Can we have a 'I'm really pissed off that my h turned into a bastard and I had to divorce him and

[OhioOhioOhio]

Now in a single parent' thread?

It seems so unnecessary that he was so mean about everything and he could have just been kind and we could have been happy. Ffs.

everything @thepeopleversuswork said.

So many truths on this thread, my ex husband was fine until we were married, then the financial abuse started - running up debts. He thought that because we had a religious ceremony I would never leave. When I became pregnant he couldn't cope with not being the most important consideration and the abuse escalated overnight, he hit me once, I told if it happened again we were over - he lasted 2 weeks, before hitting me on the way back from our 7 week scan. I threw him out that day.

I married him because he seemed so kind, and unthreatening

@changedmynameforlockdown

I wish I had done this. But presumably you shared a house (mortgage?) together? How did you get to kick him out and you got to stay?

I tried to tell DH to go and he just refused and told me to go if I wanted apart.

What's really terrifying is how so many men seem to be Jekyll and Hyde characters.

My ex was so sweet to begin with. Quite, a bit geeky on the surface but kind, thoughtful, generous and good in bed...how it all changed!

Mine started out like a white knight and I never saw it coming. I was a long term single mum to 2 DC and actually quite happy with being single. He turned up and swept me away, said all the right things, did all the right things, great with my DC, spoke of us being a family, living in a bigger house and a better area... all of which I lapped up. And he seemed to adore us. He wanted 'the whole package.'

We got a place together, and that's when the abuse started to creep in. Although I didn't log it as abuse at the time, I just thought it was him adjusting to being a step dad and partner. It was his house, his rules - which extended to how I disciplined my DC. He told me I'd been 'soft' and they needed a male figure to look up to. I began to doubt myself as a parent. Then I fell pregnant. He veered between livid and overjoyed, and then the cheating started. Staying away for days at a time, switching off his phone so I couldn't get in touch, stopping me from accessing joint finances. By this point I didn't have a penny to my name and didn't know how to get out of the situation I'd put us in. Everything was always my fault. If he was angry, it was my fault. If he cheated, it was my fault. I felt like an idiot. I'm a smart woman, how had I fallen for this? Worse, how had I let this man into my DCs life?

Our DD was born and things calmed down for a bit. He wanted us to be a family, things would change, he could see he was damaging us all..but he really couldn't seem to keep momentum of being a good guy. He smashed stuff up, threatened me, threatened my DC, spent every penny we had leaving me juggling bills and rent and DC while he went on coke fuelled benders with his work mates.

I was so down trodden. He thoroughly did a number on my confidence, self esteem, the whole lot. My achievements were constantly belittled, my looks, my character, my parenting. And he used to say no one would want me after he'd 'finished with me', so there was no point leaving as I'd just be alone forever.

The breaking point was when he laid hands on my teenage DS. That was it. Done. Over. No more making allowances for his shitty behaviour. No more believing he could change. I spoke to my mum, she found us a little house with a landlord friend of hers who was willing to let me and my DC move in immediately without a deposit or bond. Within the week we were moved in with the help of the landlord's brother and nephew.

That was almost 7 years ago. It took a long time to recover, for all of us. My 2 eldest DC have since moved in with their partners and I'm a single mum to my 9yo DD2.
Exh is still an abusive, narcissistic, sociopathic, lying, toe rag of a man. He has a flimsy relationship with our daughter, visitation is on his terms and he doesn't pay a penny in support. His priorities are still skewed. As are his version of events, which paint him in the light of a poor guy who did his best for a single mum but she left him and took his child with her.

Oh. If they only knew the man he really is.

@Euclid How about you stop taking your loss out on everyone else?

It's ok @AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff it was probably badly worded as I was also helping my son with his spelling

Cheers audacity

I’m knackered and grumpy. I can be a nippy sweetie when I’m like that and you didn’t deserve it.

Sorry. Mean it x

I think some women put others down re: relationship choices because they can never fathom it happening to them.

However the grim reality is that if someone wants to present a facade of charm to the world they are more than capable of doing it.

