AIBU to allow our 8 year old to decide if we move or not

[Starfamxx]

My partner is from England and I am from scotland, I have lived in scotland my full life and my partner came on a trip, we met and he decided to stay, we have went on to start a family and our oldest little one is 8.

About a year ago there was a huge family fall out and basically none of my family speak to each other anymore - us included! so we have literally no family here at all which is very isolating, it is just the 4 of us, my partner and myself haven’t even been for a coffee together just the 2 of us in over a year we have zero help from anyone, we don’t get to go to family get togethers etc because we have no family life is literally just the 4 of us and it’s hard I also worry about the social aspect for our kids as they only have us.

My partners family are amazing but of course live in England. They love us and our babies. We go down there once a month/every 2 months and it’s just so lovely it feels like life should be, we have family dinners, our girls get to be around other people not just us! So my partner and myself have been thinking about moving, it’s 5 hours away from where we are now so it would mean us both moving jobs, getting a new home and our oldest daughter moving schools.

It seems like a no brainer right? The only thing that is making us not take the jump is our little girl, she is very quiet and shy and not the most outgoing she is also very sensitive and has one best friend here who she adores and the thought of moving her to a different school is so scary for me and her, I would never forgive myself if she didn't make friends.

We spoke to her yesterday and she said that she would love to move because she gets sad that we have no family here and she misses everyone but she’s scared about moving schools so we said once the schools and everything are open again we will go visit some and then we will make a decision together - one minute she’s so excited saying she wants to move and then last night we were up until 1am with her really upset crying saying she would miss her friend and was scared about a new school.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don’t want to put too much pressure on her but I also want her to be involved in the decision. AIBU to allow her to have such a say in a huge life decision? And also I would love to hear if anyone’s children has moved schools and how it went? How were your kids? Did they make friends? I’m so worried about her being the only Scottish child, will they single her out? Will they understand her?

Sorry to ramble but I would love to hear other people’s stories and opinions

Thank you

I would agree that you need to be sure that your DP's family will provide the stability and safety net that would help your family before you even consider moving. Are there cousins her age? Would going to the same school help her to settle? I think you've done the right thing in involving her and I get that she doesn't feel the decision is all down to her. If you and your DP are convinced that your family life would be better in England then you may be able to reassure her that it's a good move.

I think those saying she's just crying because you are anxious yourself are wrong. I moved an 8 year old and whilst I was very clear about the need to move, she was devastated by the initial news we were moving, and found it hard to adjust for about six months after we did move, due to finding it hard to fit into her new school. Having said that, she's now 14 and absolutely happy we made the move! So you have to do what's best for your family as a whole, and that is to move, but it's also fine to expect 8 year olds to be emotionally stressed by this thought and to need to provide emotional support for them whilst they work out what this means.

@GrimmsFairytales I am completely open to opinions however I have explained on numerous occasions that we haven’t sat her down and said we are thinking about moving but it’s up to you, we have said we are thriving if moving, what’s your opinion on that? We will look in to it more and we will make a decision as a family

She was crying because she knew leaving her friend may be a possibility not because she has to decide if she is or not

Those tears would still happen if we said listen we are moving and didn’t give her a say or a voice

@Starfamxx

And again... it doesnt matter whether or not she knows she is making the choice for you. It does not matter because you are still leaving the decision to someone who has not developed enough to choose the best option, she has only developed enough to choose the thing which makes her less sad in that moment. You dont make a family decision with that information.

She is always going to say how sad she will be. She will cry about leaving her friends. But that's because that is what is affecting her in the moment. If you get her down there and have family days out and more socialising she will then, in that moment, be super happy about the move.

Children focus on "in the moment" because that's what their brains can handle. You dont make a long term decision on the word of an 8 year old. You counsel her through the parts she finds hard, but you go ahead with the move which is best for your future as a family.

we haven’t sat her down and said we are thinking about moving but it’s up to you, we have said we are thriving if moving, what’s your opinion on that?

In her mind they are the same question.

She is being asked her opinion, to her this will mean either moving or not depending on her answer.

Goodness, what is wrong with you? No need to shout or get angry with people who can only go on what you've said. You're very defensive and seem to think you're doing it all the right way, so what's the point in posting on here? No one else can make that decision for you, just as your kid shouldn't be.

We have moved children in the past, and I understand your agony. It is important to involve them somewhat and hear their views, of course, as you are doing.

I think in balance I would make the move, provided you select her new school very carefully. The more experience I have with different schools, the more I realise how important it is to choose very carefully. It sounds like she will need a smaller, more nurturing school. Make sure it has a good head, with a healthy, kindly ethos.

I would get a list of all the schools with places for her near your DH's family. Research the best one. Rent near that school to secure the place. Then place your youngest DC wherever you can whilst they wait for a place to join your DD.

Good luck.

Its like talking to a brick wall.

IT DOES NOT MATTER WHETHER SHE KNOWS OR NOT.

You will be making a long term, life changing decision on the word of an 8 year old who can literally only think about her feelings in the moment.

