AIBU to allow our 8 year old to decide if we move or not

[Starfamxx]

My partner is from England and I am from scotland, I have lived in scotland my full life and my partner came on a trip, we met and he decided to stay, we have went on to start a family and our oldest little one is 8.

About a year ago there was a huge family fall out and basically none of my family speak to each other anymore - us included! so we have literally no family here at all which is very isolating, it is just the 4 of us, my partner and myself haven’t even been for a coffee together just the 2 of us in over a year we have zero help from anyone, we don’t get to go to family get togethers etc because we have no family life is literally just the 4 of us and it’s hard I also worry about the social aspect for our kids as they only have us.

My partners family are amazing but of course live in England. They love us and our babies. We go down there once a month/every 2 months and it’s just so lovely it feels like life should be, we have family dinners, our girls get to be around other people not just us! So my partner and myself have been thinking about moving, it’s 5 hours away from where we are now so it would mean us both moving jobs, getting a new home and our oldest daughter moving schools.

It seems like a no brainer right? The only thing that is making us not take the jump is our little girl, she is very quiet and shy and not the most outgoing she is also very sensitive and has one best friend here who she adores and the thought of moving her to a different school is so scary for me and her, I would never forgive myself if she didn't make friends.

We spoke to her yesterday and she said that she would love to move because she gets sad that we have no family here and she misses everyone but she’s scared about moving schools so we said once the schools and everything are open again we will go visit some and then we will make a decision together - one minute she’s so excited saying she wants to move and then last night we were up until 1am with her really upset crying saying she would miss her friend and was scared about a new school.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don’t want to put too much pressure on her but I also want her to be involved in the decision. AIBU to allow her to have such a say in a huge life decision? And also I would love to hear if anyone’s children has moved schools and how it went? How were your kids? Did they make friends? I’m so worried about her being the only Scottish child, will they single her out? Will they understand her?

Sorry to ramble but I would love to hear other people’s stories and opinions

Thank you

Do it! We did exactly this and my fears about my children not settling in have just not happened. They've settled in amazingly well and have probably enjoyed england much more so than scotland as they've been able to do loads more activities (pre lockdown) and the sunshine has made a massive difference to all of us. We left all our friends and haven't had much of an opportunity to make new ones but our family is down here and being so close (but so far away with covid!!) has made a large difference. My dd has mentioned our old life and old friends a few times but honestly hasn't been that bothered. The new life is far to exciting to look back for her! (she's 6).

She is too young to have the burden of impacting this decision. She is already worrying about her friend and how you feel. This is unfair. The decision should come from you.
Then you deal with her feeling of that. She will make new friends and she can skype or write to her old friend.

Batshit

No you dont decide as " a family".. not with kids under 16.
You can decide with dc which board game to play . Not life moves. Thst s your job as parents.
you the parents decide and make it work.

You cannot in all seriousness allow an 8 year old to make a decision like this. Its ridiculous. Ofcourse she doesnt aant to move. We moved when I was a child. My brother & I were devastated we didnt want to go but we were the children in the family and as the adults my.parents quite rightly ignored the tears and tantrums and we had to suck it up. Literally as soon as we arrived at the new house the drama was forgotten and the new bedrooms were unpacked and the new area explored.

We loved the new house & new school.

You cannot allow a child to dictate what your family does.

I think the problem is you saying you wouldn't move if your 8 year old was against it.

First work out what you truly think is best for your family, whether that's trying to heal the rift with you family, working on creating a different support network where you are, or moving despite the initial upheaval. I mean really put the thought, time and research in. If you decide (for example) that moving really is the best thing for your family long term the emotions of an 8 year old shouldn't prevent that, however real they are to her. They should be acknowledged and she should be supported but she would always be sad at the thought of leaving what she knows. By saying you wouldn't move if she was against it you are either not sure it's really for the best or throwing away what you really think is best because of her reaction. That's letting her down.

Involving children in things that affect them is admirable but it has to be in an appropriate way. If their opinion wouldn't actually change the outcome (and it shouldn't in a decision like this) then it is unnecessary to destabilise them by asking.

You should have been sure before mentioning it and I think it was a mistake to do it so far in advance - it leaves a long time of uncertainty and anticipation.

I think you should reassure your child that you currently have no plans to move and everything will stay the same for the time being. Remind her that some things never ever change no matter what, like her family and how much you love her. Then privately with you DH ecide what is best taking into account lots of factors including the personality and overall happiness of your child, then move forward. Good luck.

It sounds like she will benefit a lot from being closer to the other side of her family. Moving schools is hard I’m sure. But better to do now than at senior school. Children are quite resilient. I don’t think it will effect her long term in a negative, but it will effect her is a positive way by having other family members and love close by.

'No you dont decide as " a family".. not with kids under 16.
You can decide with dc which board game to play . Not life moves'

Thank god I'm not the only one - thought I was going mad. Shes EIGHT. Such a little girl. You, the adults, make a decision and then tell her what will be happening, in positive and exciting terms, of course allowing her to feel upset or anxious or however she feels. You have no business involving your 8 year old in the decision making at all

Don’t be ridiculous. Be an adult.

No, you make the decisions as adults and parents but obviously don't be like my parents. Nothing was ever discussed with us, we were told what was going to happen around two days before a big move and told to pack it was terrifying.
It's important to discuss what is going to happen with the whole family. It sounds like a great move to me.

My mum moved me away at 15 just after taking my exams(August baby) . Had she done so at 8 it would have been better. Chance to make friends easier in school. Your children will adapt and have family for support.

So unkind to let a child think they have that much control. She’ll feel responsibility for your happiness and she’s far too young to have your inability to be a parent and make decisions in the best interest of the family dumped on her little shoulders. It’s abdication and cowardice wrapped up as kindness.
Just shocking.

I've never lived that near parents. Do you need more friends? Moving to an area where neither of you has a job would be my main concern. I agree this shouldn't be your daughter's decision. Children are poor at long term planning. On the one hand you infantilise her calling her your baby and oldest little one which makes her sound about 3 and then you want to let her make a big decision.

I don't think you should have asked her. She hasn't been to another school or lived in a different place and has no frame of reference or the experience to judge what is for the best here.almost all children would say no when offered a move and a new school just through fear of the unknown but almost all children slot easily into school once thee . Di what is best for your whole family going forward. Poor DD.

YABU.

If it all goes horribly wrong and you or your DH are unable to find work and/or are unhappy with the move, your 8yo will feel hugely guilty. That is a lot to lay at the door of a "sensitive child".

You and your DH need to make the decision yourselves.

I suspect OP has buggered off.
She failed to mention that according to her other thread from April she's also pregnant and her OH has been messaging an old flame.
So lots to be thinking about here

@ExpectTheWorst That thread is 2 years old.

You need to decide and take the responsibility back away from her.
My daughter and I are moving at age 11 for pretty much the same reason you describe. Well not the fall out as we've no family here. But that we're isolated. My year 6 daughter is happy to move, but wasn't at first.

It'll work out long term for all of you. Just focus on the implementation of your decision and involve your 8 year old. Research clubs she can join, research schools, etc. Just involve her on the positive things she'll do. Do google street view walk to parks and other places, ... show the good things.

So many children don't manage to hold onto their primary school friends anyway, especially when they go to high school.