Just read news reports of men who've been arrested for the murder of their partners or severe abuse and see how many times people outside the relationship thought they were wonderful and couldn't comprehend that they would ever behave this way.

If it were blatantly obvious that someone was an obnoxious prick then they'd never be in a relationship - so there's a huge benefit to them in being "nice" until they feel they've got to a point that their partner is so invested in the relationship that they become reluctant or feel unable to leave.

Also people do change - all of us do over time but it doesn't mean in all cases that its for the better.

My ex-DP was perfectly lovely for the first 5 years of our 8 year relationship.

Then we bought a home together and that coincided with him getting a huge promotion and very senior "C" level job.

Within 6 months he'd changed completely, expecting the deference (though he called it respect ) he was shown (aka toadyism) to be continued in the home.

Rather than things being discussed and mutually agreed he was acting the the CEO of both our lives with every decision having to be rubber stamped or vetoed by him.

Where we (or rather I) shopped, were we went out, who we socialised with, what brands of clothing I wore, what we ate etc.

It took me 18 months to get over the shock of what he'd become and leave him - that made him furious because despite his arrogance he found he couldn't actually control me but the catalyst was he'd decided he wanted to get married and have children (I had no say in this) and I realised I had to get out there and then.

I was lucky because if he'd kept up his act long enough to get married and have kids it would have been much harder to leave.

As it was he underestimated how less materialistic I was than him and wasn't prepared to stay with him just because he earned £££ and we had a beautiful home.

Sorry to hear it.

And agree with other posters, none of us have a crystal ball. Some men you meet are not the same men 5, 10, 15 years on. Sometimes circumstances are beyond your control and unforeseeable. Sometimes people change. And some people know they’ve done wrong but can’t handle the guilt or communicate with their partner well enough to make amends and learn, so the relationship collapses.

You can know someone intimately and still not fully comprehend what they are capable of (sometimes even they don’t know until it happens). Nobody wants to be treated badly, nobody actively seeks out heartbreak and pain. Women don’t get married or have babies with men just for a laugh. Sometimes we make mistakes, we all do. But that doesn’t mean you are no longer deserving of compassion or humanity.

I married ‘Martin from accounts.’ I’d seen my sister marry a controlling and abusive monster and wasn’t going to make that mistake. No, I made my own, different mistake instead.

He started off being all ‘new man,’ great husband and involved father. Until the going got rough and DS2’s special needs began impacting on his future plans and he got a massive case of the mid-life crisis.

Other woman that I found out about so he left and married her. Youngest child just coming up to 18 and he’s just about to get free of maintenance and ‘having to’ see them EOW. My DS2 with SN gets nothing from him since he left college, even though he hasn’t managed to get a job. And he’s stopping maintenance on DS3’s 18th birthday, 2 months before the end of August. Great present for him! Wanker.

On the other hand, I’ll be rid of him at last!

@HungerGamesSummer

The problem is that even Martin from accounts can be a fucking arsehole a long way down the road. You never really know someone, all you see is what they want you to see. 17 years and 2 kids before he felt that I was trapped so perfectly that he could display his true arsehole tendencies.

Yet if he died 15 years in, I would have thought he was a great and devoted husband and been devastated. Unfortunately I was not that fucking lucky

@HungerGamesSummer
😂

Plus they are not like that all the time.They can be lovely for months at a time,then they switch.

Loads of things keep you in a shite relationship.Its not always clear cut.

Meh
After 20 years of abuse , single parent is the dream
And I have have two kids to keep me going

@wholelottahistory - I had a pretty successful career pre-marriage and owned the marital home - it was in my name, it had been a short marriage and he had suggested on a pre nup (!), which we did before marriage - kind of proof how much someone can change so quickly!

Where do you all find these deadbeats?

@MadameMarie

That's the wrong sort of question the question should be why is it ok for them to act like that

Thisisworsethananticipated

This.

The big secret that emerges out of this for me is how bloody brilliant it is to be a single mum compared to one in a bad marriage.

