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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... Hen Do Abroad.

169 replies

LunasOrchid · 03/06/2020 08:38

I've NCd and changed a few details as to not out myself. I know COVID-19 might have an impact here but let's imagine for the sake of this that it won't.

I'm married to my DH and we have a 4yo DS together. Last week I was invited to a friend's hen do that will be abroad for 4 nights. I was excited at the prospect and told DH. But DH has raised some points and now I'm doubting that I should go.

So the points he's raised are...

  • I work in education so the hen do would need to be during the school holidays for me to be able to attend.
  • DH works a mixture or night and early shifts so we'd have no childcare, DH would have to use his AL.
  • We are trying to save for a house deposit. We aren't financially well off, have some debt but have been trying hard the past few months. The hen do which is likely to cost hundreds will need to come out of that fund.
  • DH has been wanting to go on holiday for ages now. We haven't been abroad for a few years and he can't wait for us to take DS on his first proper holiday. I'll admit that I have been pretty determined to save for a deposit so have always said no to holidays. Dh has said he doesn't think it's fair that I can spend our money going on a piss up abroad whilst I've been saying no to us going on a family holiday.
  • I am MoH for my best friend and will be going abroad for her do in 2022. DH has said that's 2 holidays for me and zero for the family.
  • When I've said that I'll get a bit of grief from my friend for not going my DH has that our situation is completely different to theirs. All my friends either live at home with their parents or own their own homes already. None of my friends have children so our circumstances are different and we have very little disposable income.

AIBU and selfish to consider going? Just to clarify, this was not an argument. DH wasn't angry, we were jusy having a discussion about it last night.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 03/06/2020 09:48

Your DH is right. A family holiday should take priority over a hen do.

This.

The whole idea of hen-dos and weddings abroad is ridiculous, unless either groom or bride has strong connections in another country.

aSofaNearYou · 03/06/2020 09:49

This is why I struggle to understand why anyone would be arrogant enough to assume their friends are focused enough on them to put this level of time and money into their stag/hen do.

PinkMonkeyBird · 03/06/2020 09:50

Yes, your husband is right. I'd take a family holiday over a bloody hen do abroad any day if finances are tight. It's very unreasonable of the bride(zilla) to expect people to do this, especially with what is going on in the current climate....virus and financially.

PinkMonkeyBird · 03/06/2020 09:50

This is why I struggle to understand why anyone would be arrogant enough to assume their friends are focused enough on them to put this level of time and money into their stag/hen do.

This!!!

Teawiththat · 03/06/2020 09:51

I thought it might be a reverse, these threads pop up all of the time about stag dos. If you could afford it and childcare would be workable then it's reasonable to go in my opinion, as that isn't the case, you are being reasonable. It's a shame he is missing out, but I am sure there are plenty of things you have wanted to do but not been able to due to childcare and money, it's the way the cookie crumbles. Most people who have their main stag abroad have a night out here too, so hopefully that will happen (or he could suggest it) so he can still celebrate.

Pugsrus · 03/06/2020 09:53

100% agree with your husband

Teawiththat · 03/06/2020 09:54

This is why I struggle to understand why anyone would be arrogant enough to assume their friends are focused enough on them to put this level of time and money into their stag/hen do.

It depends what it's doing I suppose, I had mine at a music festival as we all go every year anyway, so although the cost was a fair bit we would have spent it anyway. Most of my friends who have done them abroad have asked where people would like to go and we have gone instead of the annual holiday we usually take together, and don't get arsey if people can't or don't want to go. People who arrange there somewhere random and expect people to take the time off of work and spend £££s to go somewhere they probably don't want to go I totally agree.

HollowTalk · 03/06/2020 09:54

Another one who thinks it's a reverse, but this is the most important argument he has (you have):

Dh has said he doesn't think it's fair that I can spend our money going on a piss up abroad whilst I've been saying no to us going on a family holiday.

Teawiththat · 03/06/2020 09:55

OP has confirmed it's a reverse...

Susanna85 · 03/06/2020 10:01

I knew it was a reverse as my DH had the exact same situation a couple of years ago. I think there's a lot of pressure for them to go on these all out crazy stag dos. My DH found it difficult telling his mates he wasn't going and they weren't very understanding (all lived at parents house/ no bills / no kids).

It's unfair for him to use your house deposit & family holiday fund to pay for it.

