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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... Hen Do Abroad.

169 replies

LunasOrchid · 03/06/2020 08:38

I've NCd and changed a few details as to not out myself. I know COVID-19 might have an impact here but let's imagine for the sake of this that it won't.

I'm married to my DH and we have a 4yo DS together. Last week I was invited to a friend's hen do that will be abroad for 4 nights. I was excited at the prospect and told DH. But DH has raised some points and now I'm doubting that I should go.

So the points he's raised are...

  • I work in education so the hen do would need to be during the school holidays for me to be able to attend.
  • DH works a mixture or night and early shifts so we'd have no childcare, DH would have to use his AL.
  • We are trying to save for a house deposit. We aren't financially well off, have some debt but have been trying hard the past few months. The hen do which is likely to cost hundreds will need to come out of that fund.
  • DH has been wanting to go on holiday for ages now. We haven't been abroad for a few years and he can't wait for us to take DS on his first proper holiday. I'll admit that I have been pretty determined to save for a deposit so have always said no to holidays. Dh has said he doesn't think it's fair that I can spend our money going on a piss up abroad whilst I've been saying no to us going on a family holiday.
  • I am MoH for my best friend and will be going abroad for her do in 2022. DH has said that's 2 holidays for me and zero for the family.
  • When I've said that I'll get a bit of grief from my friend for not going my DH has that our situation is completely different to theirs. All my friends either live at home with their parents or own their own homes already. None of my friends have children so our circumstances are different and we have very little disposable income.

AIBU and selfish to consider going? Just to clarify, this was not an argument. DH wasn't angry, we were jusy having a discussion about it last night.

OP posts:
FulfilledRemit · 03/06/2020 10:16

Why has it become normal for people to go abroad for a party? It seems so bizarre to me

And me. If flying becomes much more expensive and it puts a stop to this that can only be a good thing. It's so environmentally damaging.

PintOfGin · 03/06/2020 10:19

100% agree with your husband!

edwinbear · 03/06/2020 10:22

Given it's not until 2022, can he take on some extra work somehow and earn the money he needs to make the trip viable?

I understand both sides really, of course he's disappointed he can't go and YANBU at the thought of him getting a holiday and not the family, but if he can take on some weekend/bar work/sell some stuff to raise the funds maybe you could make it work?

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 03/06/2020 10:22

@PintOfGin why? dont you think saving or a family holiday is better use of the money? or havent you RTFT that it's a reverse

SVRT19674 · 03/06/2020 10:24

Sorry, with hubby on this one.

Goingalittlecrazy · 03/06/2020 10:25

Dh 110% right

2kool4skool · 03/06/2020 10:25

It was an obvious reverse. No women/mums I know would even entertain a 4 night hols in those circumstances. It wouldn’t have been brought home for discussion. She would just have politely declined and left it there. Rightly or wrongly.

Goingalittlecrazy · 03/06/2020 10:28

just picked up the reverse, lol.

You are 110% right

....and LTB/Selfish man child/is he plotting an affair?! Grin

PintOfGin · 03/06/2020 10:29

Ah sorry my comment was based on the original post- I didn't read that it was a reverse so that should teach me to read the full thread Blush

StoppinBy · 03/06/2020 10:30

The only thing I think he is unreasonable about is not wanting to use AL to provide childcare if you are not available. That's just part and parcel of having a child together.

Everything else I think he is right about sorry.

Moo678 · 03/06/2020 10:31

Agree with your husband. Only point I don't agree on is him using annual leave. I think that could be fine might be nice for him and your child to have some 1:1 time - maybe they could do something nice together too.

On every other point though I agree with him.

Northernsoullover · 03/06/2020 10:32

I'm always the first to side with a mum who needs a break but a family holiday comes first.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 03/06/2020 10:32

Reverses never give unbiased opinions as the person posting always puts their arguments far better than the other side. So you always get the result you want.

Your DH might tell this story rather differently.

I would say, question how much of 'life' are you missing out on right now. Could you reassess the timeframes for saving for a house deposit in relation to having a more fun time with your young DC?

