AIBU to allow our 8 year old to decide if we move or not

[Starfamxx]

My partner is from England and I am from scotland, I have lived in scotland my full life and my partner came on a trip, we met and he decided to stay, we have went on to start a family and our oldest little one is 8.

About a year ago there was a huge family fall out and basically none of my family speak to each other anymore - us included! so we have literally no family here at all which is very isolating, it is just the 4 of us, my partner and myself haven’t even been for a coffee together just the 2 of us in over a year we have zero help from anyone, we don’t get to go to family get togethers etc because we have no family life is literally just the 4 of us and it’s hard I also worry about the social aspect for our kids as they only have us.

My partners family are amazing but of course live in England. They love us and our babies. We go down there once a month/every 2 months and it’s just so lovely it feels like life should be, we have family dinners, our girls get to be around other people not just us! So my partner and myself have been thinking about moving, it’s 5 hours away from where we are now so it would mean us both moving jobs, getting a new home and our oldest daughter moving schools.

It seems like a no brainer right? The only thing that is making us not take the jump is our little girl, she is very quiet and shy and not the most outgoing she is also very sensitive and has one best friend here who she adores and the thought of moving her to a different school is so scary for me and her, I would never forgive myself if she didn't make friends.

We spoke to her yesterday and she said that she would love to move because she gets sad that we have no family here and she misses everyone but she’s scared about moving schools so we said once the schools and everything are open again we will go visit some and then we will make a decision together - one minute she’s so excited saying she wants to move and then last night we were up until 1am with her really upset crying saying she would miss her friend and was scared about a new school.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don’t want to put too much pressure on her but I also want her to be involved in the decision. AIBU to allow her to have such a say in a huge life decision? And also I would love to hear if anyone’s children has moved schools and how it went? How were your kids? Did they make friends? I’m so worried about her being the only Scottish child, will they single her out? Will they understand her?

Sorry to ramble but I would love to hear other people’s stories and opinions

Thank you

Hey OP

Haven't read the thread sorry but I'd say you need to make the decision for her and the whole family.

While it's understandable to go with what she wants, she's so young she has no life experience or understanding of getting through these things.

Also it can actually be scary for young children to be given responsibility or being told they can be in charge of decision making.

Sounds like it makes sense for you to move back down.

Good luck x

Speaking as a child who moved when an early teen, the move was a lot easier on my younger siblings than me.
They moved to new primary schools where they only needed to really get to know one or two teachers, they sat with the same people for most of the day, therefore assisting in friendships, the next big change for them of a move to high school was done with their friends and not moving to a totally different school/area alone, and despite it being tough for them, the change was less so, than for a hormonal teenager who had just settled into high school, had to get to know numerous different teachers, find a way around a massive school and friendship groups are more settled and harder to break in to.
Take her to look at the area with a view to looking at schools (maybe online for now), get a feel for the schools, the area, be positive, but don't paint a grass is greener just in case it is a bit tough at first, don't let it become the main topic of conversation at home too, when our parents moved us it was all consuming for the 6 months before we moved and I began to resent them and the situation as nothing else seemed to be important at that time.
Good luck and I hope you get to a decision soon.

You're rhebadult. You decide then tellnyoir child whatvis happenning. Make itbhappennin a positive way to help with the transition.
Thousands of kids move up and down the country and abroad tonstart new life's every week. Military families Rw one example. One or 2 big moves won't massively impact a child if some with a positive attitude. Lots and lots of moves can have an impact negative and positive, depending on the child and how it is sold to them. Too much choice and leeway creates confusion and puts pressure on a child. A child is unlikely to be able to know what such a move will involve except anew school and friends.

You decide then tell your child what is happenning.

Yeah I think this is a bit odd.

I think it's far too much pressure to put on her and if she thinks she has been in any way responsible for the decision either way she may blame herself for any repurcussions further down the line.

Also, we have never had family nearby, parents and inlaws live miles away. But we have friends. I can't say I've ever felt isolated in fact many of our friends are in the same position. So I suppose I find it strange that this has become a big enough issue that you want to uproot everyone. Could you maybe focus on making new connections where you are?

You absolutely can't put a decision like that on a small child. It's not fair, and whatever decision they made would feel like the wrong one to them in the long term.

As the adults in the family, you make the decision based on what is best for the whole family, now, and in the future. The fact that your daughter is a bit shy, and nervous of the idea of a new school honestly shouldn't come into it. Lots of kids would be nervous of the idea of a new school, but they'll be over it by lunch time on the first day.

I definitely think this is a decision for the adults. Not simply because it's a big decision which has to work for the whole family, not just the wee girl, but also because I think the option is a lot of pressure. She'll adapt one way or the other. A fresh start could be the best thing, even if it is scary!

Are you out of your mind? Putting all that pressure on a small child who already has anxiety issues is not going to go well.

You and your partner are the ones in charge. You make the decision and you deal with the consequences.

No, you can't put this on the back of an 8 year old. She'll always feel guilty wondering if she's made the right choice. You need to take charge as a parent. Don't you have any friends seeing you've been there your whole life? I've only been in my area 6 years but have a huge network through my dc of people we have holidays, days out with special occasions with etc.

Just wondering if the OP and partner being young-mid 20's is affecting how they are handling this in telling child before fact finding ? Maybe not just asking.

I don't think she should have been involved in the discussion at this point. It has only made her sad and dragged out the feeling of displacement. Now she is worried.

You as parents make the decision based on everyone's best interests and the pros and cons. At 8, the decisions she makes are about how to decorate her new room and how soon to have a sleepover with the cousins.

Now that you've put this out there, I think that you should move as soon as possible, if it's what you intend to do anyway. Don't drag out the hard part (saying goodbye) for longer than necessary.

