AIBU... Hen Do Abroad.

[LunasOrchid]

I've NCd and changed a few details as to not out myself. I know COVID-19 might have an impact here but let's imagine for the sake of this that it won't.

I'm married to my DH and we have a 4yo DS together. Last week I was invited to a friend's hen do that will be abroad for 4 nights. I was excited at the prospect and told DH. But DH has raised some points and now I'm doubting that I should go.

So the points he's raised are...

• I work in education so the hen do would need to be during the school holidays for me to be able to attend.

• DH works a mixture or night and early shifts so we'd have no childcare, DH would have to use his AL.

• We are trying to save for a house deposit. We aren't financially well off, have some debt but have been trying hard the past few months. The hen do which is likely to cost hundreds will need to come out of that fund.

• DH has been wanting to go on holiday for ages now. We haven't been abroad for a few years and he can't wait for us to take DS on his first proper holiday. I'll admit that I have been pretty determined to save for a deposit so have always said no to holidays. Dh has said he doesn't think it's fair that I can spend our money going on a piss up abroad whilst I've been saying no to us going on a family holiday.

• I am MoH for my best friend and will be going abroad for her do in 2022. DH has said that's 2 holidays for me and zero for the family.

• When I've said that I'll get a bit of grief from my friend for not going my DH has that our situation is completely different to theirs. All my friends either live at home with their parents or own their own homes already. None of my friends have children so our circumstances are different and we have very little disposable income.

AIBU and selfish to consider going? Just to clarify, this was not an argument. DH wasn't angry, we were jusy having a discussion about it last night.

For me the sticking point is lack of family holiday & deposit. Everything else is imo doable. So on the 2 points it’s a no from me.

You're right. It is a reverse and I do apologise. Its DH who has been invited on a stag do and I'm the one who has objected.

I just wanted some unbiased opinions because I do feel awful about the whole situation. It's horrible that DH has to miss out but I do think it would be unfair for him to go.

DH understands and isn't angry. He's just disappointed that he's missing out, he feels like he always does. Which I get.

I think it's a bit sad if you really want to go and DP is coming up with lists of reasons why you shouldn't. Wouldn't it be energy better spent to work out how you could? E.g. specific savings you could make to find the money. However if it's peer pressure you are worried about I wouldn't go. The term time thing might be a sticking point anyway and would increase the cost for all.

Family holiday would take priority for me every time.
If people want events abroad they need to understand that some people won’t be able to attend. Personally, I wouldn’t organise any event that required guests to pay.

Personally I think they’ll all end up losing their money anyway. Nobody will be going on holiday until at least next year, possibly even the year after.

All the reasons are fair.

He shouldn't go.

Regardless of whether it's a hen or stag do, the fact that you are trying to save up for a deposit on your first home and have some debts clearly indicates that it's just beyond your budget at the moment. I never understand how people prioritise holidays over housing or other 'essentials', but then I am boringly frugal about such things but paid off my mortgage in my early 40s.

@TeaAndHobnob

Your DH is right. A family holiday should take priority over a hen do.

I agree

When you have children, you have to make sacrifices. Surely your DH realised that before committing to children.

I hate reverse threads.

Why arse about with reverses? Just ask the question, trying to trick posters replying to you is just insulting.

Nobody needs to go abroad for a hen do, let alone 2! A hen do certainly does not have to be 4 days.
What is wrong with a night out in your local town, or, if you must "go away" somewhere, one of the spa hotels that have sprung up all over the UK?
If you are saving for a specific item, you do need to give that priority, followed by something for the family. If you have any surplus after that, by all means splurge - within reason.
Funnily enough I am wondering if this a kind of reverse post, but my response would be the same if it were a stag do ;-)

Yeah I knew it was a reverse

It's a shame you've had to "object" and point out the bleedin obvious, and he hasn't worked it out for himself.

Puts you in the position of the bad guy but shows where his selfish priorities lie.

I would miss this Hen do and just look forward to the MOH one and try and get a family holiday too. I know that isn't what you want to hear but seems the fairest solution.

You miss out on stuff like this when you have children. Many adults don't seem to realise this. Yeah you might be lucky, and have enough money to enjoy holidays with the family AND go on stag dos or hen dos abroad. But many families can barely afford a holiday for the family, let alone one person. One person is not above the rest.

Priority is family when you have children. I wouldn't feel guilty at all, he'd have been called a bloody muppet for even asking if he was my husband, and then asked when did he start shitting gold.

I figured it was a reverse, but was fascinated because I have seen so many similar threads over the years where the situation has not been a reverse (it'd been the DH going away) and none have had 95% saying he is being unreasonable. In fact, quite a few have berated the OP for not 'letting' him go. There was a similar one just the other day about the OP discovering a list of things her OH wanted to do, including going on solo trips, and a great number seemed to think she was being unreasonable for making it a 'battle' to go even tho finances were tight and she would be left with all the child care.

Ah just seen the update/ reverse.

If i was to organise a Stag do or Hen do abroad for multiple days i would expect a good proportion to choose not to come either due to finances/not wanting to use holiday/child commitments or work commitments. It would be unreasonable of the organiser to be upset by people saying they won't be coming.

Your hubby is being totally reasonable it wouldn't be a bit fair for you to go . I'd stay put if I were you !

I hate reverses. So manipulative. YABU for that 😑

I'm sure he is sad he's missing out. But the choice to have children will often mean missing out on things child free friends can do. Whether that's sleep, adult TV or stag holidays. If it was you it wouldn't be fair either.

Yes but if she didn't reverse and then showed this thread to her hubby then he would just say that we are all just backing her up ! You fooled me anyways 😂 but my opinion stands it's not fair for either person to go alone

It's a shame you've had to "object" and point out the bleedin obvious, and he hasn't worked it out for himself

I agree. I don’t even know why this was a conversation. Why does he need you to say he shouldn’t be going in these circumstances. He should just know the answer. It’s so bloody obvious.

Bet he was desperate for you to say “oh ok just go.... I’ll stay here and take annual leave for you to go away and enjoy yourself with money from our house fund...” 🙄

It's not unreasonable for you to go but its also unreasonable for you not to go. A hen do abroad will set you and your partner back a few hundred, especially in the spending money.

Before you made a decision I would suggest you narrow down the dates, if it's in the school term time then it's a no. If it's in the school holidays it will likely be more expensive so your friends wouldn't want to go.

It is sad that the money you are working so hard to save for is being used and it only benefits you. If I was in that situation I would decline the hen do, but offer to throw her a party back home and then I would aim to have a holiday with the DH and DS.

Hope this helps

Oh this asking for permission ie: asking to be told no, like a kid, when it's bloody obvious it's not a viable option is very annoying and very immature.

You have to be the bad guy, OP, so that he can tell his mates (or even just himself) that ''the misses says no''

Grrrrr.