AIBU... Hen Do Abroad.

[LunasOrchid]

I've NCd and changed a few details as to not out myself. I know COVID-19 might have an impact here but let's imagine for the sake of this that it won't.

I'm married to my DH and we have a 4yo DS together. Last week I was invited to a friend's hen do that will be abroad for 4 nights. I was excited at the prospect and told DH. But DH has raised some points and now I'm doubting that I should go.

So the points he's raised are...

• I work in education so the hen do would need to be during the school holidays for me to be able to attend.

• DH works a mixture or night and early shifts so we'd have no childcare, DH would have to use his AL.

• We are trying to save for a house deposit. We aren't financially well off, have some debt but have been trying hard the past few months. The hen do which is likely to cost hundreds will need to come out of that fund.

• DH has been wanting to go on holiday for ages now. We haven't been abroad for a few years and he can't wait for us to take DS on his first proper holiday. I'll admit that I have been pretty determined to save for a deposit so have always said no to holidays. Dh has said he doesn't think it's fair that I can spend our money going on a piss up abroad whilst I've been saying no to us going on a family holiday.

• I am MoH for my best friend and will be going abroad for her do in 2022. DH has said that's 2 holidays for me and zero for the family.

• When I've said that I'll get a bit of grief from my friend for not going my DH has that our situation is completely different to theirs. All my friends either live at home with their parents or own their own homes already. None of my friends have children so our circumstances are different and we have very little disposable income.

AIBU and selfish to consider going? Just to clarify, this was not an argument. DH wasn't angry, we were jusy having a discussion about it last night.

Not what I've seen Scarlett - so bollocks yourself.

The problem is the family can afford it. Just they've agreed to not spend the money, to save it instead towards a deposit.

In my experience, it's harder to say no to things you want to do that you could technically say yes too, but are saying no for some other reason (like you want to save for the house deposit).

It's up to you OP. If you feel bad that he's missing out, if you think that if you were in his shoes you really would like to at least go on one of these, then why not say yes? It's your choice effectively.

The biggest takeaway for me is that he can't actually afford this holiday, you would be increasing your debt (or not paying it off) to be able to pay for it, its ridiculous. Unless he can save up the money (from his own salary) whilst paying off the debt I wouldn't even think about it. The other points also have great validity too.

He's allowed to feel sadness that he is missing out, but he should realise that you both made a commitment to pay off debts, save for a deposit and have a child. His first responsbility needs to be these, and he should not be making you feel guilty for sticking to that.

Hens and stags have gotten really out of control. I don't want to sound like a party pooper, and I genuinely do get the sentiment behind it - happiest day of your friend's life, waving them off as they say goodbye to being young and single and hello to "grown up" family life etc. But how can people afford this?

my hen do was a meal out followed by a few bottles of wine at my house. I would have felt so guilty if my friends had organised a huge trip abroad, costing everyone hundreds of pounds and using up their annual leave. I probably could afford it (if I had some time to save up) but I have plenty of friends who couldn't afford it.

Unless the bride and groom are moving in very wealthy circles then it seems utterly ridiculous to expect everyone to cough up for a foreign holiday. It's really sad to think that people are agonising over whether or not they should be taking money out of their housing deposit fund in order to have a piss up with their mates in another country when they could just as easily meet up somewhere local for a night out. Bloody ridiculous.

@Alittleshortforaspacepooper I don't want to sound like a party pooper, and I genuinely do get the sentiment behind it - happiest day of your friend's life, waving them off as they say goodbye to being young and single and hello to "grown up" family life etc.

Bless your naive little heart! This is what many HEN dos are. Stag does however are about saying goodbye to freedom and one last hurrah before you're doomed forever. Plus a chance for a massive party away from the prying eyes of partners. 😁

@YetAnotherSpartacus

I figured it was a reverse, but was fascinated because I have seen so many similar threads over the years where the situation has not been a reverse (it'd been the DH going away) and none have had 95% saying he is being unreasonable. In fact, quite a few have berated the OP for not 'letting' him go. There was a similar one just the other day about the OP discovering a list of things her OH wanted to do, including going on solo trips, and a great number seemed to think she was being unreasonable for making it a 'battle' to go even tho finances were tight and she would be left with all the child care.

I was slightly disappointed it was a reverse because I thought it made a change to have a woman wanting to go on an expensive hen do while her husband was worried about the finances. I agree with YetAnotherSpartacus that voting seems to be more even when it is a man wanting to go on a stag do abroad.

Of course you are right LunasOrchid that saving for a deposit and family holiday take priority but it is hard when most of your friends don't have your financial responsibilities. I guess what it boils down to is how much it would cost and if the groom would agree to do something cheaper at home so all his friends could come.

When did it become a thing to do abroad for extended holidays dressed up as a hen or stag do? Back in my day when bread was tuppence, and we all lived in cardboard boxes under the motorway, you had a Saturday night out the week before your wedding, had a good few drinks, then went dancing then home. Eee life were reet grand. And hen do's didn't cost a grand either!

Save up, go and have a great time why is he raining on your parade. If I said to DH I was going abroad on a hen he’d say ok when is it? End of.