Hi OP,
Due to changing job locations, our DC have moved several times and I promise you that they have always adapted and settled well, even my shy one. Home is ultimately wherever you are and you can make it a really exciting adventure. Hopefully your DD’s accent will be more of an interesting novelty rather than anything else and won’t make any difference to her ability to make friends. My oldest is now at secondary school but I can say from experience that it felt easier to move them when they were younger. Friendship groups and past shared history aren’t as forged and all of the schools we have so far experienced have been very good at allocating them a buddy or making the other children excited about their arrival. I completely understand your reasons for involving and talking to your DD about the idea but she will take her lead from you and if you are positive about everything then she will be fine. From what you have said it sounds like the difference in location would be beneficial for all of you and the knock on effect from everything you would gain would pass on to your DD’s experience.

We moved the other way when DC was 6, almost 7. We'd originally moved down south when he was a baby as housing availability and job ops were better but always planned to move back so he had his main schooling in Scotland.

We never consulted DS, it was just a given. He settled well and though he did miss his friends, he soon made new ones.

I think if you are looking to move you need to focus more on the practicalities. How easy will it be to get jobs, buy/rent a house? What about before/after school care/school holidays if your DP's family can't/won't step up? We had to pay a childminder as there was no-one who would take DC after school.

On the other hand, if you like where you live and your kids are happy just now, could you look at widening your social circle? Get to know other parents at your DC's school, sign up for after-school clubs etc. This could give you a safety net of people who could help out in an emergency (reciprocal obvs).

Also, the estrangement with your family may not last, I've had fall-outs in my family where the cracks eventually get smoothed over. Could you reach out (horrible expression but I think it's appropriate here) to someone you used to be close to and just ask them how they're doing?

My best friend when I was 8, was no longer my best friend by the age of 11. No fallout just grew up into different personalities. You need to show confidence, be encouraging, get her excited about being around family, new friends. Children take theor queue from adults a lot.

My parents allowed my sister to make this decision when she was about the same age, with the result that we never got the life we wanted and ended up being stuck in a place we didn’t like until I left home/they retired. In fairness my sister is still friends with the girl she wanted to stay for, but I don’t think that friendship was worth holding back the rest of the family for.

Go now. Don’t wait til age 13 which my parents did with me. Year 8 is tough.
Her best friend could move tomorrow, or they could fall out. She will make more friends, even if it’s hard at the time.

Youd never forgive yourself if you made the wrong decision but you think its ok to put that responsibility on the shoulders of an 8 year old? You are the adults. Sit down, write a list of pros and cons and make a decision on it yourselves.

I say that as someone who made a (probably wrong) decision to move around the same distance once. It's worked out all right in the end but if I could turn back the clock I wouldn't do it again

you're basically pinning the happiness of your family on this one friend. the connection with family will help smooth the path. I can't imagine any shy child wanting to leave the known quantity of school to the unknown. but you do it anyway. she'd potentially be leaving the friend for secondary so unless you wait til then..?

@whatshebininagain

We moved the other way when DC was 6, almost 7. We'd originally moved down south when he was a baby as housing availability and job ops were better but always planned to move back so he had his main schooling in Scotland.

We never consulted DS, it was just a given. He settled well and though he did miss his friends, he soon made new ones.

I think if you are looking to move you need to focus more on the practicalities. How easy will it be to get jobs, buy/rent a house? What about before/after school care/school holidays if your DP's family can't/won't step up? We had to pay a childminder as there was no-one who would take DC after school.

On the other hand, if you like where you live and your kids are happy just now, could you look at widening your social circle? Get to know other parents at your DC's school, sign up for after-school clubs etc. This could give you a safety net of people who could help out in an emergency (reciprocal obvs).

Also, the estrangement with your family may not last, I've had fall-outs in my family where the cracks eventually get smoothed over. Could you reach out (horrible expression but I think it's appropriate here) to someone you used to be close to and just ask them how they're doing?

This - word for word .

I would clarify to her that you will take her opinion into account, but you as the parents will be making the decision (rather than "as a family" which is vague), which should reduce the anxiety somewhat.

They can't make a properly informed decision about something like that at that age anyway.

If you do decide to move (which does sound advisable if you think the relationship with your relatives is not salvegeable) , you can facilitate ways of staying in touch with her friend. But she will make others.

We moved several hundred miles at the end of year 4. This was always the plan. Dd was shy and quiet. She started just before half term year 5 winter term. She made 5 good friends immediately and had a fabulous 2 years at Primary before going up to Secondary with them. It was the best thing we could have done for her. She is a different child.

If you want to move, do it and be positive. If you decide not to do it, it will also be fine. I moved areas as a child and it was fine. Children will take the lead from their parents. I do also think it’s important to try and out down more social roots with friends as well as family. It’s unfortunate you have fallen out with your family but that doesn’t mean you have to move unless you decide that’s the best thing for your family.

And I made an effort to keep in touch with 2 friends from old school, she skypes them and meet up every so often.
We took her to look at houses, and I took her to look at 2 schools. I managed expectations 're schools as there was no guarantee we would get the school we wanted ( we did under the fair access protocol). I did give reassurance about toys/furniture coming. It went better than I thought tbh.

Again... she hasn’t been told she gets to make the decision

You have repeated this in every post. We know that she hasn't been told.

The shouting post was ridiculous but I assume it's because you are pissed off that 100% of responses have said it's terrible parenting and to answer your title - yes you are unreasonable and wrong.

Before you again say she hasn’t been told she gets to make the decision WE KNOW and you are still wrong. Nothing you say will change that.

You're the adult. Kids need to learn to do as they're told.
No wonder a lot of kids are growing up to be spoilt brats these days.
It's up to you as the adult to decide, not a kid.

I'd move but you need to gets jobs? c
Could you afford the housing? Childcare? All these need answered first.