Where is the debt coming from? Why are you saving for a deposit rather than clearing the debt first? Or is the debt one persons?

(Life is short, childhoods are very short, don't keep putting off family holidays until your DS is too old to want to spend time with you!)

Moo678 · 03/06/2020 10:33

Sorry didn't realise it was a reverse. Probably still feel the same way but the post above makes some good points.

pussycatinboots · 03/06/2020 10:34

Just read, guessed the reverse.
OP I'm glad your DH is reasonable enough himself that he knows he can't go.
It's just one of those things where you have to prioritise your family over a single persons life.
Don't feel bad - he's still got one stag to go to 🦌

Aretheystillasleepbob · 03/06/2020 10:35

Have a think about if he came to you and said he wanted to go on a stag in the same situ, what would you tell him. I think both parents should be able to go off now and again on a solo trip, it's good for the other parent and the kids.
I think he is/should be more than capable of looking after his own DC, and your friend would have to plan around your work if she wanted you to come but money wise it sounds like you just cannot afford to go.

On the no family holiday side of things though - you can get some super cheap hols, ever looked at something like Eurocamp where you stay in a chalet/mobile home type thing but in france or Spain with some facilities for kids like a pool and playground? We went for a week and the accommodation cost 350 Euro for a week and it was self catering. We drove/did cheap ferry.

greenlynx · 03/06/2020 10:35

Tbh I don’t the reverse thread as long as OP explained this very fairly quickly which she did.

About stag do. There is no way you could follow lifestyle of those who own their house/live with parents and don’t have DC. And you have debts on top of it.

Aretheystillasleepbob · 03/06/2020 10:38

IS this a reverse then?? Well, opinion is the same either way, you can't afford to go ( whoever you are!) and should look at getting a family holiday in asap.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 03/06/2020 10:40

Hate reverses.Hes being unreasonable but you know that.

Aretheystillasleepbob · 03/06/2020 10:41

I just thought it was a young/immature woman! But it's a bloke so that actually makes more sense... I do think, IMHO, that men find it harder to tell their mates, or have the wider stag grp know, that it's because they can't afford to.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 03/06/2020 10:41

I turned down 2 hen dos when I was saving for my house. It's all well letting loose and having a blow out.

But you have to take care of business first!

Darbs76 · 03/06/2020 10:42

I’ve been on many breaks without my kids. But I absolutely wouldn’t even consider it if I didn’t take my children on holiday too. Just tell your friend you can’t go as you’re saving for a house deposit.

backseatcookers · 03/06/2020 10:43

He is the most selfless person I know and there's no way he would tell his friends that 'his missus won't let me. He knows deep down he can't go, he didn't argue with me. I just feel awful for him

I sort of get why you did a reverse but if the above is true then why did you need a thread about it? You explained your thoughts calmly and kindly, he agrees he shouldn't go, you've not had an argument... whats the AIBU?

ScarletFever · 03/06/2020 10:49

@YetAnotherSpartacus

I figured it was a reverse, but was fascinated because I have seen so many similar threads over the years where the situation has not been a reverse (it'd been the DH going away) and none have had 95% saying he is being unreasonable. In fact, quite a few have berated the OP for not 'letting' him go. There was a similar one just the other day about the OP discovering a list of things her OH wanted to do, including going on solo trips, and a great number seemed to think she was being unreasonable for making it a 'battle' to go even tho finances were tight and she would be left with all the child care.
bollocks - it doesnt matter which side it is, if they are in debt, trying to save for a house deposit, and havent had a family holiday in ages, and the OH/Partner want to spend hundreds on themselves for something that does not benefit the whole family - they are called selfish (not for wanting as thats just human - but for actually considering)
ScarletFever · 03/06/2020 10:50

@LunasOrchid

I apologise again for the reverse. But I didn't want people to jump to selfish man child. When he really isn't.

He is the most selfless person I know and there's no way he would tell his friends that 'his missus won't let me. He knows deep down he can't go, he didn't argue with me. I just feel awful for him.

well its not "the missus wont let him" is it? Its the family cannot afford it
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