AIBU... Hen Do Abroad.

[LunasOrchid]

I've NCd and changed a few details as to not out myself. I know COVID-19 might have an impact here but let's imagine for the sake of this that it won't.

I'm married to my DH and we have a 4yo DS together. Last week I was invited to a friend's hen do that will be abroad for 4 nights. I was excited at the prospect and told DH. But DH has raised some points and now I'm doubting that I should go.

So the points he's raised are...

• I work in education so the hen do would need to be during the school holidays for me to be able to attend.

• DH works a mixture or night and early shifts so we'd have no childcare, DH would have to use his AL.

• We are trying to save for a house deposit. We aren't financially well off, have some debt but have been trying hard the past few months. The hen do which is likely to cost hundreds will need to come out of that fund.

• DH has been wanting to go on holiday for ages now. We haven't been abroad for a few years and he can't wait for us to take DS on his first proper holiday. I'll admit that I have been pretty determined to save for a deposit so have always said no to holidays. Dh has said he doesn't think it's fair that I can spend our money going on a piss up abroad whilst I've been saying no to us going on a family holiday.

• I am MoH for my best friend and will be going abroad for her do in 2022. DH has said that's 2 holidays for me and zero for the family.

• When I've said that I'll get a bit of grief from my friend for not going my DH has that our situation is completely different to theirs. All my friends either live at home with their parents or own their own homes already. None of my friends have children so our circumstances are different and we have very little disposable income.

AIBU and selfish to consider going? Just to clarify, this was not an argument. DH wasn't angry, we were jusy having a discussion about it last night.

I agree with your DH I think, unless there are extra factors that make his response unreasonable. I don’t get why anyone would ask people to pay for 4 nights abroad for a hen but maybe that’s just me!

Sorry hadn’t read the thread properly, but point is basically the same!

Overseas stag and hen dos have the habit of bringing out the angry at the invite side of MNers - that other people doings differently isn't ok.

For those asking, overseas stag and hens became the norm about the same time going for cheap holidays abroad with a group of friends became the norm. When it became the norm to marry a little later so you've not gone from holidays with your parents to holidays with you husband/wife with only a couple of years inbetween when everyone was too poor to go away anyway.

If most people don't marry and have DCs in a group until late 20s/early 30s, then there's quite a few years when popping away with a group of mates is perfectly normal thing to do anyway, so isn't a big deal to do that for a stag or hen.

The problem is if you happen to have DCs a bit earlier than everyone else in your friendship group, then everyone else is still in the "lots of money and free time" stage when you don't.

If you cannot afford a family holiday, you cannot afford a piss up with mates.

wait, how come you get to decide what all the money goes on?

you say your DH works so he must get money right?

so if he wants a family holiday he can damn well have one he doesnt need permission to spend that money (regardless of what you 'save' or 'spend' your income on)

totally can't see how you would put friends above you DH and child, that actually really sad and shocking - if you werent controlling and opressing them by banning family holidays then I would say if you can afford it then go but the fact you are actively taking from your husband and child for your own selfish needs leaving them without while you go on TWO luxuary holiday... no way

I would not go on a friend trip abroad if I couldn’t afford a family trip. I definitely wouldn’t go on two.

@mam0918 haha you go girl!

Except this is actually a reverse and it's the hubby wanting to go..,,

You do sound rather selfish.

I agree with your husband. Incidentally this is exactly why I chose to have a low key hen do in my home town. I knew certain friends weren’t exactly flush and I didn’t want to price anyone out of my hen do. It was more important to me who was there rather than spending a couple of days abroad just because that’s what’s expected now.

I also knew a friend who got married and two friends couldn’t come because of finances.

Love it when on p.7 people are still missing the many memos that this is a reverse.

Do people just read the OP and nothing else 😳.

It’s understandable that your DH is gutted but he can’t go, you can’t afford it re money and time so unfortunately he has to accept it.

I really wish reverses were . Deleted - waste of my time as I refuse to comment

Love it when on p.7 people are still missing the many memos that this is a reverse.
What's the bloody point of a reverse? They're both unnecessary and tedious.
Missing the memo my arse.

fucking reverse threads should mean a ban imo

Stag do and hen do's abroad are too expensive. Unless you have plenty of spare money and no debts and not saving they are not really possible for most I dont think.
We have had to say no to some over the years. Even some in this country get expensive and unless it's someone close then it's not worth it.

YABVU and your DH is right on every point.

I think given he’s been wanting a holiday for years and you’ve always said no as well that it’s really selfish and cheeky of you to even consider it.

Oh ffs 🤦‍♀️ A reverse 😡

You know I wasn't sure about reverses but I think this thread has very neatly proved why they exist. There is so much unconscious bias from women, against other women. You have all, without exception slammed the op and ftom other comments I've read on here that wouldn't be the case if she had not done a reverse.

If if weren't the case why would so many of you be annoyed finding out that is a man wanting to bugger, off not a woman?

It's not that common to shag around on hen dos but practically mandatory on a stag do, which makes it even worse. I certainly can't imagine a maid of honour hiring a hooker for the bride to be.

Stop letting men off the hook for things you are then judging a woman for!

@Rach000 - stag dos and hen dos abroad are too expensive, unless you happen to be in a group of friends who regularly do trips away as a group anyway and can easily afford them.

Which was the situation when I went through that phase of my life when everyone got married (I had a UK hen do). Then when I had small pre-school DCs, it would have been a stretch, and now it's back to being easily affordable, just now I have to factor in working around DH's work commitments if I want to go away as we have DCs who need to be looked after.

See, only 'selfish and unaffordable' if you can't afford them or the time.

It seems the OP's DP's problem is he's out of step with his friendship group, they are at the stage of being able to go away, spare money and time, and he's missing out as he can't - perhaps when he was in the stage of being able to do these things, his friends weren't.