I've just had to refuse the hen do of a good friend as it's abroad. I simply don't have the time or money for 3 days away and suggested I could organise for her a simple meal and drinks in our city for anyone

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 03/06/2020 10:02

Yes I think you are being selfish. We had a similar situation a while ago and I told dp if he wanted to go on the stag do, he could go but he wouldn't have a home to come back to because I wouldn't be with someone who didn't put their family before a piss up with his friends. I had also been asked to go to the bride's hen do, but turned that down straight away. There was no chance we were going on separate holidays abroad, taking extra time off work (both self employed) and our children not getting a holiday.
I also think this culture of going abroad for days at a time for a hen or stag is ridiculous and selfish. Expecting people to spend that kind of money just because they are getting married is very selfish.

NotAnotherUserNumber · 03/06/2020 10:02

I have just seen your reply saying this is a reverse, but I am going to tell you what I was going to write before seeing that as I think it is more useful to you.

I am going to go against the tide here and say that I don’t think it is necessarily unreasonable. It depends on the actual cost of the hen do. For example if it is a couple hundred pounds then this will have an insignificant effect on a house deposit and you might be able to save this up between now and the trip from cutting back on other personal spending.

I would also factor in how close a friend is the bride? How upsetting will it be to have not have been to her hen?

In terms of childcare, could the kids have a trip to their grandparents or similar?

Lastly, could you reduce the cost by not going for the whole 4 days. Depending on the location, just being there for part of it could be very cheap.

Susanna85 · 03/06/2020 10:02

*anyone who can't attend the big hen do but very much wants to raise a glass to celebrate and support her. She said no. Fair enough

Savingshoes · 03/06/2020 10:03

Can you double up?
Maybe there's a family friendly part near the hen location abroad and you and DH can have your first family holiday together and then spend 1 day at the hen do whilst your DH takes DS to something fun without you.

PinkMonkeyBird · 03/06/2020 10:05

OP has confirmed it's a reverse...

Hmm FFS why can't people just be straightforward. I can't understand those who do a reverse.

ramamamadingdong · 03/06/2020 10:05

Another vote for DH, who makes very reasonable points.

TooTiredTodayOk · 03/06/2020 10:08

He is the most selfless person I know and there's no way he would tell his friends that 'his missus won't let me. He knows deep down he can't go, he didn't argue with me. I just feel awful for him

So why the thread then? Confused

If he's so selfless and he knows deep down he can't go, why was it even a conversation in the first place - a conversation which has resulted in you feeling awful?

I'll tell you why - because he put you in the position of bad guy and I'd bet my next mortgage payment that if you said "ok, go on the stag do and we'll make the finances work, we'll do without a holiday and just save longer for the house deposit" he'd be off like a shot, and you know it.

FulfilledRemit · 03/06/2020 10:08

I also think this culture of going abroad for days at a time for a hen or stag is ridiculous and selfish. Expecting people to spend that kind of money just because they are getting married is very selfish

Completely agree. Not to mention the environmental consequences. I wouldn't go on either holiday mentioned here, but that's maybe partly why I have hardly any friends Grin

turnthebiglightoff · 03/06/2020 10:09

@op I totally get why you made this a reverse. I've been in this position myself and we decided my OH would go on the trip, because of it were the other way round he would move heaven and earth for me to go. If you simply don't have the funds though, it does need to be a straight no. Shit position for you both though.

fruitbrewhaha · 03/06/2020 10:10

A four night stag do will likely cost as much as week away for the 3 of you. Unless they are camping? Even Prague is not that cheep now. Flights during school holiday will be hundreds.

GabsAlot · 03/06/2020 10:10

he feels hes missing out shouldnt have got married and had a family then or is that not enough for him

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 03/06/2020 10:11

@ramam DH? What do you mean? It has been clearly by OP and many others that it is a reverse. Do you think he should go then?

ChikiTIKI · 03/06/2020 10:15

Why has it become normal for people to go abroad for a party? It seems so bizarre to me.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 03/06/2020 10:15

I'll tell you why - because he put you in the position of bad guy and I'd bet my next mortgage payment that if you said "ok, go on the stag do and we'll make the finances work, we'll do without a holiday and just save longer for the house deposit" he'd be off like a shot, and you know it

Yup, completely agree. He is making you feel guilty by telling you he feels as though he always misses out. That's pretty manipulative.

Bleepbloopblarp · 03/06/2020 10:15

Agree your dh shouldn’t have “asked” you if he could go. He knows you can’t afford it. He knows you and your ds would be missing out on things if he went on the stag do. So why is he asking you and putting you in that position? Sounds like he wants you to feel sorry for him!

You, as a couple, cannot afford a family holiday - ergo he cannot afford to go on a stag do. End of!