DH understands and isn't angry. He's just disappointed that he's missing out, he feels like he always does. Which I get.

He feels like he is always missing out? Well, tough- he decided to marry and you presumably decided to start a family together with all that entails.
He is not always missing out - you said he's going abroad on another stag do in 2022.

He is the most selfless person I know and there's no way he would tell his friends that 'his missus won't let me.
You think? Have you heard what he tells his friends?

He knows deep down he can't go, he didn't argue with me. I just feel awful for him.
When I read the OP and saw the arguments DH allegedly set out (but of course it was you doing a reverse - very annoying by the way) what sprung to mind was that you (ie. DH) should not have needed to have these arguments spelled out.
I don't think he is as selfless as you make out actually. He is a father now and things change. Instead of being "disappointed" he should be saving money so you can all go on a family holiday together instead of thinking about pissing it up the wall on two stag-dos.
The one with his best friend and him being best man - fair enough - but two is taking the piss.
Honestly, if he was that great a man he would have told you he had been invited to the stag do but that he wouldn't be going for the reasons you had to spell out to him.

Stop feeling sorry for him/feeling bad for him whatever - I bet you've had to make a load of sacrifices and changes of lifestyle since you became a mother too.

@Nevertouchakoala

Save up, go and have a great time why is he raining on your parade. If I said to DH I was going abroad on a hen he’d say ok when is it? End of.

Save up, go and have a great time why is he raining on your parade. If I said to DH I was going abroad on a hen he’d say ok when is it? End of.

He, the DH (because it's a fucking reverse) is already going on a stag do and it's clear from the OP's post that they aren't in that great a situation financially - debt to clear, needing to save up for a house deposit, no money for a family holiday, very little disposable income, the cost of the stag do which he is going to etcetc.
Your DH might well be able to say "Fine, when is it?" but your financial circumstances might be very different.

Ye I have to say I agree with your DH. With the deposit, the upcoming hen night for the 2022 wedding, the lack of family holiday, and debt, the priority should be being sensible and also prioritising a family holiday. I would tell your friend you cant go. She has to understand that not everyone has money to go abroad for a 4 night hen do.

Oh - I was surprised reading the OP, because it sounded so unlikely that a mum would take a holiday when DC and DH couldn't have one! I was about to join in the chorus of YABU. But it's really your husband, there's a surprise

He's just disappointed that he's missing out, he feels like he always does.

But he's only missing out compared with his childless friends, isn't he? The same as you. You and DH have a child and are saving for your own home; your friends have overseas holidays.

It's only temporary, but you happen to have reached that stage of life a bit before DH's friends. I'd try to put a bit aside for a cheap family holiday.

I completely agree with your DH in our house unless we all get a family holiday together we don't have any trips apart over the year. It doesn't seem fair to DH that he's expected to go without a holiday and use his annual leave so you can go on two holidays.
Yes it'll feel shitty and you'll feel like a bit of a stick in the mud, but if you can't afford to go on holiday together then you shouldn't be going alone.

Can I add OP this is why I hate it when friends get married, there is so much expectation and expense involved for everyone. I have a friend who wanted a local hendo, a friends only hen do holiday and then a spa weekend before her destination wedding to a 5 star resort with upwards of 10 hours flying time. There was also the stag do weekend out of the country for DH and a mens retreat in the woods. By the time we worked costs out we were being asked to spend more on attending their wedding than we had budgeted for our own. We pulled out of all but 1 hen do and stag do each but things were a bit awkward for a while, it wasn't until another couple in our group got married that they understood.

Agree with your DH 100%. Poor DS can’t have a family holiday but his mum can spend £100s on a piss-up? Not fair.

Oops sorry just realised it’s a reverse 🤦‍♀️

I think in the circumstances a reverse was a good idea. When I read the OP I immediately thought, well if a man wanted to do that he’d get flamed on here so let’s see if a woman does too!

Just spotted it was a reverse.
Yeah OP it's rubbish for DH because it's his friends, if it was your friends it would be rubbish for you.
I don't believe as other have said that he's selfish. I'm the one who deals with the financial side of things in our family so DH would have asked me how finances looked to consider going.

Not really hard to "spot" as OP said it ages ago and it has been repeated endlessly since if people bothered to RTFT

I'd be peed off if dh spent hundreds on a pals holiday rather than a family one, and expected me to take AL to look after the kids

Why do people insist on having self-important stag and hen dos abroad anyway? As well as being totally unnecessary and ruinously expensive, it puts people like you and your DH is really difficult situations.

Family holiday first

Why do people insist on having self-important stag and hen dos abroad anyway? As well as being totally unnecessary and ruinously expensive, it puts people like you and your DH is really difficult situations.

It's the expectation that people will be able to find the money and also the time off work/childcare etc - and then the whining and making feel people bad when they've explained they can't go.

Personally my first priority would be a family holiday, not a hen do with mates. I think the other stuff can be resolved (he could AL, you could perhaps ask someone to help like parents, ILs etc), but no way I'd spend money with mates if I hadn't been away with DH and DCs.