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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... Hen Do Abroad.

169 replies

LunasOrchid · 03/06/2020 08:38

I've NCd and changed a few details as to not out myself. I know COVID-19 might have an impact here but let's imagine for the sake of this that it won't.

I'm married to my DH and we have a 4yo DS together. Last week I was invited to a friend's hen do that will be abroad for 4 nights. I was excited at the prospect and told DH. But DH has raised some points and now I'm doubting that I should go.

So the points he's raised are...

  • I work in education so the hen do would need to be during the school holidays for me to be able to attend.
  • DH works a mixture or night and early shifts so we'd have no childcare, DH would have to use his AL.
  • We are trying to save for a house deposit. We aren't financially well off, have some debt but have been trying hard the past few months. The hen do which is likely to cost hundreds will need to come out of that fund.
  • DH has been wanting to go on holiday for ages now. We haven't been abroad for a few years and he can't wait for us to take DS on his first proper holiday. I'll admit that I have been pretty determined to save for a deposit so have always said no to holidays. Dh has said he doesn't think it's fair that I can spend our money going on a piss up abroad whilst I've been saying no to us going on a family holiday.
  • I am MoH for my best friend and will be going abroad for her do in 2022. DH has said that's 2 holidays for me and zero for the family.
  • When I've said that I'll get a bit of grief from my friend for not going my DH has that our situation is completely different to theirs. All my friends either live at home with their parents or own their own homes already. None of my friends have children so our circumstances are different and we have very little disposable income.

AIBU and selfish to consider going? Just to clarify, this was not an argument. DH wasn't angry, we were jusy having a discussion about it last night.

OP posts:
ginghamtablecloths · 03/06/2020 09:30

Sorry, I think it's selfish to go away twice with mates when your own family cannot. Too bad about the grief that your friend will give you. It sounds like you are at different life stages and so obviously there's no understanding from them. I'm glad I'm not in your shoes but someone is going to have to be grown up about this and It's a shame that in their eyes it appears that you are a killjoy. The others are lucky that they can still behave like adolescents but you have responsibilities now and must put your family first.

ittakes2 · 03/06/2020 09:31

I would normally say you should go - but if you have said no to family holidays it’s not fair then to go abroad for a hen do. If there is a chance the hen do is during school holidays in a country you want to go to, than you could always go the four days and have your husband and child join you for a week after the hen.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/06/2020 09:31

RTFT

Laiste · 03/06/2020 09:33

In fact ... i'd be tempted to say oh yes off you go! I'm bored with the saving as well - we'll spunk the deposit money on a few hoilldays. I'll go off with to Spain in a few weeks with Tracy and then maybe we can go away as a family in the spring as well. To hell with the deposit now ay?

See if you can do it dead pan. And see what he says.

Original poster
LunasOrchid · 03/06/2020 09:34

I apologise again for the reverse. But I didn't want people to jump to selfish man child. When he really isn't.

He is the most selfless person I know and there's no way he would tell his friends that 'his missus won't let me. He knows deep down he can't go, he didn't argue with me. I just feel awful for him.

OP posts:
CoronaMoaner · 03/06/2020 09:34

Reading the OP I thought you were being a bit selfish but knew it wasn’t viable.
Seeing it’s a reverse made me angry because he wants you to be the one to say no.
At least if he had come to that decision by himself that would be something. But no. He wants you to be the bad guy who says no.
He sounds like an immature arse tbh.

Laiste · 03/06/2020 09:34

By the way OP. This is one of the problems with doing a reverse thread. A third of posters won't have read any of your updates.

OscarWildesCat · 03/06/2020 09:35

Not what you asked necessarily, (but fwiw I don’t think you should go) but these brides who insist that everyone pays through the nose, regardless of their individual circumstances, to celebrate their hen do’s really get on my nerves, why are they so important?.

Laiste · 03/06/2020 09:36

If he knows deep down he can't go why was he excited at the prospect and told you so?

CoronaMoaner · 03/06/2020 09:37

Just saw the update. Not sure why you posted or what advice you are after.
He knows deep down he can’t go and he’s not a selfish person. Problem solved then?!