The idea of being happy with more family is totally abstract to her. The reality of leaving her friends a tangible feeling which is right in her face. That is what will drive her feelings on it.
She wont be giving you an opinion based on critical thought about what is best for her. She will give you her opinion based on feeling sad at leaving her friends. That is not the opinion you base your life decisions for your family on.

forgot to say, once the decision has been made, then move focus back to DC and say that its happening, and its going to be alright with lots of love and reassurance.

She's too young to make that decision. She'll be fine if you decide to move but asking her to make a decision that big is a lot for small shoulders x

In terms of being Scottish in England, I really don’t think there is the same level of animosity as there is to being English in Scotland. I think your daughter will be fine.

I say this as a Scot with a perceived ‘English accent’ who grew up in Scotland and now lives in England.

If the best friend is what's stopping you, what happens if she moves away/they fall out? Your DD needs to learn not to be too reliant on one person and base her school identity round that. I moved from central Scotland to Leeds when my oldest was primary 6 and my twins were 2, we moved last week in June when school finished so had time to settle in with a nice long school holiday.

I think it’s great you’re listening to her views, but at the end of the day she’s the child and you’re the adults, so you have the final say.

Your the parents you make the decision.

My cousins have just been through this conversation. My aunt decided to let her 14-year-old son make the decision as to whether they should move country or not. He made the 'wrong' one - to stay at home - and eventually they are going to move anyway (when possible). It's really soured their relationship. I really think it is essential that parents make these decisions.

I have read all of your posts, but just skimmed the others, so sorry if I've missed anything, but...

Could you not work on the family rift instead? Families argue,blow ups happen - but unless it's abuse or a fundamental life difference (dealing drugs/other illegal activity) they tend to sort themselves out, simply because you are family. The sort of large family gatherings/sharing of lives across several generations is something to be treasured.

Even if DH's family are amazing, it won't be exactly what you had with yours - not because they're inlaws, but because they're different people. It might be just as good, but it won't stop you missing what you had with your family.

Wherever you go, you take yourself (and your sadness/hurt/disappointment)

So how any rellies that you regularly saw do you no longer see?

What would you be expecting from your partner's family-& would they be willing to give it?

Finding a good babysitter sounds like a good idea too.

Posters are claiming the child is anxious because the OP has put a big decision on her little shoulders. This isn’t true. People need to read the thread.

OP, I think it’s going to be impossible for to decide if she’d like a new school because it’s comparing an unknown to a known. Right now she knows her school, she knows her best friend. It’s hard for her to imagine a different school or different friends. I suggest you find some age appropriate books about children who move house. Also engage with the likely fears.

For example, “starting a new school is a bit scary, remember when you had to go to school for the first time? But then when you know you’re way around it isn’t scary any more.”

Maybe you can as a family make a pros and cons list about moving. Cons include “we will miss Sally and her family” pros include “lovely times with DH family”. Then your daughter know her concerns aren’t being ignored, they’re right there on the list. But also on the list are good things about moving.

YABVU to allow your 8yo to decide this OP. You and your OH are the adults here, stop palming this responsibility off onto your child.

I moved multiple times with my ex husband when our children were small due to his work. They had to go to new schools at least 3 times.
We never asked them, it was our choice to move, they were all under 10. They quickly fitted into schools and made new friends.
You need to make it an adventure. Look up schools that she could be going to and be positive about them. If you are moving closer to your husbands family will she have cousins that she will see more of?

Children are very resilient, and though reluctant at the time, as long as their parents are with them they are happy. Go for it, you will all be much happier.

You would be absolutely failing your daughter if you let her make this decision (even if she doesn't know she is making it). She is 8 years old. She cannot see the bigger picture like you can. It sounds like moving closer to your DH's family is the best thing for your family in the long term - ok your daughter might have some short term disruption, but ultimately it sounds like it will be positive for the whole family. In answer to your thread title YABVVVU.

How awfully sad, have you completely lost the plot? You can't do this to a child. Make your decision and support your children.

Are you my SIL? She does things like this but her DD is now very dominant and is only 12! Nothing is done without endless conversations, tears, drama larma upsets and frantic phone calls to the rest of the family. Lives her life in a high level of anxiety all the time.

Honestly - move, it sounds like a no brainer. She will be fine..

Ok, forget your DD - that's totally irrelevant, no child would want to move, you just do what is best - that's it. They have no input here.

I'm more concerned that you think moving is a 'no brainer' just because you have nicer family near. Err, no, it's really not a no-brainer at all!

• Is the area cheaper/more expensive to live?
• What jobs do you do, could you find jobs easily, how would your finances be affected
• COVID? Do you own your house and may have trouble selling/are your industries hiring/would you go from permanent to non-permanent etc?
• How do the areas compare as places to LIVE, not just because one has nice inlaws in it? Is where you live now somewhere that suits you (town, village, amenities etc) and if so, does the other area compare?

The LEAST most important thing on the list for any move would be 'nice family'. Don't forget, even regular visits are NOT the same as living close. Don't idealise it. It will absolutely not make up for eg taking a big hit financially or moving from a life that suits you (eg city) to one that might not (eg village).

Think carefully.