preach to the OP. Not me. It's just me and my opinions here (mostly wrong, but that's what's on offer ).

Wow the “shouting” is very rude. Of course you should involve her in discussions but letting her choice whether she knows or not is really poor parenting.

*choose.

I'd moved several times and was on my fifth school by the time I was 10. I wasn't ever involved in discussions about moving, it was always presented as a done deal. I remember being sad about leaving best friends and favourite teachers but I just accepted it because the adults made the decisions. I don't ever remember it being discussed with me. I always made new friends and settled quickly, but of course every child is different and you know yours best. The time I was saddest was when we moved away from family, in this case you're going towards them which should be really rewarding for your DC.

With respect, OP, the title to your thread is “ AIBU to allow our 8 year old to decide if we move or not”

So I’m not sure why you’re shouting now?

I stand by my comment, an 8 year old doesn’t have the maturity, life skills or experience to contribute to that sort of life changing decision. What can she really add to the debate other than .... “mum I’ll be sad to leave my friend”. Well I guess you know that already?

@Starfamxx

Eh... are you quite alright?

The title of your thread is "aibu to allow my 8 year old to decide". We are saying yes, that is unreasonable.

It's nothing to do with whether she knows she is making the final decision or not. It doeant matter if you tell her or not. You are still leaving the decision to her... and that is just not a reasonable thing to do. She does not have the cognitive ability to think through the whole scenario and come to a sensible decision.

I raised my kids with the Montessori method so I am totally for the "involve kids in decisions and let them choose" approach, but I'm also not insane so I wouldn't leave life changing decisions to the word of a child without the development they need.

Your job is to find out how she feels about, and do what you can to ease her anxieties whilst going ahead with a move you believe will benefit your whole family. Give what you've gone through with your own family, you need to get a support system around you but you also need to make sure she gets a family if it is possible, and it is. She doesnt need to grow up isolated from her relatives. Even she has said she would love that.

The move seems like it would be a good thing for you all. You've also found out how sad she will be regarding her friends. Your job is to counsel her through that; not to let but rule the decision.

If you are going to move, now is the time. She is young enough that finding new friends will be fine.

I made a decision to move my eldest to a new primary school at age 8. He wasn't happy about it at all, but his school was not good and it was in his educational interests to move him. It only took a week or two to be happy, and less that a term for him to think it was the best thing ever.

Make the move for all of the family. Just because your DD is shy it doesn't mean she won't make friends. A good school will give her a buddy in her class to begin with.

@Starfamxx

SHE HAS NOT BEEN TOLD SHE GETS TO MAKE THE DECISION AND I HAVE SAID IN PREVIOUS COMMENTS SHE HAS BEEN TOLD WE ARE THINKING ABOUT IT AND WANT HER OPNION HOWEVER WE ALL NEED TO DECIDE TOGETHER AS ITS A BIG DECISION! IN OUR HOME WE INVOLVE HER AND DONT JUST MAKE LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT - MY FRIEND IS A GP AND ADVISED ITS VERY HEALTHY TO INVOLVE CHILDREN IN DECISIONS THAT EFFECT THEM - I REPEAT SHE HAS NOT BEEN TOLD SHE HAS THE FINAL DECISION BUT AS I SAID IF SHE WAS TOTALLY AGAINST IT I DONT THINK I COULD MOVE SO THEREFOR ULTIMATELY DOES BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT

Why are you shouting?

The title of your thread is "to allow our 8 year old to decide if we move or not", why are you surprised that posters are answering that question?

Again... she hasn’t been told she gets to make the decision what I said was that if she was totally against it it would most likely make my definition for me but again she doesn’t know what she at the moment knows we are weighting up the pros and cons

I understand it’s a big problem, especially right now, and get your worries for her, but I think you need to say you’re moving or you’re not, the uncertainty is probably making it harder for her right now and adding to her conflicting feelings around it. Good luck!

She's too young to be involved in the decision. Don't care what you shout, you don't need to decide together. She's a little girl and by even hinting that she's involved in the decision you've put pressure on her. You should have decided for yourselves, then approached her in a way that conveyed how exciting it was that you would be able to move closer to the family. (Expecting thread to vanish soon because you only want people to agree with you).

@tereapinstation
As I have explained if she didn’t want to move it would ultimately make the definition for me but she hasn’t been told that or even hinted at we have just asked her what her thoughts on it are

There's no need to shout and if you dont want people presuming you're allowing your child the final say maybe next time rethink the click bait title.

Either way I still think you are giving an anxious child way too much choice. As an adult you should decide to move and you should choose her a new school. Present it as a done deal and leave giving her a say until she's older and more capable of processing all the facts.

Op I'm not sure why you bothered to start the thread, you're clearly not going to listen to anyone who posts.

You say you haven't put any pressure on her, but a child up until 1am shows otherwise. Obviously she has taken it to heart and somewhere along the line, whether due to mis-communication or through your discussion about the subject. She now feels like moving is a decision which she needs to make.

@BobbieDraper yes but if you read the post and comments it’s explained that her opinion will make the overall choice for me but she doesn’t know that

You can't base a long term family decision on an 8yrs only friend and being scared about a new school. One day she will have to move school locally and will no doubt be scared then.....

Sorry to ask you so many questions, OP. It's just that we moved around so much when DC1 was young. He changed schools twice. And in all honesty, it worked out brilliantly. But he's also a social butterfly and home is sort of where he hangs his hat. He is easy as the breeze, anywhere he goes. Our daughter, on the other hand, is sensitive, anxious, and change is not easy for her. Kids have to adapt and cope with change. It's life.
Whatever you decide to do, do it as gently as possible. Sometimes, the less said, the sooner mended. Place the decision back into your hands and trust your good judgement. I have a hunch you've placed it on your DD's shoulders, not to be unkind, but because you wanted her to have a say, give her some power over this decision. You meant well. You were only trying to be loving. The problem is, she doesn't have the wisdom of age or the coping skills of an adult. She's just a kid and so of course, this move has become an enormous and scary burden in her eyes. Dial it back a bit. Take back the decision and place it on your own shoulders. And trust yourselves to make a happy decision. Good luck, whichever way the wind takes you.