OscarWildesCat · 03/06/2020 09:37

Sorry, seen the update as comments don’t always load on my phone, stand by my comment though, he shouldn’t go.

CoronaMoaner · 03/06/2020 09:38

@OscarWildesCat it’s a reverse. It’s not the bride being insistent it’s actually the OP’s DH that ‘wants’ to go on a stage do.

Notcontent · 03/06/2020 09:40

I think there is a bit of a double standard that is applied to things like this by many people. It does feel like, on mumsnet at least, many people take the view that men are somehow more “entitled” to trips away with their mates, whole weekends spent doing their “hobbies”, etc. So I am not surprised the OP did a reverse.

AntiHop · 03/06/2020 09:41

Definitely unreasonable to go on the stag.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 03/06/2020 09:42

Apart from "getting grief from his friends" (is your DH 12?) what are the reasons he wants to put himself first? Or have I answered my own question there...

Sally872 · 03/06/2020 09:42

He shouldn't go and it is ok for him to feel disappointed. That doesn't mean you should feel obliged to fix it. You can't as you both agree he shouldn't go.

You are disappointed he is missing out too but you're both making the best choice for your family.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 03/06/2020 09:44

YABU. You wanted to save and said no to holidays but now you want to go abroad for a 4-night hen party and want to spend hundreds of pounds of savings?
I think that would be extremely selfish and also barmy as you also have debt. There are two people in your relationship aren't there?

What would you say if your DH wanted to go on a 4-night stag do and use savings and you had to use annual leave to stay at home caring for your son?

Kids don't need expensive holidays abroad at that age. If I was in your situation, I would, when it is safe to do so, go on a cheap beach holiday in this country, use savings to pay down/off debt and then start saving in earnest for a home of your own.

The bride-to-be should not have expectations that everyone will be able to afford to spend so much money and time just to attend her hen party.

Vodkacranberryplease · 03/06/2020 09:44

I knew this was a reverse straight away. You know how? Because a woman would have told her mates no straight away. No thread needed. No plaintive 'I'm so disappointed' nonsense. Tbh OP he shouldn't have put you in this position. Now you feel guilty for being the bad guy.

Stag dos abroad are expensive though. All those strippers etc cost a fortune.

diddl · 03/06/2020 09:45

I think if there's debt it would be really strange to spend on a stag do rather than clearing debt.

The only point I might not agree with is someone having to take AL whilst the other was away.

If there was money & still AL for a family holiday, I don't think that one should quibble about a couple of days off work so that the other could attend something important to them.

CatToddlerUprising · 03/06/2020 09:45

Are you not invited to the wedding? Or is there a way you can turn the abroad wedding he is going to in to a holiday for the three of you?

donquixotedelamancha · 03/06/2020 09:46

Why arse about with reverses?

Because if the OP was about a bloke then by 60 messages in several posters would have told her to LTB and a couple would be convinced he was lying to cover an affair.

For example:

DH understands and isn't angry. He's just disappointed that he's missing out, he feels like he always does. Which I get.
He is the most selfless person I know and there's no way he would tell his friends that 'his missus won't let me.

Elicits the response:

Reading the OP I thought you were being a bit selfish but knew it wasn’t viable. Seeing it’s a reverse made me angry because he wants you to be the one to say no....He sounds like an immature arse tbh.

Laiste · 03/06/2020 09:46

I think it's just the stag do that's abroad. Not the wedding. Could be wrong.

BogRollBOGOF · 03/06/2020 09:47

Regardless of reverses hens/ stags, it's not fair when the rest of the household is making significant concessions for no benefit.

BessMarvin · 03/06/2020 09:48

Did he have his own stag do and did you have a fun wedding?

Just my point is that if you're the first to have kids in your group you get to do this. If you're the last to get married and have kids then you end up with all your friends not being able to come on your big stag do and when you get married all your friends piss off home at 8.30 cos of the children.

Just pointing out the plus side of your way round.

(I suppose the ideal is somewhere in the middle.)

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/06/2020 09:48

Oh, a reverse... Hmm