It's dawned on me that part of the reason why there's been so much anti single mother propaganda for so long is because, aside from the financial burden and the hard, its actually usually a better option than being married or cohabiting

• feeling safe
• not being pushed around
• not having to compromise/indulge someone else's bullshit

I remember reading an article by possibly, Toby Jones?, where he reminisced about the start of his relationship with his wife and said "when I was trying to get her to love me."

I don't think he meant anything sinister but it stayed with me because whilst I think some people want to love someone (and yes, be loved too) and have a real relationship, others see it as "I want this person. If I can get him or her to love me they will be mine and then I can do anything I like."

The trouble is it's difficult to tell the difference when you are in a new relationship.

I think I can take some of the blame for my crappy first husband as it was obvious looking back he was always going to be a player and he had a temper - but he was handsome and charming and popular and I fell for it all.

So, second husband I consciously chose a ‘Martin from accounts’ good guy. Everyone said how good he was, slightly dull, only had a few serious relationships, homebody - perfect.... Until we had a baby and he decided it was all a bit hard and a bit of a responsibility and he felt out of his depth and had a cliche affair with some office girl 15 years his junior.

We’re still together, just, but everyone (especially me) was shocked - you can’t always tell who the arseholes are.

I’ll never fully trust a man again

BalloonSlayer this is a really good point....

Also I think the advice for women on this is confusing and unintentionally quite unhelpful. On the one hand you are trained reasonably enough to have a very high bar in terms of demanding a man "woos" you properly with a proper signal of commitment (which goes hand in hand with lots of romantic gestures).

Read anything like "The Rules" or even the more progressive websites (such as Baggage Reclaim) on this and basically the advice is "if he's not really bending over backwards, he's not that into you". There are nuances to this of course and Baggage Reclaim has some good advice. But in terms of the early stages of a relationship, the behaviours men are expected to display don't distinguish between a good guy and a player on his best behaviour.

The problem with this approach is that men are onto it and know which boxes to tick when they are trying to win you over.

It's therefore really quite hard in the initial stages of a relationship to tell the difference between a genuinely romantic guy who has decent values and really wants a committed relationship with you from one who just knows which buttons to press.

Martin from accounts took paternity leave and changed nappies. He really loves his wife, we know because he said so when they got together. 😍 Lucky lady! Following the birth of 2 kids, Martin's wife no longer has a job. Martin pays gives her a fixed sum for the bills and keeps the rest for his "savings". His wife often runs short of money and has to ask for extra. Why can't she manage better? Silly woman. But he loves her anyway. 😍

On any given weekend, Martin can be found 5 miles from home in any direction on his £2k road bike. He enjoys a good eastern Europe weekend with the boys. He has a very important job which keeps him at work until the kids are in bed and often away on work trips. He tells the wife they will travel together when he has more time, when he retires.

At the office, Martin talks a lot about his family. He sometimes sends photos of the wife and family in group emails and whats apps. He is lonely though. His wife doesn't understand him. He confides this in pretty younger colleagues, especially single or divorced women in the office. He often disappears from work parties at the same time as some of these targets.

Often on Friday evening they have an argument that seems to come from nowhere and he storms out to cool off, returning at 5am smelling of drink. Martin tells his wife she winds him up and she feels like she is going insane. Martin is so calm when they argue. She end up sobbing. She decided she is the problem. She talks to the GP who just pops her on some antidepressants. She is now officially "crazy".

When she eventually says she wants to leave, Martin reminds her that she is officially "crazy" now and tells her he will protect the children from her by keeping them from her if she leaves. She stays.

When the youngest leaves school, Martin moves in with one of his damaged affair partners and has the family home ordered sold, leaving his loyal and devoted wife in reduced circumstances alone, shocked and heartbroken when she is too old to financially recover.

Martin is so lovely. He really loves his wife and kids. 😍

GinDaddyRedux

Love your Martin analogy. Very true. The "safe", "kind and loving" choice so often turns out to be the clever mask of an abuser.

picsinred

I have seen the scenario you described repeatedly